Claire smiled politely at the server delivering drinks for her and Morgan. She pushed the sugar packets closer to her friend, well aware of her coffee preferences from the years they'd worked together.
"I'm just saying that you should at least apply. There's nothing in the rules that say you can't throw your hat in."
Claire rolled her eyes, not thrilled with yet another person hassling her about the application for the Chapman Fellowship due in a few weeks. "No, the rules don't say it, but everybody knows that only full-rotation residents ever go to the committee. And even if by some miracle I did get advanced based on my first three years, there's no way I would be able to accept. I can't take the time off for the workshop portion or juggle the extra work with my current schedule." She sighed. "Better to save the energy now."
"You know, we should complain to somebody," Morgan mused, loving a good fight. "It sounds like the program discriminates against working parents. There's gotta be some kind of HR violation or something."
Grinning, at Morgan's enthusiasm, Claire took a sip of her coffee. Gone were the days when she quit drinking caffeine after 2pm. Keeping up with Sam until bedtime and then taking care of her own business took all the energy boosters she could manage.
"It's fine Morgan. Really. I'm coming to terms with the sacrifices of being a full-time single parent. Sam is worth it, 100 percent. And I've learned to deal with the disappointment. If he's healthy and happy and I'm getting by, that's all I need."
"Do you hear yourself?" Morgan challenged as she stirred a heap of sugar into her coffee. "You need to take better care of you. You shouldn't be just getting by."
"You're one to talk," Claire shot back. "Even without a kid, residency is no walk in the park. 'Getting by' is the best any of us can do."
Morgan nodded, conceding the point. "I'm just saying that I know taking care of Sam is your first priority, but you don't have to give up everything. You should do some things for you. It's better for Sam to have a mom who feels as fulfilled as she can be. And that can't happen if you don't give yourself the chance to do things that are important to you."
"Sam's sister is content and fulfilled when he's content and fulfilled. At least for now. I need to focus on him. There's still time for me to do more work-related things when he's older."
"Not the Chapman Fellowship, though. And not the Sacramento conference last month or the Advanced Surgical Techniques training last November. You've been low-key excited about applying for the Chapman since I met you. And you're competitive, Claire. Look at who's gotten it the past few years. Taylor? Polanski? Beaumont? You're way better than any of those guys."
Laughing, Claire picked up her coffee mug and held it in both hands. "Then why don't you apply?" Although, she was trying not to be grumpy about it, all of Morgan's pushing could easily start getting on her nerves. She got enough of this kind of nagging from Neil.
Morgan waved her off. "Research is my thing. I don't have the community service hours to make it past the first round. I think Shaun might apply, though."
"Good," Claire said, a little too firmly. Of course, she wanted Shaun to apply. But Morgan had a point, sometimes it stung not to be pursuing her dreams in the way she'd originally imagined. Watching her former peers surpass her didn't feel great.
Morgan narrowed her eyes, sensing that Claire's emotions about the situation were more complicated than she let on. Before she could comment further, though, they both turned as the server again approached their table carrying a plate filled with tiny pastries.
"Oh, we didn't order these," Claire said as he set the plate in between them. He looked to be in his mid-twenties, handsome in a boyish kind of way. Nice smile, kind eyes with a bit of mischief to them.
He didn't make any move to take the plate back. "On the house. We have extras, and I thought you lovely ladies might like an afternoon snack." He flashed a charming grin between them.
Morgan seemed to appreciate the attention. "Well, thank you …"
"Kevin," he supplied.
"Thank you, Kevin," Morgan said, beaming. "This is certainly a nice surprise." Claire hid her chuckle behind another sip of coffee.
"You both seem so serious over here. I hope this helps. Let me know if I can get you anything else." He smiled brightly at Morgan and then swung his playful gaze to her where he lingered for a beat longer than she expected.
Morgan's eyes remained focused on him as he retreated. "Hmm, now that's interesting."
"He's all yours," Claire offered, checking out the pastries. There were macarons, cannelés, a couple of madeleines and financiers. It was a tasty looking set of treats. "These pastries on the other hand, I'll fight you for." She broke off a piece of a financier and nodded in appreciation.
"Well, you might want to call dibs now because the competition is about to get pretty fierce." From the opposite direction, Neil came strolling toward them with a cranky Sam in his arms judging by the frown on his face.
Meeting up at the new San Jose Food Hall & Market had been on Claire and Morgan's list for a while, but something or another always came up. Today had been no exception. An ear infection had been plaguing Sam all week, so he'd turned into quite a grouch. Claire didn't believe he would sit around patiently in a public place while grownups talked, especially with so much activity and a lot of people around.
Claire had gone looking for Morgan in the lounge during her break the day before to cancel in-person rather than send her a lame text message. She'd luckily found Morgan on the first try talking with Neil about a patient. After hearing about the situation, Neil being Neil had offered to tag along and distract Sam while they got in their quality friendship time. Claire had tried to decline, but Morgan wasn't having it and jumped at the offer.
That's how she found herself having leisurely coffee – and being hit on by attractive servers – on a Saturday afternoon with her former co-resident. All while Neil did the heavy lifting.
And Sammy definitely counted as an actual heavy lift. He was growing like a weed these days.
"This little guy really is a diva today," Neil said as he approached them. "We were having a good time in the playroom and when he couldn't get on the big slide, we had to leave to avert a total meltdown."
Neil took a seat across from Claire and next to Morgan so Sam would have a better view of the activity around him. Nonetheless, Morgan seemed to be the biggest attraction as she made silly faces at him. Sam reached for her and Morgan plucked him eagerly from Neil and placed him into her lap where she could break off pieces of pastry for him.
"That's one way to put him in a better mood," Claire commented.
"That's what I'm here for. Corrupting his sweet demeanor with a little gluttony." Sam seemed to agree as he looked up at Morgan and pointed for more sweets. They all laughed at his antics.
"I see everyone is enjoying the snacks," Kevin said coming to a stop next to Claire. "Look at this cute little guy!" he said, kneeling down and engaging Sam in a toddler conversation. Now in a much better mood, Sam was happy to have a new friend to chat with. When Kevin stood back up, he looked from Morgan to Neil and grinned. "He's adorable. How old is he?"
"Nine months," Morgan said wiggling him in her lap. She turned to Neil. "That reminds me, we are totally having a birthday party for him. He's not going to remember or care, but it's the best excuse for us to take an actual break from work. It'll be something to look forward to. And we have to have lots of different balloons. All different colors – he'll love that."
Neil nodded. "Yeah, I know. I thought we were never going to tear him away from that party last week in the daycare center."
"What? I don't think you told me that story," Claire said, chuckling. She made a mental note to start planning for the occasion, balloons and all.
"Oh, you were in surgery," Morgan explained. "We dropped in on Sam while waiting to see the social worker down the hall."
Hearing his name, Sam looked up at Morgan as he gnawed on a piece of pastry. Neil leaned over and gave him another one to hold and he waved it around.
"I must have forgotten to mention it." Neil added. "It was the same day we had that twelve-car pile-up that jammed the ER." Claire nodded. She did remember that day. It had been a crazy afternoon, and she'd felt bad leaving when her shift finished to get Sam knowing how slammed they'd be for the rest of the night.
"So," Kevin said, directing his attention to Claire. "Were you able to get some sweets before this little one got here? I have a feeling he's going to charm all three of you out of a plateful of pastries, and then he'll never get to sleep tonight."
"No kidding," Claire responded, laughing at the spot-on assessment. "Something tells me you have experience with that."
"Two little nephews," Kevin explained, smiling down at her. "Twins." Claire looked back, horrified. "It's not too bad. I admit, I'm kind of a sucker when I'm babysitting them. They can get away with anything just by looking cute. Kinda like this guy," he said, waving at Sam who'd recently learned to wave back and did so enthusiastically. Turning back to Claire, Kevin added, "Although, I can imagine you have your own brand of charm that could give him a run for his money." Kevin's teasing tone hinted at a more than friendly interest.
Claire cut her eyes back to him, assessing whether this kid was actually flirting with her so openly. Sure enough, he had a playful glint to his gaze. His attempts amused her, though she didn't want to openly laugh in his face. It's not that she wasn't flattered. The sound of a throat clearing drew their attention.
Neil.
"If you're done chatting, I wouldn't mind getting an espresso shot. You know, if you're not too busy," he snarked.
A flash of confusion crossed the server's face before he straightened and nodded nervously. "Of course, sir, right away." His use of 'sir' seemed to irk Neil even more. Kevin tapped something on his tablet and scurried off.
"I guess Sam isn't the only grouch today," Claire said. "Or maybe Sam's bad mood rubbed off on you in the playroom?"
Before Neil could respond, Sam broke into a whimper when Morgan wouldn't give him more pastry while his mouth was already full. "Speaking of grumpy," she said.
Claire reached for him and he burrowed his face into her neck and whined some more when she pulled him into her arms. "I think he needs changing," she said poking at his diaper. "That's probably annoying him too."
"I changed him before we got to the playroom," Neil said, grabbing a macaron from the pile and popping it into his mouth.
"Well, he's a super-pooper these days. It's the curse of starting him on solid foods."
She grabbed his diaper bag and whispered soothing words into Sam's ear as they retreated to a bathroom to take care of business. Sure enough, he'd unloaded a poop-bomb into his diaper and seemed to cheer up after she got him cleaned and changed. Maybe she should go easy on the berries in his breakfast from now on.
When Claire returned from the bathroom five minutes later, it was to a very different scene than she left. Neil sat sipping his espresso looking a little annoyed with Morgan, though not angry. Morgan seemed particularly smug as she nibbled on one of the madeleines.
"All better?" Neil asked, taking Sam from her and settling him on his lap.
"Yep. All cleaned up. He gave me a real run for my money on that one."
Neil laughed. "Berries?"
Claire groaned. "Probably." Sam seemed a lot calmer now, though he'd already started eyeing the pastries again.
"Maybe we should take a little walk around the food hall so Sammy can look at all the sights. Give you two more time to gossip," he teased.
"You want the stroller?" Claire asked, pointing to where it leaned against the barrier next to her.
Neil seemed to consider it. "No, we should be okay. I'm afraid he'll go to sleep before his regular nap time if we use the stroller, and then the whole day will be off."
Nodding, Claire agreed. "Good point."
He swallowed the last of his espresso and hauled Sam onto his hip. "You ready for another adventure, Pal?" Sam looked up at him and smiled. "I'll take that as a yes." He sent another glare at Morgan and wandered away, murmuring in Sam's ear as they walked.
"What was all that about," Claire asked, going back to sipping her now cooled coffee.
Morgan laughed. "Oh, you missed some good stuff."
"How is that even possible? I was only gone for like five minutes."
"And that's all it took for the drama to start." At that point, Kevin returned and picked up Neil's now empty cup. He smiled politely at Morgan and Claire.
"Okay, what happened, Kevin. You don't like us anymore?" Claire joked, surprised at his behavior after he'd been so friendly.
"Melendez happened," Morgan said before Kevin could answer. "Let's just say he left a special tip for Kevin. When he came back with the espresso, Melendez made the oh so helpful suggestion for him to keep his mind on the coffee and not on finding a date for the night."
"He what?" Claire said, chuckling. "That doesn't sound like him."
"Are you kidding? That sounds exactly like him lately. And I told him so." She turned to Kevin. "He's not ready to make a move, but he doesn't want anyone else to make a move either."
Both Kevin and Claire seemed shocked. "Morgan! Not you too. I get enough grief from Park."
"Wait, I thought you and that guy were together," Kevin said pointing at Morgan. "And maybe you were his sister or something, and that's why he didn't want me talking to you."
Morgan cackled. "First, me and Melendez? That's hilarious. Second, he definitely does not think of Claire as his sister, I can tell you that much."
"Morgan," Claire warned.
"What? I told him if he wasn't going to make a move, he couldn't fault other guys for trying."
Claire scowled at her. "You didn't."
"You bet I did. I'm tired of dealing with you two."
Kevin looked from one to the other. "So, you're with that dude?"
"NO!" Claire said.
"You may as well be. I mean, you two are practically playing house with Sam."
Sometimes Morgan's 'tell-it-like-it-is' attitude could be incredibly irritating. "I'll tell you like I told Park. He's just being helpful, and he's really attached to Sam. He loves kids."
"You're that kid's mom?" Kevin asked, looking thoroughly confused.
"Yes," Claire said. "Well, not technically. It's complicated." She thought about explaining further and then changed her mind. Instead, she turned back to Morgan. "I really think you've got the wrong idea. Just last month I heard him flirting with someone over the phone when he was at Andrews' party."
"Uh, I was there, and I'm pretty sure there was no other woman. He spent most of the night schmoozing like the rest of us and having awkward conversations with Jessica Preston. And you conveniently glossed over the fact that he was talking to you in the middle of a party while he was supposed to be socializing with the rest of us."
"How did you even find out about that?" Claire asked, amazed.
"I hear things," Morgan responded. "And you should definitely agree to go to a baseball game with him. Throw the poor guy a bone."
Even Kevin seemed dubious as he looked to Claire for a response.
Claire sighed. "Morgan let it go. He's not interested. I'm not interested."
"Oh, he's interested," Kevin offered.
"Not you too! Kevin, you're supposed to be on my side," Claire whined.
"Now that I know you're not related, there is no other way to interpret that guy's behavior. He was not about me flirting with you."
Claire grinned at him. "So, you were flirting with me."
"Of course, I was," Kevin said, that teasing tone returning. "But it's not worth getting on that guy's bad side." Claire rolled her eyes.
"I'm not taken," Morgan offered, batting her eyelashes at Kevin. He returned his attention to her and beamed.
"For the record, neither am I," Claire threw back, but the two of them were already engaged in an intense silent exchange. She dunked the edge of a financier into her coffee and nibbled on the pastry.
"Oh, never mind," she added, grinning at the absurd situation.
Morgan and Claire finally returned to their conversation after Kevin went off to see to other customers. Claire tried to move the conversation away from her and Neil and the things that were definitely not happening between them.
Sure, she'd thought about it. The idea that they could be something more had crossed her mind on more than one occasion. It's hard not to seeing how great he was with Sammy, but also how attentive he could be to her. Like today for example. Yes, hanging out presented the perfect excuse to spend time with Sam. But it's not like he couldn't have seen her brother at his usual bath time or some other occasion. He'd volunteered because he knew it would help Claire out.
She realized that sometimes she leaned into that draw to Neil, that feeling of safety and comfort when he spent time with her and Sammy. Or when he lingered and it was just the two of them.
She thought back to the holidays when Neil had come over on Christmas day and spent the evening opening presents and hanging out just the three of them. He'd mentioned then that his ski trip was back on and then promised that the following New Year's would be all hers and Sammy's. She appreciated the gesture, but took, it with a grain of salt. Who knew what either of their lives would be like that far away. He could very well be seeing someone and prefer to spend the holiday with her.
It seemed like a good idea not to get too attached. Well, she already found herself too attached, but more and more lately, she felt it necessary to erect some boundaries so as not to be too disappointed when another person in her life eventually moved on to someone more important. That had been happening her whole life practically.
Though, the thought of Neil walking away hurt way too much for her to think about. Hoping for something more seemed overwhelming as well. What if it's all in her head?
Sending that text to him right after midnight on New Year's had been a moment of weakness. A few friends had checked in on her; one had even invited her to a dinner party. They were only being polite, though. She really couldn't manage it with Sam's bedtime routine. So, she'd spent a quiet night in, a little lonely but happy to be entering the new year with her little brother in her life. She hadn't meant to stay up so late. But she'd started watching a movie, and before she knew it, the ball was dropping on the west coast.
She held Sam in her arms throughout the night rather than put him in the crib. He didn't seem to mind. When midnight hit, her first thought was a vow to make the new year and every year after that his best.
Her second thought was of Neil and hoping he'd keep watch over Sam, too. So, she'd texted him.
And he'd answered immediately with some smartass remark. He seemed a little tipsy judging by the speed – or lack thereof – of his texts. And when she'd wished him a happy new year, he'd gone silent, probably back to whatever partying he and his friends had been doing. It'd been nice to hear from him, and she was relieved he'd let himself let loose and have a little fun. He worked so hard and did so much for her and Sam that he deserved the down-time.
Moving on from thoughts of Neil and work and other life complications, she and Morgan ordered another round of coffee – this time decaf for Claire – as they polished off the pastries. Neil came back with a drowsy Sam on his shoulder and gently sat down while Morgan went to settle the bill.
"I think Morgan's got an ulterior motive in paying the check," Claire said. She'd offered to take Sam or put him in his stroller to doze. Neil had waved her off preferring to hold him.
"What do you mean?" he asked eating the last of the pastries.
Pointing toward the counter, they spotted Morgan and Kevin leaning into each other as the bill sat untouched between them.
"Jealous?" Neil asked.
Claire frowned, taken aback. She couldn't quite decipher his tone, but it didn't sound nice. "What's that supposed to mean?
He shrugged. "He just seemed really interested in you not too long ago."
"And? I'm supposed to swoon every time a guy bats his eyes at me?"
"You didn't seem to mind. In fact, you seemed really friendly."
Now Claire's pissed. "Excuse me? You got that from the 60 seconds he spent at the table before you barked your order at him?"
"I didn't bark at him. I just ordered. And I saw the three of you chatting away after I left."
She sighed. "Neil, what's going on? Morgan told me what you said to him when I was gone. Where is this coming from?"
"Maybe I didn't like the way he was leering at you."
Claire laughed. "Okay, he admitted he was flirting, but he wasn't leering at me. He's a guy in his twenties who knows he's good looking and charming. That's how they are. You can't tell me you were any better." Neil switched Sam from one shoulder to the other, probably as a distraction from answering. They both knew she was right – he'd told her the stories from his wild youth himself.
"Right, I'm sure he's the kind of guy that's going to be great with Sam. He's got all that experience with his nephews, right?" he said, changing tactics.
"You don't even know him," Claire said.
She really didn't understand why he chose this situation to be an overprotective pain in the ass. Not to come across as a narcissist, but it wasn't exactly shocking to catch a guy flirting with her, including at work.
"You said yourself that he's probably a young, cocky kid looking for a good time," Neil snarked back. "You're always talking about how you just want to focus on Sam, but you're willing to roll the dice on that guy?"
Claire set her cup down a bit more harshly than she'd intended. Sam, now asleep, stirred but didn't wake.
"Seriously, what is going on with you? Either Sam's bad mood really is contagious or you're choosing to be a jerk." Thinking back to what Morgan and Kevin had implied, a part of her wanted to believe that maybe his comments were about something else. Projection because of his own jealousy?
But he didn't seem jealous at all. He seemed irritated. At her. The silence hung between them as they both stewed.
"When were you going to tell me that you decided not to apply for the Chapman?" Claire rolled her eyes and crossed her arms defensively as she slumped in her chair. Morgan and her big mouth. "We talked about this. You said you'd try."
"No, I said I'd consider it. I did and I'm not." Neil gave her that cold, stoic look she knew well from the early days of her residency: Neil waiting her out for an explanation. "I don't have time to waste on something I'm not going to get or could participate in if even if I did." Neil continued to stare. "I am swamped getting Sam settled in with a new daycare teacher, finishing that research project with Barnes, and just getting through my shifts every day. I don't have time to—"
"Claire, what happened to making time? You have people that will help you if it's something you really want. And you can talk as big a game as you like with Morgan, but I know how much you want that fellowship."
"Used to want." She looked away, lips tight and body tense. "Things change," she said, quietly.
In her head, she recognized that her friends thought they were being kind. But didn't they realize how much it hurt to be reminded of the achievements that were now beyond her reach? Neil more than anybody knew this. Why was he being so difficult?
"It's my career, my life. I don't understand why you're giving me such a hard time about this," Claire grumbled.
"And I don't understand why you're being so stubborn about this."
"Stubborn?" Claire scoffed. He didn't get to be a jerk to everyone around him, pick a fight with her, and then call her stubborn. "Maybe you should try being my friend and not my boss or my dad."
She could tell from the tightening around his mouth, that she'd hit a nerve. Maybe that'd been harsh. But he was being totally unreasonable. All of it – the prodding and judging from Morgan and Neil, Sam's bad mood, this entire conversation – it had soured the day. Claire didn't have the energy to fight with him.
"It doesn't matter. I've already decided. I know you think I'm a mess, but I don't have to tell you everything."
She stood and tucked one of Sam's toys and an empty bottle farther into his diaper bag. She grabbed the stroller that she'd left leaning against the barrier and unfolded it. Gesturing for Neil to pass Sam over, he paused before reluctantly releasing the baby and watching as she placed him carefully into the stroller without waking him.
"Claire—"
"Don't," she said. "I'm not in the mood for another lecture." She could see him fighting a tidal wave of emotions. That wasn't her problem, though. They both needed to cool off, maybe. And he'd really upset her – they'd never argued like this before.
Morgan came rushing up to them. "Hey, what's going on?" Claire glanced beyond her and noticed Kevin looking on with concern from the register.
"Nothing's going on," Claire said. "Sam's tired so we're going to head out. It was fun to hang out, though." She wrapped her purse and the diaper bag around her shoulders and grabbed the bag of items she'd picked up from the other stalls at the market. "Neil," she threw over her shoulder before strolling past Morgan toward the exit. As she turned the corner, she caught a glimpse of Morgan with her arms crossed and in a heated conversation with Neil.
Good. Morgan can deal with him and his bad attitude.
She didn't want to seem ungrateful for everything Neil did for her and Sam. But he didn't get to control her life. And thinking about what Morgan had said about him having feelings for her – Park's side-comments too – it annoyed her more. Why wouldn't he just say something if that were the case?
No, they were making too much out of things. Romance didn't motivate him. Pity did. He felt sorry for her that she couldn't be the kind of surgeon she wanted. Or the way he'd been talking today, she'd become a disappointment in not being the kind of doctor he expected her to be. And when she didn't do what he wanted her to do, he'd walk away like everyone else she'd let herself get close to.
Claire got Sam into his car seat, triple checking everything before arranging his diaper bag and other items in the back seat. After struggling with the latch on his stroller, she finally got it all tucked away. Going anywhere with Sam meant it took a fair amount of time to get settled and on the road.
Driving carefully through the city streets, Claire allowed herself to calm down. Maybe she'd been too hard on Neil. She accepted that he believed he'd been helping her with his unsolicited advice. He could get overprotective and usually she didn't mind because she recognized he wanted the best for her and Sam.
But he'd been out of line about the server. That she just didn't get.
Twenty minutes later, Claire parked in the back of her apartment building and began the slow process of gathering her things and getting Sam out of his car seat without waking him. If she was lucky, she'd get him in the apartment and in his crib to sleep for another half an hour – or long enough for her to get settled in. She chuckled as she looped the bag full of groceries onto the handle of the stroller getting it all in one trip. Park would be proud of her for that. She took her time winding through the hallways from the back entrance to reach her apartment.
And when she rounded the corner to her front door, there Neil was leaning against the door.
He stood with a sheepish look on his face and a to-go box from the café they'd been at. Knowing that she'd be slowed down by Sam, he'd beaten her here and used his emergency key to get in the building and wait for her.
"It's croissants," he said when she reached him, gesturing at the box. "Kevin said they'd keep overnight."
This time, it was Claire's turn to look as if her emotions were all over the place. The annoyance lingered, although the anger had dissipated. Yet her heart swelled at the gesture. He'd even waited by the door to be invited in – or turned away – even though he had the key to her apartment.
"I promise not to lecture. I'm sorry I made you feel as if I don't respect your choices. You were right, I was being an arrogant jerk."
He hadn't walked away from her. She'd expected the worst, yet here he stood. Claire sighed. How could she turn him away?
Claire waited next to him, considering his words carefully. "For the record, I didn't call you arrogant." She heard his strangled chuckle as she unlocked the door. "You can come in on two conditions."
"Name it."
"One, can we just drop the Chapman Fellow stuff. I don't want to talk about it right now. Maybe later but not right now."
Neil nodded. "Of course." He followed her inside and watched as she unbuckled and pulled a now awake and drowsy Sam from the stroller. "What's the other condition?"
Claire held Sam up and out to him. "You take care of his poop-bomb this time."
Laughing, Neil took Sam from her without hesitation. "Okay, I deserve it. It's the least I can do."
He held Sam to him, rubbing his back and smiling down as the boy curled into his neck sleepily, eyes slowly blinking awake.
"And I'm sorry, too. I've spent most of my life taking care of myself. This," she waved her had between the two of them, "still takes some getting used to. Thank you. For caring about my career."
Neil looked up from Sam and hesitated as if he wanted to say something, respond in some way to her confession. But he must have decided against it and only smiled. In his expression the contrition and apology were clear.
Claire held his gaze, understanding, accepting, and finally smiling in return.
They would be okay.
TBC...