*Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault
The pack had no luck in the next few weeks. They kept up the patrols. The female made a few attempts, but didn't fall for any of the traps that the pack set. It seemed like she was always one step ahead of them. I speculated with Bella.
"Maybe she has some sort of extra-sensory perception," I said. "Like Edward or Alice." Bella winced and seemed to fold inward on herself. Shit. I forgot about that. It seemed to cause her physical pain when someone mentioned the Cullens. Especially Edward. I thought apologizing might make it worse, so I just waited for her to recover.
"I don't think so," she said. "Hm. I mean, I'm not sure. The only thing is, I think Edward-" wince "-would have noticed if she did. He would have read her mind when they showed up in the field. He probably would have told me if she had powers."
I thought about that. He might have had reasons to keep secrets from her, but what did I know? "Maybe she has something latent," I wondered. "Like an ability that she doesn't consciously use. Maybe something even she isn't aware of?"
"Like what?"
"Luck?" I asked, shrugging. "Jared says she keeps slipping by at the last minute. Maybe she's lucky in a supernatural sense."
Bella frowned at nothing and didn't say anything.
Friday was the start of spring break, both in Forks and in La Push. Mom had a girls' trip planned in Florida for the same week, which was fine by me. I was excited for a relaxing week with no adult supervision. The only downside was that the whole pack, including Jared, was still working a pretty heavy schedule. Quil, who in spite of being angry enough to avoid me entirely, had somehow managed to avoid phasing, meaning the pack had no new members to share the burden. The pack eagerly waited for him to join, but I dreaded the thought of it. I wanted the pack to have as much help as possible, just not from my cousin.
In spite of the obstacles, Jared was able to come over after our last day of school. He lounged on my bed as I wrote him a schedule to simplify his busy week. That's just the kind of thoughtful girlfriend I am.
"Saturday morning," I dictated to him as I wrote each word. "Kill. Vampire."
Jared chuckled. "That's been on my to do list for a long time, Kim."
I ignored that. "Saturday afternoon… shower… and nap." Jared smiled. "Saturday night… Lauren's party?" I raised an eyebrow at him.
He frowned. "I don't know if I can make it."
"I know, I know. You have to protect the civilians and all that jazz." I waved off his concerns. "But 'kill vampire' was your major scheduling conflict, which is why I moved it up to Saturday morning for you."
He rolled his eyes. "Wow thanks, Kim! How thoughtful."
"Anytime! Ok, back to the schedule. This Sunday through next Sunday. S-E-X." I wrote the three letters in caps across the rest of the page. "With me, not with anyone else. Simply no time on the schedule for any of your other girlfriends."
He laughed and then mumbled, "I can barely keep up with one."
I held up the schedule for him to appraise. "Any questions?"
"Yeah," he said, and his eyes glinted as they trailed from me to the schedule and back again. "Why do we have to wait until Sunday?"
I dropped the schedule and kissed him. Twenty minutes later we were breathing hard. Sweat beaded on every inch of our skin.
"What are we doing tonight?" Jared breathed. "Do you have a condom?"
"Yes!" I gasped. "Top drawer." I motioned to the desk. Jared got up and rustled in the drawer a bit, for longer than I expected. My breathing started to slow down. I wondered if I'd put them somewhere else. When I sat up Jared was standing by the desk, mouth open, staring at a thick envelope in his hands. Oh no. He finally looked at me, eyes wide with confusion.
"Columbia?" He asked, his voice soft and a little high. "Isn't that in New York?"
It was a moment before I could speak. I still hadn't told anyone about the acceptance. I still hadn't confirmed with the school, even though I'd found out the aid package was better than I'd expected and the deadline was looming closer and closer. Right now, I felt all the weight in my chest of the two fantasies I'd been obsessing over-the one I was currently living in, and the one that was becoming more and more tangible with each passing day-and I knew in that moment that I couldn't have both. I would have to choose. Worse than that. I'd chosen already, and my choice came with a cost.
"Yes," I whispered. "New York City."
"That um-that's really far." I nodded, my throat tight. "Are you going?" I nodded again. "Why-why New York, you could have gone anywhere you wanted…" he trailed off and I felt tears pooling in my eyes.
I swallowed. "I want to go there." He started to shake. "I-I'm sorry. I couldn't think of a way to tell you."
"So what..." he chuckled, but the sound was closer to hysteria than humor. "What was the plan? You were just going to... disappear next fall? You weren't going to say anything?"
"No, no I was." I insisted as I wiped my eyes. "I just hadn't thought of how yet…" Jared dropped the envelope back in the drawer, but he kept staring at it. I waited for him to say something, waiting for him to meet my eyes, but he was silent for so long, eyes trained on that secret letter in my desk, that waiting became agony. "Did you think I would stay here forever?"
Jared turned to face me. His expression changed. He was reeling before, but now his voice was hard. "I didn't think you would go somewhere so far away that I can't follow you. Or even visit you," he said. "I don't want you to move to the other side of the country."
"What about what I want?" My guilt warped into anger to match his. "Am I supposed to base every choice I make around what's convenient for you?"
"No, Kim," he spat, "but if you actually care about someone, you're supposed to consider their feelings and talk about big decisions, because that's how relationships work."
"Then maybe we have different opinions on how relationships work," I snapped.
Jared stared at me, shocked, as if he was giving me time to take back my words. I didn't. Jared went from completely still to shaking so violently that it looked like he was vibrating. Then the rage on his face broke into a sudden flash of panic, and he turned and ran. He threw open the door and raced down the stairs. I heard the front door open so I knew he made it outside before he phased. I didn't get up. I just put my head in my hands and cried.
The next morning I stared at my phone screen, scrolling through the string of texts that I'd sent to Jared. He had not responded to any. I sent the first one last night and the last one ten minutes ago.
Me: I'm sorry please come back.
Me: Jared please, I'm really sorry please can we talk?
Me: I know you're upset but can we talk about this?
Me: Are you awake?
Me: Let me know when you get this!
It seemed our situation from last year had reversed. I felt especially guilty for not responding to his texts the last time we had fought. It hadn't even been a day yet and it already sucked.
I'd been rehearsing what to say. What's four years when we have forever? Or, I'll come back on breaks and you can come visit me in New York. Or, we can talk on the phone every night. But I knew it wouldn't be the same. There was no way that I could move to the other side of the country, go to college while he was essentially stuck, frozen in place and time by circumstances outside of his control, without driving a wedge between us. I needed a plan for damage control, fast, but I was coming up blank.
As the day wore on my mood soured even further as I went from sadness and guilt to anger. How could he hold this against me? Why couldn't we talk about this without him giving me the cold shoulder or literally exploding? I tapped my palm with the back of a fork over and over as I watched a cup of mac and cheese revolve in the microwave when I heard my phone ping. I lunged for it but felt heavy disappointment when I read the text.
Lauren: Ur coming 2nite right?
I scowled and dropped my phone on the table, but then it pinged again. I frowned at the screen.
Lauren: Come early k? I need someone fun 2 start the party ;)
I bit my lip. I wasn't in a fun, party starting mood. I'd been a wreck all day, swaying from sad to anxious to mad and back again, but I really wanted a distraction. And a drink.
Me: Sure. What time?
Lauren: Yay come now!
Me: Ok if I sleep over tonight?
Lauren: Sure!
I ditched my mac and cheese, threw on a black dress that both mom and Jared hated because it was short and low cut, threw on some makeup and got in the car. I pulled up in front of Lauren's minutes later.
"Kim!" She cheered as she threw open the door. "Record timing. And cute dress!"
"Thanks!" I said, attempting a smile. "I like your top!"
"No Jared tonight?" She asked.
"No."
Her eyes widened at my expression. "What's wrong babe, you guys in a fight?"
"Yeah maybe," I said.
"You wanna talk?"
"Not really," I said, but then I thought about it. "Actually can we?" She nodded. I sighed. "Maybe you can tell me if I'm being crazy." I relayed the conversation to her as accurately as I could remember.
"Ooh Columbia?" she asked. "Congrats! And yeah that sounds real tough, Kim."
"What do you think I should do?" I asked.
She shrugged. "I mean what can you do really? You really never talked about it with him before?" I shook my head. "That's tough. I mean Matt and I were always on the same page. We're breaking up at the end of the summer."
My mouth fell open. "You planned it?"
"Well it's not like we have it on a calendar or something," she laughed. "But we talked about it. I don't want to be tied down to someone. I want a real college experience. Matt wants the same. We're lucky I guess. Some people try long-distance at first but you know how that goes." I didn't. "Sorry, Kim. I'm guessing Jared didn't take it well?" I shook my head. "So… are you guys like broken up now? Or-"
The doorbell rang before I could respond. "Sorry, one sec!" She ran to answer it. "Matt!" She squealed. I went to make myself a drink. My mind was spinning. Did Jared think I was breaking up with him last night? I tried to remember exactly what we'd both said. Would he want to break up with me if I left? I hadn't thought of that. Was Lauren right about long-distance being hopeless? Even in my fantasies, I had come to terms with the thought of Jared and I being apart while I was at school. It just wasn't feasible for him to be there. But I hadn't considered that if I chose Columbia I might be giving him up forever.
We were supposedly soulmates, bound by magic I didn't understand. He'd said so. He'd always been so certain that I felt certain just by his confidence. But now doubts were creeping in. Too impatient to wait for the drink I'd mixed to kick in, I took a shot and immediately followed it with another. Then I chased those with the drink I'd just made. I couldn't even taste the alcohol in it after that, so I poured a little more vodka in. Anything to quiet my panicked thoughts.
"Kim?" I turned around. Then scowled.
"Oh, hey Eli," I said, coolly. I wasn't overly excited to see the would-be-prom-date that stood me up the day of. "What brings you back to Forks?"
He shrugged. "Spring break."
"And you're spending it here?" I asked, dryly. "I'm so sorry."
"Haha," he said. "Where's the boyfriend tonight?"
"Out with friends," I said.
"Damn shame," Eli nodded. "He's out with friends and you're here, looking like this." He smirked as he gestured vaguely to my outfit, which I was now regretting.
"Yep. Excuse me." I pushed past him back into the living room. I looked for someone else to talk to. I scanned the room and it wasn't looking good. There were only a few people here. I was regretting committing to sleeping over. I was so tired that I felt dizzy and I just wanted to be home. Then I spotted Mike. I'd never been so happy to see him.
"Hey Kim," he said. "How's it going?"
"Good," I lied.
"Hey do you know if Bella is coming?" he asked.
"Not sure," I said. I was relieved to be talking about something other than where Jared was. "But probably not. This isn't really her scene, you know?"
"Yeah I guess." He frowned. "Hey, can I ask you something?"
"Shoot," I said.
"What's the deal with her and that guy, Jacob? Are they like, together?" He asked. "I thought they were fighting, but now she's spending all her time with him again."
"I honestly don't know," I said. "I know he's into her. And they do spend a lot of time together, but I don't think they're technically dating."
"Huh," he said. He seemed to cheer up at my assessment. We chatted for a little while longer, but I didn't want to get stuck with him so I finished my drink and used that as an excuse to escape and make myself another. In the kitchen, I spilled a little vodka on the counter and hastily mopped it up.
"Kim!" I turned around.
"Jess!" I cried, relieved to see a friendly face. She hugged me.
"Oh my god, you look amazing!"
"Thank you!" I said. "You do too!" Then I noticed Quil beside her. "H-hey cuz."
He glared at me, saying nothing. I blinked hard, trying to clear my head, but it didn't make a difference. I couldn't think of anything to say. Jess looked back and forth between us, eyes wide. I hadn't told her that Quil and I weren't speaking, and based on her expression I guessed that he hadn't told her either.
"Where's your boyfriend?" He asked, coldly.
"He's not here," I said.
"Out with friends?" Quil sneered.
Jess looked from me to Quil and back, eyes wide. "I'll give you guys some space." She stepped around Quil to escape the kitchen.
"No, it's fine," Quil said, glaring at me before following Jess out of the room. "I don't have anything to say to her." They disappeared, and then I was alone.
I didn't remember what happened next, but somehow I made it to the couch. I remembered sulking, dizzy and completely miserable. I thought about going up to Lauren's room, but then I remembered Matt was here, so I had to wait for the couch. I sulked, just trying to remain upright until people left so I could go to sleep. I remembered Eli was sitting next to me, though I didn't remember why, or for how long. I vaguely remembered his hand on my bare leg, but I could have imagined it. He was talking to Matt but I didn't remember anything about their conversation. Then, I vividly remembered throwing up on Lauren's carpet.
"Fuck," Matt gasped.
"No Kim!" Lauren whined. She and Eli hauled me up and helped me stumble to the bathroom. Lauren got me water. "Aw you were doing so well before!" Eli said something I didn't hear. Then, a little later I heard Lauren whisper to him, "yeah she's having a rough night. I think she and Jared just broke up."
I heard a soft cry as she said it, and then realized the sound had come from me. It hurt just to hear her speak the words.
"Oh shit," Eli said. I didn't remember how long I was in that bathroom. I didn't remember leaving, but I remembered standing by the door, held up by Eli, in front of Lauren.
"I can drive her home," Eli said to Lauren.
"You sure?" She asked.
"Yeah," Eli said. "I'm sober. No problem."
"You are a lifesaver," she said. "Thank you so much." She turned to me, pouting sympathetically. "Feel better Kim!"
I didn't like this plan. For some reason it made me really uneasy. But I couldn't find the words. I just blinked at her. She smiled.
Next thing I knew, I was in Eli's car, and he was laughing.
"Jesus, fuck!" He gasped, still laughing. "You are out of it!" I realized his hand was up my skirt.
"No, no," I stuttered as I frantically tried to push him away. He didn't seem to care. Tears sprang in my eyes as I tried to hit or kick, but I felt slow, weak, clumsy, as if my arms and legs were under water. He was laughing harder now as he wrestled me, pinning both my wrists in one of his hands. He wanted one of his hands free.
"Relax, Kim," he said, "we're celebrating."
"Stop!" I screamed. He moved his free hand under my bra.
The driver side door flew open and Eli was dragged out. "What the fuck?!" Someone yelled. "What the fuck?!"
Jared? I blinked, shocked, but as my vision cleared, I realized it was Quil. He punched Eli in the side of the head. Eli collapsed onto the ground. Quil swore again.
"Kim? Kim?" Jess was there in the car next to me. "Oh my god Kim." I wanted to tell her that I was ok, but I was sobbing and couldn't find the words. She pulled down my skirt and adjusted my dress. "Are you hurt? Kim? Oh my god." She started crying too. The last thing I remember from that night was Jess's hand on my cheek, her thumb brushing away tears, lying, softly, that everything was going to be ok.
I woke up at home. Someone had left a trashcan next to me, but it looked like my aim last night was sub par. I grimaced, head throbbing as I went to clean it up, but then I started retching again and gave up.
I was still in that same dress. I stripped it off and chucked it in the hamper, but then I thought about it and threw it in the trash instead. I never wanted to see it again.
I found Quil sleeping on the couch. He looked up when I stepped in. I froze, not sure what to say. Sorry? Thank you?
"Are you ok?" he asked.
I nodded, even though I wasn't. "Thanks," I said softly. "For getting me home and...everything."
"Yeah," he said. He looked concerned. "You're...you're really ok?" he asked, his brow furrowing. "Jess said she heard you broke up with Jared." I shook my head. Lauren must have texted her this morning. I had to find my phone.
"No, we just had a fight," I said.
"Is that why you were drinking so much last night?" Quil asked. "Is that why you were so upset?" I didn't say anything. "What did he say to you!?" Quil demanded. I shook my head. Quil's voice softened. "Kim, do you want me to call somebody? Like your mom or anyone?" I felt the tears come back. I shook my head. Call somebody? I didn't want anyone to know. Quil and Jess knowing was bad enough. "I can stay around-"
Someone knocked on the door.
"I'll get it," Quil said. I sat on the couch after he got up and put my head between my knees. I heard voices from the doorway. Whatever the conversation was, it was taking longer than I would have expected. I got up and crept closer.
"Not a great time, Jared," I heard Quil say. I froze, stomach lurching.
"Is she still asleep?" Jared asked. He sounded annoyed. "Look, she said she wanted to talk, she was texting me like all day yesterday-"
"I said it's not a good time," Quil snapped, "I'll let her know you stopped by."
"Look Quil, I don't care whether you think it's a good time or not, ok? I'm not here for you. Is she home or not? I'll wait around if she's sleeping-"
"No, you won't!" Quil snapped. I flinched. I didn't want them to fight. I couldn't take anymore. "I said she doesn't want to talk to you."
"Quil, it's ok," I said. They both turned to look at me.
"Kim," Jared said, his annoyed expression faded to concern, probably because I was obviously in rough shape. "Can we talk?"
"I-" I shut my eyes. I was in no shape to talk, but now would have to do. If I sent him away it would make things worse, especially if Lauren was telling the whole town we'd broken up. I shook my head as I scrambled to remember what I'd planned to say. "Yeah," I said, "just a minute."
"Are you fucking serious!?" Quil spat. "You're going to talk? Are you going to tell him what happened last night because of how upset you were?"
"Stop talking," I begged. I didn't want Jared to know yet. Not like this. Not ever. Quil's entire body shook. "Jared didn't have anything to do with it."
"Do with what?" Jared asked. "What happened?!"
"You're defending him?!" Quil snarled. He turned on me, shaking violently. He was so angry, but his voice broke, moving closer to a sob. "You're seriously going to keep on acting like he's fucking perfect, well where the fuck was he last night-" Jared grabbed Quil's arm and pulled him away from me. Quil turned and threw a punch at Jared, but Jared caught his wrist, and dragged him outside, towing him around toward the back of the house. I got up and followed, stumbling after them from several paces behind. I heard snarling and thumping a little ways ahead in the woods.
Quil had finally joined the pack. I'd never guessed that I would be the catalyst. I walked back inside, trying to forget that werewolves could read each other's minds when they were in wolf form, meaning right now, Jared was seeing everything that happened last night through Quil's eyes. I went back to the couch, lay down, and closed my eyes and pressed my palms over my ears in a desperate attempt to force out every every memory and feeling in the world.
A/N: Sorry guys, I know this was a heavy one to read. It was hard to write. I was compelled to write it because the scene where Bella is stalked and nearly assaulted in the first Twilight book doesn't sit well with me. I don't like that it was just one unfortunate event in a slew of many to befall poor Bella, where Edward can swoop in and save her, just to show how strong and capable and dateable he is. I hate how quickly a traumatic event segued into a romantic evening, and how immediately it was forgotten.
I also don't like the way that scene perpetuated the generalization that I, and probably many other young teens reading Twilight held of sexual assault is the kind of crime that only happens in back alleys, committed by faceless bad men on random women who walk alone at night. While this kind of assault does happen, this generalization diminishes the experiences of most victims who were attacked by an acquaintance, friend, or family member. Sexual assault is a vanity crime, committed by people who are steeped in entitlement, motivated and poisoned by toxic masculinity, and who feel threatened by and/or wronged by their victims. The blame in back alley assaults is clear cut, but for some reason, outside of alleyways, the focus is too often wrongfully shifted to the victim, on what they were wearing, where they were, and how much they were drinking. Too often we ask what victims did or did not do to keep themselves safe, and not why their attacker chose to commit assault in the first place.
On average, 1 in 6 women in America will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime, but certain groups are at higher risk. Trans people are at higher risk than gender conforming people. Men are at higher risk while in college and prisons. Some races are at higher risk than others. Indigenous women are at the highest risk in the US. 1 in 3 indigenous women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime, with 90% of assaults on indigenous women being committed by non-indigenous men. (US Department of Justice and RAINN)
If this chapter reminded you of your own life, you are not alone. If you live in the US, RAINN has a sexual assault hotline and an online chat available 24/7. If you don't live in the US, look up sexual assault support services in your country. Seek support, comfort, and love. You deserve it all.
If you want to help, there is a lot you can do. First, if a friend confides in you and shares their story, listen. Offer love and support. Also, have conversations with friends about consent. Hold friends accountable if they make sexist jokes, slut shame, or victim blame. Lastly, if you are in a position to do so, consider donating to RAINN and other organizations combatting sexual assault, human trafficking, or domestic violence. (I can't post links here, which is dumb, but I trust your internet skills)
Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox now. You are all loved.