Vanessa makes new friends, looks to move on by moving out, but she loses sight of what's right in front of her. But she finds a remedy for that.
Is her facade starting to crack?

I'm posting Chapter 14 and 15 back to back because 14 was broken the first time around. My bad!

Well, that's a long one, but I couldn't figure out how to break it into smaller parts.
Hope you are still tagging along and appreciate the story!

It took Vanessa nearly three months to get an actual partner and a steady posting in patrol.
After her first couple of days working the inventory, she started out filling in all kinds of odd hours and last-minute changes for cause of injury, sickness, births, and other unexpected events.
She had to partner up with a bunch of different officers from the district and suffer the sneer remarks about her demotion. For a while she was the main character of Patrol life, everyone was speculating on how she ended up being transferred down to Patrol, it had happened before to Atwater and Ruzek but never longer than a few weeks, whereas in her case, it didn't look like she was about to be detailed back up any time soon, they even had filled up her position with a transplant from Homicide...it looked as if her former unit had forgotten about her.

The most trending rumor was about that infamous shooting from a few months prior now, word had it she hadn't been completely cleared from that incident and her penance had been her demotion.
Others were even saying she had an affair with one of the detectives and got blackballed because of that, some other theorized that she was just lousy at her job, and after a while, she wasn't performing to Intelligence standards so they had to cut her off.
But Vanessa didn't really mind; nothing could touch her, not after what she went through, she never cared. She just punched in as many hours as she could, was always the first to volunteer for all kinds of extra tasks, and was logging so much OT her sergeant had to give her mandatory time-off so others could also claim some.

The work had been a life-line for her, even if for whatever reason she always only inherited the most boring districts with the most boring calls, she succeeded in having a clear rate above everyone else in her shift, she even had drawn some positive attention to herself with a couple of busts above her rank, after those events, people were starting to talk about her with a bit more nuance, and eventually, her daily life improved a whole notch when she was partnered with a transplant named Amber Pao, another young recruit who had graduated from the police academy in Peoria, a smaller town in the southern part of Illinois, and had moved recently to Chicago.
Her new partner didn't know anything about the 21st internal politics and she didn't look like one who would believe these gossips anyway.

"You're going right?"
"Hmm? What?" answers Vanessa snapping out of her thoughts, "Going where?"
"The Commendation ceremony, are you gonna go?"
"I guess yeah... I don't really have a choice, do I?"
"I don't know, it's not like graduation or anything..."
Contemplating the letter they received, both Amber and Vanessa were being commended for outstanding services rendered to the community, when they inadvertently stumbled unto an unsuspected drug operation in a quiet neighborhood in Hyde Park and helped Narcotics take down a ring of housewives drug slingers.

"Personally, I never accomplished anything of that scale since I started so I won't say no to free breakfast, a medal, and a round of applause from the brass!" says Amber in a sing-song voice.

Vanessa absentmindedly agrees with her partner, she had an automatic kneejerk reaction when it comes to anything having to do with CPD bureaucracy, but then thought why not, after all, it would draw more attention than not if she doesn't go, and after all, it was just a short affair of a couple of hours and then everybody would all go back to their assignments and forget about it.

Truth is she was actually focusing on a whole other topic, she was expecting a couple of answers on flat applications she'd made at the beginning of the month and she had only received so far a string of nos, so she was directing all her hope on one of the cheaper listings she had applied to.

None of them have discussed again the living situation since the initial arrangement, they were always postponing it due to the insane amount of work they were all under.
Intelligence had a couple of long undercover operations going on and Vanessa herself was burying herself in her work resulting in the three of them barely having time to be at the flat at the same time let alone wind down and discuss a subject as serious as that. Mostly because no-one had a reason to complain about it. But Vanessa has had enough of being the charity case, Kim had to sacrifice her living situation to help them out, Hailey was subletting her flat to a friend in the meantime, and both of them have insisted Vanessa only pay for utilities while they split the rent in two.
This arrangement was very profitable to her but it made her feel worse than anything.
Vanessa hadn't come so far to be another person's burden, therefore she was looking for her own flat so she could move out and automatically free Hailey to go back to her house if that's what she wanted, and for Kim to reclaim her space.
So she was spending all her free time, forced and otherwise going to appartement sightings and sending applications but it wasn't as easy as she'd thought.
The most significant downside she had to face with her demotion was a non-negligible loss of income, and even with her Overtime bonuses she couldn't make up for what she was making before in Intelligence, she had no seniority, no one to be her caution, not the most attractive last name, no husband or kids or anything of the sort so she was stuck at entry-level CPD pay, which was shit.
She had thought being a civil servant would put one on top of the pile of good tenants, but the competition was fierce in these streets.
The city was attracting a lot of new money and compared to the caste of young executives she was hardly a top choice.
But she really needed this, she was harassing the rental agency every free moment she had but they were impliable, they said they would contact the eligible tenant that evening at 6 pm. A whole other hour to go.

XXXXXX

"Aaaargh ! FUCK !"
Kim runs panicked into Vanessa's room, the young woman was staring at her phone which she apparently just threw against the wall.
"What is it?! What's wrong?" slowly coming back to her senses Vanessa walks a couple of meters separating her from her phone and picks it up to check if it was damaged then looks at Kim and says "Nothing, I'm sorry I startled you, just some news I was... wasn't expecting."
"Oh, nothing too bad I hope. Wanna talk about it?" says Kim relaxing a bit, observing her friend's blank face trying to go back to normal, feigning a smile; a look she was too accustomed to, there was no way Vanessa would actually tell her what was up as usual.
"No, really it's nothing I'm sorry I caused all this commotion, please just forget about it, just a stupid idea I had. Anyway, want some help in the kitchen?"
As usual, the poor deflection to something else, only works because the girls let her get away with it, but it was a lot... a lot of unanswered questions, a lot of angsty moods, a lot of staring at nothing, a lot of avoidance, and a lot of nightmares... they saw it all but every time they'd ask she'd deflect, pretend she had no idea what they were talking about, or just abruptly swaying conversation in a direction she preferred.
They were letting her get away with it, but for how much longer?

Vanessa woke up the next day feeling even worse, she had barely slept through the night, which was her new normal any way, but that night she was pissed, she really thought this was the one, she couldn't wait to announce to her roommates she'd found a place to herself and move out.
It was nothing against them, but lately, she started to feel like something was fishy in the atmosphere, she would hear them whisper things when they thought she wasn't around, or stop a conversation as soon as she was in the room. At first, she thought it was related to Intelligence work, where everything was supposedly confidential, but lately, she was starting to feel like they were talking about her, and how her presence wasn't welcome anymore. It reminded her of some of the places she lived in before, and it always starts this way, the whispers first, then the dismissal.
But she was adamant not to be the victim of the situation this time she would be the one calling the shots.

XXXXXXX

"Gosh Vanessa, want more coffee with that coffee ?" Amber welcomed her at City Hall that morning where the ceremony was taking place.
"Hey! Don't start, I just … I'm exhausted." Answers Vanessa without even looking up, still pouring coffee in her cup, "I thought you were deserting me, it's already past 8!"
"Yeah well, all that overtime will do that to you, and of course I wouldn't leave it to you to get all the credit! Did you save me a bagel or even a donut?" adds Amber circling around the buffet table to find some leftover food.
It was 8 in the morning, and apparently, free breakfast was a good enough bait for the officers to be on time wherever you needed them, save for Amber which was getting famous for her tardiness, still not used to the city's traffic.

There were a couple dozen officers receiving medals for their work that day, queueing in the lateral side of the stage; the public was a mix of civilians, the family of the officers, and other police officers here to congratulate their colleagues, nothing too grandiose, but for some reason today the ceremony hall was packed.
On the stage, the Mayor's team, some mid-level ranking officers detached from HQ, and some local press were scattered around the room.
The ceremony was planned to start at 8.30 am sharp, reminded them a City Hall official "At 7.45 we open the buffet, then at 8.15 you're expected on the queue by the stage in alphabetical order, then you get on the stage collect your medal and a handshake and it's all over before you realize it." That was the drill, always has been.

That day, if she hadn't been so bummed by the agency refusal and if she had slept better she would've clocked that some things were out of the ordinary.
If she hadn't been so distracted, she would've seen how stressed two of their other patrol friends, officer Danielle Banks and Sarah Kassick who were permanently detailed to the City Hall perimeter were when they quickly came around to say hello, she would have clocked how tight the security and the execution of the ceremony had been thus far.
If she hadn't hidden to her roommates her invite maybe they would've told her it was particularly fancy looking that year.
Really, any of these occurrences would've prepared her better for what happened when it happened.

"We give thanks as a community to those who go out every day to complete the thankless tasks of keeping this city safe..."
everything that followed this sentence was drowned in a sea of deafening burdening clogging her ears.
She recognized the voice before she got to see the face.
The way she was standing in the short queue was barring her view from him, but she knew nevertheless.
Nausea was hitting her, her temperature rose to a hundred degrees in a second, her knees going weak, she feels like she needs to duck down like to escape a bullet, she needs out.
Her breathing unsteady and ragged she staggers out of the lane, she needs to find a wall to help herself stand.
After a short walk behind the stage, she finds herself a wall and slides down on the floor her cap in her lap, and untightening her tie while drenching in sweats struggling to breathe.

"Are you ok? Officer" A stage manager comes to check on her, her colleagues still in line don't show if they saw her leaving her position or not.
"Should I call 911? Are you ok?" the man repeats.
She starts coming back to herself; call 911? What for? They were 911.
"No no no, no need, I'm ok. I just... I just humm I just hadn't had anything to eat, just a bit of hypoglycemia that's all." the lie comes easy to her, if she wanted to have a shot at controlling what was happening she needed to keep this under wrap.
"it happens yeah with all the standing and the waiting and the lighting... there let me get you some water."
Standing up she ponders about accepting it but quickly declines instead.
"No need, really I'm ok, I'll get some later, they gonna call my name soon."
He insists a couple more times before letting her escape his care.
"Officer! Officer!" she turns around ready to violently tell him to give her some space, but when she faces him, he presents her with her forgotten cap, gives it to her and doesn't wait for his thank you, and hurries back to his posting.

"Congratulations Rojas!" it's hard for her to process the shock of seeing all of intelligence minus Voight welcoming her when it's all over.
"God! What are you all doing here?"
"Did you really think we would miss the commendation of our rising star for anything in the world?" answers Ruzek.
"But how did you..." she stammers, "How did we know the Superintendant and the Mayor were giving out the medals this year? Like how we know everything else, there's a police crisis at the moment so of course, they couldn't miss a free occasion to do some positive PR during the most boring police event of the year. " says Kevin, then adds "No offense!" they all laugh and offer more congratulations, surrounded by her old team she feels overwhelmed and shitty for having thought she would get away with this, she wants out, she wants this to be over, she can't formulate a full sentence, and she hates the looks Hailey and Kim are throwing at her.
"Vanessa, are you ok? You look like you've seen a ghost." Hailey asks her very low when she levels to her.
"I'm good! It's just I'm so surprised you all came, that's all."
"Yeah... about that, why wouldn't you tell us that.." but she is cut mid-sentence with Amber's interruption.
"Vanessa, be a good partner and introduce me, is that's the famous intelligence gang ?"

How could this have happened?
Vanessa was feeling trapped.
The brouhaha of congratulations and shop chat had gone on for another 10 minutes then her former team had split to go back to their assignments, and herself and Amber drove back to their assigned district for that day.
Amber was driving and chit-chatting her ears off with the excitement of their morning, asking questions on how each of the people of intelligence was as a person, but Vanessa couldn't focus on that.
She was lost in a loop of terror from hearing his voice... seeing him...him calling her name...the mayor presenting her with her medal...him thanking her for her services...then the dump of shock when she realized her whole team was there, witnessing this.

Unbeknownst to the pair, Sergeant Platt had decided she couldn't in good faith detail them to sleepy neighborhoods, it would look fishy now that they've gone and received praise and medals for their work on the field. Whatever the reason was for Kim and Hailey to have had asked her this favor, she had done the best she could without raising red flags and without penalizing the young patrol-officers too much. But that was then and this is now.
And this is how they received the call to the robbery in progress in a gas station in their beat.

"We caught a robbery? What the hell ?! This day just keeps on giving !" exclaims Amber, excited at the idea of seeing actual action and not just stumbling upon it by accident.

An hour later at the precinct, they were being dismissed for the day.
They'd come in too late and by the time they made it to the gas station the clerk and two clients had been gunned down, they were then ropped in a short car chase that ended up in their car crashing in another car while the offenders got away until some tac-team finally got them.

They tried to fight Platt's dismissal off but she was unmovable.
"You've done enough for the day, go take a breather and come back tomorrow."
"But we can still..."
"Let it go, Pao, there are enough cops in this city to keep it running in your absence trust me."
"We're so sorry about the car." She tries then, thinking Platt was punishing them for totaling it.
"This has nothing to do with the car, you saw death today, and I don't want to have hyped up adrenaline-rushed cops patrolling the streets and being trigger happy because they're jumpy. Just take the afternoon ok? Did you pay attention to the superintendent this morning? This is new policy."
The dead bodies were the first thing that snapped Vanessa out of her misery. More suffering, more violence.
It had helped her power through the last couple of hours, but once again she feels punished by her sergeant, after all that, the last thing she needs, is more free time to herself, but she's got no choice.
It was in moments like this when she'd hope she had her own car, or her own flat so she could just get in there and lose it.

She wants to scream, to bounce off the walls, to break things, to hurt herself.
It was untenable. She couldn't fit into her own body.

"Let's go for a drink tonight, I think we need it, or I'll never be able to put this day behind me. And everybody will be there!"
"What?" Amber had just dropped her off at Kim's, it was not long after 3 pm.
"I said everybody is going out tonight to celebrate this morning or whatever, and we definitely need it too, I can pick you up around 9 ?"
"Molly's?"
Amber looks at her like she had just suggested the most boring place possible, "No, not Molly's the other one... what's it called, The Tavern? I hear it's where everybody goes."
Vanessa was in no mental space to concentrate on this conversation when suddenly she starts realizing this was a good idea, an excellent idea.
"Count me in."
She could at least drink her sadness away.

As expected in the middle of the afternoon there was no-one home, everything was so still and so silent.
After pondering for a few minutes how to ground herself instead of killing herself, Vanessa decides for a bath.
The scalding hot kind.
She holds onto every single bit of sanity she has left until she is sitting in there and finally let go.

She is not crying, she is keeping the promise she made to herself, he doesn't get any more of her tears, but god is she screaming.
She plants her nails in her thighs, she stays too long underwater, she pulls at her hair, and when there's nothing left in her, she just lays there, for hours.
How could she have let herself walk straight into the lion's den? The only reason she was so okay with her position in Patrol was that it was unlikely she'd have to deal with top brass anytime soon. It would be her, and her colleagues, the beat, the silly offenses, her desk sergeant, the cold, the wind, the snow, and repeat.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
But she had been so distracted, ignored all the signs, now all coming back to her, the packed room, all the press, the fancy invitation, everyone buzzing about it like never before. Had she talked about it with Kim or Hailey, they would have known, they would have told her this was a special one. But she hadn't, she set herself up again, like a stupid dear caught in flashlights.
She never learns.
He called out her name as he owned it, she felt like she was filled with lead while she walked the small distance to the podium.
He was a lot taller than she remembered, he was taking a lot more space than she wanted him to.
She never looked at him in the eyes, but she could feel his eyes tearing holes in her, she knew he would be smiling and it would have eaten her soul.
The whole ordeal must have lasted 30 seconds, but she could see it happening frame by frame, over and over again frozen forever in the horror of being at his mercy.

XXXXXX

When they park at the Tavern they can see it's packed.
Both Amber and Vanessa were in a party mood, arguably not for the same reasons, but in a party mood nonetheless.
For better or worse she will drink her sorrows away and it was long overdue.

"Hey! You started without us!" Shouts Vanessa to Sarah who was way underway into a solid hangover the next day, she and her partner Danielle were going through a line of tequila shots like it was spring break.
"No look we got you those!" Sarah extends them a couple of shots when the girls finally squeeze themselves into their spot at the bar.
"To the realest baddest police of Chicago!" Danielle shouts and they all down their drinks and order another round.

"Soooo Vanessa you have to tell us about that intelligence team of yours, everyone was so jealous they all came to congratulate you!"
"Yeah, is everything about Voight true? Does he really have a black site in the precinct?"
They could hardly hear each other, but alcohol helping, Vanessa starts ditching some harmless details about her old team.
"But you know one of them right?" asks Sarah to her partner Danielle, "Don't you know the one whose dad is on our district?"
"Ruzek? Yeah, I started out in his dad district cause our dads knew each other from the job, and we basically grew up a street apart in Canaryville."
"I thought there were only white people in this part of town." Amber interrupts, still new to Chicago's demography.
"Well my mom is White and grew up there, my dad moved in when they got married and he enrolled the same year as Ruzek senior in the force. It's not like we're tight or anything, but yeah I know him."
Vanessa now losing interest in the conversation is starring at her drink, cursing it cause she wasn't getting wasted as fast as she wanted, she was still too tethered to real life, she needed to forget.
"You look like you need some cheering."
A couple of faceless, nameless guys interrupt her brooding, looking friendly and no doubt cops, like most of them, young recruits from all over town were there tonight.
"You do not like you could cheer me up tho... so"
The two guys clapped each other back saying things like "ooooh...sick burn", then turning to the rest of the little gang, quickly introduce themselves and shout to the bartender, "Get these girls, oh sorry women, a round of whatever they're having, and 2 beers our way!". The 4 female cops look at each other, communicating silently seeing if they're agreeing or not at this invasion of space, and after a few seconds, they let them join their little group. They looked okay enough and were buying them drinks unprovoked. And this wasn't the kind of day where you refuse free drinks.

It was now around 11 pm and Sarah was the first one to call it, she could hardly stand at that point, so they put her on a Lyft and prayed she wouldn't puke on the poor guy's car then went back to their drinking.

"Where is Vanessa?" Danielle asks after some time without seeing their colleague, she and the two guys had disappeared.
"Amber, hey have you seen Vanessa?" she squeezes Amber's arm, who is fighting off sleepiness.
"I think she left with that guy, the cute one, or maybe she went to the bathroom, she told me something but I can't remember."
"I'm gonna look for her, stay here, do not go anywhere ok?"
Danielle goes around the bar 2 times before finally seeing the small frame of Vanessa towered by the two guys. Whatever was happening here doesn't look too good, they were all cops here, and hookups sometimes happened, it was frowned upon but no rules could ever prevent young people with unlimited access to alcohol to hook up wherever the lights were dimmed.
But one girl two guys? In this business? Not the best look.
"Girl, we've been looking for you," says Danielle with a wide smile and a pressing look, "Amber and I are ready to leave" she improvises, "Come on we'll share the ride home."
"But I'm not leaving, you can just go, I'm staying a bit longer."
"No I don't think that's a good idea, come on I need your help with Amber, she has an even lower tolerance than Sarah has..."
"I said I'm staying...we're having a discussion." The two guys are standing there, not wanting to get in the middle of something, but eventually one of them says, " She's a big girl, let her be, I'll make sure she makes it home safely!"
"What he said" adds the other one.

It was a tricky situation, she doesn't want to alienate fellow colleagues for no reason, she grew up blue, both sides, she knew everything about everyone who was everyone in this part of town. But she doesn't know them, and maybe that's a good thing actually.
Vanessa doesn't look like she could take good care of herself right now, even if they weren't that close at the end of the day it was girl code, she doesn't want her friend to wake up to regrets and a reputation the next day.

"Hey tell you what, don't be such a cop, come on let me get you to drink and we can all chill together," says the second guy putting an arm around her.
"Just for the record I don't swing that way, so thanks but no thanks."
She tries to profit from the situation to grab Vanessa by the elbow and drive her out of there, but she disengages herself, and tells her again she isn't leaving.
People were starting to stare.
Danielle knows better than creating a scene, she needs some help and the only one she could count on was really wasted too, but there was no way in hell she would ever let Vanessa leave this place alone with one of these guys.
Ranting and fuming she tries to make Amber come with her to get her partner and leave.

"Call that Ruzek guy then."
"What?" Amber struggling to make sense, repeats "Call Ruzek, tell him we require reinforcements" she giggles, "He can maybe convince her to not go do both of these guys".
"Come on you're making zero sense, I'll get you some water so you can start to sober up and I'll go get your partner and we all leave together."

Vanessa is in the best mood, she finally is in a good place, a place of total mental numbness. For the first time in months she feels like her old self, or at least not like her new self, she feels like a normal person having fun.
She let the two guys get too close, she laughs at their shitty jokes, let them brag about their work as if she wasn't twice the cop they were, and let one of them touch her arms and back way too much. But she doesn't care, it feels good.

"Do you wanna go somewhere else?"
She knows what this means, and she is very very tempted, until that point she never really thought about it, but the prospect of fucking the darkness out of her was starting to sound like a good idea.
But she doesn't want the second one to tag along, that was super weird. Not her ways.

"Yeah but just the two of us right?"
"I mean, he is my buddy, we live together so..."
That wasn't ideal, she doesn't want to do that, but she can't really think straight now, his hands are already on the small of her back trying to lead her out and hiding her from her friends.

"Mmh I don't know, maybe I should tell my friends then, give me a minute." But they knew that if she makes it to her friends they would never let her leave with them.
"Tommy will tell them, you can come with me to the car and..."
"No I have to get my stuff and tell the girls I'm leaving" she is slurring her words, she tries to move out of the small space in which they had cornered her, but they won't let her, she can hardly stand on her own, and she can't see Amber or Danielle from where she is.
"Come on don't be like that, we're between us, it's fine just let's get out of here."
Vanessa was starting to feel slightly annoyed, she couldn't panic per se because she had no way of assessing the danger of the situation... if she was half as drunk maybe... but now, she just wanted to let her friends know, that's it. But now she was floating, someone was carrying her from the floor.

"I think that's about far enough."