/Hey, again um ya its been a while. Not been doing the best not in the slightest but thats okay :) Thank you for reading. Sorry for any grammar or spelling errors in advance/
TRIGGER WARNING: Language, Self Harm, Eating disorders, Panic attacks, Drugs (Please read at your own risk, take care of yourself please)
Now moment
White lights fill my eyes. the smell of too much disinfectant, blood, vomit, bleach and an air freshener. all of these things fill my nose knighting my senses. Where the fuck am I? I try to jump up and look around but I am trying to move. I barely can open my eyes. I see a plastered ceiling. I am exposed again to my body, not mine anymore. I lay here fuck resizing this is not my bed! The sheets are itchy. They smell of that disinfectant. I feel needles in my arms and I see clear tubes running through my body. My skin looks translucent underneath the harsh lights. I look down. I am not in the comfort of my clothes that protect me from the world but instead I am in a hospital gown. it's white with little flowers in a criss cross pattern. I think that is where I am. It must be. I remember the 911 call faintly. I look down at my arm and there is a white band aid. Shit if they cut off my outfit then they must have seen my scars. They probably think I have gone mad insane even.
I mean I think I have gone nuts.
lost it all.
No they can't send me away. They can't! . I have to get out the thought vibrates in my skull. I have to be somewhere close to Pottstown. I think of the nearest hospital. It is mount trickle. It is a 20 min car ride from the middle of town and an hour and a half ish walk from the middle of town I have to get out though. I need to run. I sit up. I am surprised that the staff have not strapped me down better. I start to pick at the loose bands. shaking loss of them. I know once I run then there is a chance they might come after me but I don't fucking care anymore. I take in a breath. In- In- no— no — out I have to on the count of thre o! I rip the IV from my skin and the other patches and tubes in my body. blood flies all over the white room, like wine on the snow. I must have had nothing with me when they took me from my house.
I run down the stairs, practice flying and I hear sirens going off in the distance. But it is all background noise to me now. My only goal is to reach the door of the hospital. When I see the exit I bolt when I reached the outside it was cold and dark the moon was so high in the sky and it was sparkled with stars. I was barefoot running in the night.
Running and Running not looking behind me. I must have not been that important because they don't come after me. That kind of fills me with relief. I slow to a walk. Until I crumble to the side of the road sobbing practically choking on them I hate myself I am filled with hate hate for everything I am still alive! fuck off universe I hate you! Leave me alone let me die. I sit on the side of the road sobbing for quite some time. I try to choke myself but I can't. I am too tired to pull the gown tighter. The tears falling from my eyes create a puddle of water causing the dirt to cling to my gown. I got up enough energy to stand and manage to start to walk. Each step felt like forever. I don't want to move anymore but I have to. My goal is to reach my little apartment. I spot the light of Port Town in the distance. I keep moving, always moving. step after step.
The street looks so deserted and empty. Lights advertising, for places to eat shop and watch moves are overloading to my senses. I feel like with each place I walk past I am punched in the stomach. Thinking back to Owen his touch, and I know better then to miss this but I miss the way he smelled of musty pot and fresh cologne. How his eyes could look into mine and see the way I felt for real in its whole. I miss how he would hold me at night. all of these thoughts fly around in my head bouncing off the walls. Until I find myself at the doorstep of my little place. I open the door to my apartment. I could not have been in the hospital long because there was still everything on the floor, and on the walls it still smelled of blood mixed with the smell of beer. I look to the floor there is the stick liquid that has dried in clumps on the carpet. all of the future is overturned cover in vomit or blood. or glass shattered into a thousand little pieces. I look for my bag, I see it in the little corner I leave it be just the thought of knowing where it is converting. I move to the bed that is empty and stange to have my body curl up in a ball and sob also in the corner of it. I see the sun start to rise. I am on the verges of sleep when my phone starts to beed and ring from my bag. I crawl to the bag in the corner. I let the phone buzz in my hand, I let the light of the divine lighting up my face. Between tears I try to make out what was flashing across the screen. I make an incoming call from Kate. I press the accept the call button. Kate's voice fill the little room
"Mhila are you there?" Her voice thick with concern
" Honey answer me" all I could do was choke on sobs
" I-i m alive" I pep out
" Ok ok good, You need to talk to me. What happened?" '
" I took pills and wine-" she sucks in her Breath " after Owen-"
more tears cover my face "Owen what?"
" He hurt me then left me." The rest tumbles out of me like a waterfall that has been trapped behind a dam. About the bear touching me, (the triggers he pulled) the blood was cutting. The hospital is running away. Me covered in blood with rocks in my feet.
" Mihla, hon I am so sorry I can't be there to help you through this. What he did was not ok and pushed you over the edge,
I am glad you're still alive. You had me really scared there. But I am not there and not your doctor anymore you need to get help"
"i know" I whisper through the sobs
"I don't know where to go…"
"I will send you some people around there. Mila your needed here on this earth I don't want you to leave it like that"
"I know" the guilt and shame covered my face.
" Ok I have to go but I need you to tell me your gonna be ok and not try anything else"
"I won't" I promise but lied all at the same time
After Kate hangs up, I take what is left of the wine and drink it all. I walk through the apartment looking to see everything that has been taken by Owen and Tessa. Everything has been trashed everywhere all over the apartment. I wander through the place but it is not like I am looking at it I see it through different eyes. It is though I am looking at myself walking through the rooms in almost a third person. I run my hands over the empty walls. I reach the room where Owen and I have our savings or had. there is nothing nothing! no more of the money! he took it all left me with nothing and my touch drops to the pit of my stomach all my work weeks on months of work all down the drain all my hard work. all the hours my aunt how am I gonna reach my goal I start to hyperventilate on the floor then
I try to stop playing a game with myself but I can't this time. That money meant the thing that could fix this was the thing that could have saved me. I wanted to get to her so bad I am so alone here I need to have someone hold me and tell me ok you're ok. But no I will be here for so much longer than I had thought I will be here forever it feels like. I need help but where to go? I feel so lost. I am going to be here and try to get more money so that I can go to my aunt. My stomach fills with butterflies as I pace the floor of my apartment. What am I going to do now?
Dear Irie,
fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me
(authors insert- this was a part of the original draft made last year, from the month of oct in 2019 I would start a long complicated relationship with a "counselor" who did bad things to me the revelation is me now telling me then how basically shit help is because it is) Sry it has nothing to do with the story but :) oh well
There are many many ways to ask for help without saying that dreaded four letter word, You could sneak it into a song . Or a dance. You could write an email and not say it face to face. You could put it through the way you act. But now I have to get help. But how I have no one who would listen, who would watch. Who would hear me. You know sometimes I wanna tell someone cry in their arms and just talk for hours about everything but then I remember there is no one who would want to listen. There have been so many times I have gotten up the courage to open up about then then I realized what's the point anymore. I have tried enough, how am I going to do this after so many long years? I am going to reach out just to talk then I never have to go back there right? right. Ok. I guess Irie I am going to look for help not be forced into it for the first time in years. Ok I know I know don't laugh I am fucking weak.
Revelation: Don't just don't. You should have trusted your gut, yes it will be good to have a back up when shit hits the fan. But she used you, she will give you trust issues on top of the ones you have making it more difficult for you to move on. She will become something you can't get away from, she will also be what you think of a normal relationship with a counselor. She will be someone you think you can trust but can't. She will gas light you on top of your parents. You will have a few months where you think you're going crazy, she will think of herself as a god for curing you when you have to keep up a blatant lie.
When you think it can't get worse your last hope let's call her " E " Will leave you in person and on read when your in pain, you will be left alone in the pain. You will try to find someone new, complications with interfere with that. You get tattled on, you will get lied to, you will have to deal with the reaction the counselor has caused you making you want to close up after you show how you really feel you have too hide be fine not a burden. You will be assigned someone who can't seem to do enough or the right thing.
You will look for someone to fill the void your parents left, you will fight with your friends over the help your offered you will fight with one of them about how you are not to filled with your own issues and you can be there for you but you already knew that ( I read your note from DEC 2019 :/ ) You will have to go around rules to get more blades, you will have to hide the fact you never stopped. You will have to hide the fact you do it in the first place in a new setting. Long story short ~ Help is not worth it no matter how much you try to think it is it hurts you it burns you :) so keep faking it, push everyone away, shut up about your issues, be happy, deal with your own shit, you will be fine if you live that way. Any other way you will not be able to do it, but i don't have to tell you, you know, you have always known.
Now moment
I wake on the floor of the little apartment shack that I am staying in the current moment.. The sun dances around my eyes. I try to lay still convincing myself that I am still asleep and able to get a few more minutes to rest. My whole body aches with the contents of the night. My legs are so sore from walking. I can't take this pain so fill the void with the advil 6. I am too full today everything hurts. My walls are filled to the brim with water and are starting to bleed in the other parts of my life. I am too full for food. I am too full. I can't move or breathe. the world is spinning around me. I look to the recommendations that have been given to me from kate.
All of them seem shitty. they are all teenage therapy or even one to one sessions with shrinks or group sessions and fucken hell no I am not doing that. I will have to find something on my own I guess at this point if we're being honest I put down the phone the blue light stinging my eyes. My body is so broken down from the overall stress of the long walk yesterday. Is there something that will fill my crave to open out my emotion the bottle of pain in my eyes that I have kept locked inside for as long as I could. I have to stay longer. I know, I do and that sucks shit! I hate Owen for taking that away from me my freedom my chance for something better and safer for me. I needed that to get closer to my aunt closer to my freedom. I have wonder for nights how it will be when I can sink in to my aunts arms and have her hold me and tell me your safe and ok now. I think for right now I am not going to try and get help. I know better at the moment. I know that if I get help then I will break down in that situation plus I have not seen a counsler or therapist for so fucking long! I am too scared now to do this.
What to do now, I guess I have to go to work today, I have to start again getting and earning more money because If I want to get anywhere in the next few weeks I have to start somewhere. I put on the plain t-shirt that I find is the only one not covered in blood or beer. And some black pants that cling to my thighs. I wander down the streets to work, the early mornings remind me of him I try to block it out with the nose that fills my head. When I get to the big library Betty is at the desk, She looks at me in a strange way her eyes hold instead of the twisted look another look today the one of put and utter understanding . I just shrug it off knowing better, it must just be one of her phases she goes through. But instead of staying behind the desk she comes around and pulls me into one big big hug, her clothes smell of old books, the smell holds me and concerns me.
She says " long time no see. How are you?"
I nod smiling the best I can. I know better than to speak if I did the ache in the back of my thoughts would erupt with the sobs I have tried to hold in.
" Ava is coming to see you"
Ava? how does she know Ava? Ava and I weren't close or any special shit like that. " Oh, I should mention I am her grandmother. Sorry about not telling you soon she told me to keep an eye on you when you left Kansas. I told her about this boy who had come with you down here and how he left you, We all heard the sirens of the ambulance on the street it is a small town so we hear everything"
It all makes sense now that is how she knew me so well. " Ava comes tomorrow I can't be at the airport to get her so could you take my car up there to get her tomorrow morning?"
" Of course" is all I can mummer at the moment.
I don't know whether to smile or cry or fall apart all at once. I chose to smile for the poor sake of Betty. I thank her and then turn to head to my desk. I fill my day with words, words of sorrow, words of hate. words of love. Words that encase these little stories are the kind of stories that hold your intranet. for so long. I sit there wondering, could my words fill paper like that? can I fill papers with the ways that I feel. to convey the feelings I have. I think about this for a long time. Even when I lay on the mattress that I have pulled to the floor. Until sometime around midnight I pick up a pen. Find a scrap paper from the floor. I sit down and start to draw under the picture. I put words not onto anything special. I draw irie her cracked smile her blond hair sticking to her face plastered there by sweat her tiny cock in the head like she was laughing her eyes are deep set and if you look close enough you can see the pain within them underneath the picture i put the words:
my heart is filled
with sorry sorry sorry
it won't stop
it pounds in my ears
I carry it with me everywhere
I did not want to disappoint you
but i know I have
your eyes are mirroring
the pain i feel
Dear Irie,
Death is final but you keep going
Hi, I miss the fuck out of you at the moment I hope your proud you left me with that much shit to fix. ahahahah I know you would have felt the same if I left you. Did I tell you thanks? Thanks for telling me you're ok. You came to visit me one day and I want to thank you for caring enough to do that. (it meant a lot to me)
Do you remember your grandmother? well you should and she should be with you at the moment. but that is way off topic and besides the point. You talked about the time your grandmother came to visit you through a butterfly? how right after she died you saw a butterfly and you felt it inside your bones that that was her in all her wonderfulness. After that day we both had made a deal come back to each other as butterflies if one died before the other because it was something only we knew… After you died I was so pissed I thought you had left me in whole not even a butterfly vist to tell me that you were okay. But then all that shit went down and I forgot about it all together I mean look what else was I supposed to do? Well yesterday you came to me. You remembered and came to me. I was sitting on the little hill the other day and without warning this incredible butterfly came and landed on my leg right on the scars that spell your name. I looked at it and it looked at me. we exchanged many words in the silence and you here'd them did you not? One more reason I know it was you after I had finished all I had to say it left. Flying light and weightless into the wind. And I sat and cried. You were ok. You were safe in some universe somewhere you were safe. I love you my beautiful butterfly.
now moment
I am sipping from the warm coffee in the cup while trying to focus on the road. I am on my way to pick up Ava at the airport. Betty lent me her car this morning and I took it from there pretty much I did not have a car anymore thanks to good ol' Owen who stole that from me too. The countryside is incredible no like it is… my heart flies up and down when I drive through it. I play the music in the radio, I can't carry this anymore by Anson Seabra comes over the radio some of the lyrics to to me the ones like " Mama says the sun gonna shine but mama don't know what it's like to wanna die" and " I can't carry this anymore heavy, from the hurt inside my vines wonder what it's like to be ok" the words stick to me like the smell of the forest after you take a long walk in it.
The lines of the song play in repeat in my mind as I pull in to the airport. I walk to the main pick up entrance thingy that they have in airports. air ports are a lot like hospitals when you think about it. They both smell funny and look real stange, I wait for Ava to arrive then I see her, she looks better her eyes no longer have holes in them her face looks brighter and she her breathing is more regular showing to my very weak detective eye that she may have quit smoking overall it looks like she has tried to clean herself up. Her face is full of overwhelming sadness when she lays her eyes on me. She runs to me and pulls me in to one big embrace I am almost on the floor when I can finally make out what she is saying to me. She is whispering sorry, over and over again. People are starting to look at us strangely. I diced this is not the time and place for me to john her in the mental breakdown. If I joined her we would be here for hours. She smells of fresh early morning dew.
I offer her my place to stay at and for the time being she agrees, she says she doesn't want to leave me alone and she wants to help me get back on my feet. I thank her for helping me with that. The drive home is mainly her telling me about everything that has been happening back at The wallflower, apparently nothing has changed. We reach my apartment. When we enter to every fucking god out there, Ava drops her bags and stumbles back. I can't tell if it is because of the smell or the way the place looks.
I haven't made any move to clean it in the last few weeks I have been too tired to make that move. "this will not do!" Ava is shaking her head causing under her breath by then end of the evening she has the apartment looking brand new. there is no more vomit smell or blood or beer. All the wine bottles and and the cigarettes have been thrown away. When that is done Ava sits me down on the bed. She wants to know what happened I tell her everything. About Owen and everything after Owen. "I wish I could say that it is surprising to me what he has done and how he has done it but that Owen has been on drugs for a long time you would rarely see him leaving the house my god without being on something,
I tried to warn you tell you something but he saw and got in the way, I am sorry" She holds me tight, I cry in her arms. Then I tell her about everything, attempts at my life my self harm how I have to start again at this whole life thing. Ava says
" Honey this is out of my hand I want to help you but in this area I can't, we gonna need to get you some help. Help real help Ok?"
"No No" I scream I know I can't I can't and I tell her this. She says "look we are going to see how your doing but if you need it I am taking you to get that help ok?" I nod not thinking about tomorrow. I try to change the subjects and ask her about her life. I hope by doing this then she will forget about how insane I am and not worry to much about me. well it turns out that Ava is 29 she was married once but then got divorced she dropped out of collage and then she came to kansas kind of like me looking of a job but she never left she stayed in Kansas working at the wallflower. she and this man who she was married to tried to have kids but there were many miscarriages and when she finally was pregnant she went through labor and had this wonderful baby girl (her name was going to be Melody by Mel for short)but then her daughter died in the hospital later that night due to the heart failures. She had lost so many people, she chose to drown all of it out in her drinking and smoking this was a part of the reason why she was divorced. I take this all in. This further proves all of life is fucking complicated and we are all just trying to make it. We all have back stories we chose not to share, things in our past we keep secret things we chose to hide and or berry. You never know who you could be talking to.
When you walk into a room filled with people think what are their stories? You could be talking to a muderder, your parents hide things, everyone hides thing deep deep down. All of these thoughts are floating through my mind. When we are finished talking we pick the sleeping Arrangements I take the mattress on the floor, Ava takes the one on the bed. After all this heavy thinking picking where to sleep is easy.
Dear Irie,
Pull me out the train wreck
I'm trapped in a glass cube. The walls have locked me in. There are only white lights that flood the room. The floor is marble. The air is cold and wraps me. I am stuck in it no matter how much I try to run it is always there. I try to scream, Laugh. Fuck no it wont work like that it docent work like that. The cube of depression sucking out all life in me. I have no room left to fill any of this. I am empty. I feel like I could never do enough in the world and still be empty. Looking for something, anything to take this pain away from me. and put it into something else. There is nothing left for me to do, think. what's the point anyways. I will look out onto the world with the glass in between me and it . I will pound on the glass and try to shatter it. but it can move or break. I cry pounding on its walls waiting for it to open up around me but nothing happens. Why would anything happen? nothing ever happened. I have filled the walls of myself with pictures and heartbreaks and songs and dances. Now I am full and I can't accept that I'm full there. I said, ``Are you happy you have been trying to pull that out of me for so long?'' I can't do it anymore. Have I said it happily?
I was full but kept piling on top of everything. Until the wall became blurred they tried to adapt to me and my obsessive piling but they could not. Now I am empty, numb. I can't pick which one hurts more. I think they hurt more when they are together. one moment I am so empty I can't fill anything, then the next minute I can't put anything else into my mind or body.
It is too full. I am at war with myself in so many ways. I am fighting alone. My little world a bible a false sense of security a way to keep myself being to hurt to put up walls of little bubbles keeping the worlds sprout when they are broken down and meet in the middle i can't handle it and crumble because i can't deal with it i just need the balck heat that all this causes me quiet sh sh sh I tell it like I tell myself to breathe it's like talking down to yourself in the third person. you lose yourself yet you were not all there to begin with or we would not be in this mess in the first place .
if i died who would i leave behind who's would care i can't do this its hard i mean it no no no stop i want them to stop talking to me its too much make it stop make it stop I'm the curse the reason for all this shit happening it's my fault i'm not good enough i'm never good enough please please make it stop I want it to be over I want it to end please? you told me to not tell anyone when im hurting because its weak yet when your doing things you have to tell people the fuck? you know how much that screwed me up? look- listen me not knowing what's going on or what was going on in your life screwed me the fuck up it SCREWED ME UP! you hear me? No i don't work like you because i'm not you- you can't handle me my shit it triggers you okay…. that's you.
Me? it is the opposite not knowing kills me more! because I don't feel like I'm doing enough . You don't want to be a reason that i feel the world ending you don't want ties you don't want connections well see… you do not tell me. I get you don't have to tell me everything I get but something please? I feel like I'm too much when you can't trust me. it hurts me a lot a fucking lot and no matter how much i tell you this you cant see any other way. but i can't tell you because you and me both know you can't take it you have said so. If I had known it was my last year with you I would have pushed this harder.
HOW FAR DO I FUCKING HVE TO GO UNTIL PEPOPLE LISTEN- jesus
I just want to make sure your okay, I already think enough people are mad at me or hate me, please please I am just so tired of going do you hate me? I wish you would trust me.
Honestly I just want you to be okay but I mean keeping you at a distance is best if when i'm not here anymore you won't have any ties you can move on the way it should be, and i'll know you will be happy that's what matters most.