"Twas the night before Wizardmas and all through the Great Hall, not a creature was stirring except for all of the rats in the Kitchen stirring all the freshly made pub mix, toilets and appliances, hagrig in his hut scratching his doink, children smoking grass in the dormz, herm practicing her oat traffic directing, zac baggins' ghost, well, u know, hunting for ghosts!, nearly penis headless nick nicking his penis top with a flick of his wrist and a claymore from the anime, and a lot of other things were stirring actually if u think about it. Idk its a wizard school full of rowdy adolescencely tens, tweens and young adults. And old but like 18+
Also DubbleDore was stirring his coffee with a coffee stir-stick quietly in his room. Ready for a night in. a night where nothing could possibly go wrong. NOT!
Diarrhea. And, in turn,Diarrhea covered the floors.
And the walls? It smelled porky, the worst kind. Fuget about it! They were covered in a nice chiffon fabric made of corn and magic corn for the special occasion. Yes you(sheep) herd that right, the diarrhea was all dressed up.
Since Harry was a dumbass ugly, pompous asshole orphan boy, he dinint have a fambly to go home to 4 Wizmas. He was all alone, except for Weird Al Yankovic. One, maybe two rats were humping his club foot with ease, and it really made the whole thing a lot more lonely. He humped and dumped every FAAAAAART. He came across and thats why noone liked him also.
He also came across as a little bit of a doll collector which was also a pretty big turn off. He LOVES robert the doll. Zac is all over it honestly. Look it up, you swine, it's creepy as shit. He sure hoped hed get robert the doll for Wizmas? then he couldn't take pics with his doll collection bc Rober t the doll would probably hurt him in insidious ways. And hari had enough dolls tryna hurt him as it is!
That doll we call Dobby! AyOOOOOO! What a catch ;) Dobby went home for Wizardmas tho. Yes he has a family. They kind of care about him too. Its shocking. Dobby has a mother and even a father. A little brother? I don't THINK so. Not so fast, slick. What are you trying to pull over the wool on my eyes? EH?
Harry was given two eggs before Dobby left, in remembrance. Who know s\ by whom? He decided that the eggs inspired him. To bake.
NOT a duckmeat cake. Horsemeat? Maybe. Now we'll just have to think about that.
Seeing an opportunity, Harry called Dumbledoor on his smartphone, which was also his wond.
"Hey. I got an idear.:
'Would you frisk me?" replied Dukbledore.
"Nevermind that! We've got business to talk about" sighed Harry, faintly.
"But what if…What if you frisked me?" replied Dumbledoor. Harry got frustrated and hung up out of frustration. He called back,2.45 hours later, once Dumbledore had cooled off.
"Listen, I've got an idar, and i wanat you to make it happen, you old nasty ninny dirtbag cheapskate cheap steak arsehole. I'll blow the whole story of the rat dropping-induced dung-death of all the students at this school if you don't." Harry arched his back in horniness. He also sighed, hornily.
"Well, you've really got me in a sticky tilt-a-whirl there, haven't you? State your demands." Said Dumber, wispy-pubed.
"I want American Ninja Warrior filmed here, tonight, on Wizmas Eve. I want it televised live, and I want to be in the competition. I also want my bladder professionally cleaned. Got a lot of bladder sludge built up in there. Also, a signed copy of Tarzan on VHS. I want it signed by Phil Collins AND Tarzan, else the deal's off." Harry was in a demanding mood. He let out a bacon-wrapped sigh.
Dimbledore agreed, heartily, like a stew. He made a few phone calls, pulled some strings, and his whole sweater unraveled. It was bloody awful.
Harry was bent. He scurried off to his bed chambers to change the gauze on his bed sores, and to primp for the big show. In preparation, he put on his American Ninja Warrior competitive outfit, and his waist trainer. He didn't forget his codpiece, shaped like a loaf of sourdough in the shape of the greater bay area of san fransisco, nor his helmet, nor his mouth guard. He also donned his braces. Ankle braces, wrist braces, and tooth braces. His special unitard had a picture of a damp kitten, shivering but staying strong. It reminded him to stay strong in the face of hardships. He also took the neon 'hustle' sign off of his wall above his desk and fashioned it into a necklace. It gave him second degree burns. So, not the worst.
It was 8 o'clock, so Harry barreled down the hallways to the great hall, which is where the show was set to be filmed. As soon as he got there, he heard:
"On your mark, get set, BAKE!"
As a whirl of bakers went to grab some ingredients, Harry struggled to figure out what was going on. Dumbledore was in the corner looking very shy and coy and fragile. Harry threw a hand mixer at him. It missed, so Harry ran up to him at warp speed ;)
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!" Harry was so fucking upset that he almost forgot to sigh. He let out a belated sigh, but there was no feeling behind it.
Dumbledore geezed.
"I tried my best, boy, but the American Ninja Warriors couldn't be here until tomorrow. I managed to get the Great British Bake Off here on literally an hours notice though?!"
Harry secretly loved this show but acted mad still.
The challenge was to bake a traditional holiday rump cake, with twelve even layers of marzipan and fondant. The challengers were Harry Potter, Aragog the spider in the woods but he was here now, a centaur that they trapped and forced to participate, a shrew they saw once, Filch, Snape, Daniel Radcliffe the snail, and a dirty lonely house elf (not Dobby), and the sorting hat fo r good measure.
So then the challenge was over and here is how the judging went:
Harry dropped all of his bowls, his bowels, every knife and spoon he owned, a measuring spoon or two, his hand mixer, his stand mixer, his nutsack, the bass, and a lot of flour all over the floor to signify that he was finished with his bake. And he smeared it with his foot a little.
Ducky from the Land Before Time was one of the judges, as was Two Chainz. The judges came up to Aragog first. Aragog made a lovely Crostini with freshly cracked Jason DeRulo dust. The judges loved it.
Next came Filch. He was 25, single, and horny as hell. And he also made a nice cupcake. His cupcakes were iced with his own hair grease and cat dander. It was a bit stodgy.
The judges were supposed to judge Daniel Radcliffe next, but when they went up to his station, they couldn't really find him.
"Putt-Putt! I've made for you guys today a lovely pumpkin pastie wit-" Daniel Radcliffe the snail started, but Ducky cut him off.
"I'm sorry, does anyone know where Daniel is? He should be at his station to present!" She tutted, like King Tut.
"Oh, apologies ma'am, I'm right here, Putt-"
"WE"VE LOST ONE, MATES! Call the Wizard Fire Department!" 2 Chanixz begged, and cried for attention so hard.
"Well, waste not, want not. Let's give them a try, shall we?" Ducky spittled all over the pumpkin pasties because she's a child and has a duck bill and is a dinosaur and wanted to pre-disgest them for everyone.
"Oh, can you not...see me…? Putt-Putt?" Daniel was speaking at a snail's pace. It's important to mention, at this point, that he was at least 4'11", and could be seen over the countertop, mind you. And he was visible in every way. The judges just didn't notice him.
"Hmmm, does anyone hear that putting noise? Almost like a weed wacker…"
"I hear something like a clogged udder. Is that it?" meekly, but eagerly replied the Sorting Hat.
"Shame, if he was here, he would've won this challenge. These are lovely. But Participation is Key." Sadly said Ducky.
"I'm right here! PUTT" Daniel Radcliffe waved his eye stalks in a last-ditch attempt to woo the judges' attention.
"Y'see, I used to work on a farm back home, in Kansas." again, meekly and eagerly the Sorting Hat chimed in.
"Moving on, I suppose."
NExt they saw Snape, who was boring and not worth mentioning. The house elf (PASS), the centaur, who made a very ugly but delicous dump cake that looked a lot like his big fat horses' ass and fat horse sack, which was interesting, because his horse sack was missing. Little known fact, not many people know, that this little factoid, is that centaur ass and sacks snap off easily, with snaps sewn on.
Next up, Harry Dwayne Potter. Harry made a slicked down version of his famous A Pad with Cheese Melted On It. With, yeah. You guessed it. Three cheese Mexican style blend with blend blended in. It also featured a waterfall, topo chico style. In fact, it was so fancy, that it spewed fudge onto a batch of those crackers that white texas moms make. The ones that they get a sleeve of saltines out and put it in a ziplock bag, then add oil:
Place all your crackers (all 4 sleeves) upright in a container. I used a square one but you can find one that fits them all. Standing them upright will help distribute the seasoning better.
Mix your oil and spices together in a bowl.
Whisk to combine.
Drizzle over the crackers as evenly as possible. Make sure to scrape out all the seasoning in the bowl. You don't want to miss any.
Seal the container.
Flip the container upside down and let sit for 5 minutes.
Every five minutes, for 30 minutes.
That's it!
Store in the container until all have been eaten. It won't take long for them to disappear, but you can store them for up to a week and they will stay crispy!
comeback-crackers/
5uJ$4
The Shrew made an Egg McDougan, finished early and ran all the way home, wherever the hell that is. I dunno what Shrews do.
The judges will decide.
Somewhere far off, in a pub in SouthWest Hogsmeade, the atmosphere was pretty sad. Crops weren't coming in, winter was there and it was cold, and many people were starving and jobless. And had the plague, with potato famine included. They did have money for beer though, life's greatest treasure. One man with a beard, looking around at the bleak setting sang softly to himself a hymn from the old world to cheer himself.
"...shrew made an egg mcdougan, and ran all the way back hoooome…."
Hearing this, the bartend began to sing along, inspired-like, with hopeful eyes.
"Aaaaaand theeeeee shrew made an Egg McDoougan, the Shrew made an Egg McDougan, the Shrew made.."
The pitch rose and the old piano in the corner got dusted off by an old dusty man also in the corner who started playing a paunchy riff. Suddenly, the whole pub erupted into a lively Ragtime-style rendition of Shrew Made an Egg McDougan.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAnd theeeeeeeeee SHREWMADEANEGGMCDOUGAN, the SHREWMADEANEGGMCDOUGAN, the SHREWMADEANEGGMCDOUGAN, and he ran all the way back home!"
Then, the bridge of the song, a very poignant part, came around:
"The Shrew had a wife
Her name was Jane
She passed away when Winter came
The Shrew didn't know what he could do
He had to feed his children two
He tried to off them with a dirk
But he knew well it wouldn't work
He pulled himself together
He scrounged around a day or two
He found a egg, in a bonny shoe
And wouldnt ye know
That shrewd, wee, shrewwwwwwww…
Theeeeeeeeeeeee SHREWMADEAN EGGMCDOUGAN, THE SHREW MADE AN EGG MCDOUGAN, THE SHREW MADE AN EGG MCDOUGAN TO MEND HIS BROKEN HOOOOOOOOME!" The song came to a crashing end, when the Irish Folk Song became too inspirational, and, because the men were all starving, they collapsed in death from strain. Their song will always live on, though.
Back at the camp, AKA Hogwart's Cafeteria instead of the Great Hall, say it for what it is, they were crowning. Many babies were born that day. They were also crowning a winner. It was the Centaur. While he didn't have any layers of marzipan or fondant, he did get the closest to making a rump cake. They ate his sack and rear.
Harry, furious, let out the breathiest sigh you've ever hear. It shook the windows and shattered Hagrid's crystalline bones. He was 36.
Harry called the nearest news outlet and spilled the beans on Dumledore's dirty little egret, Jose. And also his dirty little secret. About the rat droppings. And child death.
"Who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time" -Enya