Penny, Sonic, Knuckles, Tails, Sticks, and Amy stood near the post office, watching Eggman talk to Leroy. Eggman grumbled at Leroy in annoyance. "I was in my evil lair all day, waiting for that package. I had to take a two-minute shower. Two minutes! And when I get out, there's a note on my front door saying I missed the delivery and I need to pick it up here! Why couldn't you just leave the thing instead of leaving the note?!"
"Because we require a signature," Leroy told him.
Eggman grumbled, took out a piece of paper, and signed it, showing it to him.
"So, can I have it?"
Leroy nodded and looked at Eggman. "Mmm-hmm. I just need the note left at your residence."
"But... I just signed for it!"
"You only have to sign for it at home. To pick it up here, you need the note that we left. Why are you complicating this, sir? It's a very simple policy."
Eggman grumbled, completely fed up with Leroy. "I have a simple policy, too. Decimator Bot, engage!"
A loud rumbling was heard, and Decimator Bot popped up and grabbed Leroy. Leroy glanced at the audience with an unamused expression. "Thuggery will not get you your package any sooner, sir."
Tails suddenly flew up, ready for action. Sonic smirked at him. "Tails, initiate Speeding Swing Surprise!"
Tails flew towards Sonic, and Sonic jumped through the air, holding his arms out to catch the glowing ray that was supposed to be lowered to him by now. However, Sonic fell in the watermelon bucket with an oof.
Amy ran at Decimator Bot and launched several attacks and Decimator Bot threw Leroy, who was luckily caught by Sticks. Sonic knocked Decimator Bot to the ground and smirked at Knuckles. "How bout' another wheelbarrow race?"
Knuckles toppled the robot like a wheelbarrow and rolled it out, laughing.
Eggman growled in annoyance. "Grrr! You haven't seen the last of me! I'll be back... with that note!" He vowed and ran off.
Sonic frowned, walking up to Tails. "Dude, what happened out there? You never miss a cue!"
Tails didn't answer, he only stared ahead with a dreamy look in his eyes. Penny glanced over at the watermelon cart where Zooey, a young yellow fox girl stood, replacing the watermelon that Sonic knocked over by accident. Zooey turned around with a smile. "Hey, Tails!"
Tails blushed. "Oh, I was going to say hi, but..." He started to use his twin tails to lift him in the air. "See you later!"
Sonic grabbed his leg with a chuckle and pulled him down. "Oh, I see what's going on here!"
"Tails has been hypnotized by man-eating tomato people?" Sticks asked.
"Orrr...Sticks, think about it this way..." Penny grinned. "Tails has a crush on Zooey!"
Tails turned to Penny, looking embarrassed. "What? Who? Zooey? No, Sticks was right. Definitely the tomato thing."
"Tails is in LOVE!" Penny cooed. "THAT IS SO ADORABLE! YOU ARE SO ADORABLE!"
"I AM NOT ADORABLE!" Tails snapped at Penny. "I-I'm serious and formidable!"
"AAAWWWW!" Penny and Sticks cooed.
"I just... don't know how to talk to her is all." Tails said, giving Zooey a dreamy yet sad look. Sonic placed a hand on Tails' shoulder. "Don't worry, pal! You're about to be enrolled in the Sonic school of impressin' the ladies!"
"That's a good school." Knuckles grinned. "It's where I studied air conditioning and refrigerator repair."
...
Penny grumbled to herself as she stood outside of Sonic's shack, waiting for him to call her in. She was going to play the role of 'girl' for Sonic's class for teaching Tails how to talk to the ladies, and she really wasn't happy about that. She could hear Sonic and Tails chatting about talking to girls.
"All right, first things first. When talking to women, you gotta play it cool. Don't let her know you're interested." Sonic was telling him.
"Play it cool. Got it!" Tails replied.
"Now, if you do strike up a conversation, be sarcastic and always have a one-liner ready. Allow me to demonstrate." He walked outside and waved Penny in, and quickly hurried back. Penny gulped nervously, trying to remember the lines Sonic had written out for her.
"Here goes..." She muttered, walking into the shack. Penny gave Sonic a sweet smile. "Hi, Sonic!"
"'Sup?" Sonic asked, sounding like he wasn't interested, just like they had rehearsed an hour ago.
"Would you like to watch some type of show with me?" Penny asked hopefully. "I would love to go out with you."
"Not sure I have the time."
"I-is something I said or... or did?" Penny asked, looking at Sonic with worry in her eyes. "Because I can change!" She placed her hands on his arm. Sonic glanced at her, looking at her with his eyes half-lidded.
"Nah, it's cool! I'm just... super swamped. Can't be tamed, born to run. You know how it is." Sonic told the human girl.
"W-w-well, maybe we can get a lime Ricky at the local mall chap sometime!" Penny stuttered.
"Yeah... maybe. Look, I gotta bounce, catch you on the flipside, babe!" Sonic said, waving her off. Penny smiled at Sonic. "Call me! We can be happy together!"
She walked out of the room, hurrying to her bedroom and closing the door.
Sonic smiled at Tails. "Works every time."
Tails smirked at Sonic, who glanced at him. "What?"
"You just called Penny "babe." Tails told him.
"I-It was just for showing you how to talk to them..." Sonic stuttered.
"Yeah, sure." Tails snickered.
...
"I found the note. It was in the dumpster behind my lair. I hope you're happy!" Eggman grumbled at Leroy, slapping a note on the table. "Now give me my package!"
Leroy walked off.
Tails ran up and spotted Zooey. He tried to do exactly what Sonic did...leaning on a pole and trying to act calm and cool. Zooey walked past, and he lost his balance.
Zooey turned to him. "Oh, hi, Tails! Didn't see you."
"Yeah, I'm all like... whatever. I don't care, I'm busy anyway." Tails said, trying to be sarcastic. He turned away from her. "Catch you on the flip-flop."
"Okay..." Zooey smiled nervously and walked off.
Tails sighed in disappointment.
Eggman shook his head. Leroy returned, holding the note in his hand, and set it down on the table.
"It appears that the package is back out for delivery."
"Out for delivery? What? Why?!"
"Nobody came to pick it up."
"I CAME TO PICK IT UP!"
"That's not what it says here."
Leroy held out the note to Eggman. Eggman grumbled.
...
With Knuckles...
"Ugh!" Knuckles grumbled as he lifted his weights. "See, your first mistake was going to Sonic for advice on women. Or, as I call them, the laydeez!"
Tails tried it. "The laydeez."
"Yeah, now you're gettin' it!" Knuckles grinned. He stood up and continued lifting the weights. "What women want is someone who's manly!"
"Let me write that in my hello doggie journal!" Tails said, holding out his notebook. Knuckles swiped it from his hand. "No, dude! MANLY! You gotta lift weights! Eat red meat! Take up woodworking! Ha! That's what they want!"
Tails frowned, scratching his head. "Uh, I don't know. It seems a little archaic. Do women really respond to that?"
Knuckles turned around to see Lady Walrus and Lady Goat enjoying the scene, giggling. Knuckles shot them a wink and turned back to Tails.
"Oh, yeah!" Tails grinned.
...
Tails walked up to Zooey at Meh Burger and smiled at her. "Hey, Zooey! I was just at the gym, throwing some weights."
Zooey paid no attention to him and sipped from her drink.
"This table's got some excellent craftsmanship. What's that? Birch? Cedar?" Tails asked in a faux masculine voice. Zooey tapped her finger on the table thoughtfully. "I think it's particle board."
"Oh, yeah. I had a particle board tree once. Chopped it down, built me a cabin out of it."
Dave walked up, holding a steak on a plate. "One meh steak, extra rare."
"The redder, the better!" Tails said, holding out his knife and fork and winking at Zooey, who looked a little bit disgusted.
"And your Meh Burger toy," Dave said, handing Tails a pen with a puppy on it. Tails grabbed it in excitement. "Oh! A Hello Doggie pencil to go with my notebook!" He glanced nervously at Zooey and chuckled. "Uh, I think I left my bandsaw running!"
He ran off.
Eggman, who watched from a nearby table, shook his head.
...
At Amy's...
"You're doing this all wrong. If you want to know what women want, talk to a woman!" Amy told him.
"That's brilliant!" Tails grinned at her. "Where can I find one?"
"I'M A WOMAN!" Amy screamed at him. "I'm refined and elegant like a delicate flower, you jerk!" She sighed, calming down again with a smile. "Now, as I was saying, girls like romance and chivalry. You know, like in the movies. Watch and learn."
She sat down on the couch and Tails sat next to her. Amy turned on the TV.
"How thy voice is like a songbird, let my eyes feast upon your beauty and my soul be nourished by your love! A thousand roses would dare not smell as sweet as you!"
Amy started crying happy tears, sighing dreamily at the scene.
"Oh, even if thy face is hidden beneath the mask, your heart is visible to me now and forever!"
When the scene ended, Amy dried her tears and walked up to the TV, turning it off. She smiled at Tails. "See?"
"I'll do it!" Tails grinned.
...
Penny walked around for a bit until she saw Tails run past her, wearing some type of disguise.
"Tails?!" Penny asked, running up to the fox. "What are you doing?"
"Amy told me that I should act out my love to her," Tails said. "So that's what I'm going to do!"
"Tails, I think you should just be yourself," Penny said. "Do you see me act like I'm someone I'm not around Sonic?"
"No, but..."
"Just try it." Penny smiled at him encouragingly.
Tails looked at her with determination. "Maybe later. But I want to see if this works. You can watch if you'd like." He walked up to Zooey's house and called to her, "Zooey, come forth from your chamber window!"
Zooey opened her bedroom window and waved down at Tails, giving him a hushed hello.
Tails began. "How now, brown cow. Your voice is like a songbird, singing... uh... songs! And you smell!"
"What?!" Zooey gasped.
"Um... like a flower of some kind! Not a stinkweed, uh, something better!"
"Ooh, Tails..." Penny muttered, running her hand on her head. "Why not take my advice instead of the others?"
"Looking into your eyes is like looking into a pair of... eyes! Nice ones, even!"
And at that, Zooey closed the window.
Tails sighed.
...
Sticks...
"When a male wishes to woo a female, he must perform a traditional dating dance, where he displays his radiant, colorful plumage. This must be done in a public form to assert his dominance over the other males!" Sticks said.
"Well, it's worth a shot!"
...
At the village, Penny watched Tails as he once again tried talking to Zooey... but this time with feathers. The little twin-tailed fox hooted out mating calls and waved his feathers around. He did manage to bring quite a crowd around him.
Zooey walked up with worry. "Tails, are you feeling okay?"
"Wha? I'm feeling great! Check out my majestic plumage!" Tails grinned at her, waving the feathers underneath her nose, and she let out a sneeze. She nodded at Tails. "As long as you're alright," She told him, walking off.
Tails sighed, his ears drooping a little, dragging his feathers.
Eggman, who had been watching, grumbled. "I can't watch this anymore! You got no game, kid! Let me help you!"
Tails turned to Eggman in surprise. "You? But you're our sworn enemy!"
"Nonetheless, in situations this dire, the bro code trumps the enemy thing. Take my advice, you'll never land a girl by acting like someone else. Just be confident in your own pelt. And for Pete's sake, ditch the feathers!"
Tails dropped the feathers and frowned at Eggman. "How do I know I can trust you?"
"Believe me or don't, it's no hair off my mustache! You're the one doing the funky chicken in the middle of the town square!"
Leroy walked up, holding the package. "Your package."
"Finally!" Eggman took the package, chuckling as he ripped it open, pulling out some sort of remote. "My new background music generator! This will really make my attacks more exciting!"
He pressed a button, and hip-hop music began to play as his robot rolled into the village.
Eggman laughed. "Ho-ho! Sweet! Listen to those drums!"
Tails glared at Eggman and started fighting the robots.
Zooey let out a startled scream as the robot grabbed her in his hand. Team Sonic ran up. "Amy, you and Knuckles head..."
However, Tails flew his plane in, grinning down at Sonic. "No need, Sonic! I got this!"
Tails flew towards the robot, trying to confuse it.
"TAILS! HELP!" Zooey screamed.
"Hang on, Zooey!" Tails yelled and fired a beam at the arm holding her. Zooey let out a startled yell as she fell, but Tails grabbed her with his enerbeam and pulled her to the safety of his plane.
"I taught him everything he knows!" Sonic, Penny, Knuckles, Amy, and Sticks said smugly to each other.
Tails destroyed the robot, creating a cloud of thick smoke. Tails flew the plane through the smoke and popped out of it.
"All right, Tails!" Penny cheered.
Eggman sighed, turning off his music control. "Well, that wasn't as exciting as I'd hoped."
When Tails landed, the first thing Zooey did was give him a huge hug. "Tails, you were amazing!" She squealed, kissing him on the head.
"Oh ho ho!" Eggman laughed. "Look who got the girl by being himself! I didn't see that coming!"
"Do you mind?" Tails asked him.
"You're welcome!" Eggman said, pressing a button on his music generator, and a sweet love song played in the background. Zooey and Tails smiled lovingly at each other and smiled.
"I'm glad I sprang for the heart iris upgrade!" Eggman said.
Next Chapter: Cabin Fever