AN: Thank you for reading and for all your support! The next few chapters are ones that mean a lot to me and are incredibly personal to me. Please take care of yourselves. TW: depression, alludes to suicide
Midoriya tilts the pan at an angle so the fluffy scrambled egg slides easily onto the plate of rice. He grabs a pair of chopsticks and makes a slit across the center of the omurice. It's gooey and soft in the middle, steam rising up and making Midoriya's mouth water. He smiles, thinking "Chef Izuku" has a nice ring to it if the hero thing doesn't work out anymore. Maybe once I retire.
Before he can take the plate to the kitchen table, his phone vibrates on the counter. He wipes his sticky hands on the dish towel over his shoulder and swipes the speaker button without looking at the screen. "Deku here."
"MIDORIYA! What the actual fuck, dude?!" The voice cracks at "dude" and Midoriya has to purse his lips to keep from laughing. That high pitch screech is all too familiar.
"Hi Kaminari," Midoriya drawls. He takes the plate in one hand and his phone in the other. "How's it going?"
"Don't you be all cute, Midoriya," he says, his words coming out too fast in his excitement. "This is serious!"
Midoriya uses his foot to pull out a chair from the dining table and sits down. He places the phone on the table, but decides to bring the plate to his lips and start stuffing his face. "Wh' aryou sying?" he asks with his mouth full.
"What?" Kaminari asks on the other line. "Dude, you're breaking up."
"Let me talk to him!" another familiar voice says on the other line. "Hello? Izuku? It's Mina. You there?"
By now, he's used to his friends' antics. Sometimes they have a valid reason for getting all worked up, but most of the time it's just them...being them. Midoriya takes a minute to chew and swallow his delicious creation, savoring just a few moments of tranquility before answering.
"Hey, Mina," says Midoriya, licking his lips. He sets the plate aside and leans back. "What's going on?"
"Um, don't play dumb, Izuku," says Ashido. Her tone sounds different than usual, leveled and serious. It makes the hairs on Midoriya's arms stand up.
He sits up suddenly and grabs his phone. Maybe something is wrong. "I'm super lost. Is it because I didn't tell you I was in Japan? Shoto wanted to keep it -"
"Kirishima is alive." Her voice cuts through like a knife. "Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me he hasn't been alive all this time."
It's completely silent. All Midoriya can hear is his own breathing. He can feel his hands getting clammy. He's been so worried about the press that Midoriya forgot that all their friends would be reading the news as well. He can't imagine how shocked they were when the headlines broke this morning. "I...can't," Midoriya responds. "It's true. He's alive. He was undercover. I'm sorry, I can't say more until their agency moves forward with his statement."
"Where is he?" she demands. "Tell me now."
Midoriya freezes. She wouldn't come over, would she? Midoriya hasn't let anyone know where he's staying, but it isn't hard to figure out. Have they tried calling Shoto? He's usually pretty good at screening calls (and ignoring them). Would they go to Bakugou's? That would be really bad. He wishes they had thought about a contingency plan in advance, but everything happened so fast. As hard as it is, he needs to somehow convince her to let them handle it for now.
"I can't tell you," Midoriya answers. "Mina, I'm sorry."
She sighs. "Izuku. He's our friend, too. We're going crazy over here."
"Don't keep us in the dark, Midoriya," Kaminari's voice is heard in the background. "It's not fair."
Midoriya sighs. They're right, of course. They've been treating Kirishima's life like a game of chess, his death a strategic move in taking down the guild. For Kirishima and Todoroki, the last three years were staged. It was scripted. It was fake. Some of the more unforgiving media outlets called it a hoax. But, real people were hurt. Real people grieved.
Midoriya knew it was a bad idea from the beginning and he still went through with it. He's just as culpable for the mess they're all in. There were many times when Midoriya was tempted to drag Kirishima out of the guild himself and expose him. When the guilt started eating away at him, he left the country. At first he convinced himself that it was to expand his horizons. Make him a better hero. But, really he was just running away.
Midoriya jumps at the sound of the front door opening. Who is home? Midoriya covers the receiver of his phone and lowers his voice, hoping that Ashido and Kaminari can hold out just a little while longer. "Look, I agree. But, it's not my place to say and it's not my decision." He inhales and lets out a long breath. "I'll do what I can. Hang tight and trust me for now. I gotta go"
He hangs up and quickly pockets his phone, hurrying out of the kitchen to greet whoever came home. Keep it light. Put on a smile, no matter who it is.
He frowns when he sees Kirishima standing near the entryway, stooped over. His black bangs are matted over his puffy eyes and swollen cheeks. It startles Midoriya how different Kirishima looks. He often has to remind himself that this man standing in Todoroki's apartment is Eijiro, Red Riot, his former classmate, his friend; he replays that reminder over and over in his head until it sticks.
"Eijiro," Midoriya says quietly. It's all he can think of to say without overwhelming him or making things worse. Obviously, the talk with Bakugou didn't go well. But, just how bad was it? He wants to ask. He wants to know so he can fix it.
"What was I thinking?" Kirishima asks, lifting his head. He looks ahead, a vacant look in his eyes. "I'm so stupid."
Midoriya steps forward carefully. There's a deep desire to pull his friend into an embrace and hold him, but something stops Midoriya in his tracks. He is sure that the old Kirishima wouldn't mind it, but...what about this Kirishima? No, Midoriya scolds himself. It's the same person. He's the same. He pushes through his original doubts and takes a few more steps towards the entryway.
"Don't," Kirishima says sternly. "Don't touch me."
His voice is darker than Midoriya is used to. He halts mid-step and holds his breath. It's frustrating, not knowing what to say or do. Midoriya can feel Kirishima's broken-heartedness tangibly in the air. All he can do is stand there as his friend trembles in the shadows, silent sobs escaping his mouth. You have to do something, say something. Think, Izuku.
"I'm here, Eijiro," Midoriya says, unsure if it resonates. Unsure if Kirishima is even listening at this point. "I can sit with you for as long as you need. You don't have to talk and I won't say a thing. Or you can vent and be a mess, and I still won't say a thing. I just need you to know I'm right here for you."
Kirishima doesn't produce a single word. The longest three minutes Midoriya's ever experienced pass and he wonders if he should say something else. Or maybe lead Kirishima to sit down. Midoriya twists the hem of his shirt, running through a hundred different lines he can try out if Kirishima doesn't respond in the next minute.
"Worthless," Kirishima whispers so quietly that Midoriya thinks his ears are playing tricks on him. "I messed up bad."
Midoriya's heart sinks. Everything he feared would happen is happening far worse than he imagined. Sure, they're Heroes and have all the training in the world to fight tough villains, diffuse high pressure situations, rescue hundreds of people at a time. But, they're just as much human as they are Heroes. Their hearts and spirits can still be broken, just as easily as anyone else's.
"It's not true, Eijiro," Midoriya claims, making sure Kirishima can hear the sincerity in his voice. "You're not worthless."
Kirishima turns his head to look at him, his eyes glowing in the dim hallway. "I messed up."
No, Midoriya almost says instinctively, but he restrains himself. He can't lie to him. He can't go against his principles anymore. He has to be honest, no matter what, to atone for all the deception. "We all did," Midoriya says. "We all messed up, Eijiro." He moves towards him until he can lay a hand on his shoulder.
Kirishima recoils and breaks their gaze. His lips quiver when he mutters, "My fault."
"Our fault," Midoriya corrects, giving Kirishima's shoulder a squeeze. "Eijiro, we did you a disservice. We let you down as a hero. We let you down as a friend. It shouldn't have gone this way."
Kirishima shuts his eyes and clenches his teeth. Midoriya watches his friend weep, his body shaking, his throat ejecting half-suppressed sobs. "Izuku," he chokes. "If...I w-wasn't so...hellbent on b-being some bigshot pro-"
"Then some of the city's most dangerous criminals would still be out there," Midoriya finishes for him. "Good still came out of this. Good came out of this." Funnily, this fact almost escaped Midoriya for a moment. But, it's true. Kirishima is a hero.
"Izuku?" Kirishima's voice breaks. He opens one eye and shrugs his shoulders, very shyly asking, "Can you...h-hold me f-for a few m-minutes?"
A wave of relief washes over Midoriya. Kirishima's letting him in. That's a start. It's a really good start. He's going to be okay. Midoriya offers him a small smile and runs his hand all the way down Kirishima's arm, interlacing their fingers. "I'd love to. I'll hold you for as long as you need."
Midoriya leads him to the living room, dimly lit by the moonlight streaming from the windows. It's chillier than usual, so Midoriya grabs the wool blanket from the ottoman near the fireplace. He plops himself on the sofa and places a pillow on his lap.
"Come here," Midoriya says, patting the pillow. Kirishima does as instructed without a sound, climbing onto the sofa, his head lying comfortably on the pillow. Midoriya throws the blanket over Kirishima so that he's thoroughly covered and wraps him in an embrace.
"Thanks, Izuku," Kirishima whispers, shivering slightly. "You've been a good friend."
Midoriya starts caressing Kirishima's face tenderly, wiping the hair away from his forehead and sweeping it behind his ear. Kirishima's eyelids flutter and his breathing becomes steadier. "Shh…" Midoriya says, stroking his face, hoping that his fingers can magically expel all the anguish Kirishima must be feeling. He waits until his friend is softly snoring until he dares close his own eyes and drifts to sleep.
\\\
Midoriya wakes to Kirishima thrashing around in his lap, the blanket having been kicked off. "EIJIRO!" Terror spreads through Midoriya's body seeing the strained look on Kirishima's face. His eyes are squeezed closed. Panicked noises come out of his throat. Midoriya tries to snatch his arms, but they're flailing uncontrollably.
What are you dreaming about? Midoriya struggles to pin Kirishima down. He can only imagine what Kirishima has had to endure in the guild and he hates that he might be reliving it at this very moment. Midoriya attempts to grab Kirishima's arms again, but his jaw is met with something hard and sharp as stone.
"Nggghh," Midoriya groans. He tastes blood. With a sustained breath, Midoirya uses his own quirk to seize Kirishima's wrists in one motion and holds him down. "Eijiro," he sputters in pain. He shakes Kirishima firmly, repeating his name until he jolts awake.
Kirishima's scarlet eyes are wide and round; beads of sweat slide down his temple. "Izuku," he breathes, looking at him wildly. "Shit…" he reaches for Midorya's jaw, but stops when he sees his hardened hand. "Shit. Did I...?"
"It's fine," says Midoriya, trying not to wince. Kirishima doesn't need to see him hurt right now. "How about you? Are you okay?"
Kirishima sits up and lurches forward, putting his head between his knees. Midoriya rubs his back, hoping it soothes him. He resists checking his own injury. "I'm so sorry," Kirishima says, shaking his head. He stands up and starts walking away. "I'm...I'm just gonna splash some cold water on my face. I'll be right back."
"Okay," Midoriya replies with a frown. He listens to the creaking floorboards beneath Kirishima's footsteps as it fades in the distance and ends with the bathroom door closing down the hall. Midoriya touches his jaw gingerly and flinches. There's a large bruise starting to form beneath his cheekbone. Luckily, it doesn't seem like anything is broken.
He stands and starts walking to the kitchen to clean himself up. The front door swings open as he passes the entryway and Midoriya is surprised to see Todoroki on the other side, nose wrinkled, forehead creased with frustration.
"Shoto?" Midoriya's voice is muffled. He can feel a drop of blood trickling from the corner of his mouth.
"Midoriya, what happened?" Todoroki's face changes in an instant, his eyes lit with worry. He kicks off his shoes and rushes over.
"It's nothi-" Midoriya's response is clipped by Todoroki's smooth fingertips on his cheek. He had no idea just how much he misses Todoroki's touch until now. He feels so safe and warm, and he can't help but close his eyes, pretending that he still lived here, that Torodoki was just coming home, and about to greet him with a kiss.
"Let's clean you up," Todoroki says. His hand leaves Midoriya's face and the hole in Midoriya's heart pulses. "There's a first aid kit under the sink."
Midoriya follows him to the kitchen, wondering if Todoroki is planning to stay the night. Since his arrival, Todoroki has only slept in his own apartment once, the night before the raid. They haven't had a chance to be alone until now. Midoriya has been hoping for some one-on-one time with him, eager to know if a genuine friendship is still possible between them. Does it have to happen now when he can barely open his mouth?
Todoroki opens the cabinet beneath the sink and pulls out a small, blue box. "It doesn't seem like your jaw is dislocated."
"No," Midoriya replies, words a bit slurred. "It's not that bad."
Todoroki puts a pair of gloves on and grabs a gauze swab from the kit. "I'll clean your cuts then you can put an icepack on." He walks over to Midoriya and starts carefully dabbing his face. Midoriya tries not to grimace too much at the solution stinging his skin. They're both quiet as Todoroki cleans his wound.
After a few minutes, Todoroki opens his mouth, likely to ask what happened again, but Midoriya cuts him off, itching to ask his own question first.
"Are you staying over tonight?"
Todoroki pauses for a split second to look at him before grabbing a new swab. "I'll sleep on the couch," he replies.
Midoriya hides his frown. A small part of him wants to ask Todoroki if he wants to share a bed together. Is it too selfish to ask for one night with Todoroki beside him? Is it too crazy to ask for one night to forget everything and bask in each other's warmth?
"You can rinse your mouth now," Todoroki says, peeling the gloves off. Midoriya walks over to the sink, turns the faucet on, and cups his hand under the running, cold water. He gargles a few times, swishing the water in his mouth and spitting the remnants in the sink.
"Tell me what happened," Todoroki says. Not a question this time.
Midoriya splashes the water on his face, enjoying the tiny bit of refreshment it offers. "I tried waking Eijiro up from a nightmare and he kind of... slugged me."
"Where is Kirishima by the way?" asks Todoroki.
Oh, right. Midoriya glances at the hallway. Did Kirishima walk out without him knowing? Without them hearing the bathroom door open? He can faintly hear the water running from inside the bathroom so perhaps he's soaking in the bath.
"He said he'd be right back…" Midoriya says, but his voice trails off, an uncomfortable feeling sinking in his stomach.
Todoroki studies him, slowly making his way across the kitchen. "Did he seem off?"
That sinking feeling in Midoriya's stomach twists. His eyes go wide. Todoroki can't be thinking that Kirishima would do something that reckless...right? "He was really distraught when he came home."
Todoroki makes a run for the hallway, startling Midoriya. He follows closely behind, thinking that it isn't possible. Kirishima was letting him in; Midoriya was just holding him not too long ago. Confusion racks his brain. Was I being that unbelievably optimistic?
"Oh god," Midoriya whispers as water hits the soles of his feet. A thin stream seeps from the crack under the bathroom door. Midoriya's knees buckle and he knows the worst has happened. His heart shatters inside. He curses himself for being so oblivious.
Todoroki doesn't knock and instead rams the bathroom door with his shoulder. The hinges detach from the frame with a loud crack and the door flies open.
"Eijiro!" calls Midoriya, trying to push past Todoroki, practically begging every god and spirit to prove his suspicions wrong. Please, let this be just some embarrassing misunderstanding.
"Izuku, wait!" Todoroki blocks the threshold and holds Midoriya back. "Go call an ambulance. Please. You don't want to see this."