CHAPTER 28 - Honey and tears

She is wrong.

What she said is not true!

He is not just a mass murderer! He loves me! Fuck I know he loves me! It must mean something! It has to change something!

These thoughts were running through L's mind while he was pacing from KT's apartment. There was a moment, back there, when he felt sharp pain and the weight of the truth hidden behind those words, but he quickly managed to push them away. Letting these things into his mind would mean he failed and he was not giving up yet.

K is wrong. She doesn't see the whole picture. She doesn't know what he is like when he is with me. He is not just Kira… there is also Light inside him. I just need to get him on the surface.

But no matter how hard L was trying to persuade himself about this, he was failing. Because the tiny voice in the back of his head, was actually the voice of reason telling him, over and over again, that there isn't any chance.

He had these kinds of arguments with himself before. Many times. But back then he was looking at things a little more in perspective. Realizing all the risks of moves he was doing when trying to solve the case and silently hoping their relationship will change something. But now, looking at things rationally was nearly impossible. L knew he was acting on emotions but he couldn't help himself. And with K saying these things out loud it was like he was hit by lightning. Like things he knew and he was only arguing about with himself were coming alive and stood right in front of him.

L was hurting physically. This time he wouldn't have to lie about having anxiety, because waves of fear were going through his body. He knew deep inside that he might have to give up on Light sooner or later. But he didn't want to admit it to himself.

"No… oh God please no! I can't give up on him." he said out loud and leaned his back against the cold wall of the lift.

No… shit no! I won't do that! I need him! The baby needs him! I can't do this alone! Not again…

L felt tears building behind his eyes again but he clenched his fists and suppressed them.

He can't break now.

He has to prove K wrong.

He has to prove his reason wrong.

And the only way to do it was... facing Light.

Supernatural.

That was a variable Near never took in consideration, while thinking through his theories about the Kira case. But reading about killer notebooks and Gods of death attached to it, quickly changed his perception of the world. Because if Shinigami existed, the world might have been full of other mythical creatures they didn't see at first sight.

Near was thinking about vampires, werewolves and goblins. These creatures were never scaring him before.

They did now.

I need to think racional… He thought. But it was like his racional disappeared and he was facing a new reality. Reality where his sharp mind won't help him much. Reality where he was just a boy of five. Scared of monsters who probably couldn't be outsmarted.

But Kira is a human… he may be a monster inside and he might have a Shinigami on his side, but he is still a human. And a human can be handled by reason.

Near bit his lower lip and went back to reading. He read through the Death Note rules, getting his and his father's theories confirmed. And although it looked like they really got Kira in Higuchi, the murders were still going on. And it seemed like the pattern went back to the work of Kira and the second Kira.

Near frowned. The case files ended there.

But everything was pointing at Light Yagami and Misa Amane again. Light Yagami being the first Kira and Misa Amane the second one. The one who doesn't need a name to kill. Even if they didn't remember at some point, they definitely did now.

Near abruptly turned to look behind his back. He could swear he saw a movement there, with the corner of his eye. But the room was empty.

Monsters… he thought and went back to his original thoughts:

If Misa Amane didn't need a name to kill, father would probably be dead already. Which can mean two things - Amane doesn't have that power anymore or… Yagami is protecting L.

But Near already knew an answer to that one.

Light Yagami's feelings towards his father were obviously a variable none of them was counting with.

But what are father's feelings for Yagami? Near was asking himself.

He was truly not sure. He saw older boys and girls at the orphanage showing affection to each other, but he never in his life saw his father doing something like that. He was very abstemious even when showing affection towards him and Mello.

But on the other hand… if father's mind wasn't clouded by feelings towards Light Yagami, he would surely find evidence against him already.

Near frowned.

This is a hard situation indeed. If father is trying to save Yagami while trying to catch Kira, he is actually giving Kira time to win over him. And then there is a risk of Misa Amane…

Near closed the case files and left his room. It was time for him to seek Light Yagami again. To study him… and if possible, to figure out how the second Kira is killing and if she can still kill like that.

Light was crossing the corridor of HQs, tired after he spent the whole afternoon out in the city, buying christmas presents. He hated that. It wasn't Japanese custom. But he knew that Sayu would be disappointed and Misa might do a scene without getting a present. So he took an afternoon off and bought some stupidities just to save himself from a loud annoying scream Misa might let out if she didn't get anything.

He was looking forward to his bed but when he crossed the kitchen door at the HQs floor he spotted a familiar figure sitting on the kitchen unit. He stopped and looked into the kitchen again. L was really sitting there with a jar full of honey and he was eating it in high doses.

Light raised an eyebrow. L had his eyes fixed on a jar and didn't seem to apprehend his surroundings. Light expected Watari to be there too but as he looked around the kitchen, he found out L was alone.

For a moment, Light couldn't believe his luck. They were not alone for such a long time. He felt a sudden urge to just go, close the space between them and kiss the man. But he knew that wasn't a good idea. He needed to be careful, not to scare him away and finally get a few answers.

Light stepped into the kitchen saying:

"That's quite a large amount of sugar… even for you."

L quickly lifted his eyes from the jar. He didn't say a thing, but showed the spoon full of honey into his mouth again.

Of course L was there on purpose. He knew Light would have to cross the kitchen when he got back. He wanted to see him. Talk to him. But he had no idea how. He was not really sure what he wanted to say or Light to say. And he couldn't think of a better way to kill time then wrapping his nerves in something sweet.

For a moment they were just staring at each other and Light realized that L was distressed. No… he was majorly pissed. That annoyed and bored look in his eyes was hiding so much pain and anger that it scared Light to the core.

Oh... this is not good. He thought and made two steps closer. He half expected L leave the room right away. But that didn't happen, which gave Light courage to come even closer.

"What's going on L?" he asked with a soft voice, full of concern.

"Ryuzaki…" L corrected him automatically while biting on a spoon.

Light wanted to roll his eyes but he didn't want to piss him even more: "What's going on Ryuzaki?" he corrected himself.

"That's none of your concern... Kira." L spat at him.

Light opened and closed his mouth. L he never called Light directly Kira. Something about that made blood freeze in Light's veins. It was alright when he was asking him if he was Kira. It was alright when he was telling others he suspects him being Kira. But it was a damn different feeling when L called him Kira openly. It didn't feel right.

Shit that actually hurts. But he isn't wrong… So why the hell does it hurt?

Light didn't have much time to think about it. He needed to react. He just raised an eyebrow and stayed composed: "Really Ryuzaki? You said this morning that I am innocent in front of everyone and now you are accusing me again?"

L was very aware that he was stepping deep in the water now. Last time, they had this kind of conversation and he ended up unconscious on HQs floor. And what he was doing now was more of a provocation than confrontation. But he couldn't help himself. All the pain and anger was just flowing through his body and mind and he needed to get it out of the system. It could either end with Kira attacking him, or Light loving him. This time, it was black and white.

L gave Light a long piercing sight: "I think we don't have to lie to each other anymore, Kira. There is no point."

The amount of venom in L's voice was hard to miss. Whatever happened, it clearly pushed him over the edge. And it must have been something very bad, because L was not easy to piss off. Between the two of them, it was likely that Light would lose his temper, not L. It almost felt like they were fighting their battle of wits again…. But this time, emotions were involved.

"You are right… there's no point. I might as well tell you the truth…" Light started and watched L shift his piercing eyes to him.

"I love you." Light said. "You know that's the truth."

L was just staring at him with bored eyes while licking the honey from the spoon. He tried to stay indifferent but his heart started beating fast in his chest when hearing that. But he couldn't let him know:

"And you think that saying that you love me will erase the fact that you are Kira?"

Light frowned. This was typical L again. Cold as stone. It almost seemed like L was trying to provoke him to do something Kira would do. Like he wanted to hate him. Because last time they had this conversation Light lost it. He shivered at the memory.

No… I wouldn't do that again. Never. No matter what you say I won't hurt you. Light told himself.

Light shook his head from side to side: "L we've been through this a hundred times over. And I get it. A part of you wants me to be Kira, because you were never wrong, but can we pretend at least for a few minutes that you believe I am innocent?"

"What good would it do? You are Kira anyway…"

"Well maybe, if you believed me, you might be free to tell me what's bothering you." Light told L and made two steps closer to stand right in front of the detective.

L narrowed his eyes at him: "I don't trust you."

Light leaned his hands against the kitchen unit so they were close to L's knees. L was sitting normally for once, his legs down the unit and Light could touch his knees if he wanted. But instead he leaned a little closer into L's personal space and whispered:

"Can we pretend? At least for a moment? Please?"

"No." L said and his eyes were fixed on Light's.

"Five minutes." Light whispered again and leaned even closer. He wanted to lick the honey from the spoon but L showed it whole into his mouth and mumbled:

"No."

Light smirked and backed off a little, watching as L's eyes went to the jar between his legs again: "Love, if you wouldn't want to talk about it, you would leave the kitchen the moment I came in."

L shivered when Light called him love. He didn't realize until that moment but he was not actually trying to provoke Kira. He was provoking Light to show affection instead of calculativeness. Because that was what he needed to prove KT wrong. Light's love. No matter how wrong it was, L was starving for it.

The detective didn't say a thing but Light could see him shiver a little.

What did I do? What the hell had this effect? Light was thinking fast and then it hit him.

"Love…" he whispered and watched L shiver again.

So you like when I call you love? Damn I wish I knew sooner… Light leaned in and whispered to L's ear: "Please love, just 5 minutes."

L let out something that probably should have been a sigh but Light could have sworn it was actually a moan. He felt the hair behind his neck standing as a wave of pleasure went through him.

"I guess… I guess 5 minutes wont kill me." L said with a slightly broken voice. That word from Light's sinful mouth was doing crazy things to him. It was literally taking all his thoughts away from his brain until only the two of them left. Present at that moment. And Kira was no more.

Light smiled and backed off to see L's face, but his hand went to L's hair, to slowly put a few strands of hair behind his ear.

"So what happened that you are hiding here, eating honey?"

L's mood quickly shifted back and his eyes turned into daggers:

"I figured that my sister… my beloved, highly intelligent twin sister is fucking the biggest idiot I've ever met."

"Oh…" Light let out and wanted to laugh. He was expecting something else. He was not sure what, but definitely not this. But the fact that L was so pissed at KT meant plus points for him. He just needed to act right and get L on his side.

L frowned at him: "Oh? What do you mean oh? You're not surprised?"

Light opened his mouth to say something, but L cut him off:

"Oh… of course. You knew. Great. That's just great." he said and put another spoon of honey into his mouth to calm his nerves.

Light only shrugged: "They were dancing around each other from the beginning, the tension was kinda hard to miss."

L shook his head nervously and mumbled: "I didn't notice anything."

Light smiled and placed his hands on L's knees: "L… you have other things of greater importance in your mind. You are our lead detective. Double father… you can't have your eyes everywhere."

L narrowed a little and showed a spoon into a honey jar again: "See… that's what's pissing me off about it. I should have. I always had my eyes everywhere and now…" he didn't finish because Light brought his hand under L's chin and it forced him to look up.

"L… what's really going on?" Light asked with a worried sight.

"Ehm… I just think my sister can do better." he said as if he didnt know what Light was really asking about. But he did know what Light was asking about. Not that he could tell him they were having a baby.

Light shook his head: "That's not what I meant… you are out most of the time, you are changing your diet, not to mention you are taking some pills. I am not blind. If you are ill I want to know."

L only shrugged and used his most cold and collected voice to answer:

"You are reading much into things, Light. I am away because I am still tired after my previous illness. I am taking pills because I don't want it to get back and I changed my diet for the same reason. There is no point overthinking this."

Light shook his head again and his sight softened again. He started caressing L's cheek while his other hand was going lovingly through L's hair. And even when L was trying to stay indifferent, he was leaning into the touch a little, so he actually wanted Light to touch him.

"I just want to make sure you are okay, my love. I can't stand the thought of you being ill, sick or hurt."

L was melting at those words. He knew Light meant it and it was calming him down. As well as the feeling of his hands on him. It was extremely hard not to wrap his arms around the younger man:

"I am alright Light. As I said. Nothing is going on." L said and he was again focused on his honey jar.

Light slowly closed his eyes and let out a sigh. He felt truly desperate about the situation. He knew L was lying to him. He knew there was practically no trust between them. And it will take a lot of time to change that. But Light also realized there was a change in L. Because they were alone now, L was talking to him and didn't push him away. Which encouraged Light enough to make another step:

"L… will you… will you let me see you again?"

"You see me every day Light…" L answered, not taking his eyes off a honey jar.

Light took one of L's hands into his own and kissed his knuckles: "You know what I mean… give me a chance, please."

The answer to that shot out of L's mouth so fast that none of them really saw it coming:

"Quit being Kira and I am all yours."

Their eyes met.

L knew he shouldn't have said that. It was practically a love declaration and a forgiveness for the rape in one simple sentence. And he knew Light will understand it like that. He just made it easy for him.

Light was shocked by that answer. It was so unexpected and so truthful that it felt like L just kicked him in the stomach. It hurt physically. Because again he realized that all that is standing between the two of them… is Kira. But instead of long thinking Light let out a chuckle:

"Well in that case, you are all mine, because I am not Kira."

L slowly closed his eyes, let out a long sigh and put the honey jar away:

"Light please… I am tired of this." L said and he meant it. His emotions were taking over him and he was tired of fighting it. He couldn't constantly fight Kira while loving Light. It was just impossible.

"Then quit it…" Light told him and took both of his sticky honey hands into his own, forcing L to look at him: "Give me a chance to prove myself. I want to earn your trust. I want to take care of you… of your sons. I love you L. Just please, please let me near you again."

L didn't say a thing to that, he only closed his eyes, because he couldn't bear to look into those sincere but lying amber eyes. He felt terrible. It was like he was falling into a deep dark hole without a bottom. He wanted to let him in. He wanted Light to be innocent.

"Please my love… give me… just a few minutes a day." Light insisted and started placing small kisses to L's palms. He also felt that L started shivering and it made him look into L's face again. There were tears, running down from those closed eyes.

That sight broke Light's heart. He never saw L like this before. He hardly ever saw him emotional but this was simply too much. He never realized before just how much L was hurting. But that also meant:

He loves me… shit he actually...

"L… L honey, please don't cry. Tell me what you want me to do, I'll do anything, just dont cry."

Stop being Kira… L was screaming inside his mind. But he already said that. There was no point saying it again. Light didnt listen anyway. So he needed to try another way:

"Okay…" L whispered.

"Okay? Okay what?" Light was lost for a moment, because he completely forgot about his previous request when he saw L crying.

"I will give you a chance." L said with a shaky voice and teary eyes: "Every night, we can meet here for a few minutes."

Light smiled and pressed his forehead to L's.

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." He was saying all over again, while he moved to kiss away the tears that were still running down L's eyes.

"I will earn your trust. I promise. I promise." Light whispered against L's skin and felt tears building behind his own eyes. He kissed away all the saltiness on L's cheeks and then backed away a little to look at L again. He looked different now. Younger, full of emotions and somehow… fragile. Light couldn't help himself and he threw his arms around the detective and pulled him into a hug. L didn't really hug him back. But he didn't move away either. He just buried his face into Light's houlder and silently cried, while he was breathing in his lover's scent. Light's heart was hammering in his chest. He felt so overwhelmed by what happened and he was not really sure how he felt about it. He felt joy and he also felt sadness. But he tried to push all those feelings away and just be in a moment, just be there for L.

They stayed like that for some time. L crying on his shoulder while Light caressing his back and placing small kisses on his neck. They were in their own world. And they didn't notice a small head of white hair that looked into the kitchen, while they were in each other's embrace.