Author Note:
1. I deleted the previous chapter 29 and replaced it with this one, so did a rewrite of that scene (it is shorter now yee though less funny sorry) and included all the lovely transition scenes I've had stuck in my head for LITERAL MONTHS.
2. Mozuku is Jinbe's favorite food:)
3. Hopefully this chapter feels a little lighter
4. Fun Fact: IMBD (of all the places) says that a One Piece episode suggests the year is technically 1522 pre-timeskip. so it would be 1524 post-timeskip, and this story I gauge to be about a year after the Straw Hats are back together. So the year is 1525. Zoro is 22 and Tashigi is 24.
4. I started college again and also made the mistake of editing previous chapters before finishing the story sooooo, I apologize for the significantly longer updates between actual chapters.
Stick with me though. I have a plan and it's gonna be completed or so help me I cannot call myself a true weeb!
*sniffs and lifts fists in triumph and determination!*
[but seriously ya'll, thanks for putting up with my first time novel writing and all the dumb mistakes I'm making as an author and balancing story and character stuff and plot, and the stupidity of LITERALLY EDITING THE ROUGH DRAFT before I finish it I apologize thank you you're all amazing *cheers*]
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(1:20 am, 5th day after Rieno)
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I stare at the door knob, my hand resting on the cool metal as the !click! of the locking mechanism shutting echos through the kitchen, bouncing off walls and filling the silence for too long.
...what the hell was that.
Some hard rock knot carves into arteries, chest tight, every pump of blood hurts.
Why?
The echo dies, for a moment silence reigns, then her sobs slip through cracks in the wall, flickering sound waves that only hover a few feet past the wall separating infirmary and kitchen. and they hurt. Broken and quiet. Restrained even in grief.
frail.
My teeth clench- this isn't you. You're strong.
even strong people break.
Something aches inside.
She's frail.
and broken.
and hurt.
A gasp, then the sobs grow more muffled. Unobtrusive... ashamed. My grip tightens against cool metal I wanna stay.
I wanna stay.
-"-I can't TELL YOU"-
Every muscle shivers, pounding veins turn bitter.
pissed.
"tcht." I growl,
'cause I'm a f***ing pirate? Really traitor marine?
-"Haomzen will sacrifice-"-
f*** the marines.
No wonder she's broken.
and hurt.
...frail.
shattered fingers scrape my chest,she's fricking tiny.-
-fricking tiny.-
-she's-
Soft brown eyes, cracked to a million pieces, too open. letting me see.
letting me see her.
"shit."
the sobs stop, another gasp for air, silence rushing into the space. I wait, holding breath,
she doesn't cry again.
the ache gets heavier, twists my chest, sick and sinking. all knotted up. I've never wanted to bust down a door and strangle someone so much. I've never wanted to bust down a door and f***ing grab someone's shoulders and shake them till we're both dizzy and close.
I still wanna be close.
Silence reigns.
Wait-
"Fu-" I yank my hand off the door knob like it's molten lava, the handle now crushed with my finger imprints, and turn on my heel, stalking for the door to the main deck as she starts to weep again-her crying sobs grating- I walk faster out of the range of the hovering sound, past the table and chairs, grab the sake jug off the end of the counter, slam the kitchen door open, 3 steps forward, drop the sake jug beside my boots, grab the rail, shoulders tense up as I glare at nothing, knuckles white.
It's supposed to go away. I'm ignoring it. I don't even know what it is I'm-
-she stares at me, inches away, tears streaming, heart bare-willingly-'I'm not doing this to get acknowledged'-
"Why the hell tell me that?!" I growl- what is she?! Why does she-?!
"IgNORE IT." My grip on the wooden rail tightens more. My glare settles on the front mast, trying to shove questions away. Unnecessary, only lead to trouble, sign of weakness questions. My willpower is stronger than pathetic curiosity and other stuff. i WILL NOT-
-heart bare- willingly-
Forget it this isn't about me this is about her and why she's an IDIOT and "Are you trying to prove yourself to the guy who didn't acknowledge you when we met first? Sorry, pirate. not guy. I'm not a human just a demon legend so let that be the deciding factor for what the hell you were thinking spilling your guts and breaking down with me?!" I keep rambling as my head drops and I lift a hand to rub my face, "I should've- frick I should've sent Robin Navy Brat was gonna break no matter who was there cause of course you're snapping at the end would it kill you to sit still for a damn second and just process the hell you've gone through the past- I dunno. What did that village article say again? 6 weeks? And I know you're hiding something else. I know there's deeper stuff cause the level of crazy you've been functioning on is- sheesh." I seethe, running my hand through my hair, -I'm not doing this just to get acknowledged-
a prick of guilt.
"Wouldn't have said that stuff about pride and status and stuff out loud if I knew you had some inhuman ability to remember things when you're half dead in a tree rooooo why DO I CARE?! why am I-?-!-"
frick.
I rest my elbows on the rail and bury my face in my hands as I suppress the urge to groan.
That's not ignoring it idiot.
She doesn't. Matter.
"This isn't about her." I growl. "It's about Kuina I'm supposed to be finding balance with Kuina right now and that's the only reason I'm agreeing to be stuck on this stupid challenge thing soon NOT avenging some stupid village from the stupid Marines cause some woman is a self-sacrificing idiot and frick the village that stupid village they're gonna f***ing die if I don't- and she- gaaahhh!"
I throw my hands up in exasperation before spinning and leaning my back against the railing as I cross my arms with a sneer. IDIOT.
"Why is she so stubborn and stupid and kind and I know you're not doing it just to get acknowledged you idiot I know you're the poster girl of good and I'm fricking not so why do you keep doing cute whole stuff that makes me feel weird cause you're funny and a damn klutz but you- yo-"
I really like you.
...
fuuuuuuuuck.
A wispy breeze rushes through the deck, catching my hair as my skin prickles from at the chill. I stand there, frozen, eyes wide in disturbed realization at how actually royally screwed I am, staring at nothing.
Somewhere on the ship, a lone cricket chirps in the night, serenading the moon like a mimic of Brook.
I slide down the rail, plopping and grabbing the sake jug as I send a withering glare towards the med bay door I can see at the back of the kitchen through this front open door. Unable to convince myself to go any farther away or any closer as I pop the cork off the booze and start to chug.
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Flashbacks:
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[Haomzen Island, 1507]
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"Are you ready Tashi?"
Albert Tōshō placed his hands on his hips as he looked down at his little girl, and she lifted a hand to stifle a giggle, excitement shining in her eyes.
"You look silly dad." She points up at him and giggles, and Albert pretends to examine his clothes, some navy blue PJs and an obsidian black cloak before he kneels down and quirks an eyebrow at the giggling girl.
"Oh yeah? If I look silly then you look absolutely loony!" Albert pokes the blue bird onsie Tashigi has on and the 6 year old pushes his accusing finger away with a huff.
"This isn't a loon costume!"
"You really won't wear anything else?"
Tashigi purses her lips and shakes her head firmly NO. Albert snorts and then stands up.
"Well alright then. I suppose that's why I wear the cloak. I can stuff your bird brain in there if anyone spots us." Albert muses and his daughter nods knowingly before pausing and then glaring up at her dad.
"..A bird doesn't have a very big br-"
"Up we go!" Alber cuts her off by picking her up and tucking her in the cloak and then heading for the window. "I'll tell you about bird brains later. For now, you have to be promise to be quiet, okay?" Albert peeks down to see a tiny face staring up at him, very serious and nervous sweating a bit.
"..Is grandma gonna get mad that we snuck out? And Jerry and Nigel the night guards? I don't wanna go to jail..." Tashigi whispers. Albert makes a thoughtful face,
"We're not sneaking out, we're going so I can keep my birthday promise to you. You want to see the smithy, right?" Albert asks, and Tashigi's worried expression quickly turns back to wary excitement as she nods. Albert grins.
"Right then! On we go."
and with that Albert silently slides the window open, and the two figures drop to the ground and race away into the night, leaving the lighthouse mansion nestled on the cliff above the sea far away. They race over hills and small valleys, dips and rises of the island's earth, small groves of trees dotting the landscape and darkly silhouetted as the moon shines above. Tashigi peeks her head out of the cloak and can see the twinkling lights of Orion town off in the distance, and the little girl snuggles into her fathers chest as the evening wind nips and bites through the heavy cloak.
Eventually her father stops running and Tashigi peeks her head out again, eyes going wide as she sees the little shack with smoke coming out the chimney. Glancing up at her dad, Tashigi tilts her head in wonder as excitement mixes with melancholy.. until he looks down and his eyes crinkle from a wide grin as he watches her.
"Ready to go make a dagger?"
Tashigi's little body shakes in excitement as she clenches her fists and bounces in her dads arms- "yes yes yes! I love swords even more than birds!" the little girl laughs and then struggles to escape her dad so Albert lowers her to the ground and she races off to the back side of the shack, jumping up and down as she stares at the open smithy!
"Can I make a real sword! I wanna try a katana! ooh- ooh! or a broad sword- can I make a broad sword dad?! PLEAAASE!"
Albert places a large hand on his daughters head in an attempt to stop her bouncing as he laughs, the warm glow of the furnace lighting his face.
"You couldn't even lift a broad sword Tashi! Cmon. Before you can even think about swords we have to make sure the furnace is at the right temperature. Remember-" Albert looks down and Tashigi looks up, recognizing that her father was switching to teaching mode. "-the tiniest details make the difference between a good sword and a great sword. Each step brings balance and teaches a sword of the world it lives in."
The swordsmith lifts his hand from his daughters head and strides into the heated space for a stack of fire fuel. Tashigi tilts her head, then follows after him.
"How can a sword learn?" The little girl asks as she follows her father's lead of carrying wood to the furnace. Albert smiles as he starts stoking the fire, temperatures molten, and turns to his daughter with a wink.
"Hopefully you'll learn that tonight."
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[Haomzen Island, 1509]
"Tashigi.."
"ITS NOT FAIR! ITS NOT FAIR DAD ITS NOT-!"
"Shh, cmere." Dad reaches for me, pulling me into a hug as I bawl, crocodile tears splashing on his shoulder as I grab around his neck and bury my face in my dad's beard.
My dad.
"5 minutes Tōshō." The security guards voice is gruff and apathetic as he stands at the door. I feel dad stiffen for a second before he squeezes me tighter and then pulls me back so he can look me in the eye.
"I know this is hard-"
"IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! DON'T THEY KNOW THAT! WHY ISN'T GRANDMA DOING ANY-" I keep screaming as Dad clams his hand over my mouth to muffle my accusations, his eyes sad and what is this?! what is this!? I don't just feel sad it's,
"I know, I know. Tashigi I-"
"I ALREADY DON'T HAVE A MAMA I DON'T WANNA NOT HAVE A DAD TOO!" I screech into Dad's hand, refusing to be consoled as my whole body shakes. Dad winces, but I continue. "WHY WON'T YOU RUN AWAY OR ESCAPE OR SOMETHING! Like we did on my birthday! We can just run away Dad we don't have to-!"
"TASHIGI."
It was the first and only time he raised his voice at me.
I stare at him, shocked, and silent. Dad glares at me, expression harsh as he whispers "We will not spend our lives running away."
[She's too young to catch the fear, she only sees the authority of her father]
He stares me down for several seconds, stern. Disappointed. I swallow. Then his face softens, and he lets out a sigh as he drops his head, and for a second I can see it. That heavy invisible weight, sitting on his shoulders. My dad looks exhausted. When he lifts his head again, all I see is sadness in his eyes as he goes to pull me close again. I wince, wary of a tongue lashing still, but instead his voice is a quiet rumbly whisper, like it is most of the time. I don't know why I'm scared. This isn't the dad I'm used to seeing. This isn't dad..
"I have to obey the law Tashigi. The law isn't always right, but to go against the law is always wrong. Do you understand?" he asks, peeking down at me. I sniff as I shake my head no. He smiles a little. "Well, I'll teach you. The trials just starting kiddo. They still have to go through a few months of processing. and Grandma made it so I could stay at the house."
"I don't wanna learn about the law." I mumble, lifting a hand to rub tears from my eyes. "I wanna learn how to make swo-"
Dad clamps his hand over my mouth again, another stern look, this one tinged with fear.
"No, we're going to learn about the law. The law is important Tashigi. It's what keeps people safe. When you play a game with your friends, do you make rules?"
I nod slightly, yes.
"Why do you make the rules?"
"We make rules so the game is fair."
"Exactly. Laws are like rules Tashigi. They keep life safe and fair for all people. What happens when someone breaks the rules in your games?"
"... we kick them out. But sometimes it's a silly rule, or it's confusing!"
"I know, I know. But you still enforce the rules. What would happen if you didn't enforce the rules, even when things were confusing?"
"I don't know!"
Dad laughs at that, leaning back a bit on his heels as he smiles sadly at me.
"Eventually, if you let people break the rules on the confusing stuff, they think they can break the rules on the simple stuff too. Players start trying to take advantage of the rules. And then since no one enforced the rules or made them important, the game ends. Except in life, when no one enforces the law, people die."
Dad's voice is gravely serious, and I swallow nervously as my eyebrows knit together in concentration. "Really?" I ask. Dad nods.
"In real life, if people don't respect the law, then they go around and do bad stuff, like hurting other people. The best way to protect all people is to make sure the law is always enforced. If people respect the law, then they stay safe."
"But you didn't do anything wrong dad."
"No, Tashigi. I broke the law. I- Mama is gone because of me." Dad winces as he says it, and I watch as a shadow grows over him. Tears start to prickle my eyes again.
"But that's not true. It was the pirate-"
"It was my fault. I should have been better. Tashigi, it's my fault mama's gone." He looks so sad. I gulp.
"Why are you taking you away too? I won't have a dad or a mom if you go." I whine, not wanting to, but my little brain is speeding along too fast to care about how I sound. "Do you miss mom more than you want to stay with me? Do you think following the law is more important than staying with me?" I ask, scared to know. Even at 8 years old I knew that was a question best left unsaid. But I never was good at holding my tongue.
Shock rolls across dad's face, but he still takes a second too long to answer.
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[Haomzen Optomotrist Office- 1515. Tashigi 14 years old]
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-"I can't believe my own grandchild needs glasses. How are you supposed to make my immaculate Navy more pristine if you can't see the details, heah?!" Grandma snorted as she crossed her arms and shook her head at me, rolling her eyes before her lips lift in a sneer. "I'm counting on you Tashigi." she leaned forward, and for a moment, the sneer vanished, and grandma studied me. I shriveled under the scrutiny, until she stood up and frowned, her eyes harsh, then, a crack. "I bet you can still do it though." her lips twitched up in the closest I'd seen to a smile on her face in years as cracked green eyes locked onto my brown ones. "You can still make my Navy perfect. I never could, but I know you can. eventually. You can make me proud."
It was the first time I'd heard her say I could make her proud.-
If I can make someone proud, they might want to love me, right?
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[Marine Recruitment Site- 80th Branch. 1517]
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'Tashigi. Last name?' the recruiter glanced up at me, waiting, impatient. I swallowed, glancing at Grandma several booths down talking with a boy getting drafted- she's gonna kill me- looked back at the recruiter with steel in my eye.
'just Tashigi.'
I would not use favoritism to climb ranks. Peeking back at my grandma the former admiral, a small smile crept across my lips.
I'll make you proud. Just like I'll make dad proud. Movement past the recruiter catches my eye, and I flit my gaze to watch a group of shoppers walking along the street, chatting and laughing with paper bags help tight to their chests. The smile transforms into a bittersweet grin. I will perfect the Navy, and I will do it so I can protect people.
"The law is not always right, but to disobey the law is always wrong. It undermines justice, and once justice erodes, there is nothing left to protect the innocent from the tyrants. we must always enforce justice."
Dad's voice echoed in my head, words repeated a thousand times in a thousand settings-
"Alright Tashigi-" the slam of a stamp on paper cut off my thoughts and I looked down to see my application sealed with 8 letters- 'APPROVED'.
My heart leapt,
"Go stand with the other Seamen Recruits." the recruiter droned, and I blinked, grasp on my blade tightened. A shriek carried through the air, and I turned to see a group of children laughing and screaming as they kicked a ball down the dirt road. Dust rose in lazy afternoon sunshine, a bell rang from the harbor, and I spun on my heel to see a large freight ship cast off and sails unfurl, and as wind snapped and filled canvas sheets a flock of seagulls dived from the heavens, spreading wings and shooting back up as they soared on updrafts. My eyes grew wide as saucers, time seemed still, I stood alone. My own two feet and a sword at my side, weightless.
I-I'm gonna see the world!
"Welcome to the Marines."
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Narrator/Tashigi POV:
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Quiet sobbing fills the tiny infirmary for the next few hours, disrupted with restless dozing and shaken rambling and weeping into pillows. The former navy captain broke, the weight of it all crushing as her mind fills with so many questions and realizations the thoughts squeeze against her skull while her heart lays pitiful in her chest, beaten and bruised, twisted and run through too many times with the fears and anxieties of the past month. The stress of carrying the salvation of her home on her shoulders. Damn, the stress of practically dying. She has to grapple with that one for a few minutes, letting the sensation sink into her bones. She could have died. She probably should have died.
oh God.
she is mortal. death comes to all. she accepts this. But it doesn't negate the nauseating terror. She lets the hollow unease sit for a few minutes, a surrender, a reminder of human frailty, as cold sweat drenches her brow.
Strange. How her skin also remembers arms wrapped around her, strong and warm. Strange. That he's the one that pulls her from frozen spiraling. Strange. Her skin reminds her she can die, but she is not dead yet.
Fury sings, doubts creep, guilt crushes. Overwhelming. Marines and justice and corruption and reality and her prejudices and morals vs the law and her own shortcomings in all aspects of life- it hurts. She stumbles through the darkness. Lost, alone,
but hope starts to grow.
The hope almost hurts more than the questions.
Neither hurts more than the being alone.
alone.
She bawls till dawn rises. Bawls, and dozes, and rambles and weeps.
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[2:30 am, 5th day past Rieno]
Tashigi POV:
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I woke up, vision bleary, head pounding as I gasped for air, the nightmare crawling back into surreal depths and shadows of my mind. "where's, what am I-"
I fell asleep. the realization stung and I gritted my teeth in disappointment at myself. I don't have time- I have to pick myself up so I can-!
I blinked at the sound of rustling paper, barely lifted my head to see the two newspapers lying on my chest, placed so I would notice them immediately, headlines large and bone chilling.
"HAOMZEN DEATH RATE SLOWS- STILL NEW INFECTIONS"
"NAVY TRAITOR TEAMS UP WITH STRAW HATS IN BRUTAL MASSACRE"
I winced at the picture of a marine blockade surrounding my home, Haomzen's island hills and valleys familiar in the grainy picture. I read the one about my home first.
"The citizens of Haomzen continue to fight for their lives, with a little glimmer of hope in the reality that the death rate of this new plague has decreased dramatically. While local doctors believe that nearly 75% of the island's 15,000 residents are infected, the number of deceased has stayed mostly stagnant for nearly 2 weeks, a significant improvement from the rate of 300 deaths per week before. 1,500 are dead." my voice stuttered, stomach sinking as sudden tears pricked my eyes.
1,500...
Fingers clenched the thin, inked sheets.
"Symptoms now include congestion, sore throats, dizzy spells, vomitting and other flu/fever like symptoms for milder cases, while more advanced cases suffer from hallucinations, dehydration from lack of retaining water or food, and many having no appetite to begin with. The most critical patients find that their skin starts to turn blue or green, and over 5,000 limbs have been amputated as blood flow drops or nerve infections fester and rot at flesh from the inside out. The most recent report from the island, delayed for several weeks because of Mayor Flannigan's passing and the complications of choosing new leadership in the midst of crisis, also reports that as of yet, there are no recovered cases.
"Please keep Haomzen in your thoughts and prayers," says new mayor Erik Zinst. "We'll continue to negotiate with the world government and navy to find potential solutions to a lack of supplies. If any nation desires to donate, we'll ensure the process is safe and will do all in our power to protect from spreading this horrible infection to the rest of the world-"
I didn't bother reading the last few sentences. It was so much worse than I imagined. and the article... Journalist Jim.. 'are you already gone too?' I whispered. He never wrote articles like this, had always included the town crazy to piss off Miss Smith the Baker so she could go rant to Ryan Baker the black smith. Journalist Jim had the largest betting pool in the island on those two getting together. Now all three are probably dead-
My eyes flit to the other newspaper, wincing at the large picture. I can't believe I actually killed two marines...
I can't believe the marines killed thousands at my home.
The room sways and warps as fury cracks and boils all through every nerve and vein.
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Narrator/Tashigi POV:
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Chopper comes at dawn to check his patient. Needless to say the reindeer is not happy with how Tashigi woke up. Luckily a new order of nano surgery snails help mend any damage the former navy captain did in her initial freaking out. The 5th day since leaving Rieno goes too fast and snail crawl slow all at the same time. Tashigi dozes on and off, and is thankful that Chopper lets her stay in the infirmary and keeps guests to a minimum.
... minimum.
Nami cheerily pops in to tell Tashigi that the Thousand Sunny is 3 days sailing from the next island. Franky, Brook, and Usopp all squeeze in and regail the swordswoman with the story of the gold heist but in musical form. Sanji attempts to swoon and woo the blue haired beauty with delicate pastries but is shut down by Chopper's wrath. 'She has shredded guts! She can't digest anything!' Luffy bounds into the room, a whirlwind of random chaos.
He tells her she can join the crew, calls her nakama.
The infirmary went totally still for a moment as the rubber man paused, not afraid to wait for an answer as he stared at her. Tashigi couldn't say anything as she stared back, eyes slowly growing wide before she looks to her lap. A second later, Luffy laughed, and she looked up to see him grin, gentle understanding written across his face before he started yelling something about Zoro being the one who came back in the night to put the newspapers on her bed and howling at Sanji to make him food and marched out the door yelling 'I'll get ya back here eventually silly navy lady!'
Robin came last, a beautiful blue leather bound notebook in her hand. 'A gift.' she said as she handed it to me, head tilted and eyes closed as she smiled. 'To help you collect your thoughts while you're alone.'
Zoro never came.
Tashigi decided that was probably for the best. What would she say to him anyways? Hello man that I've hated and dehumanized for years because you were a pirate and legends called you demon. Thank you for saving my sorry prejudiced ass. Because i've always been someone who took full advantage of the convenience of slapping labels on people and assuming who they are because of it.
Now?
She knows she has some hard lessons to learn. And her green haired pirate was far too complex to figure out in a single day. Not with all the other piles of crap she had to work through and deal with. Like if she should dare to chase this greatest Challenge, if she should ask for help from these bothersomely unconventional pirates, how she should go about contacting Smoker, if she should contact that marines [the word left a bitter acidic taste on her tongue] at all. She quickly grabbed the matching pen Robin brought as well and pulled the cap off, furiously starting to write. She had so much to plan for..
... so much of herself to understand.
But not too much. She at least still has some self awareness foundations left.
As the hours passed, the swordswoman recorded her rambling thoughts in the journal, starting to organize her present issues, her shattered worldview (which the more she wrote the more she realized was more cracked than shattered. Grandma always did say she was dramatic and horrible at self awareness. Tashigi always flung back that there were too many others to save to waste time understanding herself). She rambled about her failures. How she'll never make her grandmother and her fathers dreams come true. She looks at the books a lot, unwilling to reach in and touch them. Read them. Too scared of what she might find. Too scared of the shadow man's words.
Secrets. The world government. The things she'd remembered while on that island, using observation Haki in a way she'd never managed before. The... tenderness. She's never seen her grandma as tender. The regret in her fathers eyes. She never remembered regret. Only wistful sorrow.
What did he regret?
How would it change her view of him? Her view of her own life... so much of her heart was invested in the marines. The ideals her father died for, the organization her grandma lives for- she had to abandon them.
..she's not sure she's ready to take that step.
What does she stand for if she doesn't stand for her family legacy?
...can she live life for, herself? For her ideals?
She's always known she has her own justice. She dishonored her father's memory long ago in Alabasta with this same Straw Hate crew.
The thoughts are overwhelming and tangled, but the more her hand moves, the better she starts to feel. Just a wee bit. When the sun began to set, she felt calm enough that the golden rays of dusk shooting under the infirmary door made her long for fresh air and a change of scenery.
Wary at first, Chopper finally agreed to carry the still fragile Tashigi out to the deck via a cushioned lawn chair.
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(5pm, 5th day after Rieno)
Tashigi POV:
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"SURPRSIE TASHIGI! HAPPY VICTORY RECOVERY AND BOUNTY BIRTHDAY BUT A FEW DAYS LATE!"
I gasp as I stare at the grassy deck below, twinkle lights and floating lanterns filling the space as all the Straw Hats grin and cheer up at me- tables piled high with food scattered all across the lawn and a 12 foot high pile of pillows in the middle of it all- covered in colorful fabrics like a fluffy throne.
"ha! haha!" my gasp turns to a wide grin, laughter bubbling up before I can stop it as I lift a hand to cover my mouth, tears starting to stream down my eyes as I drink in the cheery sight below where Chopper and I stand outside the kitchen doorway.
Sanji has a ridiculous fruit crown on his head, Jinbe Franky and Brook are wearing matching pink aprons over blue floral Kimonos, Usopp and Luffy are already running around waving some practice wooden "sword" sticks while Nami rushes up the stairs with a beaming smile to throw a flower crown over my head. At the foot of the stairs I spot Zoro, a smile tugging at his lips as he leans on the rail with crossed arms looking up at us. At me. I blink as we make eye contact before I quickly flit my gaze back to Nami in front of me, cheeks flushed and dear lord I am not going to touch the reasons why.
"Welcome to your celebration party our esteemed guest of honor!" Nami laughs and Sanji isn't far behind as he zig zags up the stairs with a platter of hour'derves and hearts in his eyes.
"TASHIGI CHWAAAAAAAN! I MADE YOU SOME SWEETS AS A TESTAMENT TO MY AFFECTION AND-"
!SPLAT!
Sanji nose plants in the stairs, platter of food going flying as Zoro grins- his foot stuck out the cause of Sanji tripping- and Luffy and Usopp immediately stop sword fighting (er, attempted sword fighting) and snap their heads towards the airborne appetizers. Sticks drop, Captain and Sniper dive, Sanji sits up with fire erupting all over, Zoro pulls Kitetsu and Wado, hour'durves rain down, then chaos reigns.
"FoOd WaStER!"
"MY SALAMI!"
"PERV!"
"Cake?"
"GIMME LUFFY!"
'SUUPAAAAH!"
"Wait Frank- is that Mozuku?"
"Oh dear" Nami mutters as she crosses her arms and juts her hips to the side. The brawl gets larger and moves to the middle of the grassy deck, getting closer and closer to my throne of pillows.
They better not touch my pillows.
Robin chuckles beside me and Chopper watches with cross eyebrows and gnashing shark teeth.
"GUYS! I SAID NO ROWDINESS! no- not you too Jinbe!"
Fists, violins, legs, swords, stretchy limbs and slingshot staffs tangle and tango as excited phrases turn to agitated yells and random objects start getting flung all around. Franky's apron gets tossed up in the air and lands on the rail next to Chopper and I, Usopp's boot flies over the side of the ship, then shortly after Usopp gets tossed over also. Brook and Luffy start cat fighting over a stuffed shrimp cocktail dip, Franky and Jinbe tug of war on a hunk of seaweed-
"GIMME THE SEAWEED"
"NEVER!"
"YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE THIS STUFF!"
Franky pauses at that, thoughtful.
"Come to think of it.."
Franky gets tossed over the side, knocking off Usopp who had just climbed back up-
Jinbe retreats quickly and plops criss cross a few feet away, satisfied as he looks up at Chopper and shrugs. "A man has to fend for himself on this ship."
Chopper facepalms and groans.
"Pffft- HAHA!" I grab my stomach as I try to stop my whole body from shaking with mirth, why am I laughing?! Tears stream down my cheeks at the unusual catharsis of watching such carefree antics unfold in front of me. Chopper picks up the lawn-chair-turned-patient-recovery-transportation-chair and walks us down to the grassy deck below. Robin clears the path as all the pirates start to settle down, although Chopper has to yell at Sanji and Zoro to actually stop when a smoothie glass gets hurled straight for my face. Robin catches it and her glare is enough to make both men freeze and shrink. Finally Chopper sets me down in the middle of everyone, tears still streaming down my cheeks and I'm not sure if its from the laughter or from everything else. All I know is they aren't the same bitter tears I wept earlier. These feel... good.
"Oi Tashigi stop crying! We're partying!" Luffy yells, walking away from a beaten Brook, stuffing shrimp dip in his face. I lift a hand to wipe my tears away quickly as the rest of the crew calms down eventually and gathers around.
They feel, warm.
I smile, and duck my head to laugh as Sanji starts offering smoothies and Zoro yells at him about the fact I can't digest food right now.
These crazy crazy pirates.
After a toast and some more pirate antics, Chopper takes my chair to the higher deck by my request. I offer my sincere thanks, and the reindeer blushes and starts to call me an idiot.
I puff a silent chuckle out as I watch Chopper dance, my heart full as he eventually waves goodbye and heads back to the party. I watch him leave, then turn to watch the ocean. Golden sun rays reflect off sparkling waves, the quiet water lapping against the boat, the sound indistinct at first, but as I strain to listen, the chilled evening breeze picks up, and soon gentle sea waves sound like an ocean brawl.
"Life's a bit like a brawl, isn't it." I whisper to myself as I let my shoulders sink into the cushion of the chair, letting out a heavy sigh as I close my eyes.
Life's a brawl, and right now I need to know how I'm going to win.
My hands reach blindly for the bag I kept nestled next to me, and I pull out the blue leather notebook Robin gifted me with earlier. "You know what it's like to be alone, don't you devil child." I murmur, opening my eyes and pulling the cap off a pen I thew in the bag as well. Below, the muffled laughter and hoots of the Straw Hats rise as harmony to a quiet ocean that only sounds stormy if you listen close enough.
I start to write my plan. Thoughts? Thought plans. Yes, those.
To do:
Recover! land in 3 days. have that long to rest.
get a boat? Plan for food and general provisions...
...ask Straw hats for help?
no, no..
oh gosh, so many dead. So many dead already... 1500?! That's..
I pause and let out a sigh, lifting a hand to rub at my throbbing temples, headache pounding as tears threaten to spill again. The faint noise of partying pirates drifts through the air and I let out a shakey sigh as I slowly peek my eyes up to stare back out at the ocean.
"You're so beautiful." I whisper as I let waves hypnotize me with their steady rhythm. You're so free. "Just like those pirates.."
I close my eyes, and take a deep breath, before opening the journal again.
I killed two men last week. Two good men. Marines. The news story said their names were Miles Blory and Patrick Swan. They both had wives, and Swan had a daughter. They also both used to be former members of Germa 66. They took part in the Toroa siege, one of the bloodiest, civilian lives cost battle in marine history. I murdered these two innocent by law men in the hopes of eventually saving thousands of lives. Although I've already failed 1,500 people. Either way, I asked them to gamble their lives on a bet that somehow me, I, would be good enough to deliver justice. Not 5 minutes later I stood impaled and useless on the first floor. Their dead bodies probably still laid on the 27th. I have no way to even promise them that their sacrifice will mean anything. But it doesn't really matter, does it. Whether then or later, there are still two good men dead. I learned three things that night.
I am not strong enough, yet.
Sometimes there is no right choice. There's just two wrong choices with different consequences. I have to live with the weight of their deaths forever now. Does this make me a bad person?
There are no good people or bad people. There's just people who make good or bad choices.
Last week, I confirmed that a marine, someone I considered a good person, was helping in the murder of thousands. I'm not sure his exact role yet but... I know now that I cannot trust labels. I thought I always knew that but... I guess I was relying on short cuts more than I realized. Pirate? evil. Marine? good. Civilian? victim or in need of my protection. That's not true. Each individual person is unique and deserves to be judged and weighed by their actions, not the societal label I arbitrarily place on them.
It's strange because I know I believed this I just... wasn't living it out. Which brings me to the Straw Hats.
Can I ask for their help? Should I?
How can I dare say I will trust a crew of pirates when I just learned the entire navy is rotting from the inside out with corruption? How can I trust ANYONE?! How deep does the corruption go, how many officers, members, what is their goal?! What is their mission with this?! what do they gain?! BY MURDERING INNOCENT ISLANDERS?! WHAT DO YOU GAIN!?
I freeze, breathing rigid and body shaking as I stare at the written paragraph, cold sweat rolling down the nape of my neck. I swallow, gasp, then lift a hand to wipe the salt from my face before I swallow again and shut my eyes, teeth clenched as I breath.
"Breathe Tashigi, you have to breathe. It's not worth getting this... oh.." I mumble, heart twisting and plunging in nausea stabbing in my chest. Tears prick the corners of my eyes and I gasp again, squeezing my eyes shut tighter as I resist the urge to lean forward and curl up into a ball.
-'Come on children! Hurry along! Don't keep Mr. Baker waiting now! Grover, put that cookie down! and Tashigi! Child for goodness sake drink your milk ya tiny thing!'-
"Are you dead?" I ask the wind, ask the sea, if it knows, memories of home flashing like swords through my mind. Oooh please don't let Miss Smith be dead... please... "any of them... please.." I mumble, crocodile tears streaking down my cheeks as I lift a hand to rub snot from my runny nose and then lower my pen to paper again.
I don't know who to trust. I don't know if I should trust myself. If I've been so blind and weak to all this evil for so long... in the marines and in my own heart.. and I'm still not strong enough to- I don't think I'm strong enough to change. Not now, not so quickly...
I know they're good people. The Straw Hats. I know he's-...
but they're still pirates. I know they do wrong things too. and not because they're stuck between two wrong answers. I guess I really need to stop saying people are good or not. But they are! They're just- I suppose life is simply more complex than that and there's nothing I can do to change it. I can't just change my fears and my feelings to keep up with some of this logic rolling around my head. Goodness this is just one personal issue I've recognized and- I'm not ready to scratch at the others, or even touch them with a 10 foot pole for that matter. I can't deal with my dreams, my connection to my past, how I think I'll handle this corruption in the marines.
If I even live past the challenge.
I never wanted to be the greatest. But if it means getting a chance of a miracle for home, I'll do anything. I will strive to conquer any challenge that rises and even if I die in the process... maybe it will have pity on me and send a miracle anyways. This silly wonderful legend. maybe it will see that I truly want it in my heart. I want to be the greatest if it means saving home. and I'll pour every ounce of blood sweat and tear I produce in the next few weeks until I can grasp my goal.
Grasp my goal or die trying. and even then I'll still keep kicking for the finish line. Anything. ANYTHING for them.
... but not asking him for help. not now.
He's...-
Shivers of shame and fear shoot down my spine, and nausea crawls up my throat as I think about him. Stupid, stupid, stupid him.
"Get a grip Tashigi. Get. A.- forget it." I growl at myself, vexed and unwillingly stubborn.
I'm not- I can't work with that man. He's too- I don't trust him. I know I was prejudiced. I know I was unfair but, there has to be some truth to those rumors! He has to be a monster cause-
"cause-!"
-The crowd laughed, their tones mocking and filth. I wince, searching for my glasses, cheeks flushed and fingers scraping against the stone as their jeers make me more and more flustered. No matter that I just proved my mettle against two thugs! I just HAD to go and trip and ruin the whole effect, perfect silly! Any progress made in my reputation, dashed to ruins because I can't figure out how to-
"Oi. Are these yours?"
his voice calls out, the perfect volume to be heard over the laughter around but quiet enough to not add to the chaos. I look up, shocked out of my self pity, eyebrows raised high as a strange thump sounds through my chest.
Simple. It's not simple. It's, kind. and honest.
His voice.
him.-
him
him..
jungle leaves brush past us, strong arms hold me together.
I blink, memories flitting away as my cheeks flush and a strange thump sounds through my chest except the thump crash collides with hollow terror, nauseatingly squeamish and sinking. I glance at the books in the canvas bag resting on my legs and swallow, cold sweat starting to bead on my forehead.
I don't do lo-
this.
I don't do this.
This is dangerous. This is stupid. This accomplishes nothing for anyone. This is a delusion.
Because any fool crazy enough to mess with love must be brave enough to believe someone could love them back. And I am always brave.
except in that.
With a quick shake of my head I chase the unsettling thoughts and emotions away. "The deal is we don't deal with those until everyone at home is safe." I mumble, picking up the pen I didn't know I had dropped. "And that means making a plan officially for how to get off this boat when you land and what to do to increase your odds of success."
I can't tell the Straw Hats. They are usually good, but they are pirates. I'm searching for a miracle. Luffy wants to be pirate king, and he wants to do it without losing anyone. I already know that. he values his Nakama.
... he called me nakama.
But the miracle isn't for me. It's for home. and he has a lot of other nakama that he holds more dearly. how can I be sure they won't steal an elixir themselves? How can I know that Roronoa won't beat the challenge before I can and then run away with the prize to his crew?
That's the problem. I don't KNOW Roronoa! I don't actually know any of them! or what they value! I just know that they have this ridiculous unlucky luck of always seeming to end up on the right side of a thing. But that's not enough to entrust the fate of my home with. So I won't tell them. But..
I glance at the bag again, at the books. Thoughts and feelings I'd promised to shove away rise to the surface again. I swallow, then scrape my pen across the paper.
I will read Grandma's log. ONLY because it might contain hints that could help me find the challenge sooner and to generally improve efficiency. THAT'S IT. I won't touch the other books.
Hopefully, it's enough.