TW- Self harm mentioned
When I'm ready to be bolder and my cuts have healed with time, comfort will rest on my shoulder and I'll bury my future behind. I'll always keep you with me, you'll be always on my mind—but there's a shining in the shadows—now I'll never know unless I try.
5th July 2019
"Well, I can't believe it" Merlin remarked. "Last day of the school year". Amhar had just been dropped off at nursery and they were sat in the car park.
"Life goes on" Morgana shrugged. "Things may seem out of control etcetera but that just didn't stop, well life. The world doesn't stop turning no matter how shitty things get".
"Did you get an appointment then?" Merlin asked.
"Yeah, 1:45. You?".
"Two o'clock" Merlin replied. "Well, we should head to work then".
"Yeah" Morgana sighed. "Well, better get this last day done then". As typical for speech day—before breaktime they put a movie on for their form alongside snacks like chocolate for them to eat during the movie—relaxing at work for the first time in a while. As usual, speech day commenced of speeches and awards being handed out and they soon decided which house would win the house cup, the green house in the end which was rather good as both Arthur and Morgana were in the green house while Merlin and Gwen were in the red house. As expected both Nimueh and Geoffrey had made speeches about Arthur and Gwen, so did some of the people in Gwen's form and Arthur's classes before they 'named' the memorial bench.
"Well that was emotional" Merlin remarked.
"I know" Morgana agreed. "Well, did you get many gifts?".
"A lot" Merlin smirked. "I'm surprised to be fair. You?".
"You'll have to help me carry them all to the car" Morgana chuckled.
"Aww, how sweet lovebirds" Morgause cackled as she barged between them and put a hand on each of their shoulders.
"We're not lovebirds" they both muttered.
"Suit yourself" Morgause shrugged. "See ya around. Cenred and I are off to the Bahamas".
"I thought you went there in half term?" Morgana frowned.
"That was Barbados, keep up" Morgause rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I have to get my shit together and go. Flight leaves at nine!".
"Have fun" Merlin offered uncertainly as the blonde retreated back to her classroom. "Now, help?".
"Of course" Morgana smiled. After collecting all of Merlin's things and putting them in the car, they stayed outside as they chatted to students for a short while given that it wasn't yet "lunch time" so most students were still there as they spoke to their friends. As the bell rang followed by a cheer from the students and people rushing off to get their transport home, Merlin and Morgana stood and took a look around Merlin's empty classroom.
"It was Gaius'. Then mine. Now it'll be yours" Merlin commented.
"I know" Morgana sighed. "So empty, yet full of so much potential. From me anyway. Let's get my stuff then we can get lunch and get to the doctors". Morgana looked around her empty classroom. The two years she had spent teaching there had been great. Hard, yet great. Now it was all going to change. After getting all the gifts, and putting them in the car they made their way over to Gwen's room. Empty. Completely empty. Gwen tended to keep her room colourful and bright yet as of late it was rather empty and dull. Typical for end of year—yet knowing that she'd never get back; that was what hurt the most. Arthur didn't have a specific classroom—the labs were shared thus going straight to get lunch from McDonalds after seeing Gwen's room.
"So" the doctor said as Morgana sat down. "You've been having some problems ever since the death of your brother and sister-in-law died in a car crash, followed by a miscarriage, correct?".
"That is correct" Morgana confirmed with a sigh. "It's uh ... it's been a struggle".
"Well of course it is. Would you say you've been having trouble sleeping, feelings of anxiety?".
"Yes, definitely" Morgana nodded. "I've often found that I have trouble sleeping or once I do sleep I have nightmares. Mostly I tend to get frequent panic attacks too".
"Any suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself?".
"I used to cut" Morgana admitted. "But I don't anymore".
"There are a few options" the doctor said. "You can go down the self help route which I'm assuming didn't work?" Morgana nodded. "Or there's the therapy or anti-anxiety medication route. Is there any preference you have?".
"I have tried a bereavement support group but it was shit. I think the anti-anxiety medication route will be the best".
"Okay, I'll prescribe something for short term. Diazepam, then we can reassess in a few weeks".
"Thank you doctor".
While Morgana was prescribed anti-anxiety medication—Valium, Merlin was put on a "baby dose" of sertraline for a few months given that it could help with grief symptoms.
They went to the Magic Horse with the baby in the buggy given that they'd all decided to meet for pub grub and snacks in the afternoon, sitting with the others at the table nursing a drink while to allowing him to walk and toddle around.
"Life is so unpredictable" Morgana commented.
"It sure is" Merlin agreed. "It's amazing how so much can change your life. Even in just a mere few hours".
It was almost time for Amhar's bedtime now and it had been a long day.
"Depression and anxiety time" Merlin joked.
"Cheers" Morgana replied as they clinked glasses together and took their pills.
"The night is black and the stars are bright and the sea is dark and green, oooh oooh ooh" the TV sang as In The Night Garden began to come onto the tv. Merlin glanced over to the TV—Amhar was stood in front of it with Morgana kneeling opposite the baby holding his hand. She cupped one of his hands with her own and put the finger of her other hand on top.
"And someone I know" Morgana said in time with the narrator. "Is safe and snug. And they're drifting off to sleep. Round and round, a little boat no bigger than your hand. Out on ocean, far away from land. Take the little sail down and light the little night, this is the way to the garden in the night".
"Merlin" Morgana called as she sat down on the sofa with the baby. "Can you make him a bottle?".
"Sure" Merlin called back. "How much?".
"Six ounces?" Morgana shrugged. They did tend to guess the baby's feeds sometimes, they figured that he must've been getting enough seeing as he didn't cry much and didn't bring anything back up.
Merlin sighed as he began to boil the kettle. Six ounces, six scoops, 180ml. He measured it carefully, levelling the formula scoops off with a knife, pouring two ounces of hot water on top, followed by the cold water and shook it. Hopefully for once the baby wouldn't reject it.
He passed the bottle to Morgana who smiled and popped it in the baby's mouth, he happily took it and relaxed as he lay in Morgana's arms. He sat down next to her watching it, he knew the "in the night garden theory" yet thought it wasn't exactly fitting to tell her given the circumstances.
"Is this the first time he's accepted your bottle?" Morgana chuckled as the end credits began to roll in. She looked down at the drowsy baby and stood up. "Looks like he'll fall asleep soon".
"It does" Merlin smiled. "I take it you won't need luck then?".
"Not tonight it appears" Morgana smirked. "Say night night dada".
Amhar smiled yet lay there as Morgana took him up the stairs to his cot. So much had changed as of late that it felt like a lifetime had passed. Yet in some ways, it had. Camelot, Arthur as King with Gwen. Now the monarchy seemed to be in chaos, as the Daily Mail once more came up with Harry and Meghan and their kid's untraditional christening.
While the first time he had poisoned her had resulted in years of loathing afterwards, and endless attempts on his life, things were rather stable as of late. Like many said, the future wasn't set in stone, no matter what had happened in the past. Maybe they would find peace after all.
A/N: That's all for now! While this was certainly hard to write at times, this has been my personal favourite in the STAGES series. Part four is called STAGES OF LUST, rating will go up to a M and will post it on Monday. It's also snowing here omg it never snows!