A/N: An Angsty one shot at the request of a friend and fellow writer. Happy birthday Anne Bensler! Enjoy!

It was only supposed to last six months. The feds asked him to go undercover for six months. He was supposed to go undercover for six months and then come home. He wasn't supposed to miss a decade of his kids' lives. He wasn't supposed to miss a decade of her life.

Her, meaning his partner, Olivia Benson.

He was going to go see her when he got home after the sixth month undercover operation and explain everything. He was going to apologize for ignoring her calls, and for not telling her he was leaving SVU. He was going to tell her how he felt about her because he didn't want to waste any more time. He was going to take her out to dinner and tell her that even though they would no longer be partners at work

He hoped they could become something else.

He was going to tell his wife that she deserved to be happy and that he felt like an asshole for staying married to her when they both knew they were only married because of their kids.

He was going to do so many things. So many things.

The one thing he had managed to do was have his medallion and mini badge sent to Olivia so she would know that he was okay and that they'd see each other again soon.

Semper Fi-El

He wished he could have written more, but at the time he didn't dare to say anything else. He felt like a coward for that.

Then six months quickly turned into a year. A year of seeing horrific things being done to innocent women and children and not being able to stop it because he had to maintain cover.

At the end of that year, he thought the operation was over. He told himself that it had only been six months longer than planned and he could still do the things he was planning to do.

Except it was far from over because he was pulled back under for three more months.

Those three months became three years.

He didn't recognize himself anymore. He hated the person he'd become. Even though it was an act; even though it wasn't him. He'd been forced to go along with the scum he'd spent decades putting behind bars. He wanted out.

He missed his old life. He missed his kids.

He missed his Olivia.

No, he knew she wasn't his, but he wished she was. He loved her. He loved her so damn much.

He wondered if he would ever make it out alive to tell her, and he hated himself for not taking the chance before he went undercover. He just hoped she was ok. He hoped she had found happiness. If anyone deserved it it was her.

That hope was shattered when he learned that his worst nightmare had come true.

His former partner, the love of his life, had been kidnapped and held hostage by a serial rapist and killer. She was found alive. She was rescued. He was beyond thankful for that, but the fears of what could have happened to her during her ordeal haunted his dreams to this day. As did the immense guilt he felt at not being there to protect her.

If he had been there, he would have driven her home, he would have told her to blink her lights, and when she didn't he would have known she was in distress. He would have stopped William Lewis before he got a chance to touch her.

He would have killed him.

He only learned about the second abduction after the beast was already dead. He was furious, and nearly strangled Dean Porter for not telling him sooner. Most of all, he hated him for not letting him go home so he could help find her.

All he could do was hold onto the hope that the operation was almost over. Then he would go see her, and helping her heal would be his main priority. If she let him that is.

Then three years morphed into six.

He wondered if Olivia had found someone who made her happy, who comforted her when she had nightmares, and supported her through the healing process. He wondered if she found someone who made her feel safe like he wished he could. Dean told him about her promotion at SVU, and his heart ached to go to her ceremony and tell her how proud he was of her. How he always knew she could do it. How he was the luckiest cop in the world to have had her as his partner.

His oldest daughters were out of college by now, and he wondered if they liked their careers, and if they had started families of their own.

He wondered what college his youngest daughter had chosen. He wondered if she liked it and what she had decided to major in. He worried about the normal stuff fathers worry about with their college-aged daughters, and hoped she had friends she could trust that would keep her on a good path.

He wondered if his oldest son had gone to college, or if he ended up joining the military after all. He was against the idea of him joining back when he was in high school, but he didn't have a say in the matter now.

He wondered if his youngest son had joined a little league baseball team. He was nine now, and it saddened Elliot to think of how much of his son's childhood he had missed.

He wondered if Kathy was remarried.

Hell, he even wondered if his mother was still alive.

He felt disconnected, isolated, and alone. He felt like a shell of who he once was. He wanted out, but was there anything left to go home to anymore? He had abandoned his family, his partner, everyone he had known. Even if he did return, they had every right to want nothing to do with him.

Six years rolled painfully into nine.

It was finally over. He could go home, but instead of the joy he thought he would feel, he felt empty. The last decade had taken its toll on him mentally and physically. He didn't know if he'd have anything to go home to. He didn't know who he was anymore. He wasn't even sixty years old yet, but he felt twenty years older.

Another few months marched on. He rejoined the force as the Captain of the city's Organized Crime Unit. He reunited with his kids and was slowly getting back on good terms with them again.

He still had yet to muster up the courage to talk to the one person who had been heavy on his heart all these years. The person he worried about and thought about every single day. The person he hadn't stopped loving no matter how much time had passed.

His former partner.

His Olivia.

This past week his unit caught a case they would have to work with SVU which meant seeing her again was inevitable. He had no idea what he would say. He had no idea how she would react. He wouldn't blame her if she was angry with him or just ignored him completely. He deserved that. She had every right to be upset with him. He just hoped she'd let him give her the explanation he owed her. He hoped eventually they could talk things through and become friends again, if not something more.

As he walked up to the sixteenth precinct, the building that had been part of much of his adult life towered over him. He took a deep breath and opened the door.

He was glad he was the only one in the elevator because memories immediately flashed through his mind of the last time he saw her nine years ago. Most of all he remembered the fear he felt that Jenna would shoot her next, how in a split second he shot a teenage girl in the chest to save his partner, and the look of horror on his partner's face as Jenna bled out in his arms. He clenched his fists tight to try and stop them from shaking. This wasn't going to be easy and he hoped he had the strength to walk into the squad room.

Before he could give it another thought the elevator doors opened and he stepped out.

There was no turning back now.

He walked down the hall he once knew so well and addressed a uni standing outside the bullpen.

"Is Captain Benson in her office?" His question was answered by a shocked voice behind him.

"Elliot?"

A/N: Just a one-shot, y'all can decide what happens next. :) Thanks for reading! I'll be posting a For Better or Worse update on Halloween in just a couple of weeks, so if this left you craving some established EO, it's coming soon!

Thanks to my beta FragileVixenFic!