COMPLICATED
I slept fairly well that night, the chemicals still in my system certainly aiding that, but all night I dreamt of Edward, dreamt of him coiled over me like a tiger, snarling and preparing to spring at some invisible threat, his teeth were sharpened to points, but I felt no fear, instead feeling protected as he guarded me from whatever was after my life next.
When I awoke however, I was anxious to see that he hadn't texted me. I couldn't shake the feeling that last night he'd been trying to tell me goodbye, trying to ready himself to leave.
I messaged the girls, checking in on them, then Kain, getting hungover good mornings from each of them as I started to slowly pull myself out of bed.
Staring at Edward's contact, I bit my lip, sending him a 'Good Morning Mr. Cullen." Trying to seem playful and open, I just wanted confirmation that he hadn't up and left.
We'd bared so much to each other last night, and I still had questions, admissions I needed to make.
When he hadn't answered in six hours I was nearly pacing a hole into my bedroom floor, fighting whether or not to call him. I was frustrated, and terrified, continuing to pick up, unlock, then relock and set down my phone.
"Don't you see, Eva? It's one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved."
I slumped onto my bed, face first, his words ringing in my head. I had to call him. I had to make him hear me.
My hands trembled as I opened my contacts and tapped the call button beside his name, shakily holding it up to my ear.
It rang, and rang, my heart pounding double time until I heard the click of the beginning of the voicemail message.
"You've reached Edward Cullen." And then the beep, I stammered.
"Edward fucking Cullen, I swear if you ghost me again after last night-..." I closed my eyes, trying to reign in my frustration.
"I know, now, Edward. And I'm not afraid. Honestly I…" I bit my lip, my eyes welling up as I built up my courage.
"I seem...to have fallen in love with you. Just…please...please stop saying goodbye…" my voice cracked on the last word, and I had to hang up, leaning my head forward into my hands and tossing my phone behind me.
I'd done it. I'd said the words. Whatever happened now, at least I'd been able to tell him.
I don't know how long I sat there on my bed, rocking myself quietly, just trying to breathe through my anxiety. But a firm knock on my window made me actually fall off my bed, when you're 4 stories up, that isn't exactly a common sound.
I peeked over my bed at the window, nearly falling over in shock again when I saw a familiar pair of golden eyes gleaming at me through it. I scrambled up and over to it, quickly unlocking it and shoving it open.
"What in the fuck are you doing!?" I hissed, still panicking at how high up he was, but he slid past me into my room, moving to stand beside me.
"I figured, now that you knew, I didn't exactly have to pretend to be human anymore." He murmured, his eyes were hard, scared, but he simply stood facing me, eyes burning into my own.
"...you listened to the message?" I whispered it, feeling my anxiety spike again as I wrapped my arms around myself on instinct, preparing for the worst.
"I did." I was shocked at how soft his voice was then, and he lowered his eyes, moving to sit down on my bed. I joined him, sitting slowly beside him, giving him some space still.
"I don't know...how to do this...how to do any of this." He lamented now, quiet. "How to balance my feelings for you and the danger I put you in. It's excruciating…" he grit his teeth.
"You should absolutely be afraid of me Eva, I am more dangerous to you than anyone else." His eyes were ancient then, unfathomably deep as they searched mine, pain and resignation warring in his features.
"Wh-what do you mean?" I held myself tighter, not understanding his phrasing.
"You're my singer, Eva." He murmured, lips turning up into a sad smile, hand reaching out to stroke a lock of hair behind my ear. When I looked confused, he continued.
"Your blood is more potent to me, than anyone else. The first day...when I got a gust of your scent…" he grimaced, ashamed, unable to look me in the eye. "It took a century of practice and every speck of willpower I had not to...not to kill you in front of that entire classroom."
I swallowed, stunned, a cold chill running down my back as more and more of his behavior clicked for me, and realizing how close I'd been to death.
"But I can't keep trying to make these choices for you, I cannot keep...running away. While you...still smell as intense as you did then, I've been managing it, handling it, wrestling with my more horrific instincts. Getting to know you...see you for who you are was the biggest mistake I have ever made. Because I'm afraid...that I have fallen in love with you too."
He met my eyes then, and for once, I could believe that mine were nearly as intense, the electricity that seemed to exist between only us began to grow once more.
"My world...it will hurt you, Eva. I could...hurt you." He shuddered. "I couldn't...bare it, if I harmed you now. Selfishly I believed that I could run from this, how intense this is. I believed I could make the choice to preserve your wellbeing, to protect you. But...I can't, imagining leaving you, never seeing you again, it's so- goddamn overwhelming." He growled, hanging his head into his hands.
"I have lived over 100 years and I have never once felt anything like this, like I can only be at peace when you're with me, when I can...see you…" anguish tinged his voice, and I was startled by his admission of his age. Again, it hit me that the man before me was not human, that this impossible man was now explaining that he too had fallen into this bizarre magnetism.
I lifted my hand cautiously, watching his face as I reached out to gently cup my hand over his frigid cheek. He let me, searching my eyes, leaning his face into my palm.
"Well, I do have a thing for older men…" I tried to joke with him, but I knew my smile was sad, nervous. He gave me a slight smile in response, still letting me gently hold his face.
"I...I don't think I would be able to walk away from this if I wanted too, Edward…" I mumbled my confession, feeling my face redden deeply.
"I can't bring myself to feel anything other than...safe. Beside you. Even as your…"singer"...you haven't once harmed me, you've even saved my life. You have a temper, sure, but your heart is so...warm. When we were finally able to talk freely...I fell so hard, so fast...you have no idea." I chuckled in chagrin, he looked at me with what I could only describe as tenderness now, carefully placing his much larger, chilled hand over my own on his cheek.
"If you're asking me if I accept the risks,...I do. I've seen you, the one you choose to be, and it almost seems...criminal, to let go of something so precious. We can...work together, right? I can do what I need to to make sure you're at your most comfortable, you mentioned it's becoming more manageable…" I trailed off, his smooth hand gently taking mine from his cheek to press a featherlight kiss to my fingertips.
"I would burn for eternity if it meant I could remain at your side." The emotion in his voice, the firm way he held my gaze as he stated his feelings out loud made me go limp, my eyes watering. The intensity of it was like a sunburst, I didn't know how to respond. But I tried.
"...I want you to, Edward. I want to stand with you, too." My eyes brimmed over finally, and I took his hand now to place it against my cheek, the energy between us suddenly felt as though it had bloomed, massive and all encompassing like a peony flower bursting open in the sunlight. It had a depth, layers I couldn't see before, and I knew in that moment he felt it too, as he carefully rest his forehead against mine, both my tiny hands holding his to my cheek, nosing into the cold palm.
"I love you, Evangeline."
"I love you too, Edward."
We sat like that for what seemed like hours, eventually we laid down on our sides, me keeping still as Edward stroked my face and features with his cool hands, as though trying to memorize it, and I did the same, just visually, trying to lock this moment into my memories. It still didn't feel real. An archangel, dangerous and beautiful was telling me he loved me as he traced my lips with his thumb. I nearly started crying every time I thought about it. It must have been hours later when he broke the spell, having been gently stroking my hair back.
"I want to take you somewhere tomorrow, while the weather is nice." He murmured.
"Where?" I looked up at him, still melting under his touch.
"A place that is rather important to me. However, mainly, I want to break down the last of the secrecy. I want to show you what I become in the sunlight." I could see the fear in his expression, though he tried to hide it, and placed two fingers against my lips, and then his own. He seemed to realize after a moment what that was, gently pressing his lips more firmly against my indirect kiss.
"Of course I'll come, when I said I wanted to know all of you, I meant it…"
"I'll come in the morning, you would probably like some time to prepare and sleep, hm?" His voice now was so gentle, so sweet, I closed my eyes as he stroked my cheek almost sadly.
"As...much as I don't want you to leave…" I sighed, I did need a shower, to shave, to eat…
He leaned forward, slowly, carefully placing his lips to my forehead.
"Dress for the outdoors, sleep well, love. I'll be here at seven."
I felt a gust of air, and he was gone, my window left cracked enough that my curtains blew gently in the breeze from outside.
I'd thought Denny's was a date, no, this was a date. I immediately jumped to my closet. I started piling clothes onto my bed, trying to come up with something to wear...the outdoors hm? I googled and looked at some inspiration, growling and clicking through image results until I had an outfit in mind.
Black Athletic leggings, my special occasion soft cup bra that matched my skin tone, and a loose, blousy button down with a cropped white cami underneath. Keep it simple and make sure I didn't sweat. I could pull off just tennis shoes right? Yeah. I laid that out, then nearly ran to the bathroom.
"KAIN IF YOU HAVE TO PEE DO IT NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PISS." I yelled into the apartment, hearing a groan as he knew that meant I would be commandeering the bathroom.
I took a shower, scrubbing every inch of myself and shaving my legs, underarms and bikini line, just in case. It at least made me feel sexier. Shampoo, conditioner, wash my face. I even took the time to blow out my hair, carefully using a round brush to accent my curls. I tucked it into a careful bun, putting on deodorant liberally and a spritz of my favorite perfume. Once I'd taken a couple breaths in the mirror I went back to my room, setting my alarm for 6 A.M., slumping onto my bed. I felt like I'd never fall asleep, but eventually I did, dreaming about nonsense. I couldn't tell if I was excited or nervous, maybe both? I knew for a fact I couldn't wait to see him again.
When I got up I rushed my morning routine, continuing to look out the living room window for his black BMW. I pulled on my outfit, making sure it sit right, inhaled my breakfast, swiped on a little makeup, and waited impatiently for his text.
I flew down the stairs with my bag; I yanked the glass door of the buildings entrance open at last, and there he was. All the agitation dissolved as soon as I looked at his face, calm taking its place. I breathed a sigh of relief — yesterday's fears seemed very foolish with him here.
He wasn't smiling at first — his face was somber. But then his expression lightened as he looked me over, and he laughed.
"Good morning," he chuckled.
"What's wrong?" I glanced down to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything important, like shoes, or pants.
"We match." He laughed again. I realized he had a white button down on, with a white V-neck collar showing underneath, and black slim fit jeans. I laughed with him, hiding a secret twinge of regret — why did he have to look like a runway model when I couldn't?
I followed him to the BMW, and he opened the passenger door for me. We sat in silence at first as the engine purred to life and he pulled out of our apartment parking lot, getting onto a highway going south. Once again he was driving at a speed I didn't recognize, but instead of filling me with fear, now it excited me, made my heart pulse.
We were soon out of the town limits. Thick underbrush and green-swathed trunks replaced the lawns and houses.
I was surprised at how far south we were going, watching mountains rise up around us as he drove into an even deeper wilderness
"Now we drive until the pavement ends."
I could hear a smile in his voice, and I looked to him, confirming the soft turn of his lips.
"And what's there, at the pavement's end?" I wondered.
"A trail."
"We're hiking?" Thank god I'd worn tennis shoes.
"Is that a problem?" He sounded as if he'd expected as much.
"No." I tried to make the lie sound confident. But if he thought my truck was slow…
"Don't worry, it's only five miles or so, and we're in no hurry."
Five miles. I didn't answer, so that he wouldn't hear my voice crack in panic. Five miles of treacherous roots and loose stones, trying to twist my ankles or otherwise incapacitate me. This was going to be humiliating.
We drove in silence for a while as I contemplated the coming horror.
"What are you thinking?" he asked impatiently after a few moments.
I lied again. "Just wondering where we're going."
"It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice." We both glanced out the windows at the thinning clouds after he spoke. "Did you tell Kain we were going on a trip together?"
"Oh, no." I looked at him again, explaining I was going on a date to Kain would have made things ten times more difficult than they had to be. And knowing what he was, I didn't want to leave a trail that could lead back to him.
"Oh, then your friends?"
"No."
"No one knows you're with me?" Angrily, now.
"That depends… I assume you told Alice?"
"That's very helpful, Eva," he snapped.
I pretended I didn't hear that.
"Are you so depressed by the weather that it's made you suicidal?" he demanded when I ignored him.
"You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly," I reminded him.
"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me— if you don't come home?" His voice was still angry, and bitingly sarcastic.
I nodded, keeping my eyes on the road.
He muttered something under his breath, speaking so quickly that I couldn't understand.
We were silent for the rest of the drive. I could feel the waves of infuriated disapproval rolling off of him, and I could think of nothing to say.
And then the road ended, constricting to a thin foot trail with a small wooden marker. He parked on the narrow shoulder and stepped out, It was warm now, warmer than it had been in Pullman since the day I'd arrived, almost muggy under the clouds. I pulled off my blouse and knotted it around my waist, glad that I'd worn the cami — especially if I had five miles of hiking ahead of me.
I heard his door slam, and looked over to see that he'd removed his sweater, too. He was facing away from me, into the unbroken forest beside his car.
"This way," he said, glancing over his shoulder at me, eyes still annoyed. He started into the dark forest.
"The trail?" Panic was clear in my voice as I hurried around the car to catch up to him.
"I said there was a trail at the end of the road, not that we were taking it."
"No trail?" I asked desperately.
"I won't let you get lost." He turned then, with a mocking smile, and I stifled a gasp. His white undershirt was short sleeved, the V neck so sharp that the smooth white skin of his throat flowed uninterrupted over the marble contours of his chest, his perfect musculature no longer merely hinted at behind concealing clothes. I felt myself grow hot as I tried to peel my eyes off of him. How on earth had this man chosen me, of all people?
He stared at me, bewildered by my tortured expression.
"Do you want to go home?" he said quietly, a different pain than mine saturating his voice.
"No." I walked forward till I was close beside him, anxious not to waste one second of whatever time I might have with him.
"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice gentle.
"I'm not a good hiker," I answered dully. "You'll have to be very patient."
"I can be patient — if I make a great effort." He smiled, holding my glance, trying to lift me out of my sudden, unexplained dejection.
I tried to smile back, but the smile was unconvincing. He scrutinized my face.
"I'll take you home," he promised. I couldn't tell if the promise was unconditional, or restricted to an immediate departure. I knew he thought it was fear that upset me, and I was grateful again that I was the one person whose mind he couldn't hear.
"If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you'd better start leading the way," I said dejectedly. He frowned at me, struggling to understand my tone and expression.
He gave up after a moment and led the way into the forest.
It wasn't as hard as I had feared. The way was mostly flat, and he held the damp ferns and webs of moss aside for me. When his straight path took us over fallen trees or boulders, he would help me, lifting me by my waist, and then releasing me instantly when I was clear. His cold touch on my skin never failed to make my heart thud erratically. Twice, when that happened, I caught a look on his face that made me sure he could somehow hear it.
I tried to keep my eyes away from his face and chest as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, I quickly darted my eyes away before he could catch my gaze.
For the most part, we walked in silence. Occasionally he would ask a random question that he hadn't gotten to in the past months of our coffee dates. He asked about my birthdays, my grade school teachers, had a quick debate about whether or not hot pockets were ravioli-I won that one, but pissed him off when I also suggested Pop tarts were ravioli.
The hike took me most of the morning, but he never showed any sign of impatience. The forest spread out around us in a boundless labyrinth of ancient trees, and I began to be nervous that we would never
find our way out again. He was perfectly at ease, comfortable in the green maze, never seeming to feel any doubt about our direction.
After several hours, the light that filtered through the canopy transformed, the murky olive tone shifting to a brighter jade. The day had turned sunny, just as he'd foretold. For the first time since we'd entered the woods, I felt a thrill of excitement — which quickly turned to impatience.
"Are we there yet?" I teased, pretending to scowl.
"Nearly." He smiled at the change in my mood. "Do you see the brightness ahead?"
I peered into the thick forest. "Um, should I?"
He smirked. "Maybe it's a bit soon for your eyes."
"Time to visit the optometrist," I muttered. His smirk grew more pronounced.
But then, after another hundred yards, I could definitely see a brightening in the trees ahead, a glow that was yellow instead of green. I picked up the pace, my eagerness growing with every step. He let me lead now, following noiselessly.
I reached the edge of the pool of light and stepped through the last fringe of ferns into the loveliest place I had ever seen. The meadow was small, perfectly round, and filled with wildflowers — violet, yellow, and soft white. Somewhere nearby, I could hear the bubbling music of a stream. The sun was directly overhead, filling the circle with a haze of buttery sunshine. I walked slowly, awestruck, through the soft grass, swaying flowers, and warm, gilded air. I halfway turned, wanting to share this with him, but he wasn't behind me where I thought he'd be. I spun around, searching for him with sudden alarm.
Finally I spotted him, still under the dense shade of the canopy at the edge of the hollow, watching me with cautious eyes. Only then did I remember what the beauty of the meadow had driven from my mind — the enigma of Edward and the sun, which he'd promised to illustrate for me today.
I took a step back toward him, my eyes alight with curiosity. His eyes were wary, reluctant. I smiled encouragingly and beckoned to him with my hand, taking another step back to him. He held up a hand in warning, and I hesitated, rocking back onto my heels.
Edward seemed to take a deep breath, and then he stepped out into the bright glow of the midday sun.