Tears and Colors Chapter 15

Previously...

Caleb finds himself involved in a conversation about God with Pastor Jordan. Things are getting worse between Caleb and Bird. When Abe Sullivan shows up again, the situation escalates. Bird is at the end and agrees to place Caleb in a foster family for the moment. She just hasn't told him yet...

Big changes

Holy Trinity Lutheran Church, June 1983

Bird hadn't been to church since New Orleans. She used to go often. But today she decided it was time. She stood in front of the church building near Central Park with its red front doors, sighed heavily and entered.

She looked at Jesus, whose portrait was enthroned in the center over the white altar, how he spread his hands invitingly and felt that it was right to come here.

She prayed a long time. Poured out her heart before the Lord. Counted all her sad experiences of the last few months starting with the death of her best and only friend and how her life had taken such a drastic turn afterwards. Suddenly she was Caleb's foster mother. The poor boy she had known for so long, and yet he always seemed stranger to her. She had no children and she was also the youngest in her family and actually had no experience with children, least of all with teenagers and certainly not with a boy whose life simply still held a depth in store for him. She had be thinking she would make it, Ruth had made it too. But Ruth had had it and complained often enough about her suffering.

It was different when you just listen to a friend who tells you that her grandson wakes up screaming almost every night because he dreams again and again of his father murdering his mother and killing himself, hardly calming down again and can only fall asleep again in bed with her.

It was different when the child suddenly screams in your house, doesn't let you into the room and you have to listen to him crying in the other room until he sleeps again.

It was different to find him not moving on the bathroom floor, to have the ambulance in the house and to have to think so much about her dead friend in her kitchen.

It was just as different to find the money and the pills that Caleb had in his room and to have the feeling that you didn't even know this person.

Lord please don't make me do the wrong choice. Caleb will hate me for that and think I gave up on him. Please let me do the right thing.

She lost track of time in church until she finally brought calm to her troubled heart. It was late, almost noon. She had to go. Caleb waited for her in the Central Park. She had told him they needed to talk and thought it was better to do it elsewhere than in her apartment. She didn't want him to realize that he couldn't stay with her for the first time when the judge hit with the hammer. But knew he wouldn't take it well. In public he would at least not smash anything or scream at her. She just couldn't take it anymore.

When she got what it takes to have balance in her life again, she wanted to bring Caleb back to her. At least give him the choice if he wanted to. Maybe he would be happier where he was then. Mr. Sullivan had assured her that he would be housed in NYC so he wasn't too far away.

Central Park, near Strawberry Fields, at the same time

Mackland Ames liked coming here, his father Cullen had an appointment with him here. They have met again since his accident on a constant occasion and he enjoyed having his father with him. He saw the older man approaching and took him warmly in his arms.

"Dad, good to see you."

"You too, my son. How are you, you look tired."

The two Ames men started their usual round of the park and told each other all the news.

"Yes, the FBI had work for me again. It wasn't going as well as I'd wanted. Let's talk about something else."

"Well. How was your meeting with James Murphy? I'm glad you made some kind of new friend. As you get older, it doesn't get any easier to make new friends."

"Very well Dad, yes I would say I count him among my friends."

Mac had to smile to himself and regretted a little that he didn't tell his father that there was a supernatural world out there which he now was sort of part of, but it was better that way.

"And do you think there will be a Mrs. Ames in your life soon? I mean you are successful, handsome and you are in the bloom of your life. Which woman wouldn't want you?"

"Dad, let it be. I'll tell you when I find the right one."

Mackland suddenly had a strange feeling in his head. As if someone was nearby to look for. But when he looked around, he saw only the usual passers-by walking their way, parents playing with their children and a boy sitting on a bench. He looked at him a moment longer than the other passers-by, but didn't know why. He couldn't even see his face because he had his black hood pulled down over his face. His father tore him from his thoughts.

"Let's go eat something son, I'm starving."

Mac noded and the two Ames men went on to call a cab to take them to their favorite restaurant on the Manhattan Bridge.

Caleb wondered what was up to Bird for so long. He's been sitting here for what felt like an eternity. If he had known it would take her that long, he would have continued walking through the park. He looked at his battered knuckles in frustration. His hand still hurt. Still, he didn't think anything was broken. At least he could draw. Bird didn't need to know. So at least he didn't have to do any homework for the past two days. He didn't understand the stuff at school anyway. So what if he had to repeat the year. He didn't care. He hadn't made friends here and didn't want to. His heart still had enough to contend with the last wounds of his friendship with Penny. His eyes stung and he blinked away the tears that tried to make their way when he thought of Penny. He just couldn't bring himself to call her. As much as he wanted to hear her voice.

Pull yourself together man, she's better off without you. Look at how broken you are. She doesn't need that. Besides, you're forever apart. That wouldn't do anything good at all.

He removed the hood and ruffled his black hair when Bird called his name. All morning he had been wondering what she had to discuss with him. He suspected nothing good. Especially not that they had come here especially for that.

"Where have you been forever? I begun to think you wanted to abandon me here!"

Bird swallowed the words. She felt so bad. Did he suspect something? Maybe it wasn't so good to want to discuss this with him after all.

"I'm sorry, Caleb. I had to sort my thoughts before."

Caleb felt uncomfortable. That seemed more serious than he thought, the way she looked at him and what she said. Bird was visibly uncomfortable, he could almost feel her fear.

"It's OK. What did you want to discuss with me?"

"Come on, let's sit down."

"That bad, huh? What did I do now?"

Bird took a seat on the next bench and motioned for Caleb to sit next to her. She tried to ignore his comment.

He didn't want to sit on the fucked up bench any longer, but he did her the favor.

"You yourself know what we've been through in the last few months. I know it wasn't easy in any way. I really tried, you have to believe me. But I just don't know how to go on. You were there when Mr. Sullivan said you have to quit these runaways and all the other stuff, and I saw you've tried, I really did. But I just have no more strength for it…"

Caleb got sick. That wasn't really happening at the moment, he just imagined it. Bird couldn't really have said that.

"… I've talked to Mr. Sullivan about it and he sees it as I do, that the way things are going between us at the moment is not going well. For none of us. You will initially be placed in a foster family. You have a better environment, people who know their way around children and maybe even siblings. Mr. Sullivan is already looking for a suitable ..."

Caleb hadn't noticed he'd got up, but now he was looking down at Bird, who was sitting on the bench, staring at the floor as she spoke and kneaded her hands. He noticed that she felt uncomfortable. But that couldn't be compared to how he felt. He couldn't find words for it but ALONE. She let him down.

"... till I've sorted everything in my life, we can try again."

Bird looked at Caleb, who was now standing. That couldn't be good, but he hadn't yelled at her yet. At least something. He just stood there.

"I hate you!"

There it was what she had feared. He didn't scream, he didn't run away, he just stood there saying these three words to her with not much more than a whisper. What should she do? She got up and took a step towards him, but he raised his hand and turned around. Now he was running.

He ran. The park was filling up with people who went for a walk here on Saturdays. He bumped into several of them who shouted after him loudly. He ignored them. He came to halt as he stood on the Bow Bridge and held onto the railing. He had to calm down, there were so many people here. He couldn't break down in public. He stared into the water. Pulled his hood back over his face and let the tears flow easily. They soaked his sweater, dripped into the water and nobody paid him any attention. What did he expect. He was like an ass to Bird. He could even understand her a little. Nobody really wanted him. He would just take everything that came. He had no more strength to fight. The teen buried his face deep in the sleeve of his sweater.

In a cab in NYC at the same time

Mackland was sitting next to his father as he held his head in pain. What was the matter, since the park he felt a slight tug behind his eyes. But now it was like a hammer hitting him.

"Mackland, are you okay? Son?"

Mac could only raise his hand until he had control of the pain, which he realized he could suppress. At least move down. He should talk to Missouri about it, but he just couldn't really get warm with the woman. He rejected the idea.

"I'm fine Dad, I have a headache, I'll be over soon."

"Should we quit our plans? We can take you home."

"No, everything is OK. It's all right now."

Cullen studied his son's pained face, which seemed to be slowly relaxing. He wished his son wouldn't do the extra work at the FBI. But said nothing more about it.

Bird's apartment in the evening

The door opened softly and Caleb tried to slip straight into his room.

"Caleb! I am happy that you are back."

Bird spoke softly and friendly, but he didn't want to speak to her. He was just back in control to the point where he felt ready to go home. He just wanted to go to his room.

"I am tired. I'll go to my room if I may."

"I'm so sorry, Caleb ..."

He cut it off with a rough wave of his hand.

"Just leave it. It's your decision. I do not wanna talk about it anymore. Do what you have to do."

He disappeared upstairs and left her there. In his room he barricaded the door as usual and started packing. He didn't want to be a burden to Bird any longer than necessary. When Abe called, he wanted to be ready for whatever.

***SPN***BH AU***

Oct. 31, 1983 - New York City

Thinking back to this moment, Caleb had to reconsider his attitude. He was in no way ready for what was coming. Foster families were really fucked up or was he just so fucked up?

In the meantime he had been through several foster families and none of them could bear it long with him. The second one just didn't care, they just wanted the money and treated him like shit and the others had dragged him back to Abe after a few weeks because they couldn't stand his nightmares, his behavior and his skill to get himself into trouble. He tried to make all his emotions invisible to others. He listened to no one anymore. Should they do what they wanted with him. He now always hid his broken self behind the facade of the sullen or cheeky teen.

At least most of them hadn't cared who he met in the afternoon, and so he had reconnected with Elliot and had done some crazy shit with him. As a bonus he also knew better how much alcohol he could tolerate now.

Bird had him back for two week now. She had made an impression on the whole youth welfare office with her tenacity. But it had only worked out well with them for a week. Caleb had seen Bird cry when she thought he was asleep. Really, he thought she remembered how bad he could sleep. Of course he had noticed. Even so, they quickly started arguing again. Unlike the other foster families, she really cared about the boy and had forbidden him to hang out in town in the afternoons. Only today he had been able to soften her because it was Halloween.

So today he met with Elliot and his buddies on Halloween afternoon. A can of beer later they wanted to beautify the newly painted community center. It was too white for them. Caleb didn't spray walls himself, so he just watched out for the cops while he drank the second can of beer. He got bored. He just wanted to turn around and see what the others took so long when he saw the police car turn the corner. He whistled the agreed signal and alerted the others. Then he took off. The fun began. At least that's how Caleb felt in his intoxication. They ran down the alleys, crossed front gardens and cut short through playgrounds.

When they had left the cops behind, they all headed for the Mc D to meet again. There they were fed by Elliot with food. The others didn't stop cheering about how they had run away from the cops and made more talk of it than it was.

The dizziness vanished, as did the slight feeling that he had just had. He soon said goodbye and headed to Bird's home. He stopped in front of a shop window and studied his reflection for a moment. God he was so exhausted. His eyes were bloodshot and there were dark circles under his eyes. The others wanted to celebrate in their place tonight. Caleb wasn't sure yet whether to come. It would be no problem to sneak away at night and come back to the others. Caleb turned his gaze off the window, he didn't even have to bother with a costume. Alone in the reflection his look could be frightening.

The walls of his room were crushing him and he soon decided that he would join the others as soon as the house was quiet. It was just 11:10 pm when he fled again over the fire escape.

Loud music received him. Some hip hop mix. The boy didn't recognize it. He didn't care anyway what numbed his senses. Terry was just drinking another poor idiot with a row under the table. Caleb hadn't felt like it anymore. The party was in full swing and he had tried but couldn't find Elliot. The boy didn't have much to do with the others except to exchange a few polite phrases. At least he could kill the time here before the ceiling fell on his head in his room.

He kept looking around and bumped into a greasy guy with oiled hair. He pressed Caleb against the wall and entered his personal space. Far too close for the teen.

"Hey, sweety, haven't seen you around. Do you want to earn a few dollars?"

Did he hear right? Was the guy digging at him? He pushed him back abruptly, but the guy didn't move an inch. Instead, he grinned at him disgustingly. His breath smelled of alcohol and suddenly Caleb felt a hand on his pants.

"Take your hands off you asshole!"

"Ronny, back off. The kid belongs to me."

Elliot pulled Ronny away from Caleb and then pushed himself in the way. Ronny straightened his clothes and raised his hands in innocence.

"Easy Elliot, I have to be up to date on the goods. Maybe you should tattoo your gang so that you can be recognized straight away."

With these words Ronny withdrew.

"Caleb man, you all right? Sorry, I didn't expect you back today. Come on let's have a drink."

Soon Caleb felt light again. And a goofy grin was carved on his face.

At around 3 a.m. Elliot could be seen stumbling out of the construction site with Caleb under his arm. Elliot had given him too much. He regretted it. But he had never left his friend out of sight. Now he had to get Caleb home somehow. It was his fault he was here, after all. He couldn't leave him alone at this place with Ronny around and he knew how much trouble the teen would get, if he wasn't with his foster family in the morning. Hell on the other hand trouble seems to find this boy anytime. He decided to let his little buddy run a few more yards so he could sober up.

"Elliot, stop! I think I'm gonna throw up."

Elliot stopped and waited patiently until Caleb was back with him. He didn't look quite so pale anymore.

"Ok, Caleb, buddy. Where do you live right now, I'll take you home before you get in trouble."

"At Disneyworld with tweety, you know that …"

Caleb laughed at his joke, which Elliot didn't understand, so they walked a bit until they came to a shop that was still open. Elliot was sure that a bottle of water would help to get Caleb clear enough that he would remember the address of his current foster family.

"Ok buddy you wait right here not movin', I'll get a bottle of water quickly. Do you get that?"

"Yes sir. I'm not moving ..."

After a sloppy salute, Caleb leaned against the lantern in front of the shop and waited obediently. But the patience lasted only a few seconds before a nice police car caught his attention.

He pushed himself away from the lantern, walked a few cars further and, grinning, pulled on his pants and relieved himself on the car door of the patrol car.

"Happy Halloween you motherfuckers."

Elliot just came out of the store and looked around for Caleb. When the drama took its course. The cop was just getting back to his car followed by his partner.

"Hey, what are you doing there!"

The officer could hardly believe what he was seeing. There was a teenager standing in front of his car at 3 o'clock at night and pissing on his door!

Caleb packed up and turned to face the noise. Elliot went sick when the scene opened before him. He was sorry for Caleb but he turned and kept himself moving the other way. He couldn't afford to meet the cops. Damn Reaves. He always attracted trouble like shit attracts flies.

The officer doesn't hesitate for long, grabbing Caleb roughly and twisting his arm back. He tried to squirm as best his drunkenness allowed but that didn't work.

"Okay, you just earned a free pass to the police department. We'll be excited to see how funny your parents find it."

"Fuck you officer pig! I have no parents."

Caleb was pushed into the police car and the door was closed with a heavy click. A short time later he found himself in a familiar-looking cell and later the day in the well-known courtroom. Judge Baker's voice echoed high in his aching head.

"... therefore I refrain from leaving Caleb Reaves in the care of Ms. Isbell ..."

He had really screwed it up again, but he couldn't help but smile at his action yesterday.

The End

A/N: Don't worry, my story ends here. Caleb's continues directly in the first sentece in Williamson M. Scott's "Stranded". I tried to place the last chapter seamlessly before Stranded. So have fun reading on!

I left out the other foster families on purpose. So if she wants, Sensue can make a few storys out of it. I would love to read about the bad foster dad No 2, she mentioned in Suitcase of memorys ch 17 to Josh.

And to all of you who read here and haven't left a review. It really means a lot to me to hear your opinion.