CHAPTER ELEVEN

I didn't realize how much of a burden I'd caused myself. After our group session, I felt like a massive amount of weight was lifted off my shoulders. In some weird way, the air became easier to breathe, and I felt more confident within myself. I received an explosive round of applause, which caused me to quickly blush. It was such a liberation to be open and not to hide amongst my peers. After my release, the trend soon followed, and Jasper felt it upon himself to speak freely as well. He talked about his parents' more and how their work schedules and discipline affected him and his sister's home life. Jasper became more open about his twin sister the more we had spoken. I could never understand the real gravity of what he's been through, but I can be there for Jasper when he resorts back to his depression.

The group session ended sooner than anyone wanted it to be, but it made us more prepared for the other gatherings that would soon follow. Alice and Jasper quietly excused themselves so that they could spend some quiet moments together. Emmett and I walked out and decided to take a stroll outside the grounds to enjoy the beautiful fall air together. From the perception of others, it might look as though Emmett and I were all of a sudden "close, " but in all actuality, he felt more like a brother to me and vice versa. It was nice to have a male influence in my life, to ask him about certain things that I did not feel comfortable with, with Mr. Brunner.

As we walked along the edge, I inhaled the sweet smell of the ocean breeze. Emmett kept his distance as we continued our route in silence. As we crossed the edge, where the whole facility's best view stood, we both stared into the ocean. Despite how emotionally unluckily we were, we were truly blessed to be able to afford a place like this. This view and some semblance of freedom were vital to grasp onto the outside world. I watched as the water crashed into the shore, but it wasn't as ferocious as it was yesterday but calmer. Its waves lightly pressed against the shoreline as I had to fight the urge not to go down and enjoy the water. Though we did have the freedom, the fencing unit did remind us of where we were still stationed at. We stayed like this for a bit until Emmett broke the silence, "What you did in there was pretty courageous." Emmett spoke off to the distance. I turned my head to look at him inquisitively. "Though I do have to ask," he paused before turning his head towards me. "You don't have to answer, but was that about Edward?" Emmett said more curiously.

I was a little shocked at first that he picked up on it, but if anyone would, it would've been Emmett. I mean, Edward and I were not always the best at hiding our attraction for one another. I had two conflicting emotions debating in my mind at the moment. Should I tell Emmett the truth or lie? After my emotional purge earlier, I just didn't want to add another burden upon myself and decided to move forward and tell the truth. The fact of the matter was that Edward was no longer here, so what was the point of lying about it. I nodded my head towards him. Emmett didn't look surprised or disappointed but quietly acknowledged and turned back towards the shore. "I never got to say goodbye," I said quietly.

I didn't have the willpower to see if Emmett looked over. "To Edward?" He asked. I felt my chest tighten by Edward, my parents, and life. After everything that has happened to me, I never wanted to become numb more so than this moment. I just couldn't keep bottling up all these emotions and needed someone to talk to. Someone that was entirely objective and has no association with Edward. Alice has always been fantastic with words of advice, but Edward was her Achilles heel.

"Edward." I paused, "My mother…" I trailed away. I stopped myself from continuing since I didn't want to break down in front of him. "I feel as though anyone that has come into my life just goes away." I took a deep breath to steady myself. "But," I turned towards him, "I'll be alright," I whispered more towards myself.

Emmett nodded his head as we began to walk back in silence. I never was more grateful for the quietness that was between us. Before we entered the building, Emmett stopped me. "Bella, believe it or not, you're stronger than you think." He smiled at me. "When I first came here, I heard "stories" about you. However, the more I watched and got to know you, I knew that those rumors were far from true." He stopped. "At first, I thought you were going to be a lifer, but in all actuality, you are an inspiration to me and everyone around. You don't realize it, but you are more than capable of handling the world outside of here." I looked up and smiled at him. "The world is much nicer than what you were led to believe." He finished.

I fought back to urge to hug him for that prep talk. I smiled as I playfully hit him on the shoulder to help cut the emotional tension. We continued to laugh about his old stories that I'd absorbed. I left and said my goodbyes as I headed towards Mr. Brunner's office. Emmett's words had affected me more than I would have thought. Just a couple of weeks ago, the idea of leaving this place would have brought on another attack. Now the idea did not seem that far-fetched but brought me a level of comfort. Of course, I am far from ready to take on that next step, but the idea was more inspiring and gave me that extra push that I needed. So I decided to make that a goal for myself. Before I would hit my twenty-first birthday, I wanted to experience life in the real world. I wanted to live my life where I didn't have a routine to fall back on. Where I would be able to be an adult and move forward. However, I had to be smart about this and not run off too soon because I had this number in mind.

I entered Mr. Brunner's office, still absorbed in my mind. Mr. Brunner was typing up something on his computer as I quietly took a seat across from him. I fiddled with my hands and pulled at my hair tie a little to absorb the anxiety from everything that had occurred today. Luckily, they were all good things, but I still felt like I've done so much more in the past six hours than all my previous years here. Finally, Mr. Brunner called my name repeatedly, which brought me back to this current reality. "Bella." He asked once more.

I looked up and shook my head, "I'm sorry, Mr. Brunner. I must've been lost in my own thoughts." I said to him quietly. Mr. Brunner observed me and nodded his head. He added a couple of notes into my current file and leaned back against his chair. I tried to think of the best way to bring my feelings up to him. Mr. Brunner has been such a significant influence in my life that I respect and value his guidance despite everything that we have been through. I just needed to know from him what I should do and what I needed to achieve to make this idea plausible.

"I heard that you had quite a revelation today in the group session." Mr. Brunner pointed out. I was sure Ms. Deluca and Mr. Brunner had already spoken about my progress. So it came as no surprise that he had already heard about what happened earlier. Actually, I was quietly relieved that I didn't have to speak more about it. The one nuisance about this place would be the fact that you had to repeat yourself multiple times, and that alone could make someone go mad. "Do you want to discuss this more?" He asked. I had to actually start taking my life more seriously and not wait for the future to come.

I felt myself become more confident as the hair tie snapped against my wrist had helped. I sat up straighter and mentally prepared myself for the steps that were necessary for me to succeed. Also, I needed to make up my mind, so I don't transition during this conversation. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you about leaving." Mr. Brunner's eyes shot up. I watched as he dropped his pen. "Not now." I quickly added. "But I wanted to discuss what I needed to do to start preparing myself for leaving here." I paused. "To go out and experience life before it becomes too late." I quietly added.

Mr. Brunner's face quickly changed from shock to concern, and for once, he was the one to become antsy. He grabbed hold of his pen and promptly flicked it back in forth. I started to watch the motion, unsure about why he was acting this way. "Where is this coming from?" Mr. Brunner asked. I slumped my shoulders a bit since I didn't want to really do this back and forth dialogue on why I felt this way. Why can't he just let me know the steps and move forward?

I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes, "I just feel like I am letting life pass me by." I paused. I looked down at my hands as my thumbs played war with one another. "I don't want to be a lifer here, but I have no skill set in the outside world." I looked back up at Mr. Brunner. "Thankfully, due to my education, I am not permanently useless, but I have no "real world" experience, and because of that, I am stunted." I looked down at the shaking pen in Mr. Brunner's hand. "I need to be ready some time, so let's start working on this," I concluded.

Mr. Brunner released a hidden breath. He glanced down at his flicking pen since my eyes were still stationed on it. He coughed to bring back my attention to his face, "Bella, I do see this enthusiasm in you and would want nothing more for you to be fully healthy and out into the world." He paused. "But I don't want you to get your hopes up." Mr. Brunner began to trail off. "We are in this together, and I feel like we are taking the proper steps towards your recovery." He seemed content with himself, but I found myself becoming more skeptical.

I felt as though he had avoided the subject altogether. However, I no longer wanted to dance around it nor dig myself deeper into this hole. I watched as Mr. Brunner continued to talk as I zoned out on his words. I nodded my head in certain areas to make it look as though I was paying attention but in all actuality was thinking about Tess of the d'Urbervilles, and what would happen to Tess after she informed her husband of her ill-fated child that perished after being stillborn. I began to reread the chapters in my head, but the mention of my name brought me back to his attention.

"Bella," I looked back up towards Mr. Brunner. "What do you say we focus our next major goal towards the showcase early next year?" I scrambled my brain as I tried to figure out what he meant. I nodded my head in agreement and mentally hit myself for not asking what I just said, "yes" too. "Excellent!" He provided me with a broad smile, "I will make sure the board is aware, but I think this would be a wonderful treat for you and me." He politely said. My face scrunched up, but I quickly recovered and smiled at Mr. Brunner politely. Well, at least I had some time to figure that out. I mean, what was the worst that could happen.