CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Tonks breathed out a shaking breath by the time she finished recounting what had happened to Remus, who had remained calm and quiet throughout the duration of her explanation, save for the parts about what Max had tried to do to her in the bathroom of The Leaky Cauldron.
Her hand tightened in his as she pushed onward, and by the time she was finished, up to the point where Norah had come in at the last possible second and had saved her life, it shook.
By the time she was done with her story, her entire body was shaking.
"I—I should have told you where I was going after…after I got fired, Remus," she murmured, heat speckling along her cheeks as shame coursed through her body. Her voice was calm and collected, but her eyes were shiny with glistening, unshed tears. She did not meet Lupin's gaze.
Instead, she merely proceeded to stare at an empty space on the floor, not letting go of his hand.
"I—I should have told you what happened and come straight home. I'm sorry. I—I scared you tonight, Remus, and I shouldn't have done it, love."
Tonks was right in that regard. She had scared him tonight, though it was nothing compared to the immense relief at having her home before anything else could have happened to her, and he was grateful Norah had been there. If the young blonde werewolf would not have been, he didn't like to think.
As his wife drew in a few scattered, shaking breaths, Lupin mulled over the details of what had happened to Dora tonight in his mind. As much as it pained him to have to tell her that life for people like them did not exactly get easier, sooner or later, she was going to have to deal with it, but Norah was right.
That man who had assaulted her in The Leaky Cauldron, should not be allowed to get away with it, and he would file the report himself first thing in the morning, even if Tonks refused. He'd call Alastor or Kingsley to come.
"I—I can understand if you won't…if you don't forgive me for what happened, b—but I thought…if I kept it from you, you wouldn't worry. I…I hate how I see people treat you in the streets when we…whenever we go out. I see them stare at you behind our backs, even though you ignore it, Remus. I notice it. I hate it. I just thought that if I could keep you worrying about me, then…it would be fine," Tonks murmured, her voice hoarse and subdued as one of her fingers lifted and gingerly traced the worst of his scars with her fingertips, eliciting a light little shudder as her fingers left sparks in their wake.
Lupin paused, unsure of how to respond. It would have been easy to be angry with her. Dora had gone off on her own following her firing from the Ministry without telling Arthur or Kingsley or anyone else where she was going. She had, after all, lied by omission to him, by trying to keep it a secret.
But Remus couldn't find it within him to work up the emotion. Despite the grim nature of her story, and the fact that Dora was incredibly apologetic and looking to make amends for something that was, in his mind, not her fault.
All he could do was pity her, and the crushing weight of the guilt that he had placed her here, he could hardly bear it. When she lifted her chin slightly to check his reaction and to try to gauge what her husband was thinking, there was a horrible aching in her light gray eyes, brimming with tears, a terrible vulnerability that made Remus ache with a sudden fierce protectiveness of her.
She needed…something from him in this moment—anything—that would indicate that he understood her needs, though he didn't know what she wanted from him. Dora did not seem to be seeking forgiveness, but empathy.
"Did he hurt you, Tonks?" Remus asked after what felt like a long silence between the two of them, and she recognized the hardness in her husband's normally quiet and kind tone. Clipped and hard, his voice trembled.
Tonks slowly lifted her chin to regard Remus in silence a moment. She was not fooled. He was growing angry that the thought someone did this to her. But she knew there was more to it than that, for Remus to grow so angry.
His fear always manifested itself as anger, courtesy of the Wolf within him, and the Mad Beast's temper, which peaked during that time of the month.
Tonks blinked, startled at the shift in his countenance. "We're fine," Tonks sighed, feeling her hand instinctively drift to her flat stomach. She furrowed her brows into a frown, feeling them come together as she frowned.
"What is it, Rem?" she whispered urgently. "What aren't you telling me? Is it…" Tonks bit her bottom lip, sticking it out in a slight pout, worried.
She had never seen Remus look so defeated and…timid, even, as he sanguinely lifted his chin to look at her, his skin amber in the faint glow from the embers of the fire in their hearth. It would be up to her to bring him down from this state of anger, and just that thought alone was enough to send another unpleasant tremor of fear down her spine.
She was, perhaps for the first time in her adult life, at a loss for words.
That one stubborn lock of brown hair had fallen into his left eye, that tended to act like a shield, a curtain of sorts between himself and whatever he did not wish to see, and Tonks could tell by Remus's curt, sharp flick of his wrist as he irritably brushed it out of his eye, that he was furious with her, but she did not know why. Whenever he stood up straight at his full height of 6'3 like he was doing now, he towered over Tonks.
He looked, perhaps for the first time since ever knowing the man, truly frightening, and when he lifted his chin to meet Tonks's gaze, there was an icy coldness there that did not belong in his brown eyes, an unfamiliar hardness. Tonks swallowed the lump in her throat.
She'd never seen him look like this before. He was…angry. She had seen him annoyed (mostly whenever Sirius or Harry was especially getting on his nerves, though the man was much too polite to admit this to himself), upset, yes, but never angry. And she knew, just by meeting his gaze, she was the cause of it.
His head snapped up so fast that Tonks had to move her head back to avoid connecting with it. He almost gave himself whiplash.
"That man from the tavern would have killed you back there, simply because you're a werewolf-like I am. How can you be so calm about this, love? You are pregnant with our child and you step in front like that and risk your life by provoking him? Yet, here you stand, more concerned with my well-being. Why?" Remus shouted, running his hand through his light brown hair in anguish. A muscle in his jaw twitched and he swallowed.
Tonks looked as though Remus had slapped her, she felt her mouth hang open slightly in shock, and she could practically feel the color drain from her face.
"Because you are my husband, Remus," she protested as they walked, careful to keep her voice low, though she didn't know why given it was just the two of them in their cottage. "I made a promise to you on our wedding day and I aim to keep that promise. You gave me a ring and I gave you my word, Remus. That should be enough. I am yours and you are mine, remember? I told you on our wedding night that I would not let you destroy yourself anymore, and that includes right now. I do not think that if you had been there with me, that you would have killed Max."
"But I could have! I—I wanted to after hearing from Norah what he tried to do to you," he cried, blinking back briny tears. He turned his head away sharply and hung his head in shame. "Greyback was right. About everything. I'll always be…this," he growled, gesturing with his hand towards his body, towards the scars on his face. "And you, what could a beautiful woman possibly see in someone like me?"
Tonks bristled, her face draining of color, what little was left, the angrier she became. "I'm going to stop you right now. You are no monster, Remus. You are a man, and it's time you started seeing yourself as such. You have saved my life three times now. Once from myself, again from Lucius Malfoy when we helped Harry get out of the Department of Mysteries, and now again. You would not have done those things had you not cared for me, you would have simply left me well alone, but you did not. Why can you not see that I love you and that none of what happened back there was your fault? The fault is with that creep, Max, from the bar, not us," she whispered, feeling the beginnings of hot tears sting and blur her vision.
"But it is!" Lupin shouted, ignoring how his wife flinched. "If you had never married me, th—then none of this would have happened to you. You almost died today because of what I am. Knowing me and having me in your life has been one of the worst things that could have ever happened to you," he bellowed, looking livid as he restlessly began to pace their floor in front of the fireplace in agitation. "I could handle it were Greyback after just me, but he's got you in his sights now, because of me. My actions have consequences. It's too late."
His voice cracked as he fought back his tears. He did not want to do this to her, but after what he had heard tell of what had happened to his pregnant wife from both Norah and now from Tonks herself, there could be no question at what he was being forced to do, but Merlin…
Why then, did it hurt so much? Cradling his wife's head in both his hands, he closed off the gap of space between them and captured her mouth without so much as a warning, giving her no time to react or think about it. They fit so perfectly; he could not help but let out a content sigh.
Her mouth was just as soft as he had imagined and as he lowered his hands down towards her neck and grazed past her collarbones, he felt her fingers grip hold of his sweater, her hands then splaying across his chest. He had never felt anything so sensual and it was as if everything suddenly became heightened as if they were somewhere else.
A place where Greyback did not exist, that he was, for this brief moment in time, not a werewolf.
Everything was real, the tiny moan he heard her give out was real, her lips against his was real, this part especially so, and he knew, when he felt the tip of her tongue touch as his and he slanted her head and deepened their kiss, that he had never felt anything as intense as this and probably never would again.
That was what she did. If he had thought he had known what true desire felt like before, he must have been dreaming. She lifted her hands to his neck, this time finding purchase in his brown hair, sending a tremor down his spine.
Her movements were unpracticed and raw, it was clear they were both feeling by instinct, but she was everything he thought she would be and so much more. They had not had enough, and he could sense it as he broke their kiss at last, and as he looked down into her gray eyes, he saw a flame there that had never be present before, which only ignited his baser desires even further.
The heat from her skin was so overwhelming; he wanted nothing more than to be enveloped by it if she would allow him.
Her arms began to reach around his back and when he felt her press the entire length of her body towards his, he realized if they did not stop it now, it would inevitably lead to something much more dangerous and much more passionate, and look where that had led them.
Because of him, he had endangered the lives of his wife and unborn child, and the smartest thing to do would be to pull away from her.
But Merlin, how he wanted it more than anything. Before he lost all his sanity, he tore his lips from her delicate neck and held her at arm's length, forcing her to relinquish her hold on him. As they both stared at each other, their lips parted, and only one single thought ran through his mind right now.
For the first time in his life, he felt truly alive. "You beautiful angel," he whispered incredulously, still unable to believe the turn of events the night had taken, bringing her closer towards him so she could hear him. "See what you do to me?" Her eyes widened, perhaps finally realizing internally what had just transpired regarding their admission of their true feelings and the release of his feelings. Thanks to her, he now knew himself to be just a man.
He was not a monster or a demon. He felt practically bowled over as she pressed her lips against his, her fingers drifting upwards and played with the ends of his hair, sending a tremor down his spine. As he leaned in again gently to kiss her, his hand buried in the back of her hair as he pulled her closer.
For Remus, Tonks's kiss stole the words he didn't need to say. In that silence, all their secrets were laid bare, all their passions and the spark of love that had existed between them. At that moment, in her love, he found his resolve, his strength.
One kiss and he knew.
He had the courage to do what needed to be done. He pulled apart, smoothing back her bangs off of her forehead one last time. He empathized with Tonks more than she knew. "I—I'm so sorry. I won't have your life in danger anymore." His voice broke and wavered as he fought back tears. "I—I don't want to do this, sweetheart, but there's no other way. I'm so sorry. I—I never meant to hurt you. I love you. You will have to find it within your heart to forgive me. Dumbledore has asked of me to infiltrate Greyback's camp. I leave tonight, and he explicitly stated it's going to be dangerous. I cannot allow you to come with me. Not this time, sweetheart. I—I was going to tell you when you were in a better mood, but I can't. You'll have to forgive me, Dora. I have no choice in this matter. There's no one else that can go, and I won't have you coming with me in your current condition and putting yourself and the life of our baby at risk."
"What…oh, you cannot possibly be saying what I think you're saying?" Tonks asked, her voice shaking as her eyes met his for what was to be the last time. "Please," she begged, tugging on the sleeve of the traveling cloak he wore underneath his sweater and trousers, and biting her bottom lip. "Tell me it's not true…You—you cannot go to Greyback's camp, Remus! He knows you! He'll kill you! You cannot leave me here alone in our home when I'm pregnant."
She was begging him now and blinking back her salty, briny tears.
"No. I can't do this to you, Dora." Remus slowly turned away, trying to hide the sadness and heartbreak in his eyes and in his voice. "I have to. Dumbledore's orders, love. I—I would take you with me if I could, but I can't. You're pregnant and in no condition to come with me. You're staying here."
Remus, sensing Tonks needed the comfort, pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead. "I love you," he murmured, whispering it into the shell of her ear. "But you cannot follow me, love. You're staying here. End of discussion. But I give you my word, Tonks. I will be back. I swear it..."
Tonks swallowed down hard past the lump in her throat, ducking her head. "I guess you're going, then." Tonks gulped down a sob and tried to keep her composure as he started to walk away, hating that she would not know if he would return to her or not.
If she were not pregnant, she could accompany her husband, make sure that Greyback did not kill him. But she couldn't.
Her eyes dripped with tears and she jumped as she heard a knock at their door, Molly Weasley entering their living room, not even bothering to knock.
When did she get here? Tonks wondered, frowning through her tears.
Tonks blinked owlishly at the ginger-haired matriarch of the Weasley family. It did not take her brain long to put together the missing pieces and piece together why Molly was here. No doubt Arthur had told her everything.
Molly no doubt had seen Remus's expression upon storming outside and Disapparating. "I could hear it all from outside," Molly sighed, a look of exasperation on her face as she pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger. "Don't worry about your husband, Tonks," Molly whispered soothingly, patting the small of her back. "He's just upset. Give him time and space. He'll come around. I can see it in his eyes just how much Remus loves you. You'll see. He loves you entirely too much to stay mad at you. I don't know what he said to you or what happened, but everything's going to be just fine. I promise. Come, dear, let's get you a fresh pot of tea made, and you can tell me all about it. I'll make you something to eat, Tonks, you're looking much too peaky."
Her words only made Tonks feel worse. And then she started crying despite her best attempts to hold it back.
The tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down her face and drenching poor Molly's housedress.
She felt the muscles of her chin tremble like a small child and she looked towards the window at the moonlight, as if the soft, hazy light could somehow soothe her. There was a strange buzzing in her head once more, the side effect of this constant fear, constant stress Tonks lived in and with.
She heard her own sounds, like a distressed child, raw from the inside. It took something out of her that the young witch did not know she had left to give.
That's the way it was when people were hard, bitter. It was like theft, an injury no other person could see, something that she rarely let others—not even see.
The only person who she let see in such a vulnerable state like this was currently walking away from her for who knew how long.
Not giving Tonks or Molly a chance to respond at what he had done, what he was doing, Remus bolted towards their front porch before she could say another word.
He didn't want to let her go, he wanted nothing more than to wrap his wife into his arms and never let her go if he could help it, but it was too dangerous.
Greyback had to be stopped, and where he was going, Dora could not follow. He knew she would be safe here.
What Remus did know for certain was in this moment, the kindest thing he could do for his wife was to walk away from her as he turned on the heel of his boot and Disapparated, without even having to think of where he wanted to go.
He knew where he wanted to go.
Lupin was smart enough not to look back.