Launching Ships, Chapter 11
"Severus Snape," Voldemort hissed to the second-to-last Death Eater. "Come forward."
Snape hesitated. That, in itself, should have been cause for worry, but unfortunately Voldemort was too busy contemplating the punishment he would give the traitor when he had found him to notice the Potion Master's little tell. And then-
"Chaos."
Voldemort looked up in startlement at the seemingly random word; had Snape gone mad too?
He had not, as it seemed, for at that moment Voldemort felt the anti-portkey wards (rather more fragile than they should have been, as it turned out) tear, and then Snape disappeared, and Voldemort had approximately half a second to think 'damn the traitor' before all hell broke loose.
Three identical wizards(?) popped in, faces concealed by identical hot pink and lime green masks, and within half a minute the remaining six Death Eaters were flat on their backs, hogtied with magical ropes despite his lightening-fast curses and their own stuttering attempts at self defence- it seemed that perhaps dosing his last competent Death Eaters with veritaserum and mind-raping them might have been a bad idea, as only Pettigrew was currently able to function, and the snivelling rat seemed to have frozen in shock. Then two of them turned their masked faces towards him, while the other stayed back to guard the prisoners.
"Oi, Voldie!" yelled one, as Voldemort tried to hex them, apoplectic with fury. "How does it feel being the outnumbered one, for once?"
Voldemort shot off two bone-breakers, a cruciatus, and an entrails-expelling curse, but the twin terrors dived to each side, and none of the curses landed. An array of polychromatic hexes- nonlethal but inventive- peppered the air around him as he took a deep breath to cast again.
"That was rude," a (definitely male) voice said from behind one of the masks.
"What do you think, Forge, ought we to teach him a lesson?"
Three more incredibly dark curses exploded from Voldemort's wand, but they didn't make contact, and the two responded with their own volley, which, in short order, left Voldemort soaking wet, itching in inappropriate places, and in what seemed to be some sort of outlandish muggle dancing outfit.
"Reinforcements-"
"Reducto!"
"Are coming-"
"Incarcerous!"
"And even if they weren't"
"Sectumsempra!"
"You're still-"
"Jugulum auratus!"
"Going down."
The two continued to distract him, and that, in the end, proved to be his undoing, as, absorbed with the masked terrors, he did not notice his other opponent drawing what looked to be a muggle water gun out of an artificially extended pocket until-
"Go for it, Lee!" Shouted the wizard called "Forge". A jet of something that seemed, at first, like water drenched Voldemort. He ignored it, at least at first, in favor of trying to obliterate the insolent little imps who had caught him by surprise. Then his face and chest exploded in agony where the potion had touched him. A whimper of pain escaped him, and his wand slipped from nerveless fingers as he fell. And then he knew nothing more.
"Huh." George lowered his wand, turning around to stare at a stunned Lee Jordan. "That was love potion, wasn't it?"
"Yeah," Lee replied, equally puzzled, blinking at the super-soaker filled with love potion that he had in his hands. "I have no idea why that did that; I was just trying to get some in his mouth. Was it because most of it was on his skin? Or was he allergic or something?"
Fred poked the glittery slime which had been the most dangerous Dark Lord in British history with his boot. "I don't think it's a contact poison; I got my hand covered with it when I was brewing it, so I would be dead right now if that was what it was. Maybe it was some sort of side-effect of putting the potion in a plastic container?"
"We should just save some of this in a jar and ask Professor Snape about it later. We still have the rest of the Death Munchers to deal with, don't we?"
"Yeah." Fred removed his mask and went over to where the slowly-recovering Death Eaters were lying, amid the carnage that had resulted from their battle with Voldemort- rotten tomatoes, pink feathers and rhinestones, dungbombs, and a bag of Limitless Lemondrops that had somehow gotten mixed up with the ammo. "Speaking of Snape, where did you send him?"
"The Burrow. First friendly destination I could think of that didn't have anti-portkey wards."
"He's not going to be happy about that." George tried and failed to stifle a giggle. "We'll have detention for weeks."
"He's not dead though, and you can just bribe him with a basilisk eyeball or a kitsune toe or whatever you have hidden away," Lee pointed out. "Ready for plan Beta?"
George drew a handful of tacky aluminum badges out of his pocket (they'd been leftover from the Triwizard Tournament, but the twins had tracked down the Ravenclaw Draco had paid to make them and gotten her to change them to say "Courtesy of WWW" flashing block letters). He handed half to Fred and then set about attaching the remainder to each tied-up Death Eater in turn, (along with pink bows, in a moment of whimsy). Once the Death Eaters had badges stuck to them, Fred brought in Nagini (deader than a doornail, her yellow eyes slitted and dull) and stuck one to her too, along with the obligatory pink bow.
"I don't think Voldy is going to be able to be port-keyed," Lee broke in, still looking at the mixture of glittery goo oozing out of the dancing girl costume which they had magicked on the Dark Lord before his death. "He'll just break apart in transit."
The others gulped.
"Right. Let's just leave him for the aurors to deal with and get out of here before they send out a search party. You know Snape's gonna send in the legion as soon as Mum lets him go..."
"'Kay. 'Victory'!"
A series of asynchronous pops sounded as the remaining Death Eaters (and Nagini) were ported away into the Ministry Atrium. The three boys looked at each other, then attempted a three-way high-five.
"You got the fireworks?"
Lee Jordan hefted a large bag.
"Right, set them off and let's get outta here."
"Wait, weren't we going to collect some of the...uh..."
"Dark Slime? Do you want to touch that?"
George shook his head hastily. "You know, let's let the aurors take care of that, you know? We can have Snape look at the rest of the love potion- maybe it's tainted?"
They walked straight out the front door, after one last look at Voldemort's remains, and, once they were on the grounds, Fred cast an 'incendio' on the entire bag of No-Scorch Fireworks, and a few moments left, the only things left on the scene were the house-elves, the peacocks, and the merrily sparkling fireworks that lit up the entire countryside for miles.
Severus Snape had known, on some level, that he would likely need a quick escape should the Dark Lord discover his treachery, but he had always assumed that he would just use the Order portkey, provided that he survived long enough to say the code word. But he had had to use his Order portkey for something else, earlier, and Dumbledore, in his infinite wisdom, had made the portkey one-time use only. So his only option (aside from hexing his way out or trying to apparate out through the formidable wards of Malfoy Manor) would be to use the portkey the twins had given him. He was doomed. Even if it had worked, he would likely end up covered in whipped cream or something, knowing the imbecile pranks that the twins always liked to pull. And while he wouldn't mind losing his dignity if it preserved his life, he did not particularly want some inanity foisted on him either. So it was with some surprise that he stood, blinking in the buttery yellow light of-
"...The Burrow? What in Merlin's name?" He had never actually been there, but it could not be anything but the Burrow, with the sprawling, homey ambiance and Mrs. Weasley's famous clock on the wall. At that moment, Molly Weasley entered the room, covered in flour and holding a half-greased baking dish. "Fred, George, what are you doing away from- Snape?"
"Yes," the dour man responded, still blinking. "My apologies, Messrs. Weasley gave me an emergency portkey." Merlin, he felt like he was trying to explain why he'd taken the last biscuit or something. "I did not expect that it would take me here."
"No worries, Merlin knows I am well used to Fred and Georges' pranks." It was then that she seemed to fully take in what he had said. "...emergency portkey?"
Severus wanted to backtrack, but did not know how to do so without fully losing face. "Yes. We had...something of an arrangement, as I refused to allow them to experiment without my supervision. I did not expect to use the portkey." He suddenly stiffened. "I must get back to Hogwarts immediately. Something says they've pulled some sort of stunt in my absence."
"Best to go along then," Molly Weasley said. "And tell them they'll hear from me once you've resolved whatever situation you have to clean up," she added firmly, retreating back to the kitchen to finish greasing her pan.
Severus muttered an "Of course" after her, left the Burrow, and disapparated.
It seemed that the twins had indeed pulled "some sort of stunt" in his absence, and Hogwarts was a total riot. Apparently the new acting Minister of Magic Lapidus Greengrass had showed up to ask Dumbledore for advice, as half a dozen Death Eaters in full robes, including a most definitely alive Peter Pettigrew, had been ported into the Ministry Atrium trussed up and with pink ribbon bows, and the press was everywhere trying to get statements. Narcissa Malfoy (apparently off visiting) had come back to find her Manor lit up inside and out with heatless fireworks and an 'inappropriate' mark hanging in the air, the inside trashed thoroughly and aurors swarming everywhere, and the Unspeakables had been called to investigate what had been a Dark Lord. Severus did not want to know. Actually he did, and he knew just where to find his answers, too. After he'd had a few firewhiskeys. And possibly a nap. And...Merlin, why had his arm stopped burning?!
Severus stepped aside hastily into an abandoned classroom and drew back his left sleeve. And stared. The Dark Mark was disappearing, the black ink leeching away until it was not more than a pale grey outline, which then disappeared completely. Right. He was definitely having those firewhiskeys.
It was several hours later before he finally gulped a sobering potion and began his hunt to find answers.
"Messrs. Weasley!" He barked, tearing open the door to the Gryffindor Common room amid the Fat Lady's cries of "Password?! You're not the Head of House!"
Two heads popped up from the corner of the room, while the other Gryffindors stared.
"Hello,"
"Professor,"
"How may we-"
"Help you?"
"What exactly did you do?" It was a fair question, especially considering that Severus knew that they had done something.
"I would like to know that as well," broke in another voice, and Severus turned to see Dumbledore behind him, no hint of a twinkle in his crystal blue eyes.
"What makes you think-"
"We did it?"
Severus had not patience for this. "You are dangerously close to losing more points for Gryffindor than there are poppy seeds in the Draught of Peace..." he began.
"All right all right, we'll tell you," Fred said, sounding put-upon.
"Listen up, kiddies, storytime." The twins graced the entirety of the Gryffindor Common Room with identical devilish smirks. "Voldie's dead."
"Caput."
"No more."
"Pushing up daisies."
"Gone and joined the choir invisible."
The silence was quite impressive. Only Severus, who had already known, and Dumbledore, who was looking quite troubled, showed any expression other than utter unadulterated shock.
"And it all started with the Pink Toady," George continued, grinning. "We made-"
"A slightly illegal potion-"
"Love potion-"
"Especially for her-"
"And it seems-"
"That Voldie-"
"Is allergic to it too."
If anything, the troubled look on Dumbledore's face increased. "Tom has dabbled in the darkest of magics," he said, for once seeming to decide to bestow his pearls of wisdom on the general populace. "A love potion would not be enough to kill him."
"Oh, we know that," Fred said, still with that devilish grin.
"Fortunately-"
"We had some cursebreaker help us out."
"He really is-"
"Stone dead."
The twin speak thing was really only adding to Severus's headache.
"I am afraid that there is a prophecy..."
"Knew you'd say that."
"Rather too late, as it happens."
"We already figured it out."
"Cause Harry's magic power-"
"Is his brothers. And our tag-along here."
"Hey!" Lee Jordan protested. "You couldn't have done it without me!"
"You helped, yes. So did a certain...acquaintance of ours..." George winked at Severus. "But anyway, the war's over and Voldie's gone."
"Deceased."
"History."
"Off the mortal coi-"
"Detention, Messrs Weasley, Weasley, and Jordan, and a hundred and fifty points from Gryffindor for pulling that stunt," Severus finally broke in. Just because they'd destroyed the most evil wizard since Grindelwald did not mean that they would get away with this stunt scot free, not by a long shot. A few stinking cauldrons might cool their heads a little.
"Now Severus..." began Dumbledore, who had astonishingly recovered from his shock, twinkle restored, at the news that the war was over.
Severus ignored him in favor of finishing "And two hundred points to Gryffindor for saving the Wizarding World."
The twin thumps of Fred and George Weasley hitting the carpet in dead faints was almost enough to alleviate the fact the Slytherin had likely once again lost to the lions.
Wow, it's been a long time. I am so sorry for the slow updates, but things like being unable to access my FFnet account on my phone and AP Chem have been slowing me down. However, it's Christmas break, so cheers, have an update or three!