Konoha is a quiet village and these days it is almost painful to find yourself surrounded by peace and happiness. The scars left by war are deep and they painfully sting when at night or when people around are joyful. But she can live with the pain and the memory of war because that is all she has left. By now she started getting used to carefree people and even if the nights feel oddly cold and quiet, Sakura can go to sleep knowing that at least her nightmares will bring back the times she so much misses. And if she is lucky, she will dream of him being there with her, hands wrapped around her body and sharingan staring at her. Such nights are most precious and she waits for the day to pass so she can go to sleep. These days, Shisui is nothing but a character in her dreams because the real person is unreachable. She knew such a day would come eventually and although she finds everything to be unfair, she cannot do anything about it. Shisui was busy even before but now that they are back he is impossible to find in this big village. All she can do is hope that she will bump into him when she is walking through the village.
Last time they met, her hands were strongly wrapped around his middle and she cried her heart out because she didn't know what else to do. She had no expectations from him to comfort her, although it would have been nice. The only consolation she has now is that despite not knowing what to do or how to talk to her, he waited for her to calm down and cry all her frustration before he told her he is in a hurry. By that point she had no tears left to shed and her head was painfully hurting so she couldn't really react. The response from her was a head nod which could've been interpreted in many ways but he didn't ask if she is fine with it or if she has any complains. He took the nod as a good enough answer and he jumped off leaving her there, confused because of everything. But she couldn't cry anymore and she had no more stamina to react in any way so she turned on her heels and silently walked home with her head down and some hope that he will visit her soon. He didn't.
Somehow the return home is more emotionally scarring that war itself.
"Sakura?" Mebuki asked and brought Sakura back to the present time, remind her that she is in the living room with her parents, eating breaking together. Sakura remembered to bring the food to her mouth and continued eating as if she hadn't blanked out a while back. "We would really want to have your attention…" her mother continued knowing that she cannot get any reactions from her daughter these days.
Sakura finished chewing and looked at her parents with unimpressed eyes. This might be the first time since she is back home that her parents sit across the table and look at her. Mebuki usually sits next to her and often feels the need to fill Sakura's plate with food which Sakura eats without complaining. "Trust me, nothing can surprise me at this point," Sakura simply said and set her chopsticks down.
Her parents exchanged glances for a while before Mebuki spoke: "I am pregnant," she quietly said feeling fear rather than happiness. When Sakura returned Mabuki was already suspecting she could be pregnant but she got busy with her daughter and forgot about it. When she realized that her period was really late, she went to the doctor and to her surprise she was indeed pregnant. But she couldn't be happy. She was scared of letting Sakura know that and she has been hiding it but lately she feels kind of sick and it is better not worrying her daughter. Although, she is fully aware that Sakura is too caught up in her thoughts to notice anything else going on around her.
Mebuki's thoughts were right. Sakura didn't notice anything and she suspected nothing. Mabuki stopped sleeping with Sakura one week ago but Sakura didn't realize that she had been on her own in her room lately. She has no idea what occupied her mind to the point she became unaware of her surroundings and now she is confused of what day is today. Sakura nodded to herself and looked at her plate without giving an answer or even showing any trace of emotions. She just looked at the rice bowl and thought how to react. This is probably how Shisui felt with her whenever he had no idea how to comfort her or how to stop hurting her. She has been hurting her parents and although she was fully aware of that she kept going because that was the only way she knew. It is frustrating to understand the man she loves only after returning home. But she isn't a stranger to feelings like him she just doesn't know how to stop the pain of those around her.
The thought of her mother having a baby is not hurting her. To be honest she has no idea why her mother is trembling as she looks at her. Even she isn't cruel enough to make a scene out of it and taunt them with insults or even worse, victimize and act betrayed. "Congratulations," she replied portraying a smile. "Don't worry, I am happy for you. I will become an older sister." She doesn't feel hurt but she does feel a little bit replaced. New generations come and they won't know what times she lived. Even she sometimes wonders what times she lived. What did she even fight for? What was that war about?
"How can they not tell us why we fought?" Sakura asked finding herself alone with Naruto and Sai in the Hokage Tower. Although it feels like she returned months ago, in reality only three weeks have passed. In these weeks nothing much happened and her services were not requested. She waited to be contacted by Shizune to come and help at the hospital but nobody asked for her so it is no surprise that she fell in such a depressing state. Only three weeks ago she was fighting for her life so this sudden peace drove her mad.
Naruto looked up from his report and stared at Sakura with his blue, captivating eyes. "Because Wind Country invaded the River Country and made camps close to our country," Naruto answered as if he knew and understood everything.
"No," Sakura shook her head refusing that. "They never said that."
"They said that when we were informed about the war," Sai backed up Naruto.
"They didn't say that was the reason," Sakura corrected. "Never." They indeed said that the River Country made camps very close to Fire Country but they never confirmed that that was the real reason they are going to war. "They avoided saying what really happened." Even Shisui didn't know precisely what happened.
"I never thought there could be something else," Sai said thinking about how they were informed about the war.
Sakura is not surprised that Sai is oblivious and given how he lived his life, she cannot blame him for not doubting anything. "Do you still work for Danzo?" Sakura asked wanting to confirm whether or not she can trust Sai with such topics.
"Yes," he nodded not finding anything wrong about that.
Sakura nodded and decided to drop the subject. She cannot trust Sai because he isn't there as their friend. He is there to spy on Naruto and tell Danzo everything about their team and about Yondaime. Naruto might be a little clueless and this is why he trusted Sai wanted to be his friend but Sakura can see the boy's bad acting. He is far from a real friend to Naruto. And he is insulting her a lot.
"How have these days been for you?" she asked trying to change the subject.
"Normal," Sai replied emotionless.
Sakura had no doubts this war had no effect on Sai. "Naruto?"
Naruto was trying really hard to write his report but seeing Sakura had other plans, he sighed and left the pen down. "Well...I eat as if the next day I won't be getting any food and my mom scolds me about my manners...I also trained a lot with Sasuke…"
Hearing Sasuke's name Sakura felt a little uncomfortable. She almost forgot that incident with Sasuke but now it is coming back to her how he shamelessly came to her and made a mess out of her relationship with Shisui. Sakura sighed trying not to get angry over a person who is not there. Something good came out of that incident: Shisui showed that he cared for her.
"How is Ino?" Sakura asked remembering that somehow the emotionless Sai managed to make Ino fall for him.
"You would know if you weren't avoiding her," he replied with no ill intent but his words were harsh enough to annoy Sakura.
Sakura bit her lips together trying very hard to refrain herself from insulting Sai. "You know what? Let's write these reports and get the hell out of here." There is no point in getting angry over Sai. He hasn't changed one bit.
In the middle of the night, Sakura took out a pen and a notebook and set them on her desk, next to her cup of tea. She cannot talk with her parents about her worries and she doesn't trust psychologists so her only way to make order in her head is to write down everything that messed her up. She isn't a fan of this idea either but she cannot continue troubling her parents with her attitude.
Sakura adjusted the arm of the lamp so that the light is directed on her notebook and took the pen to start writing. Where should she start? If she starts with what happened in the last 6 months, she fears that she won't solve all her problems. The best moment to start this journey is by going much further back in time, to the days when she was still small.
The girl touched the paper with the tip of the pen and started writing whatever went through her mind.
XXXXXX
When I was small, I was very embarrassed of my big forehead and often hid it behind bangs. I had no voice of my own and children often bullied me saying I looked like a ghost. That frustrated me a lot but I was scared of talking back so I often cried on my own in the park. There is where I met Ino and she gave me strength. I admired her for her big mouth and confidence – I wished I were just like her. My only way to get stronger was to become a kunoichi. My parents didn't really want to let me walk on the same path they did but failed. They were not made for the shinobi world and that hurt their pride and affected their future. My father was an orphan and he was forced to walk on that path while my mother was pressured by her family. Because they couldn't get stronger they had a hard time making a living and of course that affected them greatly. They got the apartment after mom's parents died and with the saved money they opened the clothes shop right beneath our apartment. I was selfish begging my parents to enroll me at the Academy but I really wanted to change who I was. They gave in after I cried days and nights for a few weeks. Of course, the bullying didn't stop there but I was facing my tyrants with confidence. Now I really want to see how many of them survived war and came back home like I did.
XXXXXX
Sakura stopped writing and considered her words. It is a cruel thing to think about other people and yet it came to her so naturally. Deep inside her heart she really believes that they deserve to be unhappy but she fears that such thoughts will bring her misfortune. Sakura shook her head and continued writing. If she survived war she can survive anything from now on.
XXXXXX
In my first year at the Academy I met Sasuke...A cocky young prick who made me fall in love with his skills and pretty face. I should have been envious of him and of his popularity but instead I fell in love with him. Probably at that age nobody would say it was love but it was admiration without mistake. Years later it did become love but at the age of 8 it surely was not that. As for my decision of becoming shinobi, I had no regrets then. Years passed and I got to learn a lot about arts, weapons, history and geography. Those classes made me feel really smart and every day I told my parents about what I learned and although they didn't really care, they never complained. They were glad I was not regretting my decision. But regret did come, it was just much later.
When I turned 13, I received a letter informing me that I have to take seduction classes. It sounded so fancy and although I was a little embarrassed of the idea, I still participated because who doesn't want to know how to attract a man? More precisely, I wanted to know how to make Sasuke fall for me – it never crossed my mind what those lessons were about. But at the age of 13, those are introductory classes. The first class was about how a kunoichi differs from a man. Kunoichi get more often than men missions to seduce someone for information. It is common knowledge that a kunoichi's value comes exactly from how well she can lure her prey. Sure, fighting skills matter too, but if a woman knows how to make use of her charms, she might not even need to fight. That was pretty much what I learned and they didn't get into too much details. I remember being pretty disappointed – it was too basic and it didn't feel helpful at all. I doubted nothing and after those classes were done, I had no idea more classes will follow.
XXXXXX
Sakura took a break and reached her cup of tea. She has always been oblivious of everything. Four years later and she still fails to read between the lines. Sakura sat the cup down and stared at her hands with thoughtful eyes. Nine years later she is still the victim of bullying only that now she is fighting with adults. Nothing much has changed since she was small: she is still trying to affirm herself and she is still longing for an Uchiha to pay her attention. Her life is like an endless loop and her problems just keep on evolving in time. No matter how many years have passes, she still fights the same old problems – only that now they are at a completely different level. It would be wrong of her to say that she hasn't learned anything and she kept on repeating the same mistakes. Somehow she feels like the same problems just follow her only to prove her that she cannot escape her origins.
Sakura grabbed the pen and resumed her journey.
XXXXXX
Around that time I heard that the great medic Tsunade came back to Konoha to work at the hospital. That was a chance for me to try out something I always wanted: medical jutsus. At my begs, Kakashi-sensei wrote me a recommendation letter and together we spoke with Tsunade-shishou. She was not very sure she wanted a pupil but she decided to give me a chance. It did not take long for Tsunade-sama to become interested in my fast growth and she was willing to create the needed environment for me to keep on learning. At some point she recommended me to work as a full time assistant at the hospital and both Tsunade-sama and Shizune supported me for the role, however I was not selected because the daughter of an important clan wanted the same role. The girl was good and worked as a medic in different teams but she lacked one of the requirements: practical experience in the hospital. I volunteered to work there for half a year and I knew the procedures quite well but I had no clan supporting me. I was not selected. It crushed me and I never thought that something like that would matter when trying to get a job. Tsunade-sama didn't say anything then and pretended like the incident didn't happen, but I never forgot. Or better said, I became more and more aware that I chose a difficult path to walk on. A few more incidents like that made me understand the real difference between me and my teammates: they had clans backing them up. To survive in the shinobi world meant for me to accept low rank jobs and act nice with important people. Even if it was making me feel sick, I had no other choice but bit my tongue – I wanted the job at the hospital.
When I was 15, I was finally hired at the hospital and I decided to take fewer missions with my team. It happened shortly after I became chuunin. That was also the year they called me for seduction classes again. I was not ready for that.
That year I was forced to recognize that women are more vulnerable than men. When I enrolled at the Academy, nobody told me that I might have to sleep with a stranger just to survive or to gather information. Of course, I was not an idiot and I knew what sex was…I just didn't know I could be ordered to sleep with a stranger. For three months I took those classes and I have to admit they were difficult – especially because I was shy. I completed all of lessons and I learned how to interrogate a man and how to kill him without others noticing. Unfortunately, not everything is resumed to talking so I was also taught how to protect myself if I ever had to sleep with the enemy. Regrettably, seduction is not my strong point and I lack the cuteness and sexiness to attract a man so imagine my final score. I couldn't even fake an orgasm.
There are certain people who do not complete these classes. For example, Hinata never showed up at those classes. As a future heir of the Hyuuga clan, she could not step so low. By that time I was already used to the difference between us and I was not surprised. A clan heir is important while I am a nobody and so I am the perfect choice for such missions. Even Ino was spared of such lessons. The Uchiha kunoichi never get such missions either. I could understand that anyone would recognize an Uchiha or a Hyuuga so of course they wouldn't be selected. Anyway, there was no point in getting angry over something I couldn't change. Important clans receive special treatment and even at the hospital I was told to prioritize them. I know that Hinata and Ino might not even be aware of this difference so I never mentioned it.
Almost a year later Wind Country invaded River country and everything became a mess. A few months later we were gathered at the Hokage Tower and we were told that we will go to war. I want to believe that the news were so shocking that I didn't hear the reason but I know that was not the case. I was shocked and that was why I was carefully listening to Yondaime. We were told that the Wind Country has camps very close to our country but it was never stated that that was a reason to panic. Not long after that, I had a lesson with Kurenai-sensei about rape. Of course, I knew rape often occurred but I didn't think it would come from a colleague. Shortly after we arrived at the camp I heard women complain of being sexually harassed. That disappointed me because I never thought that colleagues could betray each other in such ways without remorse.
However, what disappointed me most was my background. Koharu who took advantage of me and vexed her anger on my back kind of reminded me of why I wanted to become shinobi. Seems I never escaped my curse. I used to blame everyone I knew for how horrible I was treated but I understood that my friends might not even know how they affect others. Shisui is living proof that he has no idea what others go through just so he can get the finest treatment. How can I be angry on them if they don't even know what they are doing?
War was much worse than anythin I fought until then. The food, the terrible conditions, the rats, the people I killed, the people who tried to kill me, all the members I amputated, all the girls I sent to Tsunade for abortions, the damn drink I had every two weeks to prevent pregnancies and… Shisui… all of them changed me. Being a shinobi means killing…I never killed before this war but I had to because I wanted to live. I was ready to give up my life every day and every day I fought to stay alive. I was not ready to die no matter how hard it became. Day and night I struggled to survive and that made me stronger. When Shisui said I had a weak heart, I felt insulted – he had no idea how weak I was before I got there. When he met me, I would say I was at my finest point in life – I was strong.
I wanted home and I cannot fit back in….
XXXXXX
Sakura left her sentence unfinished and covered her eyes with her palms. How can she fit back in? She changed so much and she got used to killing people. Probably most shinobi don't worry about it since this is their work but she feels troubled. Her parents never killed anyone. Sakura bit her lower lip annoyed by her thoughts. She is different from them and she has to stop comparing herself with them. "Do I maybe…" Her hands fell down, hanging at her sides with no power in them. "Do I discriminate myself without knowing it?" She never thought that she could become such a harsh critic of her own self. It feels like everything she does is wrong but if other people do it, then it is fine. To be honest she doesn't feel bad for those she killed and when she thinks back at war she only misses the noises and the strange lifestyle she got used to. There were no rules, no morals, everyone was fighting for themselves. "It wouldn't have made a difference even if I knew why war started." Damn it! It is frustrating to admit it but regardless of why they fought, she would've done the same things because at the end of the day what mattered most was for her to survive. She never cared when they lost a battle because she won another day to live. So it is safe to say that she is a winner only because she got to return back home.
Sakura looked at her notebook with a small smile on her face. Writing really did help her understand things better. She showed no remorse then and she moved forward ignoring those in pain so why would she care now if she killed? The answer is simple, she doesn't care at all what she did back then. She did what she had to do in order to survive. She is indeed on the right path and the shinobi life is not affecting her. What affects her is the sudden change of environment. The things she did with Shisui are nothing but good memories. In years, those memories will be the only thing she will clearly remember. That connection she had with him did her so much good. The pain she so much longed for was in reality the sweet pain of having a bond with someone. War severed her relationship with her friends so when she got somewhat close to Shisui she remembered the feeling of reassurance. Sure, it was an illusion because Shisui never really wanted a bond with her and he never tried to give her the feeling of safety, but he was there and that mattered most. When Ino never asked what troubled her, Shisui was there next to her. He had his reasons and he merely used her for pleasure, but he was still there.
Now that she knows this, she has to stop comparing herself with her parents. All she has to do is forgive them for having nothing to teach her and for not being part of a clan. This life suits her anyway. She could never see herself as being special and because of her background she became stronger. She exceeded her condition because she was ambitious and that was especially because others tried to crush her but unknowingly they made her stronger.
When Mebuki told her she was pregnant, she somehow felt reassured. She is the reason why many children weren't born but now it is fine because new ones will come and hopefully they won't go through what she did. She will work hard so her sibling will have a different future.
Sakura closed the notebook and turned the lights off. She can tell that tonight she will have a pleasant sleep.
Shisui relaxed his back over the futon and stared at the ceiling. All the administrative work is finally done and now he can concentrate on himself a little. There is nothing rushing him anymore and he has a few days off before he will departure to Sunagakure. And again he will miss his chance to meet up with Sakura. He often wonders if she is fine as he left her crying on her own. There was nothing he could do for her but his presence there would've been enough for both of them: Sakura would've had a shoulder to cry on and he could've made sure nothing happened to her. But he had meetings to attend to and so he had to leave then. Well, he also felt kind of uncomfortable because she was crying so it was kind of good he had to leave. He never tried to comfort anyone and honestly he didn't even care enough to notice when someone was sad so he was really troubled by her sudden break down.
Thinking back, his mother never taught him how to treat a woman. His parents taught him how to be a good shinobi and how to respect his elders and clan but not how to treat others or how to view the village. Shisui learned to love his village only after he started attending the Academy and he met people outside his clan. Until then, for him the clan was the most important thing and those outside the clan seemed small and frail. Ever since he was small he had this way of looking down on people. His parents are partially at fault because they only cared to teach him how to love the clan. For him everyone outside the clan seemed pitiful and he felt sorry for them. Thankfully, he started going to the Academy and there he learned that there are powerful shinobi who do not bear the Uchiha crest. He also met all types of kids with interesting personalities who made him appreciate the village more. Now he is aware that the clan would be very insignificant if it weren't for the village.
Shisui never considered he could become something other than a shinobi. Everyone around him was walking on that path so it kind of felt natural for him to do the same. But to be honest he has doubts his parents would've allowed him to do something else. He was born with the skills to become a shinobi so all he did was walk on the easy path in life. There were few times he struggled and the shinobi lifestyle fit him like a glove.
This world has few people he could consider rivals and his position as a powerful shinobi was never threatened. Nobody could possibly come from behind and put him in the shadows. Except maybe… If there is a time he is ashamed of, it would be when he felt that a friend, a non-Uchiha, became stronger than him. It took only one mistake for that friend to die and teach him just how weak he was at controlling his feelings. He became a prey to emotions he could not control and before he knew it, it was too late to prevent the incident. The friend's cold body was reflected in his mangejyo sharingan when he promised to never be controlled by feelings. Even so, he never forgot his love for the village or for the clan and everything he ever did was for both parties to be safe. He just tried not to let things get to him. Envy never surfaced again and he worked with himself to grow up into a composed, calculated man. Rush moves kill not only him but others too. Of course, he gave orders and people died because of them but they were calculated and he was aware of what could happen. All decisions were there to meet the village's expectations.
His parents are truthful to the clan and all they taught him was to bring pride to the Uchiha name. But they were not tyrants. They just wanted him to walk with his chin up. He was a special child who learned fast and surpassed his father at an early age so of course the expectations were high. His mother often sent him to Itachi's house to enjoy himself but he noticed she never encouraged meeting people outside the clan. So, when his friend died because of him, he couldn't turn to his parents for advice. He didn't have doubts they wouldn't help him but he was ashamed he killed a friend. Probably that was the first time he felt shame.
He was able to get past that shame but after he met Sakura he remembered once again that dreadful feeling.
Shisui was always proud how the curse of hatred never affected him. He was proud for no reason because he was clearly affected as everyone else; he was just too busy with work to realize this. That friend clearly died because he was affected by the curse and he will not pretend that incident never happened. His eyes are proof of how affected he is by that curse.
After remembering all of this it is safe to say that everything he ever did was for other people and not for himself. He accomplished a lot but the pride and satisfaction he was left with somehow don't feel enough anymore. Now all he has left is to make Sakura listen and consider him before doing something. That would be enough proof that she is his.