13. Found

Chapter Soundtrack: "Yam Yam" — No Vacation

I've decided that I have to face Aela now rather than later. If I'm going to start this new life that's really mine, I need to take care of any loose ends. It's on my way to the Throat of the World anyway.

Night has fallen on Jorrvaskr by the time I've arrived. I managed to change clothes with a passing dignitary on the way so I no longer smell like blood, but I can feel the life essence of each victim thrumming in my chest against my dragon blood. Seven contracts for my daggers to sink their teeth into. I feel alive. I feel in control. I wear the clothes of a noble but my soul is twisted and gnarled with the lives I've taken.

I am an impurity.

I am the fangs of Oblivion.

I am the snake in the grass.

I find Jorrvaskr mostly empty. I cling to the shadows, knowing that if Aela isn't here I'll have to try her usual hunting grounds. Perhaps she'll be easier to kill if she's wearing the face of a wolf.

Surprisingly, I find her door ajar and the room occupied. She's leaning over a table, back to the doorway, examining something. Her armour always did leave her back vulnerable. At least there will be no leather to cleave through. I grip my daggers tightly. Bury one between her shoulders, then the other in her throat. The Huntress becomes the hunted.

Mine. My life.

I tense to lunge, but my body won't follow through.

No, I need to do this, now!

I finally push off my heels, but I've waited too long. Aela whirls around and is on me in a matter of seconds, slamming me onto my back on the table. She pins my wrists, but I thrash against her. She's seen me, too late to back out now. I stab wildly at her with my daggers, but she just slides my wrists farther above my head.

"Alright, what in the name of Hircine do you think you're doing?" Aela growls. I glare at her and aim a kick at her stomach. She grunts but keeps her hold on me, pressing her body down on top of mine to pin my legs as well. "Do that again, I dare you. Lose the knives."

The scar underneath her eye is only a reminder of our last encounter together, when she'd fought my wife. My heart is pounding in my throat. It has to be the threat that she can change into her beast form at any moment and tear me apart. Still, I can't do anything like this. My jaw remains hardset, but I drop my daggers anyway. How did I screw this up so badly? I've faced much tougher contracts!

Aela pulls me to my feet, still keeping a firm grip on my wrists. "I should kill you for that little stunt." she snarls. "But what I want to know is why."

I don't miss the slight tremble in her voice on the last word, though her eyes are stone. "You don't need to know." I say.

Aela grabs both my wrists with one hand and grabs something with the other. It's only when I feel fabric biting into my skin that I realise she's tied my wrists together. She pushes me forcefully to sit on a chair and starts tying my legs to it. "I could hand you over to the Jarl in seconds, so start talking."

I roll my eyes. "Is this — unh!" Aela tightens her knots on my legs. "Really necessary?"

"You just tried to kill me, Bosmer."

Okay, that actually hurts. Not much, but it does. "Is that what it is now, Huntress?" I shoot back.

Aela slams her door shut and folds her arms. "Start talking. Now."

I stare up at her in defiance. "Or what? You'll hand me over to the Jarl? I'm the Dragonborn. Who's he gonna believe? You're no one compared to me."

Aela retrieves one of my daggers. "You're right." she says. "You do hold more power, in that sense." She slices her palm open without flinching. Blood begins to well up from the wound. "But I'm not the one tied to a chair."

I scoff. "Gonna get my clothes dirty?"

She brings her palm up close to my face. I can smell the blood, metallic and putrid. "Give me what I want, or I force you to drink. You'll become like me. A monster, right?"

My eyes widen. She wouldn't dare.

Aela snorts at my silence and presses her palm hard against my lips. I gag but force myself to keep my mouth shut, even as I feel her blood running down my chin. She pinches my nose tight. I try to focus enough energy to tap into what little magic I know, but I'm losing air. No, no, I can't give in, I can't become like her, I can't lose control like that, I won't — I can't — no! I can't become like that, I won't eat people, if I turn I won't be able to control the beast. Not like her, no my life would be truly over. She wouldn't help me control it, she'd just let me decimate a whole city, leave me powerless to the monster she'd unleash within me. My breath is pushing uselessly against Aela's fingers, and just when I think I'm going to die or pass out —

She lets go.

She pulls away from me, shaking. She carefully wraps her hand, then wipes her blood from my face with what smells like mead. I gasp, inhaling sharply as soon as it feels safe. I feel dizzy, but I'm not dead. Aela sinks to her knees, and I'm reminded of the last time I'd seen her that way. I'm the one that's tied up, but she looks so utterly helpless.

Oh, Divines.

Oh Divines, why didn't she just kill me?

Aela looks up at me, and I see the beginnings of tears forming in her eyes. "Ithriel, why?" she whispers.

My heart cracks, then shatters completely. It's my name. My name through her lips that does it, spoken so softly and so broken, that does it. My own floodgates break and tears burn their paths down my cheeks. I'm feeling everything at once now and it just hurts. "I don't know!" I sob. "I'm supposed to kill you, that's supposed to be the way out," Words are just pouring from me at this point with little to no control. "But there isn't a way out! I have to do this. I thought if I did it now, I could move on. But I couldn't make myself. I couldn't make myself, because I still care! I still care about you and your stupid face and your stupid smile and everything that you are. But I'm trapped. I'm trapped with nowhere to go. There's so much blood on my hands, I'm drowning in it. Letting it consume me never lasts, because afterwards I'm just left with me, and I can't just go because I have a Family to look after. That's the only life they know, I can't just leave! I'm the head! I'm the one they look to, and if I can't kill you I've failed them. There's no way out. I'm the Listener. I'm the Listener of the Dark Brotherhood, and that means that not a single minute of my life will ever be mine."

And there it is. I let my head drop to my chest.

"Kill me. Please. Just do it. Send me to Oblivion where I belong."

I know I am a coward, wanting to run away, but I can't even do what I have to do. I am waiting for the bite. Or the arrow. Or even a bashing with her shield. Something, anything that says this is over.

Instead, warm arms envelope me.

Apples and sandalwood.

Home.

Aela's embrace only makes me cry harder, and I try to shuffle away even though I'm bound, but she only holds me tighter.

"Oh, lovely." she murmurs.

Lovely. The last time Aela called me lovely was when we were still… us. It seemed uncharacteristic at the time, too proper for how rough she is, but she noticed how much I liked it and kept using it. And it feels as right as it did then now, maybe even more so.

There's so much wrong with me.

"Why am I still alive?" I ask.

I don't know who I'm asking anymore.

Aela pulls back but still keeps a loose hold on me. "Talk to me. Le do thoil."

How can I say no to her, after everything?

So I tell her. I tell her what happened after I left her, how I joined the Brotherhood. How I'd been chosen as the Listener, which had seemed like an honour at the time. How I felt empty after the Brotherhood was destroyed and I didn't want to be a part of the rebuilding, but I'd been dragged back with the promise of Astrid. The entire process of resurrecting Astrid back from the dead. Married life with her and the way she treated me. Saying it all out loud only made me realise how fucked up it all was — the Brotherhood, my role within the Family, my relationship with Astrid, all of it. And the underlying feeling of selfishness that I can't be happy now that I have everything I could've wanted, because it all feels so wrong. Aela listens patiently, hanging on to every word. I even tell her what the return of the dragons really means, and how I have to stop the end of the world.

When I finally finish, she sighs. "All of that happened because you were running away from me?"

I laugh. "Oh, don't blame yourself. I could've taken up a hobby." I exhale sharply. "But now you know why I need to die."

Aela shakes her head. "No. I don't agree with your methods, but you were running, and that was from me, at first anyway."

"Aela, I've killed so many people. Haven't you noticed how small Whiterun's gotten?"

"I don't want to know." she says, exasperated. "I don't need to know. But you can still find a way out of this."

I grimace. "I don't think you know what it means to be the Listener. The only way out is death, and even then I think I'd be sent straight to Oblivion."

"Absolutely not." Aela says firmly.

"Why are you letting me live?" I ask. "You know what I've done."

Aela reaches behind me and starts undoing her knots. "Because, Ithriel, as crazy as it is, I still…" She swallows hard. "I still love you."

I search her face for a lie, but those pearl grey eyes shine with the truth.

After all this time, she still loves me.

And I think I might feel the same.

She lets the binds fall and I rub at my wrists, trying to get the feeling back into them. "Besides," she says. "You must be the Dragonborn for a reason, right? Maybe you can still do some good."

I gaze at her. There's that longing again, that dull ache of a feeling. I need to know what this really is.

"Kiss me." I plead.

Aela's brow furrows. "You're married."

"I know, I just —" I fight to find the right words. "I'm not sure of anything right now, and I don't even know if that's really love anymore, and I just want to be sure of something, you know what, forget I even —"

Aela kisses me deeply, drawing me into her arms. I tug her down to sit on my lap, my hands running lightly up and down her back. Her lips caress mine and she tastes slightly of honey. She starts to pull back but I lean up and kiss her again, pressing my body as close to hers as I can. She's warm and sweet and everything I've been dreaming of. My lips brush against the corner of her mouth and I tilt my head ever so slightly to kiss her cheek. I nuzzle her neck without much thought and lay my head against her chest, pressing a light kiss to her collarbone.

Nothing can compare to how wonderful I feel right now.

This is what love is supposed to be.

I can find a way out. Even if this falls apart, it doesn't have to be the end. I see that now. Why did it take me so long to see that?

"Lovely," I peer up at Aela through my lashes. Her face is flushed, and I can feel her chest subtly heaving against my cheek. "Tell me this is real."

I smile, and I feel it all the way down to my heart. "A mhuirnín," I say. "This is the only thing that feels real to me. It's always been you."

Aela kisses the top of my head and my heart flutters. Yes, I'd never stopped loving her. That much is apparent. She starts carefully undoing the tangles in my hair. "What now?" she asks.

An ear splitting scream pierces my ears and burrows deep into my skull. I yelp and clutch at my head, but it's no use. It's coming from within. Aela gets off of me and watches me, wary.

"Ithriel?"

Kill her now! The Night Mother screams.

I leap up, wincing at the sharpness of her voice. "We're not exactly alone." I manage to tell Aela.

I will not! I shout back.

Aela looks around, unsure. "Is it —"

"She's speaking to me now — agh!"

You would defy your Mother?

"What do I do?" Aela asks.

I grit my teeth, trying to drown out the Night Mother's shouting. "You can't do anything. She's mine to deal with."

I fight above the noise in my head to be heard, though all I want to do is bash my head into the floor. I defy all of it! I scream above the din what I've always known to be true. You don't own me! You are a corpse in a coffin! You are nothing!

For a moment, the Night Mother is blissfully silent. Then —

Astrid's days are numbered. You would take away her second chance at life?

A while ago, that might have made me reconsider. Yet, as much as it pains me, I know the truth of it. For Astrid, this time it would mean peace.

The dead should stay dead.

The Night Mother sighs, as if disappointed in a child. You have made the wrong choice. You are now an enemy to the Family, to Sithis, and to me. You are no child of mine, and Listener no more.

Her voice fades from my mind. I straighten up. Aela is still watching me. I wait for something to happen.

Silence.

Divines, she's really gone.

She's gone!

I don't care if it feels too easy. I don't care if something's probably coming later. It's just my thoughts in my head for once, and no one else's.

Overcome, I leap into Aela's arms, nearly knocking her over, absolutely giddy. "She's gone." I kiss her cheek. "Aela, it's finally quiet!" I peck her lips, giggling. "I mean, I'll probably have Oblivion to pay later, but she's gone!" Aela laughs."Wait, why are you laughing?"

Aela grins. "You're adorable." She brushes some hair away from my face. "But I have a feeling this isn't over. You said that leaving isn't easy."

I groan. "I know, but way to kill the mood."

Aela takes my left hand in hers and toys with my wedding band. "And what about this?"

The black stone glints in the candlelight of the room. Astrid. The woman I thought I'd loved, who I'd let obsession intertwine me with. I can't go back to that life, and I can't stay with her. Not anymore. "I can't return to the Brotherhood. But I know she'll come for me, and when she does, I'll give this back to her. I'm through living a lie. She'll still take care of them, even without me." Though for how long she'll be around to do that, I don't know. I slip the ring off and pocket it. "Um, while we're asking questions," Aela looks at me. "You know this doesn't change anything? About me being a wolf."

Aela intertwines our fingers together. "I know. But as long as we're together, it doesn't matter. I shouldn't have tried to force you."

I give her hand a squeeze. "I shouldn't have tried to run away." I glance over at my bag, knowing that the Elder Scroll is within. "The end of the world is still a thing that's happening." I say, half-joking. "I don't think I'm close to stopping Alduin just yet."

"Do you still want to go alone?" Aela asks.

I nod. "For a little while longer, at least. I'm grateful for the space to think. I still may see you in passing. Will you wait for me?"

Aela kisses me fiercely. "I waited this long, didn't I?"

I know this peace won't last. Even without the threat of dragons, I know the Brotherhood will be after me in some way. I know Astrid will definitely be after me once she finds out the truth. I wonder if there's a way I can keep them both safe, at least from each other.

But for now, I've finally come home.

Paarthurnax senses the Elder Scroll's presence immediately.

"You have it. The Kel — the Elder Scroll." He lands behind me, pushes at it with his nose. "Tiid kreh… qalos. Time shudders at its touch." Though technically we're on friendly terms, I still don't like his jaws that close to me. I step forward, his rumbling voice at my back. "There is no question. You are doom-driven. Kogaan Akatosh." He leaps in front of me suddenly, then gestures with a claw for me to come close. "The very bones of the earth are at your disposal. Take the Scroll to the Time-Wound. Do not delay. Alduin will be coming. He cannot miss the signs."

As I come closer to where Paarthurnax is standing, I can feel the energy, but not beneath the snow. It hums in the air, tearing, and indeed, shuddering. I pull the Elder Scroll from my bag and the air in the spot tenses further. I unfurl it.

Until this moment, I haven't even tried to open it. I've heard stories about Moth Priests who have blinded themselves because they didn't prepare properly.

Apparently the Dragonborn gets to ignore all of that.

Ancient glyphs flash bright green, then white, as if they are branding themselves into my eyes. It isn't a painful sensation, but a cold one, like opening your eyes underneath clear water. Then, my vision goes completely white for a moment. When it clears again, it is only somewhat. An impression of the glyphs remains before me, but the sky has turned red and the air is warm and heavy. I can't move from where I stand beyond looking around. There are warriors around me, three, I think, though impossible to distinguish through the blur of the Time-Wound.

"Gormlaith!" shouts one. "We're running out of time! The battle —"

But his cry is cut short by a dragon's snarling voice. "Daar sul thur se Alduin vakrii. Krif voth ahkrin."

He's too small to be Alduin. One of his followers, then. I see the warrior that spoke charge forward with another, Gormalith, I assume, screaming their battle cries. They easily overpower him and Gormlaith leaps on top of his neck, burying her sword in his skull. She slips down towards the snow as the dragon crumples into a heap.

"Hakon! A glorious day, is it not?" she says.

The third warrior, Hakon, doesn't look impressed. "Have you no thought beyond the blooding of your blade?"

The three of them bicker among themselves. They sound like Nords, from their dialects, but really they're just another arguing bunch of warriors. Very helpful. I'm aware that I'm witnessing history, but one: as a Bosmer, it isn't mine, and two: none of it has anything to do with the Shout I need.

I'm caught off guard by the beating of heavy, scaly wings and turn to find Alduin perched on the same wall I'd taken yol from. Fire. My body tenses reflexively at the sight of him. It knows him, even in the past, though I know he can't hurt me here.

"Meyye! Tahrodiis aanne! Him hinde pah liiv! Zu'u hin daan!" he snaps.

The three of them surround the wall, and Gormlaith bellows, "Let those that watch from Sovngarde envy us this day!"

Then, together, the three of them shout, "JOOR ZAH FRUL!"

Mortal, finite, temporary!

Even as Alduin takes to the sky, blasts of blue energy in triplicate burst from the lips of the warriors. They wrap around Alduin's body and spread like icy veins through his wings and he spirals downwards, crashing sideways into the snow. It kicks up a flurry and for a moment I can't see the action, but I can hear his screams of rage.

"Nivahriin joorre! Tahrodiis Paarthurnax!" His voice grates against my ears, then suddenly drops to a low growl. "Dir ko maar."

Die in terror. But the Nords look anything but afraid. They attack Alduin, until Gormlaith swings too wildly and Alduin grabs her within his jaws and throws her off the side of the mountain. The two remaining shout for their fallen companion, but they have no time to grieve as Alduin blasts them with a jet of flame. One warrior urges the other to use the Elder Scroll, calling him Felldir. Felldir does so and begins chanting some sort of prayer while the one I assume is Hakon tries to keep Alduin back. Green light emanates from the ground and encircles Alduin, closing in on him. Alduin's head jerks around, and for the first time, I see fear in his eyes.

"Faal Kel? Nikriinne —"

The light snares Alduin before he can finish and he vanishes from the realm. He'd called them cowards, but this was how they'd banished him from their time. I hear Felldir and Hakon celebrate for the briefest moment, but suddenly my vision blurs again and there's another flash of light.

As it fades before my eyes I pitch forward, falling onto my hands into the snow. The chill envelops my hands. I'm back. But I can still hear the roar of a dragon.

I look up and find Alduin floating before me, keeping himself aloft with the beating of his wings. His dark features appear twisted into a malicious grin as his eyes gleam red. "Bahloki nahkip sillesejoor." he says with a sneer. "Dir ko maar!"

In essence, I've devoured many souls, and now you're going to die. Great.

I feel the ground beneath me shake as Paarthurnax moves in front of me. "Lost funt, Alduin!"

Alduin laughs, a deep, crackling sound. "Suleyki mulaag, Paarthurnax. You are weak."

"Dovahkiin!" Paarthurnax urges. "Use Dragonrend, if you know it!"

What, he's too weak to help me fight Alduin? Or he won't?

Whatever. This dragon has ruined my life long enough. I feel the power thrumming in my throat and I Shout, "JOOR ZAH FRUL!"

The blue energy bursts from my throat as tendrils that snare Alduin. His face contorts with recognition as the force of my Thu'um brings him down. Snow rains down as his body kicks it up. I can hardly see him in the flurry, just as before.

"You may have picked up the weapons of my ancient foe, but you are not their equal!" he bellows back.

"Dovahkiin, vosaraan!" Paarthurnax yells.

I wasn't planning on waiting. I run forward towards the black scaled heap that is Alduin, dodging a snaring bite from him. I draw a dagger with one hand and gather energy in the other. Lightning crackles in my hand. Pierce his skull, fry his brain. Steel viper, purple viper. I run up and leap on top of his head the way Gormlaith did before. A dangerous place, but if he takes to the skies again I'll have a grip on him at least to follow him there. I plunge the dagger into his eye even as he thrashes about and let the lightning sink its teeth into the other. I focus the energy even as I twist the knife deeper. My face burns and my hands chafe as I clutch his rough scales. I can feel his life slipping away, like the lives of so many others I've taken before. He is struggling to keep it, which only spurs me to send my vipers deeper still.

Then, he jerks his head suddenly in a brief flash of strength and sends me flying into the snow.

No! I will finish this, I —

BANG! BANG! BANG!

I frantically roll in random directions as suddenly flaming rocks begin to rain from the sky. One comes so close to my face that I can still feel the breath of its flame even moments afterwards.

What is this?

Above the noise, Alduin's voice is a murmur, but it reaches me all the same. "Meyz mul, Dovahkiin." He thinks I am strong. There's some admiration there, oddly enough. I roll out of the way of another rock. "But I am Al-du-in, firstborn of Akatosh. Mulaagi zok lot." Then, it's as if his voice is right in my ear. "I will outlast you… mortal."

I hear his claws dig into the snow, then push off as he takes off into the sky once more. The falling flaming rocks slowly subside, and I lie there for a while, on my back in the snow to catch my breath.

Dragonrend failed.

Paarthurnax leans over me. He seems to be smiling, which only serves to further infuriate me. "Lot krongrah. You truly have the Voice of a dovah."

I groan. "We didn't win." He can swallow me now for all I care. I push weakly at one of the horns jutting out from his chin. "Why didn't you help me?"

"Krosis," he says. "I am not as I once was. I am not a match for Alduin."

I push myself up onto the palms of my hands. "And I am? You saw how he flung me off. Like I was nothing. This wasn't a victory. I need to find out where he went."

"It is a victory." Paarthurnax insists. "It will shake the loyalty of the dov who serve him. Now, to find him… one of his allies could tell us. But it will not be easy to convince one of them to betray him. Hmm, perhaps the hofkahsejun, in Whiterun…" he muses.

Palace? Whiterun? "Do you mean Dragonsreach?" I ask.

"Yes, Dovahkiin. It was originally built to house a captive dovah. A fine place to trap one of Alduin's allies, hmm?"

I laugh. No sane person would agree to this. "The Jarl might not think so." I point out.

"Your su'um is strong." he insists. "I do not doubt that you can convince him of the need."

I don't relish in this new idea, but as usual, I'm not left with much of a choice.

Time to Shout my way down a mountain again.

Le do thoil = Please

A mhuirnín = Beloved