Chapter Title "Fireproof" by The National

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!

Squealing and laughing they ran back to the car, soaked through to their underwear because that rain was coming down on them pretty hard all of a sudden.
Rianne quickly opened the sliding doors of the van and closed them behind her and Jay with a loud bang.

"I love a good thunderstorm," she exclaimed excitedly when there was another loud echo outside, followed by a flash of lightning.

"Yeah, me too, but watching safely from the inside," Jay had to catch his breath from their sprint back to the car, looking not so thrilled as she was about this weather-spectacle.

Rianne laughed at him. There he was chasing criminals and what-not everyday and seemed intimidated by a simple thunderstorm.
Benefitting from all the advantages of the van, she fished some towels and spare clothes out of one of the cupboards and handed Jay a longsleeve that looked vaguely familiar. He raised one of his eyebrows at her, making her wonder as usual how he did that:

"Isn't this the one you borrowed a while ago when you went 'yoga-boarding'?"

"Yeah… I kinda held on to it… you know, habit… so thankfully now you got something dry to wear. Wouldn't want you to get a cold in addition to your ruined shoulder," she defended herself.

"Don't you dare say it's ruined! It's already as good as new," Jay complained.

To show her how well he was doing on his own he got off the sling and took off his wet shirt, revealing that still very well in shape body of his. Rianne had to give it to him that he indeed had been able to do a whole lot to her yesterday night, injured or not. Thinking back to those passionate hours she was still getting a little flustered. She wouldn't have thought it possible to master even another new level of intimacy with him.
She tried not to laugh but Jay was moving around funnily because he couldn't get out of the shirt as he usually would and the space in the camper was confined. His arm and shoulder were still a little stiff and probably hurt a lot when he bend them too much. Getting into the new shirt was even trickier. At one point she couldn't bear it anymore and inserted herself:

"Man, I can't watch this. Please, let me help you with that!"

Rianne almost suspected he would protest and be all stubborn. But maybe he liked being cared for or it was really too painful to do it by himself. Jay let her roll up the sleeves and put them onto his injured arm carefully, then tuck his head and his other arm in. While doing that she kept thinking back to what his wound looked like under the bandage that was covering it up, her heart beating faster. She needed to let that go too, just like her other fears.
When she was done Rianne held on to his hands, intertwining their fingers and looking down at their combined limbs.

"I could have done that myself eventually, you know?" Jay said in a low voice and she could hear that he was smiling.

"Yeah, I know. Just wanted to be of service…because, you know: I love you," she looked up, mirroring his expression.

She noticed that having said it once made it less harder to say it twice or for the third and fourth time. She really did love him. This little spark from two months ago had turned into a full-blown fire by now and it was too late for Rianne to put out the flames on her own, so why bother?
They were face to face now in the confined space of the van, rain crashing down onto the roof, water gushing down the windows. It was cozy and intimate.
Rianne went up on her tiptoes to press her lips to his stubbly chin softly. They still had to take care of that hair issue, she thought.
Jay let go of one of her hands and put his right one into her neck to hold her to him, leaning down to kiss her forehead, her closed eyes and then finally her lips. Her heart was beating uncontrollably as Jay deepened the kiss, making her legs turn to jelly, leaving her breathless afterwards. This was just unexplainable. She was wondering if they would ever get tired of doing this or if that electricity would slowly ebb away somehow? Right now it felt more like it was getting stronger every minute she spent with him. Like a tidal wave pulling her further and further away from the shore.

Sipping tea and feasting on some sandwiches she had prepared for them they waited out the bad weather and when the heavier rain stopped and it was just slightly dripping down, Rianne opened the back doors of the van. They laid down on the bed there and looked out across the beach and Lake Michigan. It was dusty, but the air mild. It smelled just wonderful after that heavy shower. Not like it would in the summer after a rainfall on hot streets, but earthy and fresh, cleansed.

"I think this was a worthy last trip for this baby here," Rianne fondly patted the van's metal on the inside walls, then continued to massage Jay's head and neck.

"Glad we did that too. I am really curious to see your winter car though." Without looking up he kept talking to her and reminded Rianne of her cat at the moment, stretching and bending his head to her touch with relish.

She loved when he was able to let himself relax with her.

"Probably it's more to your liking than this one, because it has slightly more horsepower and is not quite so 'ridiculously impractical' as you once put it."

She still remembered that conversation with him.

"So what is it?"

"A Ford Explorer Sport Trac from '09."

"Nice, I call dips on not driving shotgun in that one then!"

"Oh, so would driving shotgun continually be a deal-breaker for you?" Rianne didn't know about the quarrels he'd had with Erin about that in their earlier partnership.

"Not necessarily. But I like driving in general, and I like controlling the speed and just taking care of you I guess…"

"Okay… as long as you don't hog the wheel all the time when you're all healed up, it's fine by me. What would be a real deal-breaker for you between us then?"

"If you kept bolting on me. I already had that and I can't be chasing after you all the time."

Rianne nodded, understanding that she had more than once given him the impression that she was maybe capable of doing just that.
There was something else he needed to add, opening his eyes now and looking at her beseechingly:

"And I need you not to try to hide something because you think I can't handle it. I am not that broken. I know there are some things that trigger me and stress me out, but I am dealing with it. So I need you to let me try and be there for you too and don't treat me like a child!"

Putting her hand over his she found herself trying to assure him that this was not at all what she thought of him:

"Jay I never saw you as a broken person, I never will. We all have our dark corners and stories we would rather not tell. I think ultimately it's what makes us human, unique and maybe even stronger. The fact that you can admit to your soft sides, your weaknesses and flaws, even your wrong-doings, makes you more of a man in my eyes than anyone I know…"

"You got no right so say that you're sorry. You got no right to help me or Bobby. I don't need your pity or your money. You can't just hand out a few hundred dollars and pretend that this didn't happen. That you're cleansed of your sins... You deserve to die!"

Jay jolted upright, he'd heard himself groan in his sleep and realized this was not real, yet it felt just as bad. He sat upright on the edge of the bed that wasn't his own, but felt already like it, because that one special person shared it with him at the moment. Rianne had made it her mission to try and keep off of him during the night because of his injuries, instead of covering him with her body like she normally used to do. He would surely have woken her up otherwise, but she was still sprawled out on her side, not moving just breathing softly.

Trying to get his bearings and hoping he didn't wake her up after all Jay got up. He needed some air.
The shadow of that dream, of Angela's hateful expression when she'd pointed that gun at him, her pain and determination directed at him, when she had pulled that trigger, left him with the feeling of some serious oxygen withdrawal. Grabbing a shirt he went as silently as he could and climbed up the stairs to the roof deck.

Jay'd thought the fresh air and the wide open space above him would do him good, would somehow ease his spinning mind and take away something of this hot lump in his stomach, that was pressing down on him from the inside. It was causing this need to either break something or do something equally destructive. These were the moments that made him feel like he couldn't live with himself, that didn't fit in with that other version of him: the perception that he was an upright and apt person, a good person. Most people just got to see the 'together-version' of Jay Halstead, the one who protected others, the one who got things done, always sharp. But there was so much more to him.

He still felt a little short of breath and cold sweat forming on his forehead, so he tried to calm himself down by putting his head between his knees and his hand in his neck, sitting on the lounge-area up here that was still a little wet from earlier rainfall and certainly cold against his legs.
Sometimes he feared that when he completely lost control over this head-carousel he wasn't really sane enough to determine what he was capable of. It was like a roller coaster ride that no one could pull the brakes on, sometimes it was just too late for that.

In his peripheral vision, he noticed the door to the roof swing open and closed, Rianne's figure scurrying out, pulling some jacket closed, hugging herself to shield her body against the cold night air.

"Jay? Jay! Are you alright, you scared me!" She must have noticed him leaving the bedroom after all.

When he didn't answer, because he was already on that downward ride, only those toxic thoughts in his head, she was at his side in a second, just kneeling on the lounge next to him, grabbing his face to make him look at her.

"Jay, what's happening?"

"I… I should have died!" he pressed out. "She was right!"

His stomach was in knots, his heart tightening in his chest, hurting like hell. He couldn't unclench his fingers anymore.

"Who was right Jay? What are you talking about?" Rianne was making big, confused eyes at him, still a little sleepy.

She had been right too, she had warned him about something like this. She had wanted to look out for him and he had pushed her away. Not so literally, but he had dismissed her concerns and done something stupid and dangerous anyway. How could she love him?
It hurt him even more to look at her worried face right now, he had caused her so much pain. And still Jay found himself repeating to her what Angela hat said to him in that cellar, how she had looked at him with that disgust.

"I deserved to die! I mess with people's lives!"

With Camila it had somehow been the same. He had played her, made her fall in love with him, pretending to be a different person. She had said that he made her sick…
Jay jumped up and paced the roof deck like a tiger in a cage. He wanted these thoughts to disappear, somewhere inside of him he knew they were doing nothing to change what had happened, what was already done, but they were implanted in his brain anyway. He was only short of hitting his head against the wall to make it stop.

Possibly anticipating that, Rianne was suddenly in his way, pushing against his body with all her might, making him sit back down on the lounge again. She was yelling at him outrageously to make sure her words reached him somehow:

"Sit your ass down here and calm the fuck down! Just stop it! Jay, listen to me: Don't ever, I mean: EVER say something like this! It's stupid, it's self-destructive and not true! And you can't do that to me!" For good measure she made sure to sit down on top of him, making it more difficult for him to get up.

Her fingers were boring themselves into the flesh of his upper arms, inflicting a slight pain that took the edge off a little bit. He felt the tears he hated so much prickling behind his eyes, when he got aware of her angry and yet scared and apprehensive features.

"You hear me?" When she was sure he wasn't fighting her to get up again, she eased her grip on him a bit.

"It just hurts so much Rianne! I only wanted to do right by her," Jay found himself falling, falling against her steadying and warm body, not budging, but catching him.

That he had said her name told her that he wasn't that far away anymore. Rianne found herself trying to soothe him:

"You will be okay again Jay! The pain you are feeling now, it will not always be like this! You have saved so many people doing what you're doing and doing it the way you do it. Sometimes I think you don't even take that into account. You're not the only one responsible for how people live their lives and how they find themselves in dangerous and difficult situations in the first place. Deep down you must know that!"

Somehow she had been waiting for some kind of episode like this to come, after all that he had been through. But now that it was happening it was almost more severe than she had been anticipating. The way Jay was clutching at her reminded her so much of that night she had spent with him at his place after Marcus' death. Jay was holding her so tight that it was hard to breath, it was physically hurting her, but the pain she felt inside for him was even bigger. She was aching, her heart was absolutely bleeding at seeing him like this:

"Baby, I am so sorry you have to go through this…" she caressed his shaking back and cradled his head against her shoulder.

It was so sad that after the lovely day they'd had this content was bubbling up inside of him now. Or maybe it wasn't even that surprising at all. Sometimes she too felt even sadder and that she didn't deserve happiness when something good happened. There was no controlling the demons of the night sometimes.

"I just can't believe I was so stupid, so naive. That I did not see this coming. That I thought this would turn out the right way. And I'm so sorry that I disappointed you," his lip trembled slightly as he said that out loud, looking up at her again, eyes troubled.

She really wished she could take this away from him, but she knew she couldn't. The one thing she could do was just be there and get him back inside, comfort him. So she got off of him and pulled him up with her:

"Come on! We're not done talking, but we're freezing to death up here!"

Jay thankfully followed her and let himself be handled onto the sofa, trembling under some woolen blankets, just now feeling cold, while Rianne got them something to drink. She felt like they needed something to take the edge off, at least she did.
So she handed Jay one of the scotch glasses she had filled and slipped under the blankets with him to warm herself up as well. All of her limbs felt like ice from being out in the night air for too long and he did feel like an ice-berg against the naked parts of her skin. Rianne took a sip, scrunching up her face at the bitter taste, but grateful for the fire spreading out from the strong liquor on her insides. Jay did as well, handling it better than her though. Turning into him she carefully weighed her words then:

"You didn't disappoint me, I just felt that you acted like you're alone in this, like there aren't other people to consider that are affected by your actions. And I'm not only talking about me here: There's your brother, your unit, your friends… everyone would be devastated if something happens to you, because believe it or not: You're rather popular."

Jay scoffed beside her, but didn't protest.

"So, the way I see it being in a relationship means that you don't act like you're the only person in your life, so if you seem to forget about it again like you did with Angela and dismiss me and my opinion, don't give a fuck about it and go on that self-destructive path anyway, that's a huge dealbreaker for me."

"I get that you have a tendency to want to save people, maybe even save them from themselves sometimes. I'm not sure I will always agree with you on this, but to an extent I have to accept that this is just how you are. But I can't watch you offer yourself up playing the good samaritan or trying to smooth out the mistakes you made, if it does harm you more than that it helps. I need you to think a little bit more about yourself and the people that love you."

"Yeah, I really got that all wrong, didn't I?" It was the first time he commented on her insight, it was more of a compunctious mumble.

"You can keep hanging on to that or see it like this: In the end, you and her: You both got lucky! You're both alive! She can still be with her son, watch him grow up, maybe move to another city where she can change her and his narrative. And you can turn over a new page too. Maybe with a little help, maybe with time. Everybody's willing to be there if you need help doing it."

Rianne put their glasses down on the table next to them and snuggled closer to him. Jay was quiet for a while, maybe somewhere else with his thoughts already or taking into account what she had just said. She really hoped she got through to him somehow. Rianne was glad to feel that warming up against each other had finally worked and Jay's hand on her waist didn't feel like one of an icy ghost anymore. He edged his face closer to hers, his nose almost touching hers:

"I don't wanna use you as my therapist. Because you're not, but I find myself just putting things on you I don't wanna be putting on anyone."

"So what? I'm sure I am not the only one in your orbit who is happy to take some of the load you're carrying. But you're right: I am not your therapist because if I was I would charge you a fortune to sit here with you at three a.m., drinking, instead of doing it for free, because I'm in love with all of you. And I wouldn't be allowed to do this…"

Trying to caress some of his still lingering pain away she pressed her lips to his softly, holding his face in her hands.

"How can you love that broken side of me?" Jay looked at her incredulously.

"Do you love my broken sides?" she counter-questioned him.

"Yeah!"

"So there's your answer!" She kissed him again, this time running her tongue along the edge of his lips, glad he too engaged in the kiss:

"Feel a bit better?"

Jay nodded and pulled her on top of him, pressing her to his heart and running his fingers through her hair. For a while they were just breathing along together in a steady rhythm.

"Anything else I can do?" Rianne asked, hoping he wouldn't just dismiss her and pretend to be just fine now.

"Would you play that song again for me?" Jay said after giving it some thought.

"What song exactly?"

"I don't know, you were listening to some new folk album some days ago, and then began to play some of these songs yourself, kinda in your own acoustic versions…."

"Oh, yeah, I know what you mean… I was trying to play some Wildwood Kin songs…"

"Something about brokenness?"

"You sure you want me to play this to you now?"

"Positive!"

So she did as he asked, grabbed her guitar in the middle of this night and just played, while he lay there listening. That song Jay had requested spoke of coming to terms with making mistakes, that people were shaped by them and they belonged to them, that every broken piece of a person made that person unique and beautiful in a way. Rianne hoped with all of her heart that he would be able to see it like that one day.

Rianne had been irritable and trying to pick a fight with him all morning.
From their morning coffee over the ride to his physio-appointment, to going grocery shopping together (Jay couldn't believe the amount of normalcy that had settled in his life for the past week).
There was always something wrong with people that crossed their paths, or him, because he wasn't picking up the pace, not being talkative enough or whatever. At some point Jay had enough and pulled her up on his lap once they were back at the loft again and Rianne was already running around complaining again how it was possible to spill coffee all over the kitchen and that the coffee was tasting much too weak anyway.

"Come on, cut the crap babe! What's going on? You've been really bitchy all morning and the day has just gotten started. I can go back to my place, leave you alone again if that's what's bothering you so much …" He guessed this was not what this was really about, because it couldn't be possible that they had that much of a different perception of their time together.

It had been six days now since he'd been released. After his emotional breakdown Friday night they had gone back to spending their time in some sort of loved-up bubble.

Jay had really enjoyed that time with her, it just sucked to not be able to do everything he wanted to do and that his body still had some work to do. But he was slowly getting better every day. Jay just loved watching Rianne go about 'her everyday' and be a part of it. Of course this was not quite her usual daily routine, because she wasn't working at the moment, but anyway. Rianne spent a lot of her time with him on the couch, reading and sometimes even knitting when he was dozing off to some sports channel or a movie they had picked. They had started to watch "New Girl" from the start, because she just liked it so much and he had become quite addicted to this too. They laughed a lot about some of the quirks and originalities they learned about each other (for example Rianne's tendency to hum to herself whenever she was concentrating really hard and the fact she was pretty clumsy). Jay had had the chance to hear her talk on the phone to her dad in Spanish and to her mum in Dutch, sounding totally different from the way he knew her talk to him or other people in their circle of friends or colleagues. He loved listening in when she played the guitar and had pretended to be asleep several times in her room just to hear that soft and melodious, moony sounds when she thought no one was listening as she sat on the upstairs gallery. She always left him little notes when she'd gotten up early to do her yoga up on the rooftop in the morning. That was if he let her get up or slept in. Jay generally loved how she just breathed, how she sat and lay there and forgot the world around her when she was engulfed in something. Another treat: she cooked up a storm every day! He soon had to start working out again or he was bound to gain a few pounds, he just couldn't resist.

"No! I don't want that. I'm… I guess I am just frustrated that I have to get back to work tomorrow and frustrated that I am frustrated. I don't know that feeling, but I would rather stay here with you…" she pulled at some of his short hairs, that she had cut for him yesterday, pouting a little.

Another thing to love: If he confronted her directly she more and more coughed up to her true feelings and motives. He liked getting to see that soft side and was getting better at reading her well.

"Okay, but you don't have to worry about me. I am perfectly fine. I'm going back to work myself this week, at least to desk duty, soon as I had that meeting with the police shrink on Thursday. My physiotherapist is hopeful that I won't even have to wear that stupid sling for much longer."

"I know… and I'm happy for you. It's just… this has been great and I don't want it to stop. I liked our little lazy bubble and it being just us two."

"Yeah, me too. A lot!"

"And I'm afraid that once our everyday-drama sets in it'll change."

"But babe, this - you and me - will not just change." Jay tugged at her arms to make her hug him:

"I won't let anything mess with this. So you trying to pick a fight with me: Not worth the energy! I'm not biting, so stop and let's enjoy your last day of work-freedom!" He kissed behind her ear and heard her sigh deeply.

It was true: This time together had been really important for them to form a stronger bond, a bond that would in his opinion help to shield them from anything that would be thrown their way in the future.

"You wanna maybe go to Molly's tonight? Ease into the whole: Interacting with other people thing?"

In the end it didn't take that long to convince her that it would be good for them to make an outing.

AN: I was indeed listening to the album of Wildwood Kin and stumbled across that song "Beauty in your brokenness" when I was writing about Jay's episode. I can just recommend to give it a go, it's really quite fitting and just so beautiful to listen to right now in this season (at least I for my part love me some melancholic autumn soundtrack). So in the next chapter we'll be seeing the whole Chicago Gang again at Molly's - I am looking forward to it, hope you do too!