Here's the next chapter! Enjoy!
They both slept some that night, Carina waking up from a nightmare around midnight, and her movement woke Maya. The blonde helped her girlfriend fall back to sleep before spending the next three hours just staring at the ceiling. She was exhausted and feeling so guilty and just wanted to stop hurting everyone she loved.
Finally, Maya rolled over and took another one of her sleeping pills, desperate to get some more rest. When she woke up next, Carina was not in bed. Maya debated getting up, but decided she wasn't ready yet. It was only 7 am so she had a little time before she needed to get up. About twenty minutes later, the bedroom door opened and Carina came in.
"Good morning Bella," Carina said, smiling at her.
"Hey," Maya said, rubbing her eyes.
"You need a shower," Carina said, offering a hand to Maya.
The blonde sat up, taking a deep breath before she stood up.
"Do you want me to join you?" Carina asked, brushing a piece of hair off Maya's face.
Maya thought for a minute before nodding, "But just for a shower."
"Of course," Carina nodded as they both wen t into the bathroom.
After the shower, Carina dressed for work while Maya dressed in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. Carina brought Maya a smoothie she had made her before disappearing again. She came back in a few minutes later.
"I have to go now Bella," Carina said, sitting down on the bed, "I'm working 24 hours so Jo will be here this morning, Teddy will be here for a few hours this afternoon, and Andy is coming to spend the night."
Maya nodded, hating that she was being watched around the clock, but knowing better than to argue about it because this was the only way Carina could keep her sanity.
"Have a good day at work," Maya said, sitting up and kissing Carina.
"I hope therapy goes well," Carina said, "Text or call me after if you need to?"
"I will," Maya said, nodding, "And I'm here if you need me."
"I'll see you later," Carina said, getting up.
Carina headed out as Jo walked into the bedroom.
"Hi Maya," the general surgeon said, "Can I sit?"
Maya nodded a little, snuggling under the blankets.
"You know I went through something like this last year?" Jo said, sitting down, "It sucked. All I wanted was for all of it to stop, and there were days when it felt like it never would, like I would be stuck in my bed, drowning in my head, forever."
"How did you get out?" Maya asked quietly.
"I trusted the people who wanted to help me," Jo said honestly, "And some days, I still just want to stay in bed, and some days, I do. I don't think it ever really goes away, but it does get better."
Maya nodded, not really knowing what else to say.
"What time is your appointment?" Jo asked.
"Ten," Maya said, "But we need to leave here at like 9:30."
"Alright," Jo said, "What do you want to do until then?"
Maya just shrugged, burying herself into the blankets. Jo sighed, deciding to work on charts. The time flew by, and soon enough, it was time to go to Maya's therapy. Jo drove them there, Maya silent the whole time.
"I am going to go work at the coffee shop down the street," Jo said, walking Maya inside, "I'll be back in an hour?" T
he blonde nodded as Dr. Lewis came to meet her.
"Maya," Diane said, gesturing for her to come back to her office.
Maya had never been to Dr. Lewis's office before, much preferring the comfort of her own station.
"So, you had a day two days ago," Diane said as Maya sat down on the couch.
Maya nodded, rubbing her eyes.
"What happened?" Dr. Lewis asked.
"I swallowed a bottle of pills," Maya said, looking at her hands.
"Why?" Dr. Lewis asked gently.
"I wanted it to stop," Maya said.
"Wanted what to stop?" Diane asked.
"All of it," Maya said, "Feeling like I'm failing, like I am completely out of control, like all I do is hurt people, like nothing is ever going to change, like my brain is in overdrive all the time and I can't calm down, like I am just going to keep messing up and hurting every person I try to be friends with or love."
"And now?" Dr. Lewis asked, "Do you still want it all to end?"
"Yeah," Maya said, nodding, "But I'm not going to try to stop it. I just want to feel like I did before, when I was in control."
"Why do you feel so out of control?" Dr. Lewis asked.
Maya was quiet for a minute, just playing with her hands.
"Because everything in my life feels like it has been a lie," Maya said finally, "Like everything that I thought about who I am and what I am is a lie because my dad isn't the person I always thought he was and I spent my whole life trying to be him and now I don't want to be like him and I don't know how to stop and I don't want to be around him ever again and I wouldn't blame anyone in my life if they never wanted to be around me again because he is a terrible person and I am just like him."
Maya broke down, sobbing into her hands as she sat on the couch, having finally admitted what she had been holding in for so long. Maya just cried for a long time, probably close to ten minutes, before the tears quieted a little.
"That is a big burden to feel like you are carrying," Dr. Lewis said, "Why do you think you are like your dad?"
"Because I spent my whole childhood trying to be just like him," Maya said, "To learn his every move and anticipate it so that I didn't have to deal with as much of the yelling and the other things he did, but that meant I became him."
"How so?" Dr. Lewis asked, looking at Maya.
"I am cold, and calculating, and I put my ambitions over everything and I yell and I push and I want control and I can't let people get close and I think my way is the only way," Maya said quickly, voice still shaky from the crying.
"But do you have to be?" Dr. Lewis asked, "Do you have to do all those things?"
"I don't know how to not," Maya said, biting her lip.
"That's why I'm here," Dr. Lewis said, "To help you learn how to not do those things, but Maya, the only way you can learn to be better than your father, which you already are, by the way, because you come here and admit you are struggling, is for you to be here, alive."
Maya nodded, looking down again.
"Maya, you can get through this," Diane said, "It will get better. It is going to take time, and it is going to hurt and probably make you feel awful sometimes, but it will get better. Do you trust me?"
Maya nodded, looking at Diane.
"Good," Diane said, "Now, I know you said you aren't thinking about ending things, but do you feel safe being alone right now?"
"I'm not," Maya said, shaking her head, "Alone, I mean. I really scared Carina, and my friends, and if I'm being honest, myself, the other day, and Carina has people with me around the clock for the next week at least."
"How do you feel about that?" Dr. Lewis asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, I don't like it," Maya said, "But it makes Carina feel better, and I feel so bad that I put her through what I did the other day that all I want try to help her trust me again."
"Maya, you realize that you are doing something you said you didn't do, right?" Dr. Lewis said, "You said earlier that you think your way is the only way, but this isn't your way. This is Carina's, and you are letting it happen because you care about her which is something else you said you didn't do. Maya, you are not your father."
Maya took a shaky breath, realizing Dr. Lewis was right.
"You can do this Maya," Diane said, "You can make it through this."
The blonde woman nodded.
"I'm glad you aren't going to be alone," Dr. Lewis said, "I would like to see you back in a week, unless you would like it to be sooner."
"A week is good," Maya said.
"Alright," Dr. Lewis said, "I want you to keep taking your meds let the people who want to be there for you, be there. This is a long road, Maya, and you need cheerleaders and people running alongside you in order to make it."
Maya nodded, wiping the tears off her cheeks.
"I will see you next week Maya," Dr. Lewis said, "Call me if you need to talk before."
"Thank you," Maya said, getting up and heading out the door, finding Jo waiting for her in the waiting room.
"Ready?" the doctor asked, standing up. Maya nodded, following her out to the car.
They drove home, Jo stopping by a Chinese place she raved about, getting some chicken noodle soup for both of them.
"This was all I ate after I left rehab," Jo said, handing Maya the bag as she got back in the car.
"Rehab?" Maya asked, confused, not remembering Carina saying anyone by Amelia and Richard had substance abuse issues.
"When I was really bad, like you," Jo said, "I couldn't figure out how to get out of it so I checked myself into a rehab. It was pretty helpful, actually."
"I don't want to go to rehab," Maya said quickly, shaking her head.
"And that's ok," Jo said, "It's not for everyone. It worked for me, but I know people who it doesn't work for and regular therapy is better."
Maya nodded, looking down at the bag in her lap. The two of them went back to Maya's place, Jo serving up the soup while Maya crawled back into bed. Jo got Maya to eat a little before Teddy came to replace her.
"If you ever need to talk to someone who's been there, call me," Jo said, heading out, "I'm serious. There is nothing you are feeling that will freak me out, and sometimes, it's nice to have someone like that to talk to."
"Thank you," Maya nodded as Jo left.
Meanwhile, at the hospital, Carina was in her office, trying to concentrate on her work but having a hard time with it. She thought back to her therapy session the day before, trying to remember what her therapist had said.
"So, why did you ask for an emergency session?" Dr. Peterson asked as Carina walked in.
"My girlfriend tried to kill herself yesterday," Carina said, tears immediately starting before she even sat down on the couch, "She swallowed an entire bottle of meds and tried to end her life."
"Oh, Carina," Dr. Peterson said, handing her a box of tissues, "I am so sorry. Is she alright? Physically, I mean?"
"Si," Carina said, nodding as she wiped her eyes, "Her roommate found her and called 911. She got released from the hospital yesterday afternoon."
"Where is she now?" Dr. Peterson asked.
"She's at her house," Carina said, "Amelia is there this morning, and one of her friends will be there this afternoon."
"So, she's not alone?" Dr. Peterson asked.
"No," Carina said, "One of her friends made a schedule so she would have someone with her around the clock for the next few days. I can't let her be alone?"
"Why is that up to you?" Dr. Peterson asked, looking at Carina.
"Because I left her and she tried to kill herself," Carina said, looking at her hands.
"Left her how?" Dr. Peterson asked, "Like broke up with her?"
"No," Carina said, "I got called in to work, and while I was gone, she swallowed the pills. If I would have been there, I could have stopped her. She would have been safe."
"Carina," Dr. Peterson said, "Maya did what she did because she is sick. There is nothing you could have done to stop it. She would have done it another time. You can't be with her all the time, both because it is impossible and unhealthy. You need to have time to be yourself and live your life. If Maya cannot be alone, she needs to be admitted to a hospital."
"I think she probably can be alone," Carina said, "I just can't imagine leaving her alone because what if it happens again?"
"Has she said she is still thinking about ending it?" Dr. Peterson asked.
"No," Carina said, shaking her head, "No. She said to the therapist in the hospital yesterday that it didn't work so she wouldn't try it again, but it's so hard to trust her."
"Why?" Dr. Peterson asked as Carina wiped her eyes, "Because of this, or because you are still learning to trust her again after everything with Jack?"
"Both," Carina sighed, "I mean, she told me she would never do that again, and she hasn't, and she has stayed away from him as much as she can, but it is hard. Trusting is hard."
"I know," Dr. Peterson said, "And that's ok. It should be earned, but how does Maya feel about having someone with her around the clock?"
"I don't know," Carina said, biting her lip, "I didn't ask."
"And I think, in this case, it's ok that you are taking some control of the situation to keep her safe," Dr. Peterson said, "Based on what you've told me recently, Maya is probably having a hard time making decisions, but you still should probably check in with her, make sure she is ok with it. But I also think it is smart that you have found a way to not be the only person she is leaning on because it will exhaust you if you don't and you will eventually resent her for it. And, if for the next few days, this is how you keep yourself sane, as long as it is not hurting Maya, it is probably what's best for both of you."
Carina nodded, wiping her eyes.
"You need to take care of yourself, Carina," Dr. Peterson said, "Give yourself the space to feel all of this and let Maya learn to lean on people who aren't you, to trust people who love her. It will be best for both of you."
"So, are you saying I shouldn't see her right now?" Carina asked, taken aback.
"No," Dr. Peterson said, "You can still see your girlfriend, but don't spend all your free time with her. Go for a hike, hang out with your friends, sleep at your own house, go out for dinner. Do things that make you feel good and help you feel better because you are no good to anyone if you burn out helping Maya."
Carina nodded, taking a deep breath.
"Is there anything else you want to talk about?" Dr. Peterson asked, glancing at the clock and seeing they were almost at time.
"I don't think so," Carina said, shaking her head.
"Alright," Dr. Peterson said, "Well, if you need another appointment, just email me. And remember, take care of yourself."
Carina nodded, grabbing another tissue and blowing her nose before standing up, leaving the office. As Carina sat in her office, she tried to remember what Dr. Peterson had said.
"Take care of yourself."
With that in mind, she grabbed her phone, texting Amelia and seeing if she wanted to grab lunch, deciding that work could wait a little longer so she could have some time with her friend.
So what did you think? I'm thinking I'm going to do a small time jump for the next chapter to keep this story moving. If there's anything you want to see in future chapters, or other stories, let me know!