Kara sat silently trying to look anywhere in the room to distract her. She had been feeling nervous ever since Kelly had come into the apartment for her therapy session. Kelly was grabbing her notebook out of her bag and shifted in her seat before clearing her throat.
"Okay so Kara this is how things are going to go. You are going to control and direct the conversation. I might bring up prompts or ask questions, but you have all the power here. If there is something you do not want to talk about it then let me know and we can talk about something else. The most important thing is that you feel comfortable and know that this is a safe place for you to say whatever you are feeling and thinking. Alright there is no judgement here and anything you say stays between us. The only case that would change is if I feel you might be in danger of harming yourself but besides that everything stays in this room," Kelly said as she watched Kara nod her head. "Okay, how you are feeling today?" Kelly asked.
"I don't know. I guess nervous. This is new for me. You know I don't really talk about my feelings or my past, so I am just a little on edge," Kara said as she finally looked over to Kelly.
"That is totally normal Kara. This is not a comfortable thing for most people when they are starting out. Why don't you just tell me a little bit about Lena," Kelly said as she watched a smile appear on Kara's face.
"She's amazing. You know we were friends for a while before we started dating. I used to get so nervous going to see her because I felt so much for her, but I was too afraid to make a move. She was actually the one who made the first move, and I was so relieved when she finally did. I am always amazed by her and the person she has become. She could have easily turned out like her brother or family, but she is the complete opposite of them. She has been able to rebuild a whole company and do something positive with it," Kara said.
"She sounds amazing from what I have been told. Do you two talk about your pasts a lot?" Kelly asked.
"I mean occasionally. I wouldn't say that either of us are open books. I think that our pasts might be one of the main things that connects us. You know Lena lost her mom when she was young. She doesn't like to talk about her which I understand. Neither of us had a traditional childhood and I think in a lot of ways that helps us to better understand each other," Kara suggested as she looked up at Kelly who was writing something down before looking back up.
"That makes sense. Trauma can bring people together. You both have lived through things that many people don't live through in their lifetime," Kelly said as she watched Kara shift on the couch.
"I guess so. I mean everyone has stuff from their past that is hard. I think about Maggie or Clark and the stuff they went through," Kara said as Kelly could sense she was trying to deflect the conversation away from herself.
"Let's talk about Clark for a minute. How did it feel to come to earth and discover he was older?" Kelly asked.
"I mean it definitely was a little hard to process. I left Krypton with him as a baby and thinking he was going to need me to look after him. Then by the time I got here he was grown and was already saving the world," Kara said as Kelly nodded her head.
"I can imagine that might have been sort of hard to deal with. He found you right?" Kelly asked.
"Yeah he did and then he took me to the Danvers," Kara said.
"How did you feel about that?" Kelly asked.
"I mean he wasn't in the position to raise me. He did what he thought was best for me," Kara said.
"Right but also that couldn't have been easy. Being separated from the last relative you had from Krypton," Kelly said.
"I mean sure it was hard, but he also came and visited when he could. I know Alex still gets mad at him from time to time. She thinks that he abandoned me because he didn't want to take care of me," Kara said.
"You feel as though that wasn't the case?" Kelly asked.
"Like I said he was doing what he felt was the right thing," Kara said, and Kelly could sense she was getting frustrated.
"Alright let's move on," Kelly said not wanting to push Kara too much in her first session. "You told me yesterday that what you wanted was to be enough for everyone," Kelly said. "Can you expand on that at all?" Kelly asked.
"I mentioned yesterday that Lena has had a hard life and she needs someone who can be a strength for her. Alex gave up a lot of her teenage years to help me out and I need to return the favor by being there for her. I owe them at least that," Kara said.
"Kara I understand what you are saying but do you think the pressure you put on yourself to be a rock for everyone might be too much sometimes especially with being Supergirl as well," Kelly suggested.
"No this is who I am supposed to be. I don't get to have a normal human life like everyone else. There is too much riding on that for me to let up. It gets overwhelming sometimes, but I knew what I signed up for when I put on the cape," Kara said, and Kelly could tell she was slipping into her Supergirl persona.
"Okay but let's take being Supergirl out of it. Let's just talk about you and your life as Kara," Kelly said.
"Supergirl is a part of who I am. Sometimes I feel like all the best parts of who I am I can only experience when I am Supergirl," Kara said as she looked down slightly.
"Are you afraid of just being Kara," Kelly asked as she watch Kara take a deep breath.
"I don't know…maybe. I was so lost when I first got here, and I was scared all the time. Once I became Supergirl I felt like I found purpose again and I felt a strength I had never experienced before. The world got a little less scary for me," Kara said as she looked back up at Kelly. "I guess in some ways I don't really know who I am without Supergirl. I just worry that the longer I go now without going back to that I will be forced to be just me again and I don't know if I like that person," Kara admitted.
"Finding out who you truly are is one of the hardest things in life. Kara some people never really figure that out. I think if you are willing to I can help sort of guide you on ways to discover who you are without Supergirl," Kelly said as she waited for Kara who took a moment before nodding her head. "Okay good. So, let me ask you something. What was something you used to like to do when you were a kid?" Kelly asked as Kara stayed silent for a moment before answering.
"I used to draw every night before bed on Krypton. I did a little once I got here but it just made me miss home too much," Kara said.
"Well if you would be willing to try maybe you can start drawing again. It doesn't have to be every night but maybe just once or twice a week," Kelly said.
"Alright yeah I can try that," Kara said. "Can I ask you something?" Kara questioned.
"Sure," Kelly said as she smiled slightly waiting for Kara to respond.
"How do I get my mind to slow down," Kara said quietly. "Lately it feels like I just can't stop thinking about everything," Kara continued.
"Kara there is no magic cure for that. There are things you can try to help control your thoughts. I would recommend buying a journal and writing in that if your thoughts become overwhelming. Another thing you can try is just talking to Lena or Alex or anyone you feel comfortable with and just let them know what is going on. Sometimes being able to bounce your thoughts off someone else can help. Everyone is different so things that might work for one person won't work for someone else. So why don't you try a few different things this week and then when we meet back up you can let me know if any of them worked. It's going to be a lot of trial and error to finding a combination that works best for you. You have however taken a very big first step. It takes a lot of courage to sit down and talk out what you are feeling," Kelly said as Kara sighed.
"Everyone keeps saying that to me. I don't know if I feel the same way," Kara admitted.
"And that is okay if you don't. Whether or not you believe it you have taken a first big step in agreeing to meet with me. Look let's wrap it up for today. Try drawing for a little bit this week and maybe write in a journal a little bit and if anything comes up before our next meeting you can give me a call. Okay we can always talk on the phone or I can came back over and we can talk in person," Kelly said and waited for Kara to nod her head before she stood up and made her way to the door and outside.
Kara shut the door behind Kelly and laid down on the couch. She smiled as Bella came over and joined her. She laid there for close to an hour before hearing the door slowly open and close. She looked up and saw Lena coming over smiling at her.
"Hey," Lena said as she sat down on the couch petting Bella who was jumping up on her lap.
"Hi, did you get some work done?" Kara asked as Lena nodded her head as she placed Bella back on the couch.
"I did get a good amount done. How did everything go over here?" Lena asked.
"Good, I guess… I don't really know Lena. It's weird," Kara admitted.
"First thank you for being honest with me. Second, I am sure it is. Talking about feelings is never fun," Lena said and was glad she could get a small smile out of Kara.
"It's just I have had my walls up for so long and suddenly a stranger is coming in and trying to tear them all down. I mean I am all for trying this out, but I just don't know," Kara said.
"I know, I am sure it is scary for you. Look, try it out for a couple of weeks and if it isn't going well you can always stop," Lena said as Kara nodded her head.
"Hey, can we go to the store. Kelly suggested it might be a good idea for me to try and get back into drawing and all the supplies I have are in Midvale," Kara said.
"Sure of course. Let me just go change and then we can go in a few minutes," Lena said as she kissed Kara on the head before making her way into the bedroom.
0000
Lena and Kara got back from the store and after eating dinner Lena went to take a shower leaving Kara alone out in the main room. Kara made her way out to the balcony and sat down as she looked up towards the sky. She pulled her phone out and dialed a number.
"Hey honey," Eliza said as she picked up on the other line.
"Hey, how are you and Jeremiah doing? Did you get home alright?" Kara asked as the two had just gone home this morning.
"We are good. How are you? How did your session go with Kelly?" Eliza responded.
"I'm doing alright, I guess. I don't know still just tired. It went good, I told Lena it was kind of weird the whole process, but I guess it will take some getting used to," Kara said as she laid her head back on the chair.
"I'm sure it will. It's not a normal scenario and it can't be easy what you are doing," Eliza said.
"Yeah. Hey so I wanted to see if you knew where all my old art supplies were," Kara said as she shifted in her seat.
"They should still be in your room. Some of them might be out in the garage," Eliza said. "Did you want them?" Eliza asked.
"Kelly suggested it might be a good idea to maybe try drawing occasionally. Lena and I went to the store and got some supplies for me for now, but it would be nice to have some of that old stuff. I can drive down there and get them maybe this next weekend," Kara said
"I can bring them up to you honey. After tomorrow I have a few days off. Jeremiah has to work but I can maybe stay a night or two and get them to you," Eliza said as Kara smiled slightly.
"Are you sure? You just left from here. I don't want to be a bother," Kara said shyly.
"Kara you would never be a bother to me and yes I am sure. Plus, it would be nice to get some more time with you girls," Eliza said.
"Okay thank you, I really appreciate it," Kara said as her and Eliza talked for a few more minutes before Kara hung up the phone and saw Lena opening the door and making her way over to the chair. Kara scooted over to she could sit next to her.
"That was Eliza, she said they made it back safely. She is going to come up in a few days and bring some of my old art supplies up. I think she might spend or night or two," Kara said as Lena nodded her head.
"Good, I'm glad," Lena said as they both fell silent for a few minutes. Lena looked over at Kara and saw her staring out into the sky.
"What are you thinking about?" Lena asked as Kara looked over at her.
"I was just thinking about life. How lucky I was to end up with Eliza, Jeremiah and Alex. I can't imagine what my life would have been like had I not. I know not everyone gets as lucky…," Kara said as she realized what she said and looked over at Lena. "Sorry I didn't think," Kara said as Lena shook her head.
"Hey, don't apologize for that. I didn't have anywhere close to the perfect childhood growing up, but it led me to you. If I hadn't been in L-Corp that day when you came in with Clark, I don't know that we would have ever met. I am very happy that you had such a loving family growing up," Lena said as she leaned over and kissed Kara on the head.
"I guess I never really thought about it like that. Can I ask you something?" Kara said as Lena nodded her head. "Do you think Clark abandoned me?" Kara asked as she watched Lena's facial expression change slightly.
"I think he was in a tough position and I think he ultimately did what he thought was best for you," Lena said.
"But…" Kara said sensing there was more.
"I mean you were just a kid and you were scared coming to a new planet. So yes, sometimes I think maybe it wasn't the best idea for him to just drop you off with a group of strangers," Lena said as she watched to see what Kara's expression would be.
"I know and I think maybe a little part of me still holds some resentment towards him for doing that. I also feel like I can't be mad at him for that though. I feel like he gave me a chance to have a normal family and something that I wouldn't have been able to have had he raised me by himself," Kara said as Lena nodded her head.
"Kara you are allowed to feel however you want to. Did you ever talk to him about this?" Lena asked.
"No, I haven't. I don't know maybe I will at some point," Kara said.
"It's up to you," Lena said as Kara snuggled into her side.
"I don't know what good it would do at this point. I mean the past is in the past and I don't want to make Clark feel guilty," Kara said softly.
"Kara sometimes you need to get something off your chest, and you can't worry about hurting the other person. It might be good for you to get some of the feelings you have been bottling up out in the open. Trust me there are things I wish I could say to my family sometimes," Lena said as Kara looked up at her.
"It just feels like it might reopen old wounds. I don't know maybe it's something I could talk about with Kelly and see," Kara said as Lena nodded her head. "I'm just tired of feeling things from my past you know," Kara said and could see the sad smile on Lena's face.
"I know. I wish I could say I was over stuff from my past as well, but it has a way of sticking around. Being with you and your family makes it hurt a lot less though," Lena said as Kara leaned over and kissed her on the lips before pulling back.
"I love you Lena," Kara whispered softly.
"I love you too, Kara," Lena replied back.