Hello, I survived 2020 and I hope you all too :')
Last year was crazy for everyone, I'm sure. Sorry that it took this long for me to update, but here it is! I'll talk more in the end note since I'm sure you want to get right into the chapter. Please enjoy!
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THE WALK
Part 10
-a fanfiction by a1y-puff-
/ Near /
For the nth time that afternoon, Allen lets out a long sigh.
He's currently on his bed, lying on his stomach with a laptop in front of him. He has a half-written essay on his laptop screen, but for the life of him, Allen can't concentrate enough to continue typing. After ten more minutes of just switching windows between references without actually reading the text, Allen gives up and pushes his laptop closer to the wall so he can roll onto his back.
Closing his eyes, Lenalee's words once again rings in his ears.
'Where do you think Kanda's been looking?'
Honestly, for all he knows, Kanda might not have been looking anywhere at all. Really. They're practically always together, surely Allen would have noticed if Kanda developed interest in anyone? Just recently, he thought it might have been Lenalee, but clearly he was wrong. They both were wrong, so Allen really doesn't know any better than Lenalee—
'Or... are you, maybe, too close that you can't see things clearly either?'
But what does that even mean? Allen heaves out yet another sigh.
"Is your homework really that hard?"
"Holy sh—" Allen nearly jumps in his bed and when he looks to the source of the voice? Kanda is pretty much perched on his bedroom window with one foot already on the floor. "Really, now, can you just come in through the front door like a normal person?"
"Isn't your dad home?" Kanda makes a face, and Allen can't really blame him for not wanting to have to face Cross on his own. He can be annoyingly overbearing after all, especially when he's been home for a few days. "And your window is open."
"Then come in and close it." Allen resigns and finally pushes himself up. He shifts over to sit against the headboard and picks up his laptop again to give Kanda room if he wants to sit down. "What are you doing here?" He asks, even though Kanda never really needs any particular reason to visit.
So really, he should have expected that exact answer:
"No reason." Kanda scoffs and drops himself on the bed rather unceremoniously and Allen quickly places his giant yellow round plushie against the wall before Kanda's head hits it. Then, he opens one eye and turns to face Allen, asking, "Why, you don't want me here?"
"No, not that!" Allen denies quickly, because somehow, after screwing up last time, he really doesn't want Kanda to be—mad? No, that's not the right word. Rather than mad, at that time, Kanda looked… hurt.
Allen doesn't want to be the cause of that look ever again—
"Don't fucking walk on egg shells around me, it's annoying," Kanda cuts off his train of thoughts and then sighs. He pushes himself up to sit beside Allen and peers at his laptop screen. "So what homework are you hurting your little head over?"
"Just an English essay…" Though it's not necessarily what worries Allen right now. He closes his laptop slowly. "Actually I was about to take a break when you came in."
"Hmm, then take one. Look," Kanda easily reaches up to smooth Allen's hair out and with a smirk, then comments, "You were probably thinking too hard your hair is sticking out."
For some unknown reason, that big, warm hand makes something flutter in Allen's chest, and—
'Or... are you, maybe, too close that you can't see things clearly either?'
Why do Lenalee's words come to his mind right now?
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/ Boy /
As far as Allen remembered, Kanda had always been by his side.
Allen was barely talking when Cross had taken him in, still grieving the tragic loss of his loving father. Tiedoll, the kind soul living next door had taken it upon himself to reach out a helping hand to Cross who had zero experience in child-rearing. When even Tiedoll's gentle prodding couldn't get through, he turned to his four sons, because surely one of them would connect with Allen?
Marie tried first, being the oldest and quietest of the four. Allen remembered him sitting close and trying, softly, to get him to talk. He'd given up three days later, when Allen still hadn't opened his mouth. Perhaps the quite large gap in their age and stature were more than just a little unsettling to little Allen.
So Daisya tried next, being closer in age and size. However, he was the exact opposite of Marie. He'd laugh and smile and try to get Allen to move, or play games with him. After the second try, either out of boredom or frustration, Daisya gave up.
Chaoji stopped trying after one day. A few stuttered sentences, was all Allen remembered, before Tiedoll led him out of the room.
So somehow the job fell into Kanda's hands. It was probably because he was the last choice—and the closest in age—that Tiedoll placed all hopes upon his shoulders.
Kanda was never a friendly child, so getting stuck babysitting an almost catatonic kid definitely was more of a problem than it was worth. He had dutifully stuck to the job, though with barely concealed disdain. After a couple of days, the permanent frown and frequent clucking of his tongue had managed to penetrate through Allen's hazy awareness, causing a twitch or two of his eyebrows.
"Oi," Kanda started when he finally noticed a reaction to his presence. "I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but you need to snap out of it, bean sprout. You need to live."
It wasn't only the gruff voice and the stupid name he was bestowed with, but who gave the right to this rude boy to say things like—like—
"You. Don't know. Anything," Allen's voice was raspy from lack of use, and it hurt to let out the words.
"How would I know if you're not even talking?" Kanda scoffed and came closer until Allen was forced to really look at him. "You're here now. You're still alive, so act like it."
Clearly it hadn't been the best words to say to a grieving child, but Kanda was barely a preteen and didn't know any better. He had no idea how much those words hurt Allen and made something inside him snap that he started screaming and lunging at Kanda with a flood of fists and tears. Allen was blurry on the details but it ended up with a brawl bad enough to leave bruises left and right on both of them, that even Tiedoll almost freaked out when he had to separate them.
And then Allen just cried and cried, as if letting out a few years worth of tears and pain and he didn't stop until two hours later, when Cross came rushing in Tiedoll's front door to pick him up.
Allen cried himself to sleep that night, and when he woke up in the morning, somehow, something in his chest felt lighter.
He timidly hid behind Cross when Tiedoll brought Kanda to apologize later that day, kind of afraid to see Kanda. But then there were packs of chocolate bars shoved under his nose. When Allen finally looked up, Kanda's frown was still kind of intimidating, but soon, the lines softened up and Kanda was looking him in the eye when he said, "Sorry."
It was a gruff apology, but Kanda didn't move until Allen finally took the sweets from his hands and responded with a small nod.
Perhaps it was the start of their friendship, because from that day onwards—even if Allen didn't stop being timid and start talking more until much later, while Kanda never really stopped frowning—Kanda would always stay with him, and slowly Allen started feeling safe around the unfriendly boy next door.
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/ Deep /
Sometimes, there are things you simply cannot unsee once you see it, and Lenalee wonders how she could be so blind before.
No, that's not quite right either. Maybe she wasn't blind before. It's just like what Lavi told her—she was too focused on herself and her feelings that she simply did not want to see. Now that she looks back, though…
It must have always been as obvious as the scene in front of her right now:
Kanda, allowing Allen to steal his food even as he calls Allen a black hole—then proceeds to casually thumb away some sauce on the corner of Allen's mouth like he's been doing it forever. But the most obvious thing that Lenalee failed to notice before? Is the look on Kanda's face. The way his eyes soften just so and how his lips stretch into a barely there smile.
It makes her heart ache because Kanda looks the most beautiful when he looks at Allen.
She isn't sure if it's out of sympathy or maybe, just a little bit of resentment, but she manages to pull Kanda aside after lunch—Allen had to run earlier to class for a project and Lavi followed soon after, probably sensing that she wanted to corner Kanda—and blurts out:
"Are you going to tell him?"
Kanda stares at her for a moment, clearly confused at first from the lack of context, but seems to catch on pretty quickly. Proof that he really isn't as dense as Allen makes him out to be, but in this case, Lenalee wonders if Allen is the dense one.
When Kanda still doesn't reply, she carefully adds, "You… don't plan to tell him? Ever?"
Kanda still chooses to say nothing, but she can definitely see the flicker of emotions in his eyes, and it catches her a little off guard. They're gone the next second, though, and Kanda looks as calm and composed as ever when he finally speaks, "I'm fine with the way things are."
Then before she can argue, Kanda gives her this small, complicated smile before turning on his heels and walks away.
She watches his retreating back in silence and murmurs under her breath, "You don't seem fine to me."
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/ Kiss /
It is always a wonder how comfortable Kanda's bedroom is, Allen thinks, even after all these years. Perhaps it's because this is Tiedoll's house, after all. That man is as warm as the morning sun, and the farmhouse-style home reflects that, even down to Kanda's bedroom.
Sure, it might be the smallest, given Kanda is the youngest of Tiedoll's four sons, and even after both Marie and Chaoji moved out a few years back, he's still too lazy to move into a bigger bedroom. Besides, Tiedoll has made it a point that all his children will always have a place in this house.
Kanda's bed has black metal frame and headboard, and both his curtains and sheets are in shades of grey, but the wooden ceiling, faux fur carpet and one of Tiedoll's nature paintings displayed above the headboard gives warmth to the atmosphere.
And more importantly, while the bed is more on the firm side, it's surprisingly comfortable on his back. So, really, who could blame Allen for wanting to take a nap? Cross is probably not coming home today, and since Tiedoll has asked him to stay for dinner, Allen decided he might as well finish up homework.
Well, now he's done and there's no sign of Kanda coming back from driving Tiedoll to buy some groceries, so. It's okay to hijack Kanda's bed for a bit, right?
Allen isn't sure how much time has passed, or if he has even fallen asleep at some point. He feels like drifting in and out of consciousness, and barely registers when the door opens and someone walks into the room. His eyes still feel so heavy and are refusing to open. That presence feels very familiar, though, that Allen subconsciously doesn't feel the need to be alert.
Not even when the bed dips.
Or when there are fingers in his hair, combing it back before moving down to wrap around his arm.
Or when a soft, warm breath hits his face—
He feels a hand gently covering his mouth, and in the next second, Allen can feel the tips of hair tickling his forehead—
And then it's gone before Allen's brain can fully process it. In his state of being half-awake, he almost wonders if this is a dream?
The door closes with a soft click and Allen's eyes snap open.
The warmth of that hand over his mouth still lingers, and now that he is fully alert?
Did Kanda just—
For the longest time, Allen just sits there and stares at the door with his heart hammering in his chest.
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/ First /
It was actually not the first time.
Kanda didn't make a habit out of it, but sometimes, like earlier, the surge of emotions inside his chest became a little too much to contain when he looked at the stupid, oblivious Beansprout sleeping so soundly in his bed.
Maybe it's getting harder to keep it all under the surface because of the emotional mess he didn't want to admit he'd been in after Lenalee's confession despite Lavi's obvious crush on her, and Allen trying to push him into a relationship with someone else when Kanda had only been looking his way ever since god knew when.
Kanda couldn't even remember when it started. Just one day, he looked at Allen and it just clicked. He wasn't even surprised when he first realized his feelings, and he never thought it was that big of a deal—after all, they were always together, so it didn't matter if he said it or not, right? He was content with the way things were between them, so nothing had to change, right?
Maybe that was where he was wrong. Of course if he kept suppressing it, it was bound to overflow.
The first time it happened was maybe around the time Allen had just entered high school. He didn't know how much he had missed the bean sprout until they were finally attending the same school again and they got to eat lunch together on a daily basis. Though Kanda didn't know how bad he had it until one day, when Allen fell asleep in his bed while they were hanging out in his room, he was suddenly overcome with this urge to just kiss—
But he placed a hand over Allen's lips at that time, too, because he still had some self control, okay? And he didn't want to betray Allen like that.
He didn't make a habit out of it—didn't let himself indulge in those urges very often if he could help it, and he was more than happy to never let Allen find out.
What Kanda didn't know, though, was that this time? Allen wasn't really asleep.
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- t b c -
To be honest, this entire chapter ran away from my initial plan... hahaha... partially why it took so long for me to update. But I do like the way it turned out. It's like the characters talked to me on how I should do their stories. :')
With that said, I'm sorry in advance if I'm slow, but I PROMISE to finish this, okay? We shouldn't be very far from the ending, though if I may warn you one last bomb is yet to be dropped. ;)
Do let me know what you think of this! I'm sorry if I did not reply to every comment before, but I do read them all and they gave me life! So thanks a lot for sticking to this fic for all these years. I hope to update more frequently this year. :D
Stay safe and healthy!