Edward was a surprisingly happy drunk.
He allowed Roy to lead him into his house by the hand like a child, sprawling onto the couch and hugging a throw-pillow happily.
Roy ordered pizza and came back downstairs, grabbing a glass of water and bringing it back to Ed, who was staring at the wallpaper intently.
"Hey. Spacecadet. Drink this.".
Ed took a large drink, eyes widening. "It's delicious." he declared happily.
Roy smirked. "Glad the tap water is to your liking, kid."
Ed proceeded to spill half the glass on himself, and Roy took it from him and set it on a coaster on the end table. Ed laid on a boneless heap on the couch, making pathetic sounds and moving his legs in an uncoordinated fashion like he was trying to walk.
Roy simply watched in a mix of bemusement and concern, and wondered what the hell he was supposed to do with this very drunk kid.
He was saved from his musings when the doorbell rang. In the three minutes it took him to pay the pizza man and duck back inside, Ed had managed to roll himself off the couch and was currently dragging himself across the rug like an uncoordinated starfish.
Roy paused, sitting in his recliner and looking down at the scene before him as he grabbed a slice of pizza. "You doing okay down there, kiddo?".
Ed said something in a language extraterrestrials might speak and looked up at him with glassy eyes. "For me?" he asked, looking at the pizza box hopefully.
"Yeah. It's all yours, buddy." Roy grabbed another slice for himself and set the box down on the carpet, and Ed proceeded to drag himself over like a walrus, using only his arms, before tearing into the meal.
The rays of sunlight hitting his face informed him that it was, in fact, morning. He'd fallen asleep with an open book on his face, and he carefully peeled it off of his cheek and looked around, trying to orient himself as to what'd happened.
Last he'd remembered, Fullmetal had passed out cold after eating pizza.
True to form, Ed was curled up on the floor, pizza grease around his mouth, using the closed and empty pizza box for a pillow.
Roy smirked as he got to his feet, looking at the kid with a mixture of affection and pity. You're in for one hell of a hangover, kid.
He stood and thought about waking Ed, but decided to give him five minutes. Not because he cared or anything, but just... he was going to have a rough enough day as it was. Might as well let him get a few more minutes to sleep.
When he'd come back downstairs, the living room was empty. Roy frowned, before he heard the sound of someone throwing up loudly in the other room and ducked into the kitchen.
Ed was a hot mess. He'd expected the kid to be hung over, but the kid's hair had fallen out of his ponytail and he was clutching the counter, puking like it was an olympic sport.
Roy sighed, stepping forward and pulling back the blond locks to keep it from getting caught in the mess.
Ed's shoulders heaved, Roy could see the muscles in his neck go taught and there was the splatter of vomit hitting the sink below him.
The kid gasped in a few breaths before he was gagging, more bile joining the rest of the mess in the thankfully empty sink.
After another miserable minute of watching the kid get sick, Ed had stilled, and he simply leaned on the counter heavily, catching his breath.
"You done?" Roy asked quietly. Ed nodded sluggishly, and Roy grabbed a chair from the small kitchen table and Ed pretty much fell into it.
Roy looked from Ed- pale face, messy hair, bloodshot eyes with dark circles underneath. And the mess in his sink.
"Really, Fullmetal? The sink?" he asked in a light tone, trying to lighten the mood with teasing.
Ed blinked sluggishly, not getting the joke and swallowing thickly. "S-sorry. Wasn't gonna make it to the bathroom. I-I'll clean it up..." the kid lurched to his feet, but Roy sent him right back into the chair with a heavy hand on the boy's shoulder.
"Don't worry about it. I was joking. Sit down for a minute." he headed upstairs, coming back down with two tabs of painkillers and a glass of water.
"Here." he handed them both to Ed.
The kid made a face, but threw back the painkillers dry, trying to pass Roy back the glass of water.
Roy sighed. "Take a few sips. At least rinse your mouth out. You're dehydrated, that's what's giving you a killer headache right now."
"And drinking water helps?" Ed asked hoarsely.
At Roy's nod, he took a few ginger sips.
"So- do you want anything for breakfast, or you want to go straight to work?"
"Work?" Ed blinked up at him owlishly.
Roy nodded. "Yes. Work. We ARE in the military..."
"I... I have to go in today? I feel like hell."
"And that's your own fault. Work still needs to get done. Hangovers are a natural consequence. I'd have a lot more sympathy for you if you hadn't stolen my alcohol or called my a rapist yesterday." Roy said matter-of-factly.
Ed froze. "I didn't mean to! I... I didn't know. Kimblee messed with my head, I don't... I don't know what I was thinking. I thought we were all good?" Ed looked over at him pleadingly.
"And we are." Roy confirmed. "But I did say there would be consequences. Hangovers are natural consequences of drinking. You'll be expected to work latrine duty today for your disrespect. I don't give anyone special treatment, and you made a pretty big mistake in not asking me outright when Kimblee told you that stuff."
Ed was quiet.
Roy blinked. "Any comments?"
"No. No. It's fair. It's what I deserve. I just..." Ed sighed, pressing the heels of his hands to his bloodshot eyes. "I feel like crap. But I'll manage." he got to his feet shakily.
Roy nodded. "My advice- you've still got fifteen minutes before we leave. So I'd take a cold shower and try to eat toast or something if you can. That always seemed to help me in my academy days."
"Okay. Right." Ed took a deep breath, heading for the stairs, though he paused in the kitchen doorway. "I am sorry. For what I said. And for not coming to you first."
"I know."
Ed gave a small nod before he was climbing the stairs, and a few moments later Roy heard the shower turn on.
9am found the flame alchemist and Fullmetal alchemist in full military uniform, heading down the hallway to their office. Except the Fullmetal alchemist looked like death warmed over, pale and with bloodshot eyes and a lopsided ponytail.
But they were here, at least. Roy sat behind his desk, opening a drawer and tossing Ed a ring of keys. "That's for the janitor's closet. There's roughly fifty toilets in this building, so I suggest you get started.".
"Yes Sir." Ed's voice didn't even hold his usual sarcasm, and Roy could barely stop his eyes from widening in surprise slightly at the uncommon amount of respect Ed had shown. He really is sorry.
"So. What did happen last night?" Hawkeye asked, looking from Ed's empty desk to Roy's suspiciously.
"Are you going to court-marital Ed?" Furey asked nervously.
Roy shook his head. "We came to an understanding."
"An understanding of what? He insinuated that you... well..." Breda looked uncomfortable.
Roy nodded. "Yeah. He did. But it wasn't entirely Fullmetal's fault. He's been in Sisters mental hospital, and when we were responding to that breakout on the ward for the criminally insane, he ran into the Crimson Alchemist."
Hawkeye's eyes widened. "...Kimblee? I thought they executed him..."
"And I thought he was in military prison. But he wasn't, and he gave Ed a detailed report of what I'd done in Ishval. And threw in some embellishments of his own escapades for good measure. He really convinced the kid that I... had relations... with unwilling women during the war.".
Havoc's mouth had widened slightly, and his cigarette fell out. "Holy shit."
"What, Havoc?" Roy turned his attention to the man.
"So Chief and I were outside yesterday, and he was trying to ask me about your past and how I knew you were a good guy. And I told him not to ask you about it, said there were some things we don't talk about...".
"He thought everyone of you was in on it. Kimblee messed with him that much. He said that I had my men help cover up. I'm going to dig through the archives later, find Kimblee's demotion papers and reports so he can read what really happened.".
Hawkeye hesitated. "Is that really wise, Sir? It's graphic."
"He can handle it. Besides, it's better he know the truth than whatever messed up reality Kimblee told him."
Havoc came back from his favorite "Cigarette and piss" break at a quarter to noon.
"Did you check on Fullmetal's progress?" Roy asked idly, pausing in his paperwork.
Havoc nodded. "Yeah. He's doing good, most of the toilets on this floor look great..."
"Did you make sure he wasn't slacking off or sleeping?"
Furey shuddered. He pitied anyone desperate enough to sleep on the floor of the latrines.
"Yeah. I saw him. He was doing a really good job cleaning a toilet, it looked great... but then he puked in it. Kid's hungover as hell. But he's putting in effort.". Havoc confirmed.
Roy nodded. "Breda. Tell him he gets a lunch break in ten minutes. I doubt he's going to eat anything, but he can al least rest for an hour.".
Ed didn't complain the whole day. He fell asleep at his desk for lunch hour, but when he heard everyone shuffling back in at one he wordlessly got back to work.
On the ride home, Ed leaned his head against the window.
"I'm impressed, Fullmetal. You did a good job today." Roy admitted. He was slightly impressed. Normally Ed acted childish, but he'd manage to clean fifty toilets incredibly well. The effort the kid had put in really showed in his work, and he hadn't complained, either.
"So- did you learn your lesson?"
"Yeah. I'll come talk to you first next time." Ed agreed.
Roy smiled slightly, satisfied with himself. "And what do you think about drinking?"
Ed groaned. "Never again."
Roy chuckled slightly at that. "In moderation, maybe. But not like that. Drinking when you're upset is a bad idea. What do you want for dinner?"
Ed looked over at him, exhaustion showing in the dark bags beneath his eyes. "A quick and painless death." he said in a monotone voice.
"Well too bad- you're getting mac and cheese." Roy replied.
"Acceptable." Ed acquiesced.
Roy smirked, looking over the the hungover flea he'd grown so attached to. While there were messes and mishaps, he was finding he wouldn't have it any other way. It was worth the headaches to keep the Shrimp around. He caused more amusement than he did pain.