Content warning: Hi everyone! This oneshot is not safe for kids as there are multiple mentions of condoms and sex. However, there are no graphic details nor in-depth discussions. Enjoy!

It all started when Rudy found the packet on the floor of the Men's Parlour.

A rather innocuous thing with bright plastic packaging that could be mistaken for a sweet wrapper. With the Selected at breakfast, Rudy was overseeing transformation of their common lounge for a Nerf game in the afternoon. It required a lot of shifted furniture and upturned coffee tables.

But as the guards, including his husband Joseph and his friend Naomi, picked up the sofas or covered the plants in thin sheets, Rudy found himself distracted by the little thing nestled on the floor. Discarded, most likely, by accident. He stooped and picked it up, but the moment he felt it in the pads of his fingers he recoiled.

"This," he pronounced, "is a condom."

A tiny, square packet he'd mistaken for a candy was, in fact, very much not that. Ostensibly, at least. The text emblazoned on the front said it was blueberry flavour.

"What?" Joseph called from the far side of the room. In his captain's uniform, he barely had a drop of sweat to show for all the hauling and manoeuvring he'd done. Rudy ushered him over.

"I found this on the floor," he said in a quiet voice.

Joseph examined it for a moment, then smirked. "Whoops. Is that mine?"

"You know full well it isn't."

"You're right. You don't like blueberry."

"Hilarious." Still, Rudy thanked his lucky stars that the other guards were too far away, because the blush that overcame him was not at all professional. "I'm trying to be serious here. Why are the Selected carrying condoms? Do they intend to engage in hanky-panky with the princess?"

"I think you have to give Her Highness a little more credit than that." Joseph laughed. "Also, the hell you calling it hanky-panky?"

"But she has blueberries for breakfast every morning," Rudy said, ignoring him. "This cannot be a coincidence."

"I mean… blueberry's not an uncommon flavour. They probably all just carry condoms out of habit."

Rudy grimaced. "But… why?"

"In case they find someone else who's in the mood to use it." Joseph sized Rudy up like he was looking at him for the first time. "You've never carried condoms around in, say, your wallet?"

"You carry condoms in your wallet?"

He winked and whispered, "Good thing I do or we wouldn't have had so much fun in that closet yesterday."

"You and I recall folding laundry very differently."

"The marks on your shoulders say otherwise."

"You were attempting to distract me."

"Think I succeeded."

Rudy scoffed. "You're sordid."

Joseph grinned. "Only with you, my love."

"Would you two stop making googly eyes at each other and tell us where you want this damn armchair?" Naomi yelled from the back.

"Sorry." Rudy rubbed his temple. "Just by the wall is fine." Then, to Joseph, "But to carry protection in the palace? The Selected? This is the last place I'd hope any of them would engage in sexual activity."

"You're thinking way too hard about this. It probably dropped out of a pocket that someone forgot was there." Joseph placed a kiss on Rudy's forehead and stepped back, speaking louder. "Now, are we covering the piano, or are we moving it first?"

End of conversation. For Joseph at least. Not for Rudy. He'd uncover this mystery and would not rest until he knew, in every fibre in his being, that the princess was safe from these sexual piranhas. He relaxed his clenched hand enough to pocket the condom.

"How's it going? With the Selected boys?"

Roy's question was of genuine interest. Lounged on his chaise longue in his quarters as the fire blazed the evening away, the king flicked a pen lazily between his fingers as he watched Rudy wander around the lounge, picking at dust on the photo frames of him and Cami on the wall. Rudy was tired, but he couldn't say no to an earnest request for a chat from a friend.

"Quite fine. Nothing unusual to report."

"Good, good. Whew, down to seventeen already! I might actually have to start meeting them now. Getting to know some of them."

Rudy smiled. Roy had been a little reluctant to get to know Princess Gail's Selected, partly because he didn't want to get attached, and partly because he had his own demons about Selections and Selected. He'd dressed it up as business but Rudy knew the king much better than sometimes Roy himself.

"I do have some alarming news." From his pocket Rudy produced the packet. "I found this the other day, in the Men's Parlour."

Roy turned the condom in hand. "Well, this isn't a conversation I thought I'd ever want to have. Don't suppose you know who's this is?"

Rudy shook his head.

"Hmm." Roy handed it back to Rudy. "Has Gail said anything?"

"Not a thing."

"Well I, er, support her in whatever she wants to do. If that means…" he shut his eyes, mouth thinning into a line, "if that means she wants to have sex, so be it."

"You're taking this rather well, considering."

"Oh yes, because there's nothing I want to talk about more than my younger sister having sex. I'm not at all nauseous at the thought."

"Fair point." Rudy pocketed it. "I'm trying to figure out who owns it. For Her Highness' safety."

"Gail can take care of herself. When she was sixteen I was teaching her a jujitsu technique and I told her to punch me in the face. She punched me, and now I have phantom pain every time I see her hands in a fist."

Rudy scoffed. "You act like I've forgotten wheeling you to the infirmary. You act like I've forgotten that I said it was a bad idea."

"Touché. I'm just saying, I'd like to see any of these boys try to inappropriately touch her. Plus she's smart. I think she knows to be safe if and-or when she… decides to do it."

"All right, and if they're not using the condoms for Her Highness?"

Roy darkened. "Now that would require intervention, yes. You suspect something?"

"I'm not sure, though I definitely feel there are some candidates who would be more likely to… flout the rules." Rudy resisted the urge to correct the alignment of Roy's photo frames – he was technically only here as a guest of Roy – and sank into the chair opposite him. "I think further investigation might be a good idea, just to check there isn't anything untoward going on."

Eyes going to the ceiling, Roy pondered this for a few moments. "Do what you need to do. Just tell me and Gail if you have any real suspicions. I don't want her to get hurt."

It wasn't until Rudy discovered Kingsley and Avian in the hallway whispering that Rudy's haunches rose again.

"—believe it! Do you think they actually fornicated? I never would've taken him as the sort…"

Avian snorted. "I highly, highly doubt it, bruh. Have you met Max?"

Kingsley shook his head and let out a growl.

"Besides the point, my young, naïve apprentice. He's competition."

"I'm not naïve," Avian said through a scowl.

Max? Rudy had heard enough. He slid out from his spot in the corner with his hands behind his back, approaching the two with what he hoped was a daunting expression. "What are you two doing?"

Both Kingsley and Avian spun around. Their hands flung behind their backs. Kingsley's shock quickly melted for an easy smile, but his compatriot Avian – perhaps this was young and naïve of him – pinched his cheeks in mock innocence.

"Why, we were just admiring the view of the window, Mr Bezuidenhout-Leeuwenhoek," said Kingsley, flashing pearly white teeth. It forced Rudy to squint. "Don't you think the gardens look sublime this time of year?"

Despite how harmonious the proper pronunciation of his surname sounded to Rudy's ears, he crossed his arms. "Save it, Kingsley. What's in your hands? Both of you?"

Slowly, they revealed their hands. Condoms. So many condoms. At least ten, stuffed between their grips.

Rudy snatched one and inspected with narrowed eyes. Midston BBQ flavour. Rudy baulked.

"Dear lord." Frankly, he was too speechless to say anything else.

Taking the opportunity as smoothly as one would grease hair with butter, Kingsley dumped all the condoms into Rudy's open palms. Some fell onto the carpet. "Avian and I had teamed up to bust an underground condom ring, you see."

"An underground… condom ring…"

"That's right. Someone is going around dealing out condoms for money. I think some people are hoping to get lucky with the princess."

"And that someone," Rudy fixated his furrowed brow on them both, "wouldn't happen to be you?"

"Of course not! You know some of these boys. So jealous they can't stand to be in my presence. No one will tell me the main players in the condom economy so I've been forced to do it myself, for Her Highness' sake."

"And you, Avian?"

He shrugged. "They, er, think I'll prattle."

"You don't strike me as a snake, Avian."

"You do have a big mouth," mused Kingsley.

Avian grinned. "Goes with my big—"

"Please don't finish that sentence." Rudy stuffed the condoms in his pockets. "I'll have to get to the bottom of this. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Kingsley and Avian. So you can tell the rest of the Selected, I'll let you know now that anyone caught partaking in this illicit economy will be reprimanded, and worse, anyone partaking in any illicit use of condoms will be strictly punished."

Oh, the look on their faces was so worth it. Rudy kept his composure before he turned around and strode off, and only until he heard their terrified muttering did Rudy allow himself a satisfied smile.

It was a sturdy knock at the door that drew Max to the door, cracking it open a smidgen to peer out before allowing Rudy to see the full breadth of his room. Neat, tidy, adorned with bare minimum decoration. Max himself looked like he'd just come from the shower; his hair was wet and mussed, his body enveloped in a silk bathrobe. He removed an earbud.

"Can I help you, Mister Rudy?"

"I think you may be able to," Rudy said. "May I come in?"

Max settled on the edge of his bed whilst Rudy took the armchair. He decided almost instantly that this was the wrong move; Max was now at a higher elevation. Only slightly, but enough to feel like Rudy's authority and tone would be undermined.

"I've heard a disturbing rumour," he said, "regarding you and Princess Gail."

He stiffened at once. Interesting. Rudy tried not to let the body language delight his investigative acumen. It didn't mean anything, after all. Definitely didn't mean that he and the princess had done anything untoward together.

"What… have you heard?" asked Max in a level, but quiet voice.

"I'd like to know, for the princess' safety, whether you and she have engaged in sexual activity."

Startled, Max shook his head at once. "No, sir. I-I wouldn't— I'd never…"

"I see."

Max, now red in the cheeks, stared hard at his lap. "If you're talking about the other week, where Her Highness stayed in my bedroom until early morning, I swear we were just watching movies and sleeping. Drinking a little, too, but not sleeping together. Just… well, she fell asleep…"

Rudy had to admit, Avian's remark was right. I highly doubt it. Have you met Max? Rudy didn't think him the sort… though Rudy had wrongly judged people before.

"You're not lying to me, are you?"

"No, sir. Has… has Princess Gail said something?"

"No, but I just thought to follow up on the rumours. For what it's worth, I wouldn't be mad if you had done something. Only remaining vigilant for Gail's sake. I'd want to make sure she was being safe, is all. Incidentally," he tried to look down upon Max through his glasses, but instead had to tip his head up, "I wondered if you knew anything about this… condom ring that's brewing between the Selected?"

"A condom— what?"

Too bewildered to know anything. Rudy nodded once and stood. Max stood too.

"As it seems you know nothing, I won't say anything more, though I implore you to come to me with any information, all right?"

Max nodded.

Well, Rudy thought, as he shut the door behind him, slightly disappointed, that's one lead down the drain.

The next lead happened two weeks later, when the condom slipped out of Elliot's pocket in slow motion.

Rudy watched it fall. A myriad of emotions rattled his skull as the delicate package sank errantly, as if on a breeze, to the carpet. The Men's Parlour was bustling from a recent double elimination – Rudy wasn't sad to see either Maurice or Nicholas go, but the callousness of the live elimination subdued the aura of the others. Whether they missed the boys, or felt the ominous pall of the competition on them, the Selected huddled in the Men's Parlour with unusual quiet.

Elliot seemed to freeze, looking around desperately, and snatched the thing to hide in his blazer before anyone could comment. No one was paying him attention. Except Rudy.

Rudy closed his book and meandered to Elliot, who was hunched over one of JJ's essays.

"Good afternoon."

Elliot raised his head in surprise. "Oh, er, hi, Rudy."

"I see you dropped something. Mind telling me what it was?"

A blush ran rampant on Elliot's cheeks. "I-It's nothing."

Rudy raised an eyebrow. It was all Elliot needed to see before he slunk a reluctant hand into his pocket and produced the thing. Another condom. Startlingly it was chicken nugget flavour. Rudy had half the mind to judge Elliot's taste before he restrained himself.

"And why," he said quietly as he sat opposite him, "are you in possession of that?"

"A-All the boys are carrying them," Elliot protested. "Not just me."

"I see. Is that one you brought?"

"No. I got this from Jeremiah."

Jeremiah? Puzzled, Rudy nodded and stood up. Frankly Elliot did not have the guts to start this illegal trade, especially considering Rudy so frequently visited the Men's Parlour. Still, Jeremiah, of all people? He didn't seem like a likely candidate either. The waters were muddier than Rudy suspected.

Jeremiah was with Ansel one of the drawing rooms, playing a chess match. Both were deadly silent, even as Rudy entered and approached them. In the end Rudy had let Elliot keep the chicken nugget monstrosity. Princess Gail, he hoped, had a little more dignity.

"Good afternoon."

Neither looked up from the game. Rudy wasn't sure whether to be offended.

"Hi, Mr Rudy. Just… one second…" Jeremiah fanned his palm on his chin. After a moment, he moved his knight, rather lonely amongst the white sea of Ansel's pieces. "What's up?"

"Are you selling condoms?"

"Errrrrr." It was clearly the last thing Jeremiah expected. "No, sir. Why?"

Back to sir. Funny how the Selected afforded him respect whenever they were trying to cover up dastardly shenanigans.

"Why did I find Elliot in possession of one that he apparently purchased from you?"

Ansel's head flew up. "You're selling condoms?"

"I-I'm not!" Jeremiah said, blushing. "Sheesh. I just happened to have an abundance of them and we agreed mutually that he'd give me a few dollars for it. No big deal."

"Where did you get it?"

"Heard a rumour there was a whole box of them beneath the stairs in the Illéa Wing. Had a look, and sure enough, there it was."

"Where did you hear it?"

But Jeremiah frowned. "I can't remember. Sorry, sir. Why are you asking, anyway? Are we not allowed to carry condoms?"

Rudy sighed. "No, but the number I have been seeing recently is cause for alarm. I'm trying to prevent a possible scandal or, worst case scenario, treason."

"Well, you don't have to worry about us," Jeremiah said brightly. "We're too boring to break the rules. Especially Ansel."

"Should I be offended at that?" asked Ansel.

"It's a compliment."

"That's a stretch."

"I'm going to hold you both to that." Rudy stood up, took one look at the game, said "He's going to checkmate you in three turns." And, ignoring Jeremiah's suddenly gawked expression, headed out of the room.

A whole box? Surely it couldn't be true. Rudy marched with renewed purpose to the Illéa Wing and puttered down several flights of stairs. On the basement level, where servants flittered with trays and doffed their heads in greeting, Rudy swung around the bannister. Mostly there were crates of canned produce and dry foods imported from around the country, from around the world, but one box stood out in particular. It was cardboard and the flaps were open. Rudy peered inside.

No condoms, but there was a sheet of paper. A receipt, Rudy realised. The name and address had been ripped out, but it didn't take a genius for Rudy to deduce this was the box the condoms had been smuggled in through. Plus that it said 'Ajax condoms – assortment flavours x 50'.

Fifty of the damn things! Who on earth needs fifty? Rudy shoved the receipt into the box. This was deeper than he thought. The trail had gone cold, and with no one to pinpoint as a spreader of the rumours, Rudy had been left with nothing else but determination to go on. He could pull all the boys aside and demand answers, but that was a defeat; after all, he didn't want to terrify the boys. Only to teach them lessons. Such as the important ones of watching what they do in the palace with press, the temptations that may arise to sleep about, and safe sex. He would get to the bottom of this. For Gail's sake, for Roy's sake – hell, for the Selected's sake themselves. Did they have any idea what risks they were taking?

"E-E-Excuse me?"

Not a single one of the Selected boys had ever had the guts to interrupt Rudy in conversation, and definitely not with Roy. He might've not realised it, but Roy's gaze brought fear into the Selected's eyes by his mere presence. No amount of vain jokes or teasing would make him relatable to the boys.

Still, Parker tried his very best not to lose his nerve as he stood a pace away from both Roy and Rudy. Rudy had been trying to talk to Roy regarding the Cami's impending return – there was much to organise, and Rudy didn't know how, ahem, romantic Roy wanted their reunion to be. Petals? Candles? Memorable photos, her favourite dinner? Or perhaps keep the occasion sombre, given the circumstances of their separation? Roy was woefully unhelpful to Rudy, who was trying desperately to organise something.

Roy rubbed his temple and faced Parker, prying his best smile from his melancholy. "Hello, Sir Zaleski. What's up?"

"I-I… er…"

"Is there something I can help with?" asked Rudy, hoping to ease Parker's stutter.

But Parker shook his head. "N-No, I… have to ask H-His Majesty if… I…"

They waited patiently. Parker took a moment to breathe deeply.

Then he blurted, "I wanted to ask His Majesty if he had any condoms I could borrow!"

Rudy had never wished for death more than in that moment.

Roy went white. "You… what?"

"No? You say no? O-Okay, never mind!"

Parker turned heel and sped so fast he became a blur of blond curls.

Drenched in second-hand embarrassment, Rudy spun to face Roy. "I-I can assure you, I have no idea what prank—"

Roy burst out laughing. "Bwahahahah! What the hell was that? What on earth are you teaching them?"

"I-I insist I'm teaching them decorum and class!"

"Not sure about that, but Zaleski's got guts, I'll give him that." He lowered his voice, expelling the last chuckles under his breath. "I thought you had this condom thing under control?"

Rudy thought he did, too. Aggressively retying his ponytail, he said, "I've been trying to find the source of this."

"All right. Find it quick. As hilarious as it is, I don't want to be asked that by someone Gail's age ever again."

Rudy was quick to find his way to the Men's Parlour. To Parker, hiding behind a pot plant, as the other Selected boys cheered. Silas, Valerian, Kingsley and Avian amongst them. Mouths had never closed so fast when Rudy entered and honed his gaze on Parker.

"Explain yourself," he demanded. "Immediately."

"I-It's not what you think!" Parker said, holding up his hands. "It was a dare!"

"A dare—?" Rudy reeled back. "Why are you doing dares?"

"He lost a game of poker," Silas explained, like that was the most natural explanation in the world. "We decided to make it more interesting by introducing dares. Parker's dare was to ask the king for condoms."

"Have you… come to deliver them?" said Valerian, rather surprised.

"What—? No!" Rudy let out an aggravated sigh. "Never, ever, dare to even think about asking such foolish questions to anyone, let alone to the king. You can add bets and dares to your games if you'd like, but keep them professional and appropriate. Have I made myself clear?"

"Y-Yes, Mr Rudy," Parker squeaked. The other boys followed suit.

"Good."

Absolute morons, Rudy thought, as he left the room.

Rudy wasn't sure what compelled him, when his eldest daughter – though adopted – scooped a monster-sized portion of spaghetti onto her bowl and then took a swig of her fizzy lemonade. His mind was so preoccupied with this whole mess that perhaps the very look of the Bolognese activated his thoughts. He was certain, after all, that some schmuck had decided to invest in a spaghetti Bolognese flavoured condom.

"Zelda, do you perhaps know about the condom ring?"

Zelda spat out her lemonade all over her plate. "Wha— what the hell, Rudy!"

Joseph, who was preparing the high chair for June to sit at the table, rounded so fast on Rudy he could've been in pirouette.

"Now? Really?"

"I've just been thinking about it," Rudy said hotly.

June came bounding to the dinner table and yelled, "Papa! Papa!"

Joseph scooped her up and bundled her into the chair, secured her seat, and ladled a tiny amount of pasta onto the plate in one go. They were trying to break her into adult foods now that she was six.

Thank god she didn't hear the initial question.

Zelda dabbed her placemat with a tissue, grimacing. "Sheesh, you just gotta' come right out with it, don't you?"

"So you know about the, er, thingy ring?"

"What thingy ring?"

"The thingy ring that is currently selling thingies to the Selected."

"Someone's selling thingies to the Selected?"

"Yes, quite a few are in ownership of thingies. Parker asked the king about thingies just the other day."

Zelda choked on her drink again, this time with laughter. "Holy shi— er, shiitake mushrooms. Bet he lost a poker game. Did Uncle Roy give him any thingies?"

"Of course not!" Rudy kneaded his temple with one hand and aggressively spun pasta on his fork with the other. "I'm just asking if you know about the thingy ring."

"What's a thingy?" asked June.

"It's— er," Joseph looked desperately at Rudy.

"A… spoon," said Rudy, glancing at the kitchen for a second where he'd abandoned the wooden spoon he used to mix the sauce. "Yes. A spoon."

"Spoon!" June yelled, clapping her hands.

"Eat your pasta, June," Joseph said exasperatedly.

"I don't know anything about a spoon ring, Rudy," said Zelda. "As hilarious as it sounds. Why? Boys aren't allowed to carry spoons now, are they?"

"I didn't say that," levelled Rudy. "I'm only concerned about how many spoons there are—"

"Gail thinks hand-holding is lewd. Don't think you should worry about spooning."

"Lewd!" cried June.

"Of all the words you could've picked out, not that one, please," said Joseph, who was wiping June's cheeks of Bolognese sauce. "Can we save this conversation for later?"

"All right," said Rudy at the same time as Zelda, who was giggling to herself.

They ate in silence for a moment.

"Condom!" yelled June.

"No!" yelled Joseph.

Just after the announcement of the Elite, Rudy had taken Princess Gail aside and admitted to there being this secret condom ring. Surprisingly she took it well, though, Rudy supposed, she probably had the recent elimination on her mind too much for any more of her mental brainpower to waste away on something that wasn't really her problem.

Still, it gave Rudy free rein to uncover the Condom Colluder, once and for all. With there now being ten boys, and Rudy still finding the things in random places – inside plant pots, under the armchairs in the Men's Parlour, shoved to the back of hallway desk drawers – he was certain one of Gail's current Selected was the cause of the problem. One of ten.

Avian, Ben, Elliot, Kajika, Kingsley, Max, Sheng, Silas, Soren, and Yamato.

If he ruled out Kingsley and Avian, Elliot and Max, it left six possible culprits. Rudy pulled on all he knew. Truth be told, Silas and Ben seemed like the most likely suspects; Silas was cool and whip-smart, brainy enough to start this scheme, and Ben was too, though he'd probably do it for the giggles. Still, Rudy didn't want to rule out the other four: Kajika, Yamato, Soren and Sheng. It didn't align with their personalities, Kajika too kind, Yamato too uptight, Soren too uninterested and Sheng too stoic for any such ideas, but Rudy wanted to be thorough. After all, people could surprise.

What better way than to approach Sheng first?

He found him at the stables, outside his small family home that he shared with his father, Senior Mah. A politer, more beseeching version of Sheng, Senior Mah whistled as he and Sheng swept the yard for stray bits of hay.

"Good afternoon."

Senior Mah jolted and spun. "Mister Bezoodenhoot-Leewenhook!" He propped the broom to the side and immediately went to shake Rudy's hand. "So lovely to see you here! What can we do for you? Is Sheng needed for something?"

The mangle of his surname slapped Rudy unpleasantly, but Senior Mah was grinning so brightly it was impossible to feel mad. "Yes, actually. Sheng, if we could talk in private?"

Sheng frowned, but propped his broom the same and led Rudy to around the stables, where the royal horses were hoofing at the dirt. The smell was rich and ripe with dung, and Rudy pinched his nose. Outdoor work did not suit him at all.

"Is something the matter, sir?" asked Sheng.

"I have come regarding something quite concerning that I would like to put to bed sooner rather than later," he began his rehearsed spiel with gusto. "It concerns Princess Gail's safety and health."

Sheng's eyes widened – a fracture in his brooding persona that Rudy had never seen. "What's wrong with her? Is she hurt?"

"Not at all. However, as a vanguard of her wellbeing, I must ask, rather point-blank: are you aware or involved within the condom ring that is currently occurring within the Selection?"

If it was possible for eyebrows to lift of his head and take orbit, Sheng's almost did. "I— no, sir. Condoms?"

"Yes."

"Has Princess Gail… been using them?"

"I don't think that's at all an appropriate question to ask," he chided.

Sheng went a little red. "Yes. You're right. I'm sorry. I just… don't want her to get hurt. No, I didn't know about any condom ring."

"I see." Disappointing, but not surprising. "Thank you. If you hear anything, report it to me immediately."

"Of course."

They rounded the corner, and Rudy jumped. Senior Mah was a step away.

"Oh! Don't mind me. Just sweeping."

"Of course." Rudy looked at Sheng. "Do be prompt for dinner today."

As he walked away, he heard the distinct voice of Senior Mah hissing, "Have you been doing hanky-poo with Her Highness?!"

Rudy had never considered a night-time stroll would lead him places in his investigation.

He hadn't been able to sleep; Roy had been working full-time to lessen the blow of the Rebel Resurgence's activities. They'd been campaigning all over Illéa, and recently many of their protests had turned violent, and though it was most Roy's job to make decisions on how to handle the issue, it was gnawing Rudy with worry. There were so many other things to think about, too. The Selection, in general. The Prime Minister's Banquet in two weeks. Zelda. The Elite. Roy and Cami.

Condoms weren't even drifting in his peripheral thoughts when he borrowed a torch from his bedside table, threw on a dressing gown, and headed out of his quarters, shutting the door gently behind him so as not to disturb his sleeping husband.

The patrols were wide-awake as he passed them, nodding his head as he did. The palace at night was an eerie landscape, silent as the planets in far-off space. The very din of the pipes in the walls sent jolts up Rudy's spine, but he rubbed his eyes with his free hand and headed down the stairs for the servants' kitchens. Light burnt into his eyes and he shut off the torch. Here, the night staff would take pity on him and make him his guilty pleasure treat: hot chocolate. Always tasted better than the instant stuff Rudy had in his cupboard in his family quarters.

"— sure you haven't got the name wrong?"

Rudy tiptoed the last step, coming almost face-to-face with a frazzled delivery man and one of the night attendants, impeccably dressed in a suit with tailcoats. His nickname was Plait, so called because of his long, blond hair that he kept in a plait.

"Listen, man, I just deliver. I don't care who it's for. It's addressed for here and has all the paperwork in order."

"But I'm telling you, this cannot be for us—" Plait startled at the sight of Rudy. "Mr Rudy! Oh, goodness gracious…"

"What seems to be the issue?" Rudy's voice was a croak.

The delivery man rolled his mouth and handed Rudy a document. "Delivery for Mr Danger."

Rudy looked at the sheet.

Ajax condoms – assortment flavour x 100.

Then he saw the delivery address.

Mr Dick Danger

Royal Palace of Illéa

Los Angeles

Angeles Province

No mistaking it was someone here. Rudy's mouth went dry instantly. His stomach folded in on itself.

"I-I can assure you," he spluttered, foisting the note back to the delivery driver and going ripe-red. "We do not have a— a Dick Danger here!"

"I just deliver," repeated the driver. Then he gestured to the cardboard box, closed with tape. "It's already been paid for, and I ain't lugging that back to my truck."

Without any word, he tipped his hat and was off back through the doors to the loading bay. Rudy's fury stirred from his slumber. So now the Condom Culprit was using pseudonyms to enact his nefarious plans! This was getting absurd!

"Who'd buy so many?" whispered Plait, staring at the box with a haunted expression.

Rudy crumpled the delivery note. "I've been trying to find out."

He tore forwards and ripped off the tape and, sure enough, there lay two modest-sized boxes, fifty condoms in each. The flavours were the absolute worst: mayonnaise, durian, sea bass…

"Well, I mean…" Plait chuckled nervously. "It's free condoms, right?"

It took Rudy a moment to understand what he meant. "Have some decorum, Plait! We are professionals!" He paused. "And for goodness sake, surely you and your wife can do better than…" he picked one up, "… Porridge flavour."

"My wife quite likes porridge."

"Utterly besides the point." Rudy let out a groan. "At this rate, I will never find out—"

"Caught you!"

The beam of light from the torch dissipated immediately… once Kingsley stepped into the light of the corridor. Then his face slackened.

"Mr Rudy?"

"Kingsley!" Rudy was just as shocked. "What on earth—? Why are you out of bed?"

"Investigating, sir!" Kingsley said. Then frowned. "I know you've been so busy helping our glorious king with his work, so I decided to take matters into my own hands, and I've been hot on the trail of the Condom Conspirator as I knew they'd have them delivered today! I came to catch them out and I find… you! You have been ordering condoms?"

Rudy was too nonplussed to say anything a moment. "O-Of course not! I happened to come down here by chance! You, on the other hand," he said, approaching Kingsley in some attempt to regain composure, "have been caught with many of these things before!"

Kingsley bristled at the accusation. "I have been nothing but compliant with the laws of the Selection."

"How did you know to come down this evening, then?"

"I—" Kingsley raised his head. "I overheard the guards talking about it."

Rudy leered at him. It was either a beautiful lie or the horrid truth, because there was no way to prove it real. Rudy could not interrogate every guard in the entire palace – and they were rotated in and out often enough that his sources might not have even been here anymore. Either way, it eked the spotlight off Kingsley. For now.

Despite the fact that, frankly, he was probably the only Selected with the guts to use a pseudonym such as Dick Danger.

Rudy dragged his hand down his face. It was too late for this.

"Go back to bed, Kingsley. Now. And next time, you will report anything you find to me, not gallivant around the palace to do the detective work yourself. I will handle it."

"Of course, sir. Good night, sir."

Kingsley spun on his heel. Rudy grimaced as he watched him go. He was definitely not certain Kingsley was entirely innocent, but with no other hints as to the real identity of – and he shuddered to even think it – Dick Danger, there was nothing more that could be done tonight.

When he was gone, Plait looked between Rudy and the box.

"So… can I?"

Rudy groaned. "Yes, yes, fine. Go ahead."

He decided not to comment when he saw Plait take the porridge-flavoured one, and headed back upstairs for his quarters. With the adrenaline rush of Kingsley's sudden appearance replacing a warm drink in his belly, he was feeling even less tired than when he'd first woken up. Trudging back to his quarters, he stowed away the torch, dressed down and climbed back into bed.

"Where'd you go?" mumbled Joseph, rolling over and curling his arms around Rudy.

"Investigating," Rudy answered, frustrated at himself.

"Ah, condoms?"

"Yes."

"Cool." A beat. "Did you get the box of them I ordered?"

"What?" Rudy shrieked.

But then Joseph chuckled, and Rudy realised he'd been had.

"You're horrible."

"Only for you, my love."

Rudy prodded him playfully on the arm. Then settled back into bed. "Yeah, yeah."

"You'll find them. The Elite pool's narrowing. It's only a matter of…" Joseph's eyes closed, "… time."

Next thing, he was snoring again. Rudy lay awake, staring at the ceiling.

His last attempts at interrogating the others of the Elite had proved fruitless. It was like no one knew who had started the condom ring, yet there was the evidence, in a box downstairs. It filled Rudy with renewed purpose.

He'd find this mysterious Dick Danger. He'd find the faker in the Elite. He'd find out whether they were committing acts of treason or not.

Joseph was right. It was only a matter of time.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this wild, whacky oneshot I've been slowly working on for months. This is simultaneously the stupidest thing I've ever written and also the most beautiful thing, because... funny flavours heheheh.

So Rudy investigates! Feat. Durudy, Kingsley, awkward Selected, night-time strolls, dares, and... spoons. I cannot take full credit for this, so you all can entirely blame the Discord for giving me such hilariously weird oneshot ideas.

Happy new year as well! TRATR is coming along nicely, but needs a little more baking time before it's ready, so I decided instead to finish this and post in its stead. Thanks for your patience! And perhaps you'll see how Rudy's investigations come to an end in the main story...

Let me know what you thought! Thanks for reading!

~ GWA