Thank you so much for the reviews! They made my night and morning. I love you guys! I promise to keep posting the chapters much quicker! I've been able to write one more chapter but I know that another is necessary to tie up things for all the characters. So here's more of Rebecca...and what you've been waiting for!
TWENTY-NINE
REBECCA
SELFISH
Since I spilled most of the beans at our lunch, I can tell that Rachel is really worried about the dinner tomorrow night. So am I – that's why I really had to tell her everything. Who knows if it will go left or right. I'm glad that she at least knows that I know about the wolves. As amusing as it has been watching her and Paul fall over themselves trying to cover up their secret, it has been exhausting too – and I only just got here!
The best part of reconnecting with my twin is sharing in the daily chores centered around Lotus. It's an amazing feeling, being an aunt. I truly couldn't appreciate it from Hawaii. Being here, helping feed her, change and entertain her, it's been so fulfilling. There's nowhere else on the planet I'd rather be. Leah was right. I needed to be here, to share in this love. A new type of love. Although I'd anticipated being around Rachel would make me jealous of her happy life, it doesn't. I'm just glad to be a part of it.
Seeing Dad has been the opposite, strained. He was happy to see me when I surprised him, but after a while we ran out of things to talk about, and he seemed to just shut down. Rachel assures me it's not me, it's the whole mess with Jacob that's got him upset. I want to tell her that it's hard on Jake too, especially now that he's going to be a father, but that's the one thing I managed to keep secret until tomorrow.
"I'm going to put Lotus down for a nap in my room and probably take a short one myself. You gonna be okay?" Rachel asks. I'm currently on the twin bed in Lotus' room where I'm staying, taking a little food-induced rest myself. Lotus smiles at me from her perch on her mother's hip and I can't help but get up and shower her with kisses on her cheeks and legs.
"I'll be fine, no worries."
My phone rings, interrupting my doze, and when I pick it up I see Sol's name. I hesitate to answer, but decide it would be unfair to ignore my husband. We haven't spoken since I left, beyond me texting him to say that I arrived safely.
"Hi Sol."
"Hi Becca. How are you my love?"
"I'm good, thank you. It's been great reconnecting with everyone. The baby is just the sweetest little girl." I get up to close the bedroom door.
"I'm glad you're having family time. I miss you."
"I miss you too, Sol," I say back, but the reply is more automatic than heartfelt. I haven't been gone long enough to really miss him. As bad as it sounds it's the truth. I can only breathe. I need this time to myself, to remember who I am, where I came from. Just being home for this short time has already caused a shift in me, I don't know really what it is, but it's there.
"I've been a mess since you left me, Becc. I don't understand why you had to do this. I feel like since Leah came here, you've shut me out."
I instantly get irritated. "Don't blame it on Leah. Maybe her coming to us helped me find the confidence to take care of myself. Her bravery to take time to herself made me realize that I can do it too."
"But we're married, she and Jacob are just…a mess."
Annoyance and anger immediately swell up in my chest. "You know nothing about them okay? Nothing. And I've been unhappy for a long time Sol. You know that I want a family, you know I want more financial stability for us, but you've ignored me. Now you want to say that you don't why I had to leave? You've just done your thing with no consideration for what I want! You don't give a fuck about my happiness!"
"That's not true."
"Solomon, it is. I told you this before and you did nothing to meet me half way!"
"Right, it's all my fault then? You've done nothing wrong!"
"What did I do wrong?" I ask, perplexed that he could take no responsibility for us getting to this point.
"You don't support me and my business! You don't come down to the shop, or watch me surf."
His comment makes me see red, that he could be so childish and ignorant!
"I've seen you surf A MILLION TIMES Solomon! You want me to be your perpetual groupie? Sitting around on the beach all day doing nothing while you're in the water? I've travelled the world by your side Sol. I've done everything you ever asked of me. All I want is for you to consider that I want more than this for our life together. I want to make a real home. I want a child."
"So how long do you expect me to sit around here waiting for my wife to come home? How long is this selfishness going to go on?"
"I'M selfish?" I screech.
"Yes!"
Once again he ignores my plea and I take a deep breath to steady myself against the breakdown I feel coming on. "You know what? It will take however long it needs to, Sol. YOU started it. I'm not rushing myself because you miss having me there to walk all over."
I don't even wait for him to respond before I press end and slam my phone down on the bed. But I'm so wired now that I can't even stay in the house. I really want to get physical, to…to…punch something!
I need to get out of this house.
I decide to go take a walk on the beach to calm myself. If I was in Hawaii that's exactly what I'd do. I grab a blanket and make my way outside, not even bothering to tell Rachel or Paul where I'm going. It takes me twenty minutes to get there with a power walk and I make my way down First Beach before I select a spot. I drop the blanket on a piece of driftwood and slip off my sandals, then make my way down to the water. I'd love to go for a swim but the chill in the water deters me. I end up just standing there staring out at the water, letting the waves crash around my legs, sinking me deeper and deeper into the sand.
"Rebecca Black? Is that you?"
The sound of the deep male voice jumps me out of my thoughts and I turn to see someone walking up to me. Rebecca Black, it's been so long since I've been called that, it feels weird. I've been Finau for over a decade. I pull my feet out of the sand-well and turn around, confused as to who it could be.
"It's Embry," he laughs, pointing to his chest, and I find myself blushing as I take in his huge muscular frame which only wears a pair of swim shorts.
Lord.
"Embry? Hi!" I barely manage to choke out, as I catch myself staring.
When he finally reaches me, I look up at his face and when our eyes meet, I feel a slight tug in my chest followed by a flutter in my stomach. I clutch my throat, finding myself unable to breathe for a second.
Embry's warm hazel eyes are so soulful, so deep that I get lost in them. He seems to be having the same problem staring back and I force myself to look away. I nervously chuckle and dip my head so that I can have a moment to catch my breath. His sudden appearance, followed by the weird intense chemistry between us, has thrown me for a loop.
"You look great, Hawaii certainly has agreed with you," Embry breaks the ice first, only encouraging me to blush more. His appreciative eyes roam what is now a much curvier frame than what he would remember.
"Thanks, you don't look so bad yourself, can't call you scrawny anymore," I tease back.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. It's all muscle now," he laughs, slapping his spectacular biceps.
I want to tell him I know about his wolf status but I hold my tongue. That would be way too forward.
An awkward silence creeps up between us and I don't know what to say. This feeling in the pit of my stomach won't go away and I feel a little anxious over the fact that I'm clearly attracted to another man – my brother's friend who's much younger than me. I'm almost as bad as Leah and Rachel – but worse, because I'm married to someone else! Moments ago I was arguing with Solomon and now I'm here standing in front of Embry at a loss for words.
"So how long are you in town for? Did your husband come too?"
I shake my head. "No I came alone…I needed some time with my family…I actually don't know how long I'll be staying. I sorta quit my job because I don't think I can make it back in time for when school starts. I was a nurse at a local school." I feel embarrassed by how I've just rattled off all of my business, but for some reason I feel comfortable sharing with Embry. We've known each other all our lives, I guess.
Embry starts to walk slowly and I end up following him down the shore, side by side.
"Are you okay? Things back in Hawaii aren't going so good?"
The question is a little invasive and Embry immediately apologizes, but I reassure him that it's okay. I explain to him that I've been feeling unfulfilled in my life and decided to take some time to figure out what I want.
"I totally get that. I've been going through the same thing actually. Life has been pretty stagnant for a while now."
"You're married?" I ask.
"No, and that's sort of my problem. All I do is work and I'm tired of it. I've given most of my life to this tribe, and I'm restless, I want more."
"Like?"
"Like love. I want someone to hold at night, to take trips with, I want to go on dates. I want little kids running around the yard after a couple years." He takes a deep breath and I can practically feel his sadness. It hits me hard because I feel like his longing is mine too. I know how much it hurts not to have that perfect picture.
"Does that sound too mushy? I mean I know I'm only 25, but I feel OLD. I've seen so much and done so much in the last nine years, my youth is long gone." He smiles sheepishly at me, and when our eyes meet again, I can't deny that there's something there. My body reacts to him without a thought and there's this calming kind of heat radiating from his body, reminding me of the other wolves.
I take a step back, drawing a deep breath. "It's not mushy, Embry. It's real. And I can understand. I'm just shy of 30 and it's the same for me too. I'd love to have children."
"But your husband doesn't?" Embry asks carefully, as if silently asking for permission to once again pry into my life.
"Nope, all he cares about is surfing. He doesn't want our life to change. Solomon doesn't like responsibility, he likes to go with the flow. He's like water, it's hard for him to be contained."
Embry scoffs. "But you're married, and love means compromise."
"I know, that's why I left. I just…I'm not sure if he'll ever give me what I want and I'm scared. I'm scared that if I stay that I'll just disappear completely…I've already started to forget myself, of the people that matter most in this world."
"You deserve to have your happiness Rebecca. It feels hard sometimes but I'm quickly learning that you have to stand up for yourself. It's weird…since Leah and Jacob left, everyone's been upset and the elders have been spouting off about them being irresponsible and reckless and whatever…but the more I think about it, they got it right. Sometimes you HAVE to be selfish, you gotta think about yourself. Here on the Res, our lives are not our own, and it feels like a prison. Anyone who breaks free, is a fucking hero in my eyes."
I snort, and chuckle quietly. "I remember what it was like being a teenager under Dad's roof. He always expected us to do whatever he said, to fall in line because the whole tribe is looking to us for an example. It's a lot of pressure to put on young people."
"Yeah, exactly. I guess that's why you were the first to leave, huh?"
With a pout I think about the question. "Yeah, it was part of the reason. I wanted freedom from it all. But it was harder not having Mom around. It hurt too much."
"It wasn't easy growing up without a father, either. Not knowing who I really was, my mom being an outsider…I dreamt of running away a few times, but Jake and Quil always reminded me that this was my home too."
"And Jake told me about Harry, I'm sorry he did that to you, and Seth and Leah. You all had the right to be together as a real family."
"Yeah, but I guess, our ancestors always knew we'd end up being together."
He's talking about the wolf I'm sure, but again, I don't comment.
Embry laughs to himself and shakes his head.
"What's so funny?" I ask, smiling at his charming antics. His smile is amazing, it makes me feel brighter too, just watching it.
"Just the irony of it all."
I scoff in agreement. "Tell me about it. I wanted to live for myself instead of being a stand-in mother to Jacob, and now all I want is to be a mother."
Embry sighs in response, and we both continue to walk slowly along the shore, until he turns to me again.
"I guess shit is never black and white... Sometimes you gotta fight for what you want, or who you want to be, whether or not it makes other people mad. And then after all that's said and done, you live with the consequences. Regrets are a waste of time. That's what I keep telling myself."
I stop walking and wrap my arms around my body, nodding in agreement as I look out over the water. I think about Leah and Jake fighting for their love, for their right to be together and I feel so hopeless, because I know that I've got no fight in me left for Solomon. I've only got fight left for myself. With a shuddering breath I can't help the tears that sudden swell in the corners of my eyes. Embry's right. I don't want to live with regrets. And if I stay in Hawaii, I think I would regret it….I think maybe I already am.
"Hey, are you okay? I'm sorry if I upset you." Embry cups my shoulders and turns me to face him. His eyes are so intense, the way he is looking at me, I know I could never lie to a face like that. I shake my head and wipe away the tears, embarrassed.
"What's wrong then?" he insists.
"It's just…I think I just finally accepted that I don't want to fight for my marriage anymore." Full on sobs escape me with the admission and I allow Embry to pull me into his bare chest. His warmth envelopes my body as he rubs my back and quietly shushes me, and in response, I wrap my arms around his waist, pulling him closer. In his arms I feel safe, like it's okay to fall apart, so I do. His salty yet woodsy aroma is heady, as I struggle to breathe through the tears.
I don't know why I'm suddenly so comfortable confiding to a familiar face that is yet a stranger. I mean, I've known Embry all his life so he's technically not a stranger, but we've never been close like this. We haven't seen one another since he was a kid. He's always just been Jacob's little friend attached to his hip like Quil, someone I teased and who liked to play pranks with his friends.
Embry's lips graze the shell of my ear and I barely hear him whisper "I got you, Becca. I'm here, I swear I'll always be here."
His words astound me, and wanting to believe in something, I hold on tighter.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
After I manage to pull myself together, Embry remains by my side and walks me back to the log where I left my blanket and shoes. "Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder, literally," I say to him in earnest.
"You're welcome. I'm glad I could be here for you."
His eyes are doing that intense thing again, and a hoard of butterflies erupt in my stomach. I grab my things quickly, sliding on my shoes as a distraction.
"I think I'm going to head home now. It's getting dark and I didn't even tell Rachel where I was going."
"Would it be okay if I walk you?" Embry asks nervously and I pause, realizing that he's not going to let me get away so easily. I find myself unable to stop smiling about it.
"Sure, thanks."
We make small talk, learning more about each other on the way back to the house. It surprises me that Embry likes to read mystery novels in his spare time. He also likes gaming with Seth, and going fishing with Seth and Charlie Swan.
"Does Charlie know that Harry was your father?"
"Yeah, he does. He didn't always know, but when he found out, he was upset that Harry didn't step up, regardless of how Sue would have reacted."
"Wow. I guess he didn't want to lose his wife." I always thought the Clearwaters were the happiest family. At one point I envied Leah for still having her mom.
"Yeap. I don't think any of us would have found out if I hadn't phas-" Embry cuts of his sentence and looks at me with a sheepish expression. "Nevermind," he mumbles.
I laugh at his faux-pas. "I know about the wolf thing, it's okay."
"You do?" his eyes widen.
"Leah told me. But don't ask okay? I already told Rachel what I know and I swore I wouldn't. After tomorrow, I'm sure everyone will know everything."
"Tomorrow?"
"There's a dinner at Rachel's. The Blacks and Clearwaters will be in attendance for some special news. I guess that includes you too, so you should come by."
"Oh yeah! I know about all that stuff. I saw Jacob last night, but he didn't mention you knowing about the pack."
"Well, yeah, I do."
"Things are a mess. I'm not sure how we're going to fix things with Billy and Sam."
"I'm staying positive, and you should too." I find myself reaching over and laying a comforting palm against Embry's arm. I'm immediately greeted by a tingling warmth which spreads over my skin like a warmsummer breeze. I wonder if he feels it too, but as Embry looks down at me with his dark eyes, and smiles with gratitude, I'm sure that he does.
"Thanks for walking me," I say to him when we finally arrive in Rachel and Paul's front yard.
"No need to thank me, I should be thanking you."
"For what?"
"For making my day, my year? I dunno," Embry shrugs and shakes his head, running his fingers through his hair.
I find his nervousness to be adorable and reach out to give him a hug. The way he holds me, it feels like I'm weightless. I feel safe and warm again, like earlier when I'd had that embarrassing break down.
When we pull away, Embry smiles at me again, but I pick up on a hint of sadness in his eyes. "So…tomorrow? I'll see you?" he asks, sounding somewhat needy.
I can't even deny that his desire to see me soon is flattering. "Yeah, for sure. Come by for the dramafest."
He smirks, "Oh I wouldn't miss it for the world. Good night Rebecca." Embry reaches for my fingers and gives them a gentle squeeze. I smile back and for a moment, because neither of us seem to want to leave, I allow myself to just be with him, to just be.
What the fuck am I doing? I'm still mar-
"What's going on here?"
I jump at the gruff tone and abrupt appearance of Paul Lahote behind me.
I turn to scold him for interrupting a private moment, (even though his timing was probably for the best),but before I can say a word he speaks over my head to Embry.
"Dude did you just imprint on her?"
Yes! To those who guessed it, this was the plan all along.