Please write a review! I never know if the storyline works outside my brain or not lol.

Chapter Thirteen

If I was less tired, I'd be cursing up a storm right now. This was the third time the circuit board I was working on had shorted out on me. It was incredibly frustrating, every time I thought I located the problem, another one would appear. It seemed to be a plating gap issue which is basically when the copper connecting each component to the rest of the board is broken, so the electricity cannot travel through the copper because of the gap. A gap of any kind made the entire circuit board useless and I needed it to function so I could use the part of the screen that displayed the information on the rudder. It wasn't the most crucial piece in the panel but I didn't like having a quarter of my screen blank. It made me nervous. But a lot of things made me nervous these days.

It was only twenty five hours before the launch and my stomach was in knots. There was a sense of urgency from the crew in every task and conversation which only added to my uneasiness concerning this upcoming landing. I was exhausted all the time, while working, while eating, or while pointlessly trying to sleep. I frequently found myself physically shaking my head because it was as foggy as the Magellanic Cloud. I could not miss a thing, not with Jim's life on the line.

Jim. That was another stressor added to the wasp's nest buzzing in my skull. I really hadn't seen him since our conversation, whether that was good or not. True, it really had only been a day filled with preparations from the last time we talked but I still felt disquieted. There was no way to gauge how he felt about our encounter, about what I'd said. Even though I didn't know what I would say, I at least wanted to observe him, to check on him. But I never saw him for more than a few seconds at a time. I would join the table in the mess hall just as he was leaving or he would rush past me on the deck, clearly with other things on his mind. It didn't seem like he ever saw me. Was he intentionally avoiding me? I wouldn't blame him. Maybe this is the new normal. Isn't this what we wanted?

It was nearing the time that Jim would be ending his routine check of the ship but I wasn't expecting him to come down here. He didn't stop by yesterday so he probably had better things to do. I should be glad that I'm not on his mind, he doesn't need any distractions before this potentially dangerous mission.

This distance from Jim will be gladly accepted just as soon as he's safe onboard again, I kept telling myself. It's only the risk of this landing that's messing with us. It's not concern for his feelings, it's not regret from pushing him away or the lack of communication, it's not any of those things. We're finally in the position that we wanted, safely distant but on good terms. This is finally where we wanted to be, let's keep it that way, Alice.

I sighed and ground the heel of my hand into my heavy eyelids. I noted how dry my eyes felt and a slight ache in my chest. The dull throb beneath my ribs confused me but I was generally confused lately with the lack of sleep. I really must need the rest, every part of my body seems to be failing.

I tried to still my shaking hands as I soldered the line of metal running through the circuit board. This was my last guess trying to identify the break. With the repair complete, I set down my tools to pick up the wires I was attaching to the board. I clipped one in and then another and set the final one in place. I left the board hanging out of the console where I had been working on it and flipped the lever on the panel to turn on the screen. I heard a gentle humming as the surface of the screen started to glow first with white and then turned into the brilliant green that I wanted to see. I waited for the data to load, watching various diagrams and numbers appear. I held my breath, hoping that the rudder data would load and I wouldn't have to continue the repairs. The more my lungs burned for air, the more angry I became. The area that should be displaying a tiny model of the rudder and showing all of the relevant data was dark. The board failed. I failed.

"Blast it! Blast it, blast it, blast me!" I spat out. "Blast this board, blast this ship!" I smacked my hand hard into an empty part of the panel so I wouldn't hit something important and create more work for myself. I continued hitting the panel until I was satisfied venting my anger. After shaking out my stinging hand, I ran both my hands through my hair as I turned my attention back to the circuit board. I was exasperated and done with the faulty board, I'd just start over with a new board and pray I didn't run into any further problems.

I yanked the wires off and resisted the urge to snap the board in half, who knows what could happen in space, we might need it in a pinch. The spiral staircase was right in the middle of the blank back wall, so there was a space under the stairs and between the closest panel in the corner. In that space was the long, flat topped chest that stored every part and component that could possibly be needed to fix the panels. It clearly had been organized at some point but there were cooling boxes and stray RAM modules tangled in a mess of wiring. I needed to clean this out sometime. I chucked the dead board in the waste box and rummaged around for a new GPU piece. I finally located a graphics card and tried to shove everything back in so it could be closed.

This wooden chest came in handy for many things: storage, a bench to eat hurried meals on, a table for writing the daily reports, and a very uncomfortable bed if need be. I had been spending a lot of time sitting on it over the last few hours, trying desperately to stay awake and think through this shift.

With the new board in hand, I walked over to the panel and sat down hard on the floor. I was still mad. I flipped the panel off and started searching for the necessary wires I needed for the repair. After another ten minutes of connecting things into the right places, I tried it again. A whirring started and the screen flashed green as it loaded. I could taste blood from biting my lip too hard. The rudder arena of the screen shook and flickered. Text blurred in and out of focus as the rudder model made it's fuzzy entrance. With a final flash, the screen became readable and the images sharpened. It worked.

"Yes!" I cried, pumping my fist in the air. "Take that you bloody, bilge water circuit, scabby bladder suckin' cockroach! You sickenin', backstabbing weasel of a dung heap board! Ha, eat my laser bullet!"

I had just let out the most satisfying sigh of relief of my life when my blood ran freezing cold. Hair stood on the back of my neck as my eyes widened in realization. Panic attacked my chest as I listened desperately for movement above me. How could I make such a glaring mistake? How have I let my guard down? No citizen of Her Majesty's Galactic Empire would ever utter those words. Unless... Unless they were the dirtiest of lowlifes, the scum of space, outlaws to the core. Pirates.

I couldn't breathe. My chest burned and vision was spotty from lack of air. I gasped into the back of my hand, trying to suppress the sound. I was wide awake now. I took quiet, shaking steps to the staircase and I crawled up slowly. I had to see if there were any witnesses and do some damage control if there were. Stopping just before my head would be visible, I listened for footsteps, conversations, anything that would indicate that a spacer was nearby. When I heard nothing, I slowly raised my head so my eyes could just barely see the deck. No one was around, or at least not close. It was still four in the morning so not many were awake but I did notice a large, broad horned spacer on watch near the bowsprit, quite far off. I didn't see anybody else so I prayed fervently that I was not overheard.

I stumbled downstairs and gripped the side of a panel until my knuckles were white. You could have gotten us killed just now! What in hellfire were you thinking? Idiot! Another slip up like that and we're basically begging to get murdered. Gods, what would you even say if you were caught? Were we just going to whine, "Oh, I'm sorry, it's all I've ever heard, I didn't know it was coarse language. Oh, Jim, Brent, don't kill a poor confused, stupid slave girl who didn't know any better, I'm so sorry, I won't do it again!" Even if we sniveled and begged, that's not a very convincing story. You're supposed to be wholesome and kind or something. Stupid, Alice! Don't pull a stunt like that ever again. This ship is making you go soft. I sighed and rubbed a sore hand over my tired face and thanked my lucky constellations.

Just a couple more hours until breakfast and then Mariano will be here too so he'll keep you awake. Hopefully. I started doing all the tasks and projects that needed the least amount of brain power. It felt like my body was throbbing from lack of sleep and the constant anxiety. The cursing incident didn't help calm my nerves at all. My stomach growled with hunger but I brushed it off, it was just one more problem with my failing body. I sat down on the bench and leaned over, putting my face in my hands. I was closing my eyes for one second, then I would move on.

The bell rang for breakfast. I must have fallen asleep like a fool. I wanted to curse as I ran up the stairs but I had learned my lesson from earlier. I slopped hot porridge in my bowl before I sprinkled some burtle berries on top. I grabbed a seed cake spread with a dark, sticky jam as well as some herb, mushroom and avian sausage. The food smelled better than usual but that might have been because I was very hungry. The heat emanating from the bowl was comforting and helped me wake up a bit. I was just about to walk away from the food before I realized I was missing the most crucial part of my breakfast. I had to elbow my way back into the line so I could fill my tankard with the scalding, fragrant brew that I desperately needed. The pungent beverage, lovingly nicknamed "star juice," had foam swirling on the dark indigo surface as I made my way to our table.

The tankard clunked as I set it down across from Mariano. I scanned the table but Jim was nowhere to be seen. I chatted with Blamey and Adri but both seemed tense. I couldn't blame them, stress seemed to be the general mood around the Nebula. The one person who didn't seem agitated was Brent, not surprising. It was either her strict academy training or her lack of emotion that kept her stone cold steady. She unnerved me, even though we had shared that weird moment where she told me Jim broke her heart. That was my only shard of proof that she was a human being with feelings.

I shuddered and turned my attention to Blamey. "Have you seen Jim at all? I know he's busy but it's like he's disappeared." I hoped I sounded casual and not too curious to know where he was and how he's doing.

Blamey was wiping his mouth with one of his huge tentacles that were a rust red with grey streaks today. He took a minute to take a swig of the bitter star juice before answering. "Aye, lass. E's been workin' 'imself to da bone tryin' to take care o' this crew. I think e's fixin' da sloops so we don't have another accident like the last time. Tha's where I've been seein' 'im. Tha' boy's gonna 'urt 'imself workin' tha' 'ard."

I could only smile as the giant of a spacer shook his head in concern for the captain. He was a funny mixture of pure kindness and joviality but also had a temper hotter than a dwarf sun. He sat upright and adjusted his three cornered hat, throwing a careful tentacle over my shoulders. "Lass, I don't wanna be seein' you work too 'ard either, ye 'ear me? You young'uns think there's no end to your… Ahh, there ye go, lass. There's the cap'ian now."

I felt my shoulders tense immediately and wished Blamey wouldn't feel anything. I watched as Jim distractedly trotted down the stairs. He had dark, greasy looking smudges across his shirt and bare forearms, presumably the same stuff he was wiping off his hands. He scrubbed at his fingers one last time before shoving the rag in his belt so he could grab a dish. It seemed like I wasn't the only one watching him throw food in his bowl but everyone kept their heads down as he walked too quickly over to our table. I froze, realizing the only empty seat was right in front of me between Adri and Mariano. I felt hot and unprepared for an encounter with Jim in such close proximity. But before I could devolve into a panic attack, Jim saw the problem too. Without hesitating or acknowledging me he gestured for Mari to scoot down so he could sit in his seat. Mariano didn't seem to have an issue with that or think that it was weird so he slid in front of me.

"You going to drink that?"

"What?" I blinked.

"Are you going to drink that?" Mari repeated, indicating my now cold star juice.

"Oh, no. Take it." I said as I passed it to him. He flashed one of his breathtaking smiles before he drained my tankard in one go. He grinned devilishly and let out a loud burp. We laughed and I waved a hand in front of my face to avoid the smell but as I did so, I saw Jim watching the interaction. His eyes looked tired and dark but there was a hint of a smile on his face. That was encouraging. I shifted toward him ever so slightly and made eye contact. He met my glance with an empty expression. I offered a half smile, not sure if I should talk to him. He held my gaze for a second longer before looking away, unfazed. There was a sinking sensation in my chest as I watched him start a conversation with Mari while completely ignoring me.

There was no need to stay. Jim's actions spoke volumes. I winced as I stood up and my dishes clattered. I just wanted to fade into the background. I dropped by the galley sink to dispose of my dishes before leaving the mess hall, resisting the urge to look back at him. There was nothing to see but a complicated failure. I couldn't discern if I was still on his good side, this may be bad. I groaned internally.

I was only in the control cabin for a few minutes before Mari joined me. I liked Mariano and was usually in a good mood around him so that's what I tried to fake now. I smiled and shook my head to wake up. I forced myself to walk over to a panel so he wouldn't see me swaying with exhaustion.

He jumped off the last step and cracked his knuckles. "Alright, let's do this thing! Catch me up on what happened this morning."

"Uh," I stammered, pinching the bridge of my nose as if trying to coax my memories back into existence. "I mean there was that issue with the capstan but you already know that from yesterday, I worked on it for like two hours but I'm still stumped. The central processing unit needed some tweaking but it's good for now. Oh, I did figure out that blasted PCU for the rudder. I swear I recircuited it twenty times before I ditched for a new one. Other than the foremast data, I think that's everything." I finished weakly. I sagged against the panel as my legs threatened to give out on me.

I saw him narrow his eyes for a second before saying, "Impressive, that circuit board shorted out on me too when I tried. How long has your shift been? You got a lot done."

"Umm, give me a sec." My face felt cold and dead as I scrubbed at it with my hands. "I started at 19:00, so you know, not that long ago."

He pursed his lips and frowned. We both knew that meant I'd been awake 15 hours and I only had a four hour break after this shift. "Well, get out of here." He demanded abruptly.

"What?" My brain was dead.

"I said get out. You're no use to me here."

"Hey!"

"I mean it, it makes no sense for you to be here and you're dying of exhaustion. I need you to be okay for tomorrow so go sleep. I'll be here until 16:30, don't you dare step back in here until then." He said grimly, still frowning.

"No! Mari, you have all that stuff Brent assigned you too! Not to mention she'll kill me if she finds me slacking." I tried to fight him as he wrapped his cool hand around my arm and dragged me up the stairs. My skin felt like ice under his touch. The last stair caught me off guard and I stumbled into his back. He shot his other arm out to stop me before I hit the deck with surprising speed.

"Whatever, Brent can deal with me. At this rate, she's already killing you. I doubt Jim knows about this, he wouldn't do this to you."

"Ha, I'm not so sure." I mumbled.

Mari searched my face intently. "Is something up between you two? I could have taken a slice out of the tension down at breakfast." He steered us sharply around the mast and continued to watch my face in a disconcertingly piercing stare.

My thoughts were slow and I wasn't sure what I should say. I almost tripped in an attempt to shrug as I replied, "It's nothing. There was just some… miscommunications you could say. I don't think he liked an answer of mine but I'm just guessing because he won't even acknowledge me now. Never mind, it's fine. Don't worry about it."

He snorted beside me but didn't press me any further. We reached the cabin hallway and I expected him to leave me there but Mariano marched me straight to my door and waited for me to unlock it and step inside. I did so and sent him off with a little wave that both thanked him and promised I would get some sleep.

Everything was foggy and blurred. I felt numb because it took ages for information to reach my brain. I slipped off all of my clothes except my long shirt before crawling into my unmade bed. Peace.

What was happening? There was some sort of noise coming from somewhere nearby but I couldn't identify the location nor the sound. As my brain woke up, the realization of what was going on trickled into my thoughts like thick honey. It was knocking. Frantic knocking. On the wall? The floor? It must be my door because it was exceptionally loud. I shook myself and propped my elbow underneath me. My words were slurred but I managed to ask what was going on.

"Alice! Alice, get out here! It's two hours before the launch, I need you!" Mariano practically yelled at me.

I jumped out of my bunk and started dressing as fast as possible. "What do you mean? How long have I been asleep, Mari?" I had rarely felt this panicked in my life. No matter what I did to slow my breathing it didn't help the choking feeling in my throat.

"Brent needed me for something else and I didn't have time to wake you and by the time I did, I had forgotten completely. Look, I'm sorry but we have to go now!" The tension in his voice rang around in my brain and threw more weight onto my heavy chest.

I yanked my door open and we pounded down the hallway, not even bothering to shut any doors behind us. The deck was deceptively quiet but I knew that was because everyone was glued to their current tasks. We both slipped on the stairs as we crashed into the control cabin. Panels were flashing and several buzzers and alarms were drowning each other out. Mari and I knew this was from pure neglect and this chaos could be a major setback to the impending mission if we didn't get this under control fast.

Everything had felt so overwhelming I thought it couldn't get any worse. But staring at the mess before us threatened to suffocate me. I didn't even notice I was pulling on the hair at the base of my neck until Mariano grabbed my elbow and gave me a hard look. I had to pull myself together. I knew my breathing must sound like a sputtering engine but I was focused on trying not to pass out as I ran over to the panels. My eyes flew over every detail of the screens and control boards as I tried to form some sort of triage for all the problems screaming at me.

Eventually my heart rate slowed and my jaw ached from clenching it so hard in determination. I was getting close to finishing my last major issue with this panel and I was racing to finish it so I could move on to one of the other seven panels that needed our attention. I slammed my left index finger into the button that locks recent progress so it wouldn't slip into disarray when I switched panels. I took a quick step back to evaluate where I should go and almost collided with Mari as he jumped on the same panel I was moving to. I stumbled over to another screen that seemed about to explode and assessed the damage there. Blast. This was the communication system that was directly connected to the long boats and the radios taken down for the landing. If I didn't fix this before they left, we would lose any message they sent our way, including a SOS. I could lose Jim if he were in trouble and couldn't reach us.

The com system had me stumped. The bit of code that was supposed to relay information was broken down into even smaller pieces - called threads - and some of them weren't lining up. It was nearly impossible to run through every string of code to identify to break in the thread and it would take far too long to attempt to rewrite. Panic was rising in my chest and I felt sick. I had never been particularly good at solving codes because all the ships I had worked on were older, simpler models. The codes were less important on those because the majority of the systems were hard wired in and there was little to no digital data. That of course made the ships slower and unwieldy in situations that demanded quick action but it also meant there was less information that would disconnect itself if left unattended.

My eyes were stinging and I wasn't sure if it was the cold sweat sliding down my face or if I was crying out of desperation. I couldn't do this. I was helpless and it could be Jim's life on the line.

"Mari!" I croaked. "I don't know what to do with the com system. I can't fix it, I tried, I really did. I'm so sorry..."

I couldn't finish because my voice broke at the same time Mariano pushed me out of the way and snapped his fingers in the direction where he wanted me to work. I had never seen him like this before, so quiet and coldly focused. But I doubt he had seen me like this before either. I didn't think about that long as I applied myself to the panel in front of me. These issues were easier to manage. I dragged my sleeve over my face to ground myself and started flipping levers.

Time had passed at a frightening speed but we had also made significant progress. Our main focus had been to deal with any problems pertaining to the mission and then shift over to the Nebula's complications. The last thing that affected the launch was a faulty wire in the hatch door lever, the one you pulled to open the door below the sloop to exit. Mari was engrossed in the fourth panel so I grabbed the stuff I needed and headed toward the sloop bay. Anxiety made my feet move faster than what was necessary but I didn't care to correct it. I'd have to work fast anyway because the crew wouldn't be able to leave until I fixed it so I moved faster still. I was half way down the hall leading to the bay when I heard the bell system crackle to life.

"Casting off." Jim rapped out.

What? How could they be departing with a broken lever? I was jogging down to check out the problem when the thought hit me: this might be the last time you see him if something goes wrong. My heart froze and I fully sprinted down the stairs and onto the walkway suspended above the hatch door just in time to see the longboat disappear from view. I sank to my knees like I had been kicked in the stomach.

The hatch door latched shut with a dull clunk leaving me in the semi darkness. It's not like anything would have changed if I had gotten here sooner but I felt stranded and alone with him gone. Suck it up, Alice. What were you going to do? Beg him to stay? He was leaving whether you liked it or not, plus, you're not on the best terms with him anyway, he wouldn't have listened. Idiot. It's out of your hands now, he'll have to take care of himself and in the meantime, we'll cope like we always do.

I picked myself off the walkway and went to fix the lever, my original goal. As I neared the wall I noticed the grill was hanging open so I could see the exposed wires. Upon closer inspection, the deft handiwork was apparent. It was a quick fix no doubt, but it was still excellently done. Jim. I knew he was the one on that crew who could do this so quickly. I felt a sad smile cross my face, why was he so good at everything? Why did I care about him? Why did I push him away?