Author's note: So this prompt took on a life of its own and was getting far too long so I've decided to split it into two. I also just wanted to thank everyone again for all the reviews, love hearing what you think. Hope you enjoy this one.
Prompt: Spiral (part 1)
Jay stretched his arms above his head before glancing to the side and seeing the mess of blonde hair spread across the pillow. From the rise and fall of her body he knew Hailey was still asleep, as was normally the case. Based on his experience so far, which was rather extensive, he would say he was the first one awake about ninety percent of the time. Not that he minded; it was always nice waking up with her next to him, especially when they didn't have anywhere to be.
With a small smile on his face, Jay rolled onto his side and shuffled closer until his body was pressed up against hers and he had an arm wrapped around her waist. He had no intension of waking her up, he just wanted to be closer to her, but after he placed a kiss to her bare shoulder, he realised he'd failed.
Hailey let out a yawn and rolled onto her back, blinking her eyes open. "Hey."
"Hey," he said, "sorry if I woke you."
She waved off his apology. "What time is it?"
"Uh." He leaned over her, gaining a laugh when he rested most of his weight on her, and picked up her watch from the bedside table. "Eleven. When was the last time we slept in until eleven?"
"When was the last time we stayed up until five?" Hailey asked as he set her watch down and propped himself up with his arm, unable to hide the grin on his face, he remembered that particular time very well.
"I think that would have been about two weeks ago after your drinks with Vanessa. You know, when you turned up at mine at one am and wanted to show me a good time."
Hailey scrunched up her face in return, shaking her head slightly. "Never going to let me live that down are you?"
"Nope," he said as he leant down and kissed her. "But it was certainly worth only getting an hour's sleep and overdosing on coffee for the day."
She hummed her agreement, biting her bottom lip, and Jay knew she was remembering exactly what they had done too. He had been rather drunk after his evening out with Will and it turned out that when they were both inebriated, they really didn't have any inhibitions. So they had experimented with some new things and before they knew it four hours had flown by and they were both exhausted.
"Could show you a good time now," Jay whispered as he leaned back in to kiss her. "You know, since we don't have anywhere to be."
Hailey didn't say a word as she trailed her hands up his body before wrapping them around him and pulling him closer until she could get her lips on his again.
"Please tell me this is a social call," Maggie said when Jay walked into the ED that evening.
"Yeah," he said as his eyes scanned the crowd, but he failed to spot who he was after, "you seen Will?"
"Uh, there." She pointed to the treatment room which Will was exiting.
Jay gave her a nod in thanks and headed over to his brother who was busy talking to a nurse. He caught Will's eye after a few seconds but had to wait almost a full minute until the conversation was over.
"Sorry, I'm gonna need like ten more."
"Yeah, no worries. Go do your thing," Jay said, patting his brother's back as he walked past.
Will seemed pretty caught up in whatever he was up to so Jay leant back against the wall and pulled out his phone to check his messages. There was nothing new so he scanned the news headlines until he spotted Maggie standing in front of him. She told him he was in the way and that he should wait in the staff room unless he was planning to help out with the gunshot wound which would be arriving in a minute.
Jay gracefully declined her offer and followed her suggestion, doing his best not to get in the way as he walked over to the staff room. A few of the nurses were leaving as he arrived but they knew him so they held the door open instead of questioning why he was there. Jay thanked them before heading inside and grabbing a seat. Since the room was now empty, he went back to reading the news until he heard the door open.
"Almost done," Will said as he walked in and headed over to the lockers. "Just waiting for one call back and then we can get out of here."
"Sounds good," Jay said, letting out a yawn before putting the phone back in his pocket.
"Your better half tiring you out?" Will teased as he started changing out of his scrubs.
"Funny."
"Always am. So what is she up to tonight? And how come you didn't bring her with you?"
"Uh, she and Vanessa are either seeing a film, going out for drinks, getting dinner, or some combination of them. They were still deciding when I left," Jay explained, noticing the grin on Will's face. "And I don't think I need you two talking again given last time."
"What happened last time?" Will asked innocently.
"Let me tell you about the time Jay did this stupid thing, or when he embarrassed himself doing this other thing, or-"
"Hey, I'm just letting your girlfriend know what she's gotten herself into," Will said as he closed the locker and pulled his coat on. "It's the brotherly thing to do."
"Yeah well she knows me well enough already," Jay said as he stood up, gaining a nod from Will as he moved over to the door. "And I'll remember this the next time you start dating someone."
Will laughed, muttering something like 'we'll see' as he opened the staff room door and headed out into the hall. Jay was about to remind him of the brotherly code, and that some things from their past did not need to be shared with others, but then he was sure he saw a familiar face amongst those in the ED. His line of sight was blocked by Natalie and some others but then suddenly Jay got a clear view.
"Jay?"
Without saying a word Jay crossed the floor until he came to a halt in front of a confused Natalie. He barely even looked at her before he dropped to his knee and got a better look at the tear stained face. This couldn't be good.
"Hey, Devin. You okay, buddy?"
"You know each other?" Natalie asked but Jay kept his focus on Devin, trying to work out if he was hurt.
He couldn't see any injuries, but it was hard to get a clear look at him since Devin kept his head bent forwards and his focus on the floor. Jay called Devin's name again, asking him what had happened, while ignoring Natalie and Will. After a few seconds Devin finally looked up and locked eyes with him, but it was only for a moment before he launched forward and punched Jay's chest.
"This is your fault! This is all your fault!" he screamed as he struck Jay again and again.
It took Jay a second to register what was happening, but his instincts kicked in shortly after and he put his hands up to deflect the blows but not before Devin managed to land one against his face.
"Woah, hey, calm down," Will called out as he grabbed hold of Devin with Natalie.
They both pulled him away from Jay who was still trying to work out what the hell was happening. Devin struggled against their grip, still yelling that it was Jay's fault before bursting into tears and collapsing onto the floor. Jay went to move towards him but Will blocked his path and pushed him away.
Jay noticed other people staring at the scene as Will dragged him back to the staff room but he could barely take his eyes off Devin who was now wrapped in Natalie's arms.
"What the hell was all that about?" Will asked once they were in the room. "Jay?"
"I don't know. I worked a case involving him, his sister, and his mom like three weeks ago. His mom is, was, a junkie and I told him we'd get him and his sister a new home but then Voight cut a deal with the mom," he said before noticing the weird taste in his mouth and the odd sensation from his lip.
He put a hand up to check, noticing the blood when he pulled it away.
"Guess the kid is stronger than he looks," Will said, indicating to Jay's split lip. "Just stay here and I'll go see what happened."
Jay nodded his agreement before grabbing a tissue and placing it to his lip whilst trying to work out what Devin's reaction meant. He wasn't stupid, he could take an educated guess at the situation, he just didn't know how bad it was. Given that Devin was here in the ED and didn't appear hurt, it meant one of two things: either his mom was here, or his sister was. Or maybe it was both.
Given how angry Devin was, he was putting money on the mom having OD'd again. But if that had happened then Devin and Ellie would get placed in foster care, though maybe that was the issue. Hailey had been right before; there was no guarantee they would stay together so maybe that was what had upset Devin so much, maybe they were getting split up. If that was the case, he could fix it, he could pull some strings and figure out a way to keep them together just like he had told them the day he met them.
For a few minutes Jay ran through his mental list of contacts, working out who would be best placed to help in this situation, while tending to his split lip. He went through two tissues before he pulled the third back to see no new blood. On instinct, he scrunched it up and chucked the tissue into the bin as he heard the door to the room open. He expected Will to fill him in straight away, but when he caught sight of his brother, he was just staring at him. It was then that Jay realised whatever had happened, it was worse than he had imagined.
"What's going on?"
"Jay, I'm really sorry," Will said as he started moving towards him.
"Why?" he asked as he swallowed away the lump that had suddenly formed in this throat. "What happened?"
Will indicated for him to sit but Jay couldn't, so Will moved closer until he was stood directly in front of him.
"Devin's sister was brought in half an hour ago, she got hold of her mom's drugs."
Jay shook his head and bit his lip before letting out a curse, partly from the pain and partly from the realisation that Ellie was in hospital because he hadn't gotten them out. He had promised them that they would be safe, and now this had happened. No matter how he spun this, it was on him. Him and Voight.
"I shouldn't have let Voight do it. I knew she wouldn't change." Jay huffed out a breath in frustration before focusing on his brother. "Is Ellie gonna be okay? Can I-"
But he stopped as he saw the look on Will's face. It was the one he had seen enough times to know what it meant. It was the one his brain had tried to ignore ever since Will had walked back into the room.
"No," he said, his voice barely audible, as the reality started to sink in. "No, she can't…she can't be."
"I'm sorry, Jay," Will said as he pulled him into a hug. "They tried everything they could."
Numb. That was all Jay felt as he twirled the beer bottle sat between his legs. At first he had been upset, then angry, but now there was nothing.
"Jay." With some effort he turned to look at his brother who was sat on the couch next to him. "Maybe we should talk about it?"
He shook his head. "Just want to forget about it tonight."
Their original plan of a night out had already been discarded with Will insisting they come back to Jay's. Not that Jay had been in any state to make a decision at that point. The only thing he had wanted to do was see Devin, to let him know that he was sorry and that he wasn't alone, but Will hadn't let him.
Instead Will had led him to his truck and told him to drive home, so he had. Then Will had led him inside and made him some food that he'd barely touched before putting on the TV so there was some background noise. He had tried to make conversation on multiple occasions, but Jay had shut it down with a couple of words each time before going back to staring at the TV. Not that he had any idea what was on. The pictures were all a blur to him and he wasn't paying attention to what was being said, instead his mind was content with replaying his time spent with Ellie and Devin.
"Should I call Hailey?"
Jay shook his head again; there was no point. "She's watching a movie with Vanessa; I'll tell her tomorrow, no reason to ruin her evening too."
It had been a while since she and Vanessa had spent some quality time together and he didn't want to spoil that. Besides, what difference was waiting until tomorrow going to make? Nothing was going to change in that time. Ellie would still be dead, Devin would still have lost his sister, and Jay would still have failed them.
"Jay." There was a knowing look in Will's eyes, the one that let Jay know he got it but he didn't think it was the right call. "Look, I know I don't know Hailey as well as you do, but I'm certain she would want to be here."
He was right, but Jay just couldn't do it. He needed more time to process and for that he needed to be alone. "Yeah. If I send her a message, will you go home and get some sleep."
"I'm good, I'll wait until she gets here."
"You've yawned like once every minute for the last ten minutes, and I know you just pulled a double so go and get some sleep. I'll be fine."
Will held his gaze for a few moments before letting out another yawn, causing Jay to raise an eyebrow.
"Fine, I'll call a cab while you message Hailey. Deal?"
Jay nodded his agreement and pulled out his phone as Will did the same. He typed out a quick message asking how her night was and if she could come over once her movie finished. It wasn't like he could tell her what had happened over text. Yet for some reason once he'd finished, he found his thumb hovering over the send button. And when Will looked his way, he locked the screen and put his phone away without sending it.
"Cab's on its way, you send the message?"
"Yeah."
Will didn't push for anything more, instead he got up and collected his things. Jay followed him to the hall, watching as his brother pulled on his shoes and then his jacket. Maybe he should have felt guilty for lying to Will, but he didn't. As much as his brother wanted to help, he couldn't, and Jay didn't know how to explain it to him, so it was easier his way.
There weren't many more words exchanged. Will told him to call if he needed anything no matter what the time and Jay said he would. It was another lie, but it was the only way to get Will to leave. So after a final reassurance from Jay that he would be fine, Will reluctantly left to go home.
After closing the door, Jay took a moment to try and clear his mind, but all he was left with was the same numb feeling that had tormented him for most of the evening. He could only hope that sleeping on it would help and allow him to do something more useful. So after downing what was left of his beer, he headed straight for bed.
Jay knew it would be hard to get to sleep while his mind was still working through it, so he did his best to distract himself. At first he browsed the internet on his phone, looking at random and inane stories to keep his mind occupied. It helped a bit, but then there was one that triggered a memory of his time with Ellie which caused him to chuck his phone down to the floor.
He tried thinking about Hailey at that point, of how great everything was between them, better than Jay had ever thought it could be. Unfortunately he couldn't hold onto the thoughts for long before he got a flash of Devin screaming at him. He buried his head into the pillow, trying to block out the memories, and started counting. It was a trick he had been taught a long time ago; focus on the next number and nothing else.
By the time he hit two hundred, he let out a yawn. At four hundred he felt himself drifting, and before he hit five hundred, he was gone.
It wasn't the peaceful slumber, or nothingness, that Jay had hoped for. Instead he was haunted by the nightmares that had plagued his sleep so many times before, except now a new one had been added. One in which no matter what Jay tried to do, Ellie and Devin were always out of reach of him, and by the time he got to them, they were dead.
After the third time of seeing their bodies, Jay startled awake. The sheets were twisted around him and he had something of a death grip on his pillow as reality set back in. He couldn't say it was unexpected, but it still took a few moments before he released his hold on the pillow and untangled himself from the sheets which were practically sticking to him.
He took a few deep breaths as he felt the cool air wash over his skin. This wasn't a new experience, he had been through it countless times before and would likely go through it countless times in the future. All he had to do was follow the routine and pray he could get through the rest of the night without it happening again.
"Morning, sunshine," Platt called out as Jay marched towards the stairs. "Cutting it a little close aren't we?"
Jay ignored her as he opened the gate and hurried up towards the bullpen. He hadn't received a phone call yet so either no one had noticed that he was late or he was about to be berated in front of the whole team. Jay was praying for the former because he really had no idea how he would react if Voight had a go at him right now.
"Guess you had a good night with Will," Vanessa said once he reached the top of the stairs.
She was walking towards him, mug in hand, but Jay was too busy taking in the rest of the room.
"Where is everyone?"
"Adam is on a breakfast run. Kev and Kim went to meet a CI, and Voight called Hailey early this morning and told her to meet him somewhere, so who knows," Vanessa explained as she took a seat at her desk. "Coffee's fresh if you want some."
Jay muttered a thanks and headed over to his desk. Part of him had hoped for a new case to get stuck into but having no one around was a good consolation prize. Vanessa clearly thought his current state was due to drinking, but he wasn't so sure everyone else would buy it, which meant he needed to find a way to cover it up better until he was ready to tell them. He knew he had to do it, they all deserved to know, he just needed to find the right time and words. Until then, he would focus on his paperwork unless a new case required his attention.
Jay wasn't sure how long he had been working, hidden away at his desk, before he heard the catcalls from Adam and Kev echo around the room
"Yeah, yeah," Hailey said, causing Jay to snap his eyes up to watch her as she walked through the bullpen with Voight. She was wearing a very revealing dress which was the reason for the comments from the others, and had Jay slightly confused.
"Two minutes," Voight told her before giving Jay a nod in greeting and then disappearing into his office.
"Hey," she said, causing Jay to turn back to find her smiling at him. "Oh you look like you had a good night. What happened to just having a couple of drinks with Will?"
"Uh, yeah." Part of him wanted to tell her the truth, to ask her to come somewhere private with him now, but there was something more pressing on his mind. "What's going on?"
"Voight's CI has an in with these new dealers. They took some convincing, but we've got a buy setup for this afternoon. Should be a good haul if we catch them red handed," she explained as she moved over to the whiteboard and started pulling it out towards the centre. "We're going to brief everyone in a minute."
Jay nodded before getting up to help her. By the time they had the board out and Hailey had stuck up the pictures of their targets, Voight was back out. He called everyone over so he and Hailey could brief them on what they had been up to and what the plan was for the afternoon takedown.
It was exactly what Jay had wanted this morning, a decent case to focus on, but for some reason it wasn't helping as much as he thought it would. He was doing his best to listen to what Hailey and Voight were saying, but the memories of last night were gnawing at him. One minute he would see the faces of the men they were targeting this afternoon, and then he'd get a flash of Devin or Ellie. It didn't seem like anyone else had noticed but he knew he needed to find a way to deal with it.
"Hey," Hailey said as she touched his arm once the briefing was done and everyone was heading off to get ready. Jay looked at her, waiting for her to continue, but instead she just indicated for him to follow her.
Jay did so without speaking, unsure of what she wanted, but knowing that it was intended to be a private conversation. Once they were in the locker room, and Hailey was satisfied that they were alone, she moved over to him and looked him over. Jay was about to ask her what was going on, but she spoke first.
"You okay? No offence, but you're not looking so great."
"Uh yeah," he muttered, trying to work out the best way to tell her. "Didn't get much sleep."
"Do I even want to know what you and Will got up to?" she asked, a small smile gracing her face as she came to the same conclusion Rojas had earlier. But when Jay failed to return it, the smile quickly faded. "Hey, what's going on?"
He rubbed a hand over his face, he just had to say it. Yet before he got a chance, the door to the locker room opened and Adam called out that they were rolling out in one minute. Hailey told Adam she'd be right there, but Jay noticed that she didn't once break her eyes away from his. Clearly she knew something was up given the way she was studying him but she wasn't going to say anything in front of Adam. He too seemed to realise something was going on as he retreated from the room without saying another word.
"Jay-"
"You coming over later?" She was about to go into a dangerous situation, this would just distract her and put her at risk.
"Yeah, but-"
"It's okay," he told her, indicating to the door. "We need to go; they're waiting for us."
Hailey didn't seem sure, but Jay was. Telling her now was nothing short of reckless, and he could survive carrying it alone for a few more hours. So even when she tried to talk to him on the way out, he brushed off her concern and asked some more questions about the case. He would tell her later at home when neither of them had anywhere else to be.
Thankfully since Hailey was the one undercover, she wasn't in the van with him. As much as he preferred her company to that of anyone else in the unit, for now this was best for him. She was doing her thing and he got to sit quietly doing his while listening to Kevin and Adam share random stories in the down time. Even though he didn't want to talk, Jay was happy for the distraction from his friends. It was certainly better than the silence which allowed his mind to wander.
Unfortunately the buy didn't go to plan since Hailey's new friend turned up an hour late and then told them all he was postponing it for some made up reason. Hailey tried to get it back on track, but the guy wasn't budging so eventually Voight called it. It was frustrating to waste the time but nothing terrible had happened so Jay counted it as a win.
The team made their way back to the station and reconvened by the board Hailey had laid out earlier. Voight had them run down everything to see what had gone wrong, but no one could work it out. In the end he told them all to head off except Hailey, who he wanted to accompany him to see his CI again so they could try and get things back on track. Jay was going to offer to stick around, but Hailey told him to get out while he could and she'd come over once she was done. Since he had no idea how long Voight needed her for, and he wasn't keen on sticking around at the station in case someone tried to talk to him, he followed Hailey's plan and headed back to his place, all the while doing his best not to think about Ellie.
It was the sort of thing he had developed coping mechanisms for a long time ago. So to begin with he started cleaning his apartment, but after an hour it wasn't enough of a distraction. Hailey hadn't called or messaged him yet, so he chucked on his running gear and set out on one of his local routes. Exercise normally helped him clear his head because he tended to focus on his form and how to improve. And if the things he wanted to avoid started to distract him, he just pushed himself harder until all he could think about was the pain from his muscles or his lungs.
Jay knew it was his best bet until he could talk to Hailey properly, but as he continued his run, he found it increasingly hard to keep the thoughts at bay. The first started to break through when he spotted a group of kids playing in the park because one of them looked eerily similar to Ellie. He tried to ignore it, but in the end he resorted to upping his pace to a level that he knew he would struggle to sustain.
It helped for some time but then he ran past a shop which had posters for the book Ellie had made him read, and shortly after he saw an advert for cookies, and then he couldn't do it anymore. His paced dropped instantly though he managed to keep himself walking towards his apartment. He refused to lose it out here, but he knew he didn't have long. A few minutes later, he managed to get back inside and found himself sliding down the door to the floor as soon as he had closed it. He dropped his head into his hands and choked out a sob before feeling the tears start to fall.
Jay wasn't sure how long it was until he managed to pick himself off the floor, but he was on some sort of autopilot after that. He headed to the kitchen, ignoring the glass of water he had prepared for after his run, and grabbed a beer from the fridge. It had helped a little last night so maybe it would help again tonight.
Once he had finished it, which didn't take long because he was thirsty from the run, he headed to the shower. He certainly felt like a mess, but he could at least clean himself up a bit before Hailey came over. He hoped she was almost done with what Voight needed. It was going to be a shit night for both of them and he knew the longer she had to process it before work tomorrow, the better.
With the plan in mind, Jay felt a little better so he finished his shower and got changed into some clean sweats before grabbing another beer. He had the plan but the words were still a little hard to come by and he hoped this would help. After a while he checked his phone again but still nothing from Hailey. He knew there was no point calling because it would be off if she was in the middle of something, so he took a seat in front of the TV.
As with the night before, it was mostly just background noise. Nothing was interesting enough to hold his attention for long. He checked his phone every now and again, but there was still nothing from Hailey so he browsed the news and then decided to check his emails before suddenly regretting it. Jay already knew what it was before he read the words, but he forced himself to finish the whole thing before letting his phone slide down onto the couch.
There were details that he would have to read again and some general sentiments, but there was only one part that mattered to Jay. Mike Ratchet, one of the guys he had trained with, one of the guys who had helped save him when he had been pinned down with his unit, had been killed in action.
The saying when it rains it pours had never seemed so fitting to Jay as he downed the rest of his beer. He had no idea what he was supposed to do now, but before he had much of a chance to think about it, he heard his phone go. If something else terrible had happened, he wasn't sure he could take it, but he made himself pick up the phone anyway.
When he saw Hailey's name he felt a pang of hope, but it vanished as soon as he read the message.
Hey, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna be able to make it tonight. Something's come up and I've got to deal with it, not sure how long it will take so I'll just crash at mine. I'll explain tomorrow and I'll get the coffees x
At least she wasn't hurt, but it still felt like another blow. Sure he could call or message her but she wouldn't have done this unless it was something important so he just dropped his phone back down onto the couch and stood up. Jay wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, but some sort of autopilot seemed to kick in as he walked to the kitchen and opened the cupboard. He pulled out the bottle of whiskey and looked to the glasses before deciding not to bother with one. Instead he pulled the lid off and took a long sip as he walked back into the living room before dropping down onto the couch and letting the memories consume him.