DECEMBER 15 SATURDAY
The Mistletoez were performing at the Yule Ball tonight. In one hour. Sirius appeared to have regained control over his moonswings just in time.
"I am so glad you have regained control over your moonswings!" said James.
"So am I!" Sirius replied. "Must have been all that gluten!"
The Mistletoez finished setting up their instruments and equipment on stage and went into the backroom.
"You said you had stage outfits," said Fletcher.
"Did we?" James asked.
"Damn I forgot about that entirely," said Sirius. "Because of my moonswings."
"I've been very busy." Mainly with Pong.
"I have a solution," said Remus.
"We're not wearing bubblegum."
"Now wait a sec," said Sirius, imagining the band dressed head-to-toe in bubblegum and jumping in a pool of gold sequins. "I like it! You have done it, Moo! You have converted me!"
"Why did you make the sound of a cow just now?" Fletcher wondered.
"Awesome," said Remus. "Why are you taking your clothes off?"
Sirius pulled off his top.
"Who's setting up a tub of sequins, then?"
Remus whipped out a catchemal and threw it on the floor. An entire wardrobe popped out of it. White smoke seeped out of the gaps.
"I hope you remembered to fill that with clothes," said James. "Or does that wardrobe in fact belong to Gary Glitter?"
"Moo sometimes you surprise me with your smarts," said Sirius.
"I surprise you?" said Remus.
"It is true, Moo, I am not just saying that."
"I don't really want to wear Gary Glitter's clothes," said Fletcher. "I mean they won't be our size anyway."
"That isn't Gary Glitter's wardrobe," said Remus.
"Moo sometimes you disappoint me," said Sirius.
"Gary Glitter sucks!"
"His songs do, not his outfits!"
"What's the wardrobe for?" Fletcher asked.
"Well, remember that thing that had gotten into your greenhouse car?" Remus asked. "That I took off your hands?"
"No."
"Well, ever heard of the Glam Rock?"
"Of course I have heard of the glam rock! The Sweet. Slade. David Bowie. Mott the Hoople. Mud. T Rex. That guy with the hair and hat that looks like the fourth doctor."
"Noddy Holder," said Sirius.
"You can't make that reference because there is no fourth doctor yet," said James.
"Well bugger," said Fletcher. "It's Rora, you know. She watches TV in crystal balls. She said one time, that guy with the hair and hat, he looks like the fourth doctor."
Beau Marceau put up his hand because he wanted to mime something.
First he pointed at the wardrobe. Then he made his arms into an x.
"X," the chaps guessed and it was correct.
Beau spread out his arms and began to run around, pretending to be an aeroplane.
"X fart!"
"X flying!"
"X aeroplane!"
"Yes!" said James. "X-aeroplane! Why have you got the fourth doctor in a wardrobe?"
"Is it to prevent the future series?" Sirius asked.
"Good thinking but no," said Remus. "Just go in there, and the Glam Rock shall give you a glammy make-over!"
"Awesome!" said James. "I'll go first!"
XXX
James felt his way past several women's frocks and their matching goose hats. Odd.
When the frocks ended, a wonderful winter landscape revealed itself. A winter landscape of striking beauty.
Oh no, James thought, dearly hoping he hadn't landed in Narnia.
"The Glam Rock!" he told himself as he walked along. "So I'm looking for a rock, and it's probably glammy looking. Shouldn't be too hard to miss."
James looked at all the rocks he passed, but none of them looked very glammy.
"I'm just not seeing it anywhere!" he said when he had been walking close to a minute. "Oh course there is no such thing as a glam rock! This is a waste of time, I better go back."
But first he had to remember, which way he had come.
"Now which way is it?" he asked himself, flinging his hand in one direction and then another. "Was it that way? Or was it that way? Or was it in fact that way?"
He flung his hand back so it touched something furry. A fur coat, perhaps! James turned to face the fur coat.
It wasn't a fur coat.
A giant pink spider sat on a large web. James shrieked and ran behind a tree.
He watched the spider. It probably wasn't as scary as it looked. He hoped that wasn't the case, because he had the most nagging feeling that this spider stood between him and the glam rock.
He whipped out his wand and began to approach it. If it showed any signs of aggression he was going to give it a healthy does of waterspout.
The spider whipped out drums and began to beat them.
"Are you ready, Steve?"
"Um it's James.
"Andy?"
"James."
"Mick?"
"IT'S JAMES!"
"Alright, fellas! LET'S GOOOOOOOOO!"
The spider whipped out a guitar with another pair of arms, or legs. Cue guitar riff from Ballroom Blitz. "Oh it's been getting so hard, living with the things you do to me! Mhm!"
Enough of this, James thought and cast Waterspout.
He hosed it for a good minute but the spider refused to fall off the web. It stop jamming. It moved its mouth bits. Its crown of eyes began to glow.
Before he knew it, James had the spider on his back. It wrestled him to the ground and spun a white cocoon around him. Or pupa. Or crysalis. Remus knew the pedantic difference but James wasn't going to ask.
Not that he'd live to do it.
He couldn't even scream.
X
Meanwhile outside the wardrobe.
"He's sure taking his time," Sirius thought.
"I probably should have mentioned," said Remus. "the glam rock is actually a spider."
"Why didn't you?"
"It slipped my mind. I take for granted everyone knows this stuff."
That could possibly explain why it took so long. Then at last, James came tumbling out of the wardrobe. His hair had been permed, he wore a black top hat and pink flares and specs from Elton John's collection.
"Bang a gong get it on!" Sirius exclaimed. "It's Elton Bolan!"
They probably should have given themselves edgy glam rock names
James got up on his feet and examined his outfit.
"Well this wasn't half as bad as I thought it was going to be."
"You definitely got off easy and that's saying something!"
"I like your trousers!" said Remus.
"But will you respect them in the morning?"
"I want to go next!" said Sirius and went inside the wardrobe.
He tumbled out wearing a low cut silver top and gold shorts and a TON of eye make-up!
"Little Willy!" Fletcher exclaimed.
"Hey!"
Beau Marceau came out looking like Bryan Ferry.
"Take me on a roller coaster!" the chaps exclaimed.
Beau mimed flying down to Rio.
Remus came out looking like a pink David Bowie.
"Oh... god...," he said, anxious and embarassed and regretting some of his life choices.
Sirius had a camera in his hand and a grin on his face. Remus pointed a warning finger.
"Put that away."
Click.
Clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick-
The camera met its end as a were-camera.
Peter came out wearing a clown wig.
Only Fletcher remained now.
"Guess it's my turn!" he said, excited, and rushed inside.
The wardrobe spat him out immediately, without giving Fletcher a change of clothes.
"What happened?" Remus asked.
"It wouldn't take me!"
"Did it give a reason?"
"Um... no?" A louse crawled over Fletcher's nose.
"A reason! Look at him!" said Sirius, refering to the dirty and smelly state that always was Fletcher. "I mean, would YOU eat him?"
Remus frowned at him, annoyed with the indiscretion, as well Sirius understood. Now.
"Eat off him, I mean."
"You're getting a bath, Fletch!" James decided. "We are going to clean you until you're so clean I can eat you I mean eat off you!"
"No! Not a bath! Anything but a bath!" Fletcher cried.
Then he made a run for it.
The other chaps ran after him in their sparkling platform shoes. But they lost Fletcher, due to Fletcher not wearing platform shoes. Beau stopped and mimed throwing darts. The chaps guessed.
"Darts. Playing darts. Arrows. You want to play darts now?"
Beau mimed pointing at the tip of an arrow.
"Fletch. Fletches? Oh, fletch. What about it? Oh, Fletch!"
In the next bit of mime it looked like Marceau was weeping against a wall.
"You alright, mate?" James asked.
"Great time to have an emotional breakdown," Sirius thought.
"Fletcher is the champion at hide and go seek," said Remus, and Marceau gave him thumbs up for the correct guess.
"Is he now?" James asked. "Well blasted. Guess that means he could be anywhere!"
Marceau mimed again. He pointed at himself.
"You."
He mimed a victory gesture.
"Winner. Champion."
Marceau mimed singing Georgy Girl.
"The Seekers. Are you the champion seeker, perhaps?" James asked.
Marceau nodded, proud.
"What happened to Pennywort?"
Marceau ran his hands over his glammy outfit.
"He got fat?"
"Wearing," said Sirius.
Marceau mimed looking around.
"Wear look. Where look? Are you saying that Fletch, being so unkempt, has a bit of a were-look?"
"Where was he on the tenth do you know?" James asked.
Marceau shook his head and did the same mime, but with more intensity.
"Where's the last place we'd look? That's easy! In the bath!"
Marceau mimed boobs.
"Which bath? The cleanest one!"
"No! The dirtiest one!"
"McGonagall's bath!"
"Dumbledore's bath!"
Marceau did another series of charades and James and Sirius stopped fooling around.
" 'Which bath is the dirtiest?' "
Remus snorted. "Well that's got to be ours..."
Marceau shrugged in a way that very plainly said: Well then.
"Wait. Are you serious? Is Fletcher in our bath?"
They needed to get Fletcher out of their bath stat!
The chaps ran as fast as their platform shoes would allow to dormitory M. They were very reluctant to invite Marceau, but after he promised he would not speak a word of what he saw to any Hufflepuff, living or dead, he was allowed in.
The bath really wasn't as dirty as perhaps Remus felt. Sure, no house elf would touch it but water was running on a nearly daily basis so it stood to reason there was no real filth to complain about.
Wrong.
"Look at the state of it!" said James, proud. "It's in sparkling condition! Look at the shine on it!"
"That's not shine. That's butter from your crumpet bath," said Remus.
Marceau pointed at a patch of mold.
"Blue cheese," Sirius explained.
No sign of Fletcher, however. Looked like Marceau had been wrong.
"Some Champion Seeker you've been," said Sirius.
Marceau mimed.
"Finger. Point. Sky. Lamp. Ceiling. Dead flies. Up. Look up. Look over there. Look where I'm pointing. Point frenetically. Gesture violently with both hands upwards. Seriously, why don't you talk?!"
Peter looked up. "He's up there!"
Indeed, Fletcher was actually clinging to the roof by a plunger. His forehead sparkled with beads of sweat, his face contorted from the strain.
"Get down here!" James yelled at him.
"Never!" Fletcher replied.
But it looked like he wouldn't be able to hold on for much longer.
Marceau cracked his knuckles. Then he mimed fetching a ladder from the corner, instead of getting an actual ladder. Well there wasn't one. Then he mimed climbing up the invisible ladder, thereby actually climbing it. Now within touching range from Fletcher, Marceau simply whacked him with his invisible suitcase until he fell. But it was ok, because the bath tub had been filled with soft bubblegum to both prevent injuries and escaping.
"It's catching two flies with one stone!" said Remus, proud.
"It's catching a swarm of them," said Sirius.
James was even less impressed. "Great going, getting Fletcher stuck in our bath! If you didn't think it was dirty before...!"
"I did think it was dirty before," said Remus.
"This time we will really have to give it a good scrubbing. I hope you're proud of yourself."
They set the faucet to Il Nino and added all the detergent, soap, oven cleaner they could lay their hands on. Fletcher screamed and cried, splashing water allover the place as they tore his clothes off and began to scrub his body with steel wool. Fletcher protested a lot in the beginning but eventually he simply gave up and turned vacant.
There was light in the tunnel. Fletcher became clean and fragrant at last. The bath had taken all his dirty like a kind of Bath of Dorian Grey, or Jesus Bath-Christ. Marceau turned off the faucet, or mimed it, either way. Now it remained to simply unstuck Fletcher from the powerful gum, but they had a special tool for that.
"Look at how clean you are now!" said Sirius, wrapping a towel around Fletcher.
"Yet I have never felt dirtier..," said Fletcher quietly.
XXX
The clock struck eight. The Mistletoez were crowding inside the wardrobe, awaiting their cue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, The Mistletoez!"
Woosh the crowd went wildly lukewarm.
"YEEEAAAH!" James took the microphone. "Are you ready to rock and roll?"
Without further ado, the band began to cross off the songs on their program. They opened with Lipstick On Your Collar, continued with Who Put the Bomp?, then Poetry In Motion. Then they threw in a Christmas song for good measure, Jingle Bell Rock. After all these upbeat songs it was necessary to throw in a romantic ballad.
"This song," said James, "is for... all of you... all of you out there... who's ever loved... somebody...somebody called Brandy. Could be Mandy. Or Sandy. Andy. Even Candy."
"I remember all my life
Raining shadows cold as ice
Caught in a world of uphill climbing
A man in a window
How happy you made me
Oh Brandy..."
Some more upbeat songs such as Yellow River, Have You Ever Seen the Rain and Mrs Robinson and Oh Carol.
More upbeat songs and then Rocking Around the Christmas Tree.
Despite McGonagall strictly forbidding them to play any rock music, they still had plans to sneak in some actual glam. Ballroom Blitz was simply too appropriate to not do. After I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clausand Sleigh Ride,Marceau started it off with the drums. James cupped the mike.
"Are you ready, Stinky Vomit?"
Peter was too nervous to either reply or move.
"Bloody Gutz?"
"Uhm sure.
"Crazed Nymfo?"
Sirius didn't hear him because he was distracted. The grinch mask sat on the guitar head and he didn't know how it had gotten there. He looked out at the dance floor. He saw two mysterious figures in the corner; one was a man with red eyes and the other a woman in a veil.
"Craze?"
Just who were they?
"CRAZE!"
"Wha'?"
"Are you ready?"
"Oh right. Okay!"
"Alright fellas! LET'S GOOOOOOOOO!"
James was supposed to do the verses and Sirius the high-pitched bridges, that was the plan. Yet when the time came for him to do the bridge, he didn't do it. His eyes were fixed on the back of the Great Hall and James couldn't see what he was looking at.
"Padoot!" he whispered. "Just what is the matter with you?"
"It's the gingebread man!"
"What?"
Sirius dropped the guitar, summoned his fox familiar and told it to get the man with the red eyes. The man shrunk to the size of a gingerbread man. The fox got lost in the crowd. Sirius jumped off the stage to find his fox, and Remus wanted to find the gingerbread man.
The people on the dance floor parted for them, perplexed. James was determined to keep the show going. He ordered Beau and Fletcher to start playing Popcorn.
Sirius and Remus had reached the entrance of the Great Hall.
"Where did you see it?" Remus asked.
"It's up there now!" Sirius pointed to the top of the Christmas tree.
The gingerbread man sat on top of the star. He laughed.
"Where's my familiar?" Sirius asked.
Remus summoned his bunny familiar. It would just have to do. Somebody behind him put a hand on his back.
It was a mysterious witch wearing a white fur coat, her face hidden in a white veil and white fur hood.
"Boy I want to warn you," she told him.
"Of what?"
"See the blue glass bird?"
"Yeah?"
"That is Christmas. Break it, and you'll break Christmas."
"I'll be careful."
"Jolly good then."
Remus told his bunny familiar to get the gingerbread man. The rabbit was not only a slow hopper, it was also easily distracted. By all the decorative carrots. The gingerbreadman blew a raspberry and disappeared.
Remus ordered his familiar to come down. It knocked down several ornaments with its cotton tail on its way. Remus was annoyed that Sirius kept laughing at his familiar.
Then the rabbit knocked down the blue glass bird! Remus watched it fall with horror! He feared he had actually broken Christmas!
Thankfully the ornament didn't break.
"Phew!"
Sirius picked it up and put it back on the tree. Then he and Remus returned to the stage.
James had kept the show going with some lyrics he had written for the instrumental pop piece that was Popcorn.
"I like popcorn in a bowl
I like popcorn in a bowl
I like pop-pop- popcorn
Pop-pop-pop- popcorn
Pop-pop-pop-popcorn in a bowl."
Clearly he was going mad. Sirius picked up the guitar, Remus returned to the electric piano. James had invented a new dance as well.
"I call this the Hazel-Nut!
Popcorn
With a butter sauce
Popcorn
I just can't get enough"
Sirius signed for Fletcher and Marceau to stop playing Popcorn.
The band did Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, A Little Bit More, It Never Rains In Southern California and Flying Purple People Eater.
"And now," said James during a spoken-word moment, "the time has come for me to hand over the lead microphone to my mate Craze. Take it away, Craze!"
Sirius didn't respond. He was wearing that idiotic mask again! He wasn't taking this gig seriously at all!
"Thanks very much," said Sirius in that strange voice he always used with the mask, or when he was having moonswings. He told Remus to take a break, because he wanted to play the piano this time.
"You're a mean one
Mr Grinch
You got termites in your smiiiiiile
You're as manky as a meatloaf
You got turbines in your smile
Mr Griii-INCH!"
Sirius whipped out the glass bird, and everybody on the dance floor gasped.
"Given the choice between a brown banana and aspic, I'll take the...
ARSENIC SAAAUCE!"
Sirius dropped the glass bird on the floor and stomped on it.
There was nobody that didn't understand that he had just broken Christmas.
"They broke Christmas!" cried one person.
"EVERYONE ATTACK!" Cried another.
And that was the story of how it all turned into a Ballroom Blitz.