Cosima rushes through customs at the airport. Not being Canadian has its delays. She waits for them to go over her passport and PR card. Her boobs hurt and she feels totally blah. And she has to get busy, has to get so much done.
"You live here?" The clerk asks her, observing the number of stamps on her well-used passport.
"Yes. In Toronto, for almost four years." Cosima responds, again pointing at her PR card. Sometimes she thinks she should go for dual citizenship like Delphine did last year. But while France and Canada allow Delphine to hold dual-citizenship, the US is less progressive.
She checks her phone, seeing a text from Scott asking how the whole thing went. She'll have to catch up with him later. She waits for her baggage, lazing scrolling on her phone. Delphine texting her another picture of the belly. Sarah texting her asking if she'd heard from Kira. And finally Alison with just two words. Call me .
Cosima quickly dials Alison, at least that one is clear. And she has the time.
"Hey Alison. I just got your text. What's up?"
"What's up? Delphine told me your plane was coming in 40 minutes ago."
"Ehh, that sounds about right. We had a fifteen minute delay and I had to go through customs…"
"Got it. So it's time to talk planning." Alison tells her firmly, as if she expects Cosima to know what she is talking about.
"Planning?" Cosima repeats blanky. She cannot recall agreeing to plan anything with Alison. She wracks her mind to see if anything is coming up.
"So have you given it any thought?" Alison's voice rings out clearly from her phone speaker.
"Umm…. what any thought?" Cosima responds.
"Your baby shower. Delphine told me I had to talk to you. We have to do this now." Alison tries to jog her memory.
"Yeah dude, I am like defending my dissertation in a month. I am not thinking of anything but epigenetic influences on clone cells right now." Cosima moves her way through the airport. Three weeks in Minnesota had been good for the last minute preparations with her advisors. But it had not been so great for her marriage. Or remembering the other important things in her life.
"Where are you?"
"Uhh still at the airport."
"Pearson?" Alison asks. "Great I'll come pick you up."
"Yeah and you don't have to do that."
"I do. Delphine said you'd barely looked at her online registry."
"For?"
"The baby. Cosima. Your baby. The one your wife is 26 weeks pregnant with." Alison reminds her sharply.
"Yeah. I know. I am having a baby." Cosima sighs. The more she says it, the deeper it sinks in. She can now feel the child kick from the outside. Not really wanting a baby very much didn't seem to make a difference in slowing this pregnancy down.
"Yes. You are. So we need to talk about the shower. Well, private clone shower anyway. I don't really want to bring Delphine's coworkers or ignorant friends into it. Details. I will throw it for you, Helena wants to help. All you and Delphine have to do is show up."
"You know this? This right here is exactly why Delphine and I eloped." Cosima laughs into her phone.
"Let's not open that can of worms again, OK? I can be at Pearson in less than 15 minutes. Is anyone else coming to get you?"
"Nope. Delphine is working and has yet another midwife appointment."
"Good. I'll see you in 15." Alison responds, before hanging up the phone.
Cosima curses. "Shit." She quickly grabs her suitcase off the conveyor belt and starts moving towards the main exit. This would be far from the silent uber ride home planned.
She watches Alison pull up in her new SUV. At least Delphine hadn't suggested they need an SUV. Or worse, a minivan.
"Hey Alison." Cosima waves and quickly hops into the car.
"So. We're planning the shower now. I'm taking you to lunch and Sarah is going to meet us there."
"And Helena?"
"Helena is taking her boys to kindergarten and then making soap." Alison brushes off the question. "I don't think those kids are ready for school. They're pretty wild."
"Well… they were like born in October… and there's research saying the maturity gap between kids born at the end of the year and the beginning lasts until like grade three. They will catch up… eventually."
"Can we not...tangent right now?" Alison demands. "I need your focus. I need you to find out what on the registry Delphine wants most for the baby. What you want most."
"Umm… I don't know. I mean I know Delphine wants a breast pump. And we still like need a crib and mattress."
"Yeah. I'm talking books, clothes, toys, bottles, baby swings, activity mats, bouncers, baby bathtubs, thermometers, pacifiers… do you want a diaper cake?" Alison continues rattling off items.
"A diaper what?" Cosima startles. "What even is that?"
"Are you going to cloth diaper then?" Alison asks. "I mean I didn't… there's one weird mom down the street who did… you are, aren't you?"
"I've never really like thought about it." Cosima states simply. "I mean, I think we shouldn't make a huge environmental impact if we can help it. But Delphine never brought it up so I have no idea what her feelings on cloth diapers are. But… I guess we need to talk about it."
"You need to talk about a lot of things." Alison grimaces at her. "Clearly. Cosima, that baby could be here in a couple short months. They can come early."
"Delphine said her midwife said first babies are usually a week late."
"Maybe. You just don't know. You need to get ready for this." Alison quickly takes the exit.
"Is this conversation going to entirely dominate lunch?"
"Yes. It is." Alison tells her, and all she can do is sigh. "Ooh that must be Sarah. Check my phone."
Cosima does, quickly checking the texts. "Kira showed up at Cal's five minutes ago. Sarah is no longer panicking and is on her way. With Felix. What kind of baby shower is this going to be?"
"There will be mimosas. Presents. Catered brunch. It will be classy. You'll love it."
"No like stupid games smelling melting chocolate in baby diapers, right?" Cosima asks weakly, remembering the one and only baby shower she went to in her Master's degree.
"No.. Delphine nixed that. We're keeping it classy. I promise. We did invite Scott too… and were trying to think if there's anybody else clone-safe."
"Uh my parents? But they are… they're MIA half the time somewhere up the west coast." Cosima looks at her clone-sister helplessly for a few minutes. Her parents were aware of the baby, Delphine had sent them a nice card signed by both of them to their PO box in San Francisco. She hadn't really heard back yet.
"Great. You invite them. That's on you. Delphine's family… do they know?" Alison hints around the unsaid clone drama.
"No. Definitely not. They know me and that Charlotte is my little sister. That's all they know. And all Delphine wants them to know. Language barrier helps there." Cosima considers a moment. She doubts her well-to-do French in-laws would take it well. She presumes they'll mail some kind of gift. She knows they are aware of the baby.
"Is there anything you need to do to get ready? A nursery?"
"Kind of." Cosima answers. "Like, I think we need to combine our offices into my office on the 2nd floor to make Delphine's old office space baby-land."
"Donnie can move the furniture for you." Alison volunteers. "Assuming there's nothing too heavy."
"No. Delphine has a standing desk and an office chair and a mat. Some bookshelves. Nothing fancy." Cosima responds. "Donnie could disassemble and get it down the stairs."
"Good. I'll send Donnie this weekend. With Oscar. Just in case he needs help."
"Putting your teenager to work?" Cosima laughs a little.
"He needs to get off his playstation and do something." Alison says plainly. "He might as well help his dad."
"OK." Cosima nods. "My office is kind of… more complicated."
"Just hide your pot and drug paraphernalia. Donnie and Oscar can handle the furniture." Alison sighs.
"I'll move it all. I'll hide it in the kitchen." Cosima tells her.
"Good." Alison agrees. "Now, back to the shower. Do you want to go pink "it's a girl'? Would you prefer something more black and white? We need a colour scheme."
"Colour scheme?" Cosima repeats. "Umm rainbow?"
"No. Not rainbow. That will look messy." Alison groans. "Pastel rainbows maybe?"
"I want you here." Delphine tells Cosima insistently.
"I know… I know. I am totally here." Cosima tries to assure her wife. The midwifery clinic has a small waiting room with two couches and several chairs. She looks around nervously.
"Cosima.. They have seen lesbians before. It's fine." Delphine grips her hand and reads through one of the pamphlets from the table.
"Delphine, and Cosima. It's great to finally meet you." Bridget leans across to shake Cosima's hand. "We're in the usual room." She leads them to what looks like a cross between an examination room and an office.
"So, Delphine tells me you're not entirely comfortable with having a baby."
"You told her?" Cosima looks pointedly at her wife.
"Yes." Delphine answers simply.
"Well, we have our prenatal classes coming up. I recommend you both attend. It's four weeks, the sessions are wednesday evenings from 7 to 9 pm, and we'll cover birth, breastfeeding and care of the newborn."
"That sounds informative." Cosima answers.
"And here is your assigned reading." Bridget passes her a well- worn book.
"The Birth Partner?"
"It's heteronormative. But you really need to read it." Bridget tells them. "You need to be on the same page in what you're planning for the birth. And how you feel about interventions. And what you'll do if things don't or can't go to plan."
"But Delphine wants to be in the hospital anyway." Cosima looks between her wife and the midwife.
"Yes, but some complications require transfer of care. Others, we have to refer for consultation and then we can decide together how to proceed." Bridget is calm, relaxed. "I am curious about how the induction of lactation is going. We… we don't see it often. Like almost never so I am pretty curious."
"I mean, I am having tenderness? And I feel not great?" Cosima looks around helplessly. "But I am not committing to breastfeed or co-breastfeed for six months. Definitely not two years."
"I will try for two years." Delphine butts in. "I will follow World Health Organization recommendations."
"A great goal. My goal is to get you through the newborn period still nursing and have you feeling like things are going well by your discharge at six weeks postpartum." Bridget smiles. "And other goals? Well wait and see."
"Alright." Delphine agrees, seemingly calm for now.
"So let's do the tests. Urine first, we'll measure. Listen to baby's heartbeat and I will try to feel where the baby is lying."
"Sounds good." Cosima nods, feeling strongly like some of her knowledge gaps are about to be obliterated by her pleasant middle-aged midwife.
"Thank you, mon amour." Delphine whispers on her way out the door to fill the sample cup.
"Anytime." Cosima agrees. She will have to come to more of these. Have to try to mom like she has something to prove.
"OK. Baby stuff." Cosima leads Delphine into the ridiculously expensive baby store. "So… this is where you want to be?"
"Yes. This looks good." Delphine nods. "Shall we start with cribs?"
"I guess so." Cosima agrees. "So, what about that one?" She points at the closest white one.
"Cosima, all these cribs are huge." Delphine wrinkles her nose.
"What? No. They're standard size." Cosima shakes her head.
"Americaines." Delphine shakes her head, "in France, they are not this big. We do not need one this big. We need a smaller one, a French one, that will fit into our bedroom."
Cosima blanks. "Our bedroom?"
"Unless you want to be the one fetching the baby from the second floor to bring her to me to nurse in the middle of the night."
A new picture of their immediate future forms in Cosima's mind. "Nope. No. Definitely not. We'll… find a smaller one? Our bedroom is pretty big though. We could fit a crib in it."
"OK." Delphine looks at the cribs carefully. Looking at price, construction. Finally she appears to decide on one.
"This one?" Cosima asks. "It's wooden but modern looking. But relatively attractive. Converts to a toddler bed and then a full."
"Yes. I like this one." Delphine agrees. "We should get a bassinet as well. I guess."
Cosima snaps a photo of the tag on her phone. "Great. Now let's do the car seat."
"OK." Delphine agrees, instantly gravitating to the most expensive car seats in the store. Cosima sighs. Delphine's expensive tastes seemed excessive here. Especially on a seat a kid would outgrown by what? Their first birthday?
"Oh cloth or disposable Delphine?" Cosima asks suddenly. "Alison wants to know… something about a diaper cake? Sounds stupid to me but do you want that?"
"I want you to have an opinion. I want you to make a decision." Delphine urges her. "We can hire a car seat technician to help us with the install. But pick one. Have an opinion."
"Not the most expensive one." Cosima tells her. "This thing will last, what? About a year and then we will need to buy another one." Cosima looks for one that seems mid-range in price. "This one?" Cosima picks it up, and it seems light enough. At least without a baby in it.
"OK. I'll check reviews and ask questions. Put it on the registry for now." Delphine agrees. "Do you want to cloth diaper?"
"Umm yeah. I guess so? It'll be a lot less trash." Cosima considers this, tilting her head. "And maybe less expensive? I have to look it up."
"OK. Then you do the research. Buy us a stash. Or sign us up for a diaper service for the first three months and buy us time to make the decisions." Delphine tells her, biting her lip. "I cannot do everything. I need you to take some of this on."
Cosima looks pleadingly at her wife. "I just… I am not really into babies, Delphine. I mean they're cute and all… but I don't know anything about this shit."
"Me neither! But I am trying to learn. I need you to try with me." Delphine pleads with her. "You are mommy to this baby. You need to try."
"And I am. I will." Cosima tries to assure her wife. She knows she needs to do this. That she needs to care. "Umm let's pick out some receiving blankets, a high chair… the rest of it."
They mill through the store, buying the larger items and adding the smaller ones to their online registry. She tries better to participate, asks the sales staff questions, who are relatively knowledgeable about most things. Picks out tiny outfits and sleepers, and selects the things she thinks are the least eye sore like. At least Delphine's tastes would mean their baby gear was relatively neutral looking and minimalist looking. Even if it was ridiculously expensive.
A break from all the baby stuff is exactly what they need, and Cosima knows it's up to her. She can make it happen. They leave the store, hand in hand, with a bag of things they'll probably end up using, including the breastpump Delphine wants to start hooking her up to in a couple months. A few other items ordered.
"Thank you." Delphine leans in and gives her a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, Cosima."
"Let's just go, now, just the two of us." Cosima invites pleadingly. Before it's too late, she adds to herself.
"Go where?" Delphine laughs. "We have to pick up Charlotte and get her to swimming lessons."
"Curaçao." Cosima grins. "We can book tickets, an all-inclusive resort. Five glorious days of you and I on vacation."
Delphine smiles briefly. "What about Charlotte? Sarah or Art."
"Already done. You know she'll have a blast with Maya. We'll go over Christmas break. We'll leave on Boxing Day."
"Let's go." Delphine nuzzles into her neck. "Just the two of us."
She grins, reaching for Delphine pulling her into her arms in the pool. Partially submerged, it's easy to lift her, easy to tug Delphine in tighter to plunder her mouth. The gorgeous sunlight waters, the beaches, the beautiful hotel. This is perfect. This is exactly what they need to reconnect and try to find some joy together now.
"You're so cute." Cosima tells her wife happily between kisses. Here? No one will bother them. Plenty of same sex couples litter the poolside area and the nearby bar. It's perfect. They can celebrate her dissertation being done. Make love as often as humanly possible. And generally try to live up this vacation like it's their last. In a way, Cosima knows, it is.
Delphine is feeling her up, enjoying the increase in size the weird ass induction of lactation protocol had had on her breasts. She moans easily, the sensitivity is increasing. But nothing like Delphine's bizarre pleasure at it. Cosima wishes it were less painful. For a moment she wonders if she could get away with getting Delphine off in the pool. But her naughty public sex fantasies are quickly interrupted.
"I see nothing has changed with the two of you." An all too familiar and unwelcome voice calls from just out of the pool.
"Rachel?!" Cosima splutters in shock, once she's turned to see her clone sister. In Curaçao of all places, at a gay-friendly resort. Rachel looks exactly the same, other than the swimsuit and cover up.
Rachel simply stands there staring at them from the poolside bar, stirring her martini with her olive.
"Hello Rachel." Delphine says simply, with no malice. She takes a deep breath, maybe they both do, to steady themselves.
"What are you even doing here?" Cosima manages to mutter out, turning to face Rachel.
"I suppose some things have changed." Rachel nods at Delphine's bare pregnant belly. "Congratulations." She offers flatly.
"Thank you." Delphine accepts awkwardly.
"When are you due?" The dry question is almost bored, if it didn't feel so much like an interrogation.
"March." Delphine responds without hesitation.
Rachel turns her head, continuing to observe them. "I suppose that is one way around the Leda infertility."
"I guess so." Cosima responds, unsure exactly how to respond. Running into Rachel was not something she ever anticipated. "It's just like… a fertility clinic baby. We didn't do anything… interesting."
"You're very lucky. Happy New Year." Rachel grimaces at them, looking somewhat disappointed, and begins to walk away.
"We are lucky." Delphine calls out after her. "We are." She repeats to Cosima when she's gone.
"I know… I just. I am having a hard time with the whole pregnancy thing. And Rachel was looking at you like… everything with us is perfect. And it's not… it's not Delphine."
"I know. Come to my next appointment with me. Your post-doc doesn't start until May. We can… experience this together. This is ours Cosima. And sometimes, sometimes when we're making love I think you believe it too. But the rest of the time.. I feel this distance between us. Like… you aren't part of this."
"Well I'm not part of the pregnancy." Cosima says. "But I'm taking the pill and domperidone for you. I'm doing what you want... "
"I want you to be a part of this with me." Delphine tells her. "I want you to tell people this is your baby. That this is our pregnancy."
"But it's not… it's yours." Cosima swallows. "I mean, I'll be there. But I'm not you. You wanted this. And I wanted you to have it. I told you. And it's… scary. And big. And I don't know what our lives look like after this. What our marriage looks like after this."
"I told you, I have only ever wanted this with you. And … I want you to be in this with me. I know… I know you're reluctant. But I need you, Cosima. And this baby is going to want you, and need you."
"She's going to want you, Delphine. She's going to come out of you. And want you. And be in your arms or on you. All the time. I… I am just extra. I won't be any good at this mom-thing anyway."
"No. You are essential." Delphine tells her firmly. "Charlotte needs both of us, and so will this child."
"Does that mean we can name her something different?" Cosima pushing back against the wall of the pool. Looking at Delphine in the sunlight.
"Different how? It has to work in English and French."
"I don't know, something science or nature related. Something kind of offbeat." Cosima tilts her head. She hadn't really wanted to think much about names. It felt like too much pressure. Naming a human.
"I gave you that list of names that work in English and French. You didn't like anything on it?" Delphine leans to join her.
"I don't want to name our kid Emma or Claire or Sophie just because it's easy." Cosima grimaces.
"So you want more French? There are options. I do want to avoid accents, English speakers generally do not do them well." Delphine considers. "Marion. Vivienne. Alice. Rose. Mia. Adele. Lucie."
"Better. Not Marion. It's too Marion Bowles now… Charlotte won't like it." Cosima frowns. "One of my ex-girlfriends named her kid Mia. So no. That's out."
"OK. We'll keep working on it until we find something we're both happy with." Delphine nods.
"OK." Cosima agrees. "We'll have a list. Or a shared Google doc. Just keep listing until we have enough names to whittle down to one we agree on."
"We can do that." Delphine agrees. "Do you want to have lunch now?"
"After seeing Rachel I kind of lost my appetite. Or it's the pill." Cosima considers. "The no period thing is great. But I don't really like how it feels."
"Can you do it for another month? That's all you need. Maybe six weeks?" Delphine tries gently. But she knows she could quit now and Delphine would accept it.
"Maybe. I can handle it. I mean, it's better than dying of clone plague. And I have you." Cosima grins.
"Can I watch when you start trying to pump?" Delphine asks curiously, laying herself back in the pool and letting herself float.
"Uhh you can, yes. Got to check on your latest science experiment, Dr. Cormier?"
"Of course." Delphine laughs. "I don't have to watch if you want."
"It's the every three hours part that I don't like the sounds of." Cosima grimaces. "I mean, trying to convince my body to make milk without ever being pregnant is interesting. But… so labour intensive. I figure I'll dump anything I pump until the kid is born. And quit pot then."
"Alright. Or maybe you can stop smoking around 38 weeks. Just in case?"
"That only gives me a…couple months." Cosima runs numbers quickly in her head. "But I am only committing to try for three months. Then you're on your own with this baby feeding thing."
"I can accept that. You'll get us through the newborn period." Delphine nods, accepting this compromise.
"Hopefully. I don't know if this is going to work." Cosima waves her hands around her chest. "I mean, logically, I assume my body will respond to the hormones and domperidone. But I don't know. I'm not actually pregnant."
"Of course not. But we both know hormones can be pretty… potent." Delphine tells her cautiously. "Your nipples are a little darker. Your breasts are getting a little tender."
"So? Yours were tender by eight weeks pregnant!"
"I think it is working, Cosima." Delphine tells her softly. "And you'll get to feed our baby."
Cosima tries to picture putting a newborn to breast but just ends up wincing, Delphine looks at her in annoyance.
"Let's get lunch." Delphine sighs. "I am getting hungry again."
"You're always hungry now." Cosima remarks, but she follows her wife from the pool regardless.