trace (vestiges)
He makes up his mind.
It comes after weeks of deliberation, of painful contemplation; he frets and worries a permanent crease in his brow, the stress from the looming, horrifying decision hanging over him, a noose to tie together his frantic fears and self-doubts.
However, Miles cannot bring himself to act. There is too much happiness to be found here, even with his frustration and shame and bitterness underlying it all; the fact that there is someone with whom he can share his life and work and love is still absolutely baffling, but the feeling which blooms in his chest, covering his entire body each time he walks into a room and Phoenix Wright's face lights up at the sight of him, is more breathtaking than anything else in the world.
He is happy.
And yet, he cannot bring himself to give back to Phoenix what the other man gives to him.
He should have known Phoenix would never bring it up- it is easy to tell by simply looking at how he treats Maya, how he treats Lana Skye's sister Ema, how he treats everyone, that he loves to take care of others, that he does not mind being relied on- but he is not content being a dependent. He never has been dependent on others, and he shall not be as such now.
He needs to separate himself, before he becomes too dependent, he thinks. His heart already relies too much on Phoenix Wright's smile.
His resolve is finally, truly solidified one evening when the two of them are in Miles' home. Miles does not know why Phoenix has insisted on coming over that night- he has already made it clear that he has absolutely no energy to do anything, after a long, wearying investigation and trial that day. To his shock and horror, when he returns downstairs after a long shower, Phoenix is seated on the sofa in comfortable clothing, lounging about with the television screen on, a film paused, waiting to be watched.
"I am not watching Steel Samurai with you."
"Oh, I think you are."
Miles groans as the other man grins devilishly, dragging Miles' exhausted form to the sofa. "Maya lent me her copy of the newest film. I don't know how she always gets these things when she is always in Kurain," he laughs ruefully. "C'mon, Edgeworth. Relax a bit. I haven't seen this kind of stuff in a while."
He is pulled onto the sofa, a blanket thrown playfully over him, before he can say a word. Only once the music begins to play as Phoenix un-pauses the video does he murmur, "You know I've already seen this, right?"
Phoenix's bark of a laugh is grating in the most humiliating way. "No spoilers then, Mr. Samurai fan," he teases, leaning his shoulder against Miles'. Miles flushes as the other man presses a gentle kiss to his jaw before turning back to the screen, sighing heavily as the theme song rings louder and louder with every onscreen credit rolling by. "Gods, I'm sick of this theme song. I keep changing my ringtone to something else, but Maya always gets mad so I change it back, and just…"
His voice trails off, leaving the two of them to watch the film in silence. Phoenix occasionally laughs and gasps and cheers, for he has always been far too full of life in comparison to Miles' restraint. Unfortunately, this silent contrast in their reactions only pressures Miles to keep quiet, to not leave the room when he begins to feel himself crumbling. Phoenix has no way of knowing that this film is too much for Miles; Miles did not mention that he adores this film, that he had cried the first two times watching it- that he looks now at this film's subplot of parenthood and abandonment unfolding and feels his heart breaking for an nth time.
He does not need to say a word. Once one of the characters dies, leaving behind a child begging for help, Phoenix silently takes his hand. Without missing a beat, long, rough fingers reach over to wipe away the tears beginning to well up in Miles' eyes before drawing the man's head onto Phoenix's shoulder. These wordless movements scream into his dark living room, illuminated only by the light from the screen, of the sheer care and love Phoenix has for Miles.
He still feels like he does not deserve it. Phoenix does not deserve someone who cannot hold him the way he should be treasured. Phoenix has lost people, too.
Miles sniffs, clearing his throat a few times to get rid of the blockage which obstructs his oxygen. "I'm just- it's fine, Wright."
"…you know," Phoenix says slowly, "you're always welcome to my home."
"Your office isn't exactly-"
"My mom still talks about you, even after all this time. She's moved to the suburbs, but occasionally I visit. Come with me sometime." His pout is clear even in his tone as he mumbles, "Then again… she'd probably just tell me you're more handsome and get on my case…"
Miles looks over to Phoenix in awe, in shock, in disbelief. His eyes are glued onscreen, watching the figure of this child's mentor support them after the loss of their parent. You… you lost Mia Fey, and yet, you're still dry-eyed, Wright.
If Miles was a little more open, a little more perceptive, a little less broken, would he be able to support Phoenix? Would he be able to make Phoenix feel safe enough to cry in front of him, too? The more Miles thinks about it, the more the image of Phoenix shedding tears in front of him fills him with a sense of dread, for he genuinely has no idea how in the world to comfort the other man. Phoenix has always acted as if simply being with Miles is enough, but… it cannot be, not when he's gone through just as much heartache, if not more.
He wants to support Phoenix. He is not enough to support Phoenix as he is, though- not in the courtroom, not in his arms. He needs to be better, he thinks.
…okay.
He sniffles and turns back to watch the film, gritting his teeth as he fights back the emotions which threaten to spill forth unbidden. He shall not weep, he shall not cry- he shall simply relish in the safety which Phoenix offers, if only for a little while longer.
"I won't forget what you've done for me," the child whispers to the Steel Samurai onscreen before the end credits begin to roll. Miles carves those words into his heart, saying them over and over again in his mind like a mantra as he allows Phoenix to hold him close that night for the last time. He won't forget. It's a promise.