The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Chapter 10: Esther - Part 5: Daughter of the Desert

Methos: "I know she's dying. You are ALL dying. Twenty years, six months, what's the difference."

(Highlander: TV series - from episode 'Timeless')

Bronze Age – ca. 1700 B. C.

I had to restrain myself from running when I left Kronos' tent, even though, I would have loved to take flight from him as quickly as possible. Would he have forced me to stay, all my well-thought-out plans would have vanished into thin air. Regardless the fact, that it most probably would have been me, who'd have lost his head, I would have tried everything to kill him. Instead, I just left, outwardly calm but inwardly ripped apart be the raging storm Kronos had raised deep inside me.

I strayed to and fro the camp within the sparse light of a waning moon, forcing myself to concentrate on something different. First of all, even before blaming myself of having failed again, I had to find Esther. No matter the cost. And I knew where I'd search first: at the foot of the cliffs.

Without knowing that he'd do me a favor, Kronos himself told me, where to search for her and it was dead certain I'd not err.

Not this time.

Finding Esther with Caspian had never been an option. He might have been the one of us to be second to none but Kronos if it came to having no scruples, but he knew all too well, I'd not hesitate to take his head if he'd have touched her, no matter what Kronos would have promised him. The only thing that made me wonder about Kronos' move, here, was:

Would he really have taken the risk of Caspian and me getting into a fight to death? Would he not have taken the risk of losing his own myth?

I shrugged the idea off and started running towards the cliffs. What a fool had I been, not to search for Esther there from the first moment on when I started to miss her! I'd have expected more of me, the Horsemen's clever strategist...

Night had fallen, when I reached the narrow path leading down to the shore and the returning sound of the sea rushing helped me to calm down. My hope was to find Esther up here where she used to enjoy sitting on the rocks while watching the waves, but there was no sign of her. That was why I carefully peered over the edge of the cliff – and stood rooted to the ground.

Far below on the shore, I recognized the flickering light of a handful of torches arranged in a ritual semicircle. In front of them cowered a small figure – motionless and supposedly untouched by the nightly cold. The dancing flames spread the whole place with bizarre shadows and soused the lonely figure in its white clothes with a hint of warmth...

But if it was Esther, why would she dress up in white!?

Since first I came across her at the oasis, there hadn't been a single day where she'd have dressed up in white – and within just a split second I got aware, what it was, she wanted to do at this place and at this hour.

In front of her, in the sand, there glinted something else within the flickering light: A ritual blade...

"No!"

I did no longer think about ifs and buts, I did not even think of what would happen to me, if I'd miss one of the narrow steps leading down to the shore. I just stumbled and slid down the steep and narrow path while at the same time I pleaded to all known gods coming to my mind for letting me be with Esther in time to keep her from doing what she obviously had in mind to do.

Totally out of breath, my hands and face covered with scrapes and scratches, I finally reached the cliff's foot. It really was Esther who was kneeling in the sand, but if she had noticed me stumbling down the path, she did not react. She sat motionless, staring into the flames like a shaman in trance, and did not move...

"Esther!"

All scared, she turned round and faced me, her gaze a mix of fear, desperation and pain, and I came to realize that I did not err:

She wore a plain dress made of white linen. A small golden belt got wrapped round her waist. Her wrists and ankles got adorned with golden bracelets and heavy clasps in the form of golden snakes wound round her arms. A broad necklace made of gold and jewels graced her neck and for the first time ever I saw her wearing golden earrings. Her big dark eyes were surrounded with khol and in front of her, in the sand, lay the cut off strands of her once long black hair.

Her eyes widened when she got aware that I was not the one she obviously had expected and she breathed a sigh in relief, when she recognized me, but pain and desperation now replaced the scare mirrored within her eyes. She kept looking at me, but there was no word, no smile, no gesture to welcome me, almost as if it caused her even more pain to see me right here, right now...

"Why", I asked her, unwilling to give in that easily.

She beheld me intently while her lips formed my name soundlessly.

"Esther, please", I pleaded: "I know, I failed to protect you, but how could I know..." I close my eyes and shook my head: "No! No! I should have known! I should have stayed...but, Esther", I looked at her with teary eyes: "I still want to leave with you. A ship is waiting for us..."

"A ship...?"

Yes, a ship was waiting for Esther and me and I had not in mind to let it sail without us aboard.

Esther gave me a tired smile when she got up to walk over to me: "A ship...you were able to struck a bargain with the captain of a ship?"

"Yes", I nodded eagerly: "Yes! He's just waiting for us to step aboard."

She reached a hand out to gently caress my cheek: "You adorable fool. Why did you come back? You should have left as long as you had been able to..."

"Leaving you behind?"

"If you want a chance to lead a different life - yes! Leaving together! What a wonderful plan! What a sweet musing! What a beautiful dream! But did you ever really believe in it?"

"I always did! I still do!"

"You still do? Then you're much more a fool than I thought you to be when we first met."

"Esther!"

"No!" She turned away from me, stood there for a while, lost in thoughts, staring at the waves, until she finally explained: "You have to forget me!"

"How could I?"

"You have to, Methos! Don't you listen to me? I cannot come with you!"

"Esther! Less than three days afar from here anchors our ship. The captain promised, he would wait for us! Our dream does not have to end here! Do you hear me...? It still can come true - for both of us."

I saw her struggling against herself, torn between her wish to live and her wish to forget about the shame Kronos did to her. She looked at me, tried to keep her tears from running down her cheeks: "And what about you? Can't you understand what I try to tell you? Methos! I still feel it! Every day! Every night! Relentlessly forced down on his bed, at the mercy of his edacious touch, every spark of resistance wiped away by another slap, the pain when he forced himself inside me..." She turned her gaze away: "But why am I telling you all this? I should know, you're aware of what is meant and how it feels, aren't you?"

I didn't know what to reply. There was nothing I could do to defend myself. Esther was right. I knew how it felt to take what I desired. I had relished it much too often without wasting a thought on the question if those I forced into my bed to sate my desire wanted it or not. I had not been different from Kronos neither in thinking nor in acting. Maybe, I had been even worse than him, because my face never seemed to match my deeds, but as desperately as I'd try to make it all undone, there was no way back and I would have to live with all those memories until someone would take my head...

However, until it would be as far as, I would not suffer Esther to end her life tonight. I pulled her in my arms and held her tight, my cheek nestled up against her temple: "You're much stronger than him, daughter of the desert! Prove to me that you are. Prove me to be right about you and about him to be wrong!"

"Methos, we won't stand a chance against him! Equal what I might be able to do, equal what you might be able to do, he will never let us escape."

"Esther, do you really think I have in mind to ask for his permission? Tomorrow night, we will leave all of this behind. Trust me, sweet desert rose, I won't fail you again!"

There, she stood in front of me, shivering from the nightly cold, a small and slender figure, the love I never wanted to lose, no matter the cost. I breathed a kiss upon her brow and made her look at me: "Listen to me, the time we have to spend it together is much too short, anyway. Don't end it before our time is up. Give us a try to change our lives to the better. Together."

"My life was over the day you found me at the oasis! You know, it's true. Useless to deny it. Even, if you decided not to make me your slave or to take me as your prisoner, to Kronos, there is no difference, if I'm your slave, your prisoner or your lover. He expects you to share the prey and he showed me the meaning to it..."

I cupped her cheeks with my hands and kissed her gently, then, I took a deep breath and locked eyes with hers: "Have I ever told you about Cassandra...?"

I inwardly thanked Esther for not interrupting me while I told her about Cassandra and what I did or better what I did not when it came to sharing the prey. The memory of said night so many years ago, still hit me without any warning and I knew, I neither would find an explanation for what I did to her nor would there ever be an excuse. If there was something left for me, it was the realization that, without having crossed paths with Cassandra, I would still be the one I had been back then, and that, without crossing paths with her, I would possibly have done to Esther what I did to her and so many others before. It was too late, to ask for forgiveness with Cassandra, but it was not too late to save Esther...

"Now, you know, who I really am. Now, you know, what I used to do! No more guesses, just the truth..."

"You loved her, didn't you?" Esther asked with a knowing smile.

The question was easy, but I had no idea how to answer it, because, I never got a chance to find out and because, it was over before I could have spent a thought on it. That was why I replied: "I don't know if it's been love, and if, I wasn't aware of what it was. The truth is, I honestly desired her, I honestly cared for her and I still betrayed her..."

"She's of your kind. You can still make a try to find her and to find out."

"Before she would listen to me, she would rather take my head..."

Esther just beheld me with a smile and said: "If fate is merciful, you will live forever. Time's able to make up for a lot of mistakes. Maybe, she will forgive you some day. Maybe, she'll forgive, if you'll tell her what you told my about her."

"Could you?"

"Could I what?"

"Forgive me..."

"I already did! Have you forgotten about it?"

"I did not, but..." I grasped her hand and dragged her over to me: "Why did you..."

"Don't ask about the why. Let it be enough that I did it once and that I would do it again."

She smiled and her fingers brushed some strands of hair away from my cheek and I desperately felt what losing her would mean to me...

"If you can forgive me, do not leave me! Come with me! You cannot have forgotten, what you told me just a few days ago! Your dream of living in another place! No matter where and when! No matter how much time we'd have together..."

"What kind of life would this be supposed to be...?"

My eyes lit up and I dared to shoot her a grin: "A life together with me..."

"Methos..."

"Always on the run..."

"Methos!"

"A life, where we will own nothing but each other."

"Methos!" Esther tore me out of my sweet dream: "What, if I won't be able to forget? What, if the memory of Kronos will destroy us?"

"That, I will never allow! Do you hear me, Esther? Never!"

"Why are you so certain of being able to endure it, while I am hardly able to suffer it myself?"

"Because, I know, I can handle it!"

She freed her hand from mine and turned away from me, her hands intertwined, her head lowered. It was for a while, that she stood there next to me, until she finally looked at me again, her beautiful face wet from tears: "I'm afraid, Methos, afraid of what else could happen to us. I'm afraid, I could not be as strong as I always told me to be. I know, how to handle a sword, I knew, how to tame my father's wildest horses, but during the bygone days, I had to find out, that nothing I ever learned was able to protect from all the evil Kronos did to me. How can you dream a dream of spending your life together with me, if another..."

"Because, I love you!"

Now, it was out and for a split second time seemed to stand still. I did not dare to move, I did not dare to speak. There were just these three words hoovering above us.

Esther was no slave, she was no captive and whatever might have happened, she was none of Kronos' concubines. She'd never be, not for me.

The same moment, I felt Esther throwing herself into my arms. Her lips crashed into mine that passionately, that I tasted blood on my tongue, but I did not care while holding her as close as possible, while deepening the kiss. I felt her heart beating, I felt her breath on my cheek, I relished her sweet lips and I enjoyed the fact, that only a thin layer of linen kept my hands away from her soft skin. I longed for her, I yearned for her and when I buried my hands deep within her now short black hair, I had just one wish – being able to drag her even closer. She leaned her brow against mine and I felt her tears wet my cheeks, felt how she got tossed by sobbing while I held her close. I cupped her cheeks with my hands and forced her gently to look at me: "Promise me to never spend a thought on committing suicide again. Will you? Unlike me you only have one life and if you'd lose it, there is no power all around the known parts of the world able to bring you back to me."

I wiped the tears from her cheeks and kissed her again, when she locked eyes with mine and whispered: "I promise..."

This night was supposed to be the last we wanted to spend within the camp. With sunset the next day, we wanted to take flight. It was still enough time to reach the port and to go aboard the ship, assumed the captain would stay true to his word. Except of a few of our belongings and enough gold to pay the captain, there was nothing, we wanted to take with us. No memories, just the two of us.

I was tired after not having had a moment of rest since I did return from my excursion and I thought Esther wouldn't mind to spend a night with me either. Therefore, I crawled amongst the sheets and cushions and watched how she rid herself of her attire, piece for piece, and how she finally slipped out of her thin linen dress.

Her soft skin shimmered like bronze within the little light of the oil lamps and I couldn't hide my admiration when I reached out for her: "You must be a dream, my sweet, a friendly ghost, a lovely nymph or a little jinn, and I guess, I am the lucky one, you chose to present with your presence."

Esther smiled a mysterious smile when she whispered: "No, my handsome immortal, I'm neither a ghost nor am I a nymph. If I'd be, I could only spend the night with you and would be forced to leave you before sunrise..."

She kept my gaze prisoner with hers when she slipped under the sheets by my side. Her words sounded lighthearted and passionate, but something strange was within her eyes, something I should come to know much later:

Longing, love, desperation and sadness...

Within this night, it had a different meaning to me. The meaning of promise and bliss. Her sweet lips and her soft hands made my senses well over from joy and I only wished that this night could last an eternity – until I wanted to drag her on my lap. Esther shied away and fear was to spot upon her face, so, I tried to soothe her and whispered: "This night belongs to you, lovely nymph! I belong to you! Do to me as it pleases you. I'll be your slave forever..."

"Forever", she replied and once again her lips succeeded in running me mad. Her kiss same as her eyes was filled with longing, love, desperation and sadness, but the way she seduced me, made me forget about everything.

Later that night I held her close and fell asleep with my head rested on her tender belly...

A sharp and stabbing pain tore me out of my dreams the next morning and when my eyes flew open, all I could focus on was the benumbing pain within my chest and the dagger gotten pushed into it up to its fine carved handle. I gasped for air, desperately tried to get rid of the blade, but failed. I felt my vision getting blurred, but I still succeeded in recognizing Esther by my side. Tears were running down her cheeks, while she bent over me and a second wave of white-hot pain ran through my body when she pulled the small blade out of the wound.

"Forgive me", she whispered: "Please, forgive me, but I cannot come with you."

"Why?" I already felt how life was leaving me and I begged silently that I would hold out just a little longer.

"Because, I love you! Because, I can't suffer what Kronos did to us..."

"Esther..."

Everything around me became indistinct and the last, I was able to sense were her tears falling down on my face, her lips covering mine and her whisper close to my ear: "I love you..."

Then, everything became silent and dark...

My lungs filled up with fresh air again in sudden bursts and as always when I returned back to life, I thought the pain and the anguish would tear me into pieces. I panted for air until I was finally able to sit up. Lying by my side, I found the small dagger and a curl of black hair...

Esther was gone and I knew, this time I would not be able to reach her in time. Nevertheless, I had to try. I stumbled to my feet, slipped into my clothes and started running.

I found her where I found her the night before - at the roots of the cliffs, closer to death than to life – and dragged her in my arms, not caring about the blood she was covered in. She blinked and for a last time her sweet smile dispelled the paleness of death she already got touched by.

"Why are you here?" Her voice was just a hoarse and silent whisper coming from a broken body.

This time I had no answer for her. I just held her as if my embrace could prevent her from the inevitable, while I buried my face within her shoulder trying to avoid her watching me cry.

"Methos..." Using up both, her last amount of strength and her last breath, she kissed me, then all I could do was holding her until she'd give up the fight.

No scream left my lips, no cry.

I didn't care, if the waves would soak my clothes.

I just knelt there and held her, silently weeping until I had no tears left...