ONE FIST MAN

Written by Christopher Rangel

XXXMAS SPECIAL:

LAST FISTMAS

December 24th

Saitama grit his teeth.

"It'll only hurt a little," assured the doctor. To distract himself, Saitama tried paying attention to the music in the background: "Bring me the Disco King," by David Bowie. Soon there'll be nothing left of me… In an instant, the needle penetrated Saitama's right arm, injected its fluid, and was out. Nothing left to release… "There, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

"Could have been worse," Saitama said. The doctor applied a bandage, patting it down to make sure it stayed. Visions flooded Saitama's mind as the drug took effect: blood, death, black wings soaring in an ashen sky, fleeting yet vivid (Dance, dance, dance through the fire…). Saitama looked at the doctor; his face was hidden by a surgical mask (Feed me no lies…), eyes obscured by medical glasses that always seemed to catch the light (I don't know about you, I don't know about you…) "Any plans for the holidays?"

"Oh, you know," said the doctor, "Family, friends, nothing out of the ordinary. You?"

"Well, I've got a porno to shoot, then it'll be about the same." Saitama rubbed the bandaged spot on his arm.

"Well, don't get to rowdy," said the doctor, putting away his equipment. "We need to make sure that arm is taken care of, now don't we?"

"Yeah, I know," said Saitama. "I'll mainly be using my other arm for fisting."

"Atta boy," said the doctor. "Now go make some porn!"

Saitama arrived on set. He was a little early, so he sat down in the lounge area; a couple benches against a large, stone staircase. The director, Hidetaka Miyazaki, insisted the film be shot on location, so the set was a real life abandoned castle.

Suddenly, a giant shadow was cast upon Saitama. He looked up and saw the silhouette of a massive goat skull looking down at him.

"Mind if I sit here?" asked the Capra Demon.

"Sure," said Saitama. "More than enough room on this bench for the both of us."

"Thanks, man," said the Capra Demon. He sat down, and the two dogs that were accompanying him rested at his feet. He bent over to pet them.

"Can… I give them a pet?" asked Saitama.

"Sure," said the Capra Demon, and Saitama gave the good doggos a pat pat.

"Hey, I'm having a bit of trouble getting my lines memorized," said the Capra Demon. "While we're both waiting, would you mind helping a demon out?"

"Sure," said Saitama. He took out his script, a somewhat thicc black tome with the words Dark Holes: Prepare to Cum written in large white letters.

"My scene is on page 69," said the Capra Demon. Saitama turned to that page and began reading.

Semen Ruins. The Chosen Unspread walks across a bed of molten cum, and then suddenly encounters an old bedmate: The Capra Semen!

CHOSEN UNSPREAD: You again?!

CAPRA: I just can't stay away, baby!

CHOSEN: But I had such a hard time taking your big old demon dong the last time!

CAPRA: Gotcha covered, baby. (Throws ring)

CHOSEN: What's this?

CAPRA: That's Havel's Ring, baby. Wearing that'll increase your Load Capacity by a shit ton!

CHOSEN: Oh, fuck!

CAPRA: Yeah, baby. Now put that right on your cock. Fuck yeah, that's fucken HOT!

CHOSEN: Oh yeah?

CAPRA: Yeah. I hope you're fucking ready for some Ceaseless Discharge up in your Anus Londo!

CHOSEN: Oh fuck yeah, baby! Gimme that Ceaseless Discharge! (Steamy Anal Sex Ensues)

"Big Capra!" came Hidetaka Miyazaki's voice. "You're up! Big Capra, it's time to go!"

"That's me," said the Capra Demon. "Hey, would you mind keeping an eye on the puppers for a bit?"

"Yeah, sure," said Saitama. The dogs stayed with him, panting and wagging their tails.

"Hey, Saitama!" came a familiar voice.

"Kamina," said Saitama. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"Of course I'm here!" said Kamina. "I'm playing Pornstein, part of the iconic duo Pornstein and Chode. What about you?"

"Smegmayer of Twatarina," said Saitama. "Gotta put on this… heavy ass onion armor for like half of my scene.

"Aw, you can take it," said Kamina.

"I know, but still… I mean, look at this shit! I gotta wear it!"

"Well, I see there's a hole in the front."

"Gotta wear it through the blowjob…"

"Oof, don't fall over, dude; you'll fucking kill your scene partner with that."

"Ya, that's what I'm worried about."

"Well, I'm sure you're gonna kill it," said Kamina.

"Hey, you're coming over for dinner tomorrow, right?" asked Saitama.

"Of course!" said Kamina. "No way I'm missing Rose's Christmas Gabagool! Who the hell do you think I am?!"

Saitama smirked, rubbing the bandage on his arm.

"Hey, how's that arm treating you?" asked Kamina.

"It's good," said Saitama, stretching it out and flexing his fingers. "Works like a charm. The one thing is, I gotta get shots pretty regularly to make sure the rest of my body accepts it."

"Really?" said Kamina. "Didn't know that was a thing."

"Yeah," said Saitama, "Like, I'm not sure of the specifics, but it's something like, if it's not kept in check, a bunch of antibodies will swoop in and fuck shit up."

"Huh," said Kamina. "The more you know, I guess."

Saitama yawned, putting his head in his hands.

December 25th

The needle went in again. Saitama jumped in surprise.

"There, there," said the doctor. "You are all good to go, my friend."

"Great," said Saitama. He looked around, a little confused. Images of fire and decay flashed through his mind. Dance, dance, dance through the fire... "Hey, doc…"

"Yes?"

"Are there… any side effects that I should know about?"

The doctor shrugged. "Want kind of side effects do you think might be happening?"

"Nah, never mind," said Saitama. "I think I'm just spacing out."

"It is the holiday season," said the doctor. "I'm sure you've got a lot on your mind."

"Yeah, you're right," said Saitama. "Anyways, I'll see you again tomorrow."

"Merry Christmas!" said the doctor.

"Merry Christmas," said Saitama, heading out the door. Rose was waiting for him in their car.

"Ready to go?" she asked.

"Yeah," said Saitama. "All good."

"Alright, then let's go," she put her foot on the gas and they drove off to the meeting place.

"About time!" said Jon Snow, putting on his Victorian top hat. "We were about to go caroling without you!"

"Sorry, guys," said Saitama.

"Ah, don't worry about it," said Johnny Sins. "We're just glad you're here!"

"Yeah," said 9S.

"By the way," said Kamina. "Sandor… er, Burny Sandor wasn't able to make it, due to being the President of the United States of America, but he sent his regards with this box of chocolates."

"Sick," said Saitama, taking a chocolate. He chewed, smiling as the gooey raspberry filling poured out. In short: good shit.

"Shall we commence the caroling?" asked 2B.

Everyone nodded, confirming that they were.

"And don't forget," said Rose, straightening out her corset. "Once we're done caroling, there's delicious Gababool waiting for us all!"

"Hell yeah!" everyone said and they went to the first house to get their carol on.

Rose knocked on the door, which was opened by Carl Fredricksen.

"Oh, great," said Carl. "It's the gays. Hey, what the fuck do you want?"

"WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS, WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS!" the group boomed.

"Oh God!" said Carl. "Oh fuck! Holy shit you guys are COMPLETELY out of tune!" But he couldn't be heard over the singing. Carl scowled, slammed the door, and the next thing they knew, a million balloons flew out of his chimney and the whole goddamn house flew the fuck away.

"Tough crowd," said Saitama.

"Why didn't he like our singing?" asked 9S.

"That guy was pretty old," said Rose. "Hearing aids were probably acting up."

Everyone nodded in agreement.

From there, they went door to door. They'd usually only get through a couple verses of the song before the occupants would yeet figgy pudding and/or fruitcake at them and slam the door.

"I don't think they like our singing," said 2B.

"Nonsense," said Jon Snow. "Come on, gang; we're the best singers in the land!"

"No you're not," came a voice. "But we are!"

The gang turned to look and saw George Michael, John Lennon, and Yoko Ono walking towards them.

"Holy shit!" said Johnny Sins. "It's George Michael, John Lennon, and Yoko Ono!"

"What are you doing here?" asked Saitama.

"We're here to carol," said John Lennon. "Would you like to join us?"

"Yes," everyone said, and they all began to carol together. Now, with star power on their side, they were able to make it through two entire songs at most houses: "Last Christmas," followed by "Happy Xmas (War is Over)," and instead of shitty ass figgy pudding and fruitcake, they were receiving figgy pudding and fruit cake that was actually good!

"Yo!" said Kamina. "This fruitcake fucking rocks!"

"You bet your tits," John Lennon said, taking a bite of his fruitcake.

"Alright, team," said Rose. "This is the last house we're doing, then it's Gabagool time!"

"Yeah!" everyone cheered, except for George Michael, who said "Yo, what the fuck is a Gabagool?"

"It's what's for dinner," said Rose. She rang the doorbell. Someone inside opened it and…

December 26th

A needle in the arm.

"Fuck!" said Saitama.

"This should be getting easier each time," said the doctor. "You need to learn to relax, my friend."

Saitama's heart was racing. Something was definitely wrong.

"Memory loss," said Saitama.

"What?" asked the doctor.

"The side effect I think I'm feeling is memory loss. I swear to the Godchris, just moments ago it was Christmas and I was caroling with my friends, now it's the 26th, and I don't even remember having Christmas dinner!"

"Memory loss…" said the doctor. "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do believe that's one of the side effects. But you know, I'm sure those memories will come back. Nothing can stop the truth, after all."

Saitama squinted his eyes. "I recognize your voice…" said Saitama.

"Of course you do," said the doctor, adjusting his medical glasses. "I am your doctor."

"I've never seen your face…" began Saitama, "I don't even know your name, and yet I recognize your voice."

"Make sure you get enough rest, Saitama," said the doctor.

"Who are you?" asked Saitama.

"I'm the one that keeps you healthy," said the doctor. "I'm the one who keeps you sane."

"Son of a bitch!" Saitama yelled. He got up and punched the doctor in the face; the blow didn't seem as powerful as it usually was, but it was enough to knock the mask and glasses from his face. "How are you still alive?!"

Eli, the man formally known as Liquid Snake, rubbed at the cut which Saitama's punch had left on his face.

"How do you think?" Eli asked. "The arm."

"What?"

"When you attached my arm to your body, you welcomed me into your psyche."

"Well, I'm going to take you out of it!" He went in to punch Eli, who ducked out of the way.

"You only landed that first hit because I wanted you to," said Eli. "But feel free to try again."

Saitama tried again, and once more he missed. "There's nothing you can do to banish me," said Eli. "It is already too late."

"Your existence is tied to this arm, right?" said Saitama. "So all I have to do is tear it off, and…" Saitama yanked at his right arm as hard as he could, but there wasn't even a crack.

"That isn't your arm," said Eli.

"What… do you mean?"

"Do you really think you're awake right now?" Eli snapped his fingers and the doctor's office melted away into a frigid Winter wasteland, blizzard winds blowing lumps of snow into Saitama's face. As he began trudging forward, "Bring me the Disco King – Lohner Mix" by David Bowie, ft. Maynard James Keenan and John Frusciante started playing in the background.

What is this? Saitama thought. It's so… cold in here. I'm so alone…

You promised me the ending would be clear

You'd let me know when the time was now…

It was almost impossible to see through the blinding snow. Sparse, dying flames littered the surrounding landscape. Further ahead, through his squinted eyes, Saitama could just barely make out three shadowy figures approaching him. One drew it's sword; Saitama readied his fist.

Memories that flutter like bats out of Hell

Stab you from the city spires…

The other two silhouettes, hulking masses of flesh and muscle, came rushing towards him, fists swinging like hundred pound sledgehammers. Saitama, not trusting in his strength anymore, dodged out of the way, but the one on the left caught him in the shoulder.

We could dance, dance, dance through the fire…

Saitama regained his balance, then charged towards his two assailants. He grappled the first assailant, tossing him to the side before delivering a flying uppercut to the second. They fell to the ground, lifeless, when the third assailant, the one with the bastard sword, charged towards him. Saitama ran to meet his blow, screaming in fearful fury, punching forward with reckless abandon, punching a hole right through the man's chest.

Dance, dance, dance through the fire…

The snow began to settle a little, just enough for Saitama to make out the faces of the men he had slain: Jon Snow and two other men he didn't recognize. He fell to his knees in front of Jon Snow, confused, tormented tears turning to frost upon his cheeks.

"Saitama!" came an all too familiar voice. He looked up and saw Kamina walking towards him, sword at the ready.

Feed me no lies

(I don't know about you, I don't know about you)

Breathe through the years

(I don't know about you, I don't know about you…)

"I TRUSTED YOU!" Kamina shouted. "I thought you were my friend, but… Why did you kill them!?"

"I didn't do it!" Saitama yelled.

"Yes you did," Liquid's voice came from behind him. He could feel Eli's back leaning against his own. "Your body did."

"Shut up!" Saitama yelled, turning around only to punch empty air.

Bring me the Disco King

Dead or alive

Feed me no lies…

"This ends here," said Kamina. He held his sword in front of his face, saying a silent prayer before charging forward.

Kamina let loose blow after blow, Saitama bobbed and weaved, avoiding each hit.

Smelling of love through the moist wind

Don't let me know when you're opening the door…

Suddenly, Kamina's sword was in Saitama's hand.

Suddenly, Kamina's sword was in Kamina's chest.

Wh… what? Kamina staggered towards Saitama, a hand on his cheek, leaving a bloody handprint as he collapsed to the snowy ground.

Close me in the dark, let me disappear

Soon there'll be nothing left of me

Nothing left to release…

"We make a good team," Eli said from the shadows of Saitama's subjugated mind.

"What do you want from me…" Saitama asked, hollow and emotionless.

"I already have your body," said Eli. "There's nothing more I could ask of you."

"And there's really no way I can take it back."

"I will admit," said Eli, "One person has escaped from my mental grasp before; my brother. But he didn't have a part of me attached to him, and I was nowhere near as powerful as I am now."

Saitama fell onto his back, watching the snow fall. From here it looked beautiful. From here he couldn't see the red stains, the burning fires in the background.

"Can I still dream?"

"What do you think you've been doing this entire time?" Eli laughed.

Slowly, the empty, snowy sky faded into a different scene. He was lying on a table. A dining room table. They were all surrounding him: Rose, Saitama, Jon, the whole gang cutting away at his flesh, putting it onto their plates. Saitama closed his eyes as they took what was left of him. Then, there was a tap on his shoulder.

"You're not giving up yet, are you?" came Kamina's voice. Saitama opened his eyes. He wasn't alone. Kamina stood to his left, Rose to his right.

"Never thought I'd have to see your ugly mug again," Kamina told Eli. "Not even in my dreams…"

"Don't you know to just stay dead?" Rose asked.

Eli's swords, the black and white Yin and Yang, materialized in his hands.

"Meddlesome dreamers…" Eli said. "Now I have no choice but to snuff out Saitama's soul…"

"You'll have to sever our connections first!" Kamina yelled.

"Like yarn to a pair of scissors…" said Eli.

Dance, dance, dance through the fire…

Saitama, Kamina, and Rose rushed towards the oncoming Eli. Eli swung his swords towards the center, meaning to cut all three of them in half like scissors, but Kamina caught Yin with his sword, while Rose caught Yang with her right arm, hardened through the power of Skinwalker magic.

"Saitama!" yelled Kamina.

"Now!" yelled Rose.

"Alright…" said Saitama. "TOTALLY… NORMAL… PUUUUUUNCH!" Saitama delivered a totally normal punch to Eli, sending him skidding backwards in the snow. He remained standing, and once he was still once more he brushed himself a little.

"I see now," said Eli. "The three of you share a strong bond. Not strong enough to break my influence, perhaps, but just strong enough to keep Saitama's soul protected." He smiled. "I guess we're just going to have to kill you later. Isn't that right Saitama?"

"You!" Saitama clenched his fist, taking a step forward. Kamina put a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry," Kamina said. "We can take care of ourselves. Isn't that right, Rose?"

"Is that even a question?" Rose scoffed.

Eli sighed. "Well, we'll just have to wait and see. I look forward to the grudge match, back in the real world. Until then!" Eli disappeared in a blink, leaving the three of them standing alone in the wasteland of Winter.

Saitama was shivering from the cold and shaking from trauma. Kamina removed his own cloak, throwing it over Saitama's shoulders. Both he and Rose wrapped their arms around one of Saitama's arms, supporting him from under the armpit, and helped him walk forward.

"Guys…" Saitama said. "If… If you see me… in the real world… I need you to… to…"

"We're going to save you," said Rose. "And that's the only thing we're going to do."

"Yeah, I really hope you weren't going to end that sentence with ending you," said Kamina. "Come on, who the hell do you think we are!?"

Saitama smiled a little. "Thanks… But whatever you do, just please… Don't let me kill you…"

"Pfft, like you'd stand a chance against me!" said Kamina. "Do you know who I am? I'm the mighty Kamina!"

"Besides," said Rose. "This isn't the time to be talking about matters as dark is these. It is Christmas!"

"It is Christmas!" echoed Kamina.

"It is Christmas…" Saitama mumbled. A little forward away they came across a small log cabin, lights on in the window, smoke billowing from the chimney. The door opened, and there was Johnny Sins, welcoming them inside.

Everyone was there, gathered around the table. Jon Snow, 2B, 9S, Sasha Grey, The Goddess LotUS of Sex Velma, Stormy Daniels, even President Burny Sandor was there. Saitama and Kamina took their seats, and Rose carved the Christmas Gabagool, taking her seat once everyone's plate was filled with a sumptuous portion of holiday meat.

Saitama was warm, surrounded by the love of his friends. The room echoed with laughter, a beautiful illusion created by Saitama and the hearts of his friends.

They'd be together again, someday, for real. A promise is a promise, after all. And it is Christmas.

THE END