Fatin is sunbathing in her backyard when a shadow blots out the sun. She's expecting her mom or brother so she prepares a tirade only to have the words die in her throat when she sees Leah standing there instead. She blinks owlishly a few times trying to make sense of the scene. Leah is pacing frantically. She quickly sits up as annoyance morphs into concern.
"Leah…" She stands up and extends her hand as she slowly approaches.
Leah stops pacing and looks at her then averts her gaze. "You can put some clothes on, I promise to delay my impending madness while you do."
Fatin smiles at that. Then wordlessly puts a shirt on over her bikini top.
"Nothing you haven't seen before." She teases.
Leah rolls her eyes and shakes her head. "As if I need the reminder."
Fatin licks her lips but doesn't respond to the likely unintentional flirting.
She sighs. "So...what brings you to my humble abode?"
Leah's eyes widen like she just abruptly remembers. "I know something...a secret. And I'm trying to be more open and honest and not keep secrets...but this isn't my secret. But it's big. And it's important. And I really want to tell you because I hate keeping things from you...but…" She sighs loudly and runs her hands through her hair. "I can't. Morally it would be wrong. Even if revealing the secret would be a really good thing for the people involved…"
Fatin tries to keep up but is confused. It doesn't sound like Leah or any of their friends are in danger. She wonders what it could possibly be, but then remembers that Toni stayed overnight at Leah's last night. And what if...what if Toni told Leah about Fatin's crush on her? Does this mean that...could Leah be telling her that it's okay? That she's interested.
"Leah...I don't know what Toni told you…"
Leah closes her mouth and stares at her. "I never said it was about Toni. Why would you think it was about Toni?"
Well now Fatin is confused. Is there something going on with Toni? Surely, Toni would tell her, wouldn't she?
"Okay, so it's not about Toni." Fatin tries again. "So you...you came over here to tell me that you had something that you can't tell me?"
Leah blushes adorably and bites her lip as she nods. Fatin smiles at her.
"I'm not crazy." Leah shuffles from foot to foot. "I realize that this doesn't actually help my case...but I'm not crazy."
"I know." Fatin tells her softly.
Leah sighs again and then sits down on the lounge chair that Fatin was recently lying in. Fatin sits beside her and rubs her back gently as she tries to calm her.
"Well, since you are already here. Is there anything you can talk about?" Fatin asks quietly.
"What are your thoughts on lesbian necromancers?"
Fatin stares at her incredulously and laughs out loud. "What?!"
And Leah launches into a book trilogy she is reading. Halfway through an in-depth description of book two, Fatin caves and buys the audio-books. They squeeze into the lounge chair and cuddle as Fatin presses play to book one.
When Leah leaves later that afternoon, Fatin enters the house with a huge smile plastered on her face.
"So, Leah…" Her mom trails off with a knowing smile. "She's a very sweet girl, you should have her over for family dinner sometime."
Fatin closes her eyes and ducks her head. "I...I'll ask her." She looks at her mom. "We're just friends…" She studies her mom's eyes carefully. "But...if I were...to like girls...in the same way that I like boys. If there was someone special...would that be okay?"
Her mom smiles broadly. "Honey, I don't think I've ever seen you happier than when you walked into the house just now. Except for when you had all of your friends over for the pool party a few weeks ago." She caresses Fatin's cheek, and holds her gaze. "I've only ever wanted you to be happy and I know I didn't always show that the right way. But I have been working on it. I think I've gotten better, we seem to have gotten closer…"
Fatin nods. "You have. We have."
Her mom nods. "Thank you for sharing yourself with me. I know how hard it must be. I've been talking with the Reid's, and Mrs. Blackburn. We all used to be close when you were little. And we're all so happy you reconnected. They said that their kids have also never been happier, Toni too. I'm so glad that Mrs. Blackburn is officially adopting Toni."
Fatin's eyes widen. "What?!?!?!"
That must have been the secret that Leah wanted to share but couldn't.
Her mom looks startled. "Oh, maybe it was supposed to be a surprise."
Fatin processes it. What it means for Toni to finally have a family. To know she's wanted and loved. She instantly starts to cry and relaxes when her mom's arms wrap around her.
"I...I'm going to go over there. I want to see Toni."
"Of course, dear." She kisses her temple. "As I was saying, we've all been talking and wanted to have a cookout after Martha's dance competition. It's in a few weeks, and I'm planning on hosting. I wanted to reach out to Leah's parents too. And Dot's dad."
Fatin pulls away from her and stares at her with so much love and compassion. "I hope he comes. It would mean the world to him and Dot."
Her mom smiles at her. "I'm proud of you, Fatin. More proud of the amazing woman you have become and the family you created for yourself than I ever was of your talent."
And that's when Fatin completely breaks down. And her mom holds her so securely that it makes her just as proud of her. And she thinks about Toni again. Mrs. Blackburn is an amazing mother and Toni is finally getting what she deserves.
She heads to her room to wash her face, put make-up on and change into actual clothes before she heads over to see Toni. When she gets to her room, her brother is wearing one of her dresses, has lipstick on and is stumbling around in her highest heels. She breaks into a grin.
"You look amazing." She tells him brightly and the beam she gets in return in everything.
She didn't want him to be embarrassed for what he was doing, she wants him to feel proud and safe to express himself. And she wonders, idly, if she's using the correct pronouns in her head or if she should start to adjust them. Maybe he's just playing around as kids do. But maybe it's something more. And she vows to be as good a sister to him as she has been trying to be a friend and daughter. He deserves the world, and she will ruin herself trying to give it to him.
"Thank you." He looks down shyly. "You're not mad?"
She shakes her head. "I think you're missing something though."
She goes to her make-up cabinet and grabs her eye shadow. She picks the perfect color to match the dress. And as she summons him over, she grins at the way his eyes shine.
He's calm and patient as she puts the make-up on him and slicks back his hair.
"Perfect." She tells him and grabs her phone. "Mind if I take a picture?"
He looks a bit nervous, but nods. She quickly snaps the pic, and then a selfie with him. She took them for herself not for her social media followers, and plans to get the one of the two of them framed.
"You know I love you, right?" She says as she puts her phone away. "No matter what. And I'm always here...if you need anything. And mom...she is, too."
He tears up a bit, but nods in acceptance. "I know."
She kneels and leans into him and lowers her voice like she's sharing a secret. "Red is your color."
He smiles.
"I wanted to share something with you." She says, sitting back on her heels. "I like girls."
He smiles at her. "Like...you want to kiss them?"
Fatin grins. "Absolutely." She studies him before adding, "But I also still like kissing boys."
He nods. "I do, too."
Fatin's eyes widen slightly. She tries to think of something to say; the best way to respond.
"I only kissed one. But it was fun." He adds.
She hugs him again, so tightly. She doesn't know when he grew up. Or how much more of his life she missed out on, but she knows she doesn't want to miss any more.
Eventually, she arrives at the Blackburns. Mrs. Blackburn is outside hanging laundry on the line.
"Fatin, what a lovely surprise." She says with a genuine smile. "Martha and Toni are inside watching a movie, go on and join them. They'll be happy to see you."
Fatin nods, but then pauses. "I heard about the adoption. I'm so happy for all of you."
Mrs. Blackburn grins with pride. "I've been trying for years, but Toni kept resisting. I don't know what finally made her cave this time...but I'd bet my life it was you girls. That girl loves you all so much. I...I used to stay up at night, worried about her. Praying for her. I just wanted her to be okay." She sounds faraway--lost in thought. "I didn't think she'd ever let those walls down." She shakes her head. "I know you know some of this, so I'm not breaking her confidence, but that brave girl has been through so much. I'm glad she finally let herself relax. She was always a ball of anger. So brittle and strong. She carried so much. And she did it alone, like...like she didn't trust anyone else to want to help. To not let her down. Not hurt her." She sighs. "But now...she sleeps. Martha says that there are hardly any nightmares anymore. And she doesn't have all this anxious energy. It's almost like...like she handed over the reins. She's letting us prove we have her back...letting us help her fight her battles. And...it has allowed her to relax. To calm down." She smiles sadly and stares at Fatin intently. "She's letting us see the parts of her that she had to keep hidden for so long...and it's beautiful. The transformation. And...I've seen what her strength and vulnerability have given my daughter. Martha needs her just as much as Toni always needed Martha. They've always been sisters. And I am beyond proud to be able to make it official. My daughters."
Fatin lost track of how many times she cried today, but she jumps into Mrs. Blackburn's arms and hugs her as fiercely as possible. "I'm so glad Toni always had you and Martha. And I know that I wasn't always there...but I am here now. I'm never giving up on her again."
"She adores you too, Fatin. You're a great friend to them both."
Fatin is wiping her eyes as she walks into the house in search of the girls. They are cuddled together on the couch. Popcorn is scattered everywhere.
"Fatin?!?!?" Toni is the first to notice her. "What are you doing here?"
"Apparently, chaperoning a bunch of toddlers." Fatin replies with a smirk. "What the hell happened in here?"
Martha fidgets awkwardly. "There may have been a popcorn fight."
"Over what?"
"Martha ships Paul and Ellie even though Ellie is queer and they are perfect as friends." Toni groans.
Fatin frowns. "What?"
"The movie. It's a bromance, queer romantic comedy and Martha is trying to make it heteronormative." Toni explains.
Fatin's eyebrows furrow. "I'm still not sure what that means."
"We're watching The Half of It ." Martha tells her. "Toni, restart it. Fatin, get over here."
Fatin rushes over to the couch and squeezes in between them, because after the day she had she needs to be fully surrounded by love from two of her favorite people. She shoves Toni playfully.
"Bitch...why didn't you tell me you were being adopted by Mrs. Blackburn?"
Toni stares at her. "Who told? I'm gonna kill them."
Fatin rolls her eyes. "Apparently Mrs. Blackburn told my mom."
"Oh." She immediately relaxes.
"What? Not planning matricide then?" Fatin teases.
"Shut up and watch the movie." Toni growls.
But then she cuddles into Fatin and rests her head on her shoulder. Fatin tugs her closer and holds on to her during the entirety of the movie.
"I'm with Toni on this Martha. That shit is gay. I mean, there's going to be a sequel, right? They can't possibly wait until they're done with college for Aster to figure her shit out."
Toni laughs. "How are they both so oblivious? They're perfect together."
"I know! Right!"
They laugh. Fatin ends up staying overnight, and the three of them stay up all night talking, catching up, laughing. They reminisce about the good old days and plan for their future together. Fatin going to be a social media influencer, Toni will get a basketball scholarship and Martha will become a veterinarian. They imagine the different ways they can all stay together, and fantasize about what their friends will be.
"Rachel will definitely be an MMA fighter. You should see her right hook!" Toni declares.
"Nora will be a scientist who cures Cancer or some shit." Fatin adds.
"I think Shelby will be a psychologist or teacher...something that lets her help people." Martha ponders.
"Leah…" Fatin starts but is interrupted when Toni playfully adds, "Will not be your trophy wife! I swear she deserves more than that!"
Martha sits up. "Wait...what?"
"I hate you." Fatin says as she shoves Toni, who is laughing uncontrollably.
Martha studies them and shakes her head. "Leah will be a college professor. Or something else equally smart." Then she sighs and adds. "I don't care what we become, as long as we are all still together."
Toni stops laughing and holds Martha's hand. "Hey, we will be. I don't believe in a lot...but I believe in us. All of us."
And just like that, Fatin is crying again. "See, I really hate you."
Toni rolls her eyes, and pulls Fatin into her and holds her. "I hate you, too."
They spend the next afternoon together and Fatin is looking forward to their club meeting the following afternoon. She enjoys the one on one with each of her friends, and the time she has with the core group of them; but she also adores the entire club. When she arrives at the meeting, most of the people are already there. She scans the room to find Regan.
"Hey, do you have any trans flag buttons? Or that 'Whatever' pronoun one?" She asks her.
"I do. I have both." She quickly opens the tote she carries with her to the meeting and rifles through it before handing Fatin the ones she requested.
"Oh...and a pride flag, a bi flag, a pan flag…" Fatin continues.
Regan's eyes widen. She holds the tote out toward Fatin so she can grab whatever ones she wants.
"New recruits for the club?" Regan asks.
Fatin shakes her head. "Nope. For my kid brother. I want to cover all the bases."
Regan smiles fondly at her and nods.
McKenna, who is on the Quiz Bowl team with Nora and Quinn, raises her voice slightly, to be heard over the excited buzz of conversation in the room. "I'm trans."
The hushed conversations stop and everyone listens to McKenna, who rarely speaks in the meetings.
"I...I transitioned the summer before seventh grade...before we moved here." She looks awkwardly around the room. "I've been thinking a lot about what Jeanette said last week. About wanting you all to know me. All of me." She glances at Fatin. "And I wasn't sure...I didn't know...but then you asked about buttons for your brother and you obviously adore him. So I thought...I hope you all can accept me as I am." She gestures at herself. "I love me and my parents love me. But...it would be really nice if you all did, too."
Regan thrusts the tote into Fatin's hands so she can properly hug McKenna. Quinn, Oliver and Nora are quick to follow.
"Of course we do. This doesn't change anything...except now we get to know you a little better. Thanks for sharing...for trusting us." Jeanette says, in her normal Australian accent.
Everyone else takes turns offering their support and some hugs to McKenna while Fatin grabs another button out of the tote. A trans flag. She notices McKenna didn't wear one along with her She/Her pronoun button or the I Love Hugs one. She hesitantly hands it to her, and McKenna takes it gratefully.
"Thank you." She says as she puts it on immediately. "And if you ever want someone to bounce ideas off of in regards to how to talk to your brother...let me know."
Fatin smiles at her gratefully. "I would really like that. I'm out of my depth here and don't want to mis-step with him. It's too important."
The meeting breezes by, as it always does when she spends it with these perfect humans. As they get ready to rearrange the chairs and dismiss for the evening, Shelby speaks up quietly.
"There is also something I wanted to talk about." She looks as white as a ghost and Fatin shares a look with Dot and Leah as they realize what she most likely is about to say.
"I…" Shelby takes several deep breaths.
Dot is closest to her, so she puts her arm around her to steady her--maybe give her strength. And it seems to work.
"I'm gay." She swallows thickly. And lets her eyes fall to the floor. "I'm a lesbian."
Fatin studies Toni and sees her stiffen and frowns as to why she would react in such a way.
"Thank you for sharing your truth with us, Shelby. I know how scary it is." Leah says with encouragement.
"You know we love you." Rachel adds.
Shelby nods and then looks around the room. Her eyes settling on Toni briefly before continuing on. "I'm sick of the lies. Of being too scared to be myself. I'm sick of feeling like I have to hide who I am because of who my father is. Fuck him."
Toni smirks. "Wow. Do you say your prayers with that mouth."
Shelby rolls her eyes and smiles as she locks eyes with Toni again. "As a matter of fact, I do." She fumbles with the cross necklace around her neck. "My dad may be homophobic and hide behind Christianity to do it. But I'm still a Christian. I still believe. I believe even more now...because...there has to be a God...I know it, because he brought me you." She blushes and diverts her eyes from Toni immediately as she adds quickly and a bit too loudly. "All of you. He brought me all of you."
Fatin is so proud of her. The group takes turns hugging Shelby just as they did McKenna. Eventually, only she and Toni are left. She glances at Toni and Toni seems to shake herself from her own thoughts before taking a deep breath and walking over to Shelby.
"Welcome to the dark side." Toni says as she hugs Shelby and the blonde holds her so tightly that Fatin can't watch any more.
Shelby looks relieved and broken at the same time. Fatin's eyes scan the room before settling on Leah's. Leah walks over to her.
"Somehow, Toni still has no clue that Shelby is in love with her." Leah whispers.
"Yeah, how can someone so smart be so stupid at the same time." She says as she stares at Leah knowingly.
"I know right. It would hurt to watch if it wasn't so funny. I'm going to talk to Regan about getting T-shirts made. So when they finally figure their shit out and get together we can wear them."
Fatin smirks. "Not sure making the ex root for them is appropriate."
Leah's eyes widen. "Right."
Fatin sighs. "I gotta go give her my love."
She nods toward Shelby and Leah nods in understanding before stepping aside and letting her walk passed her. As Fatin approaches them, Toni detaches herself from Shelby and steps away awkwardly. Shelby smiles at Fatin and Fatin hugs her.
"It's about time." She teases and Shelby laughs.
"I know. I...I couldn't do it any more. I…" She steps away from the hug and glances at Toni who is now chatting with Leah and Martha. "She doesn't like liars...and I felt like I was lying to her. I…"
"She understands. I don't think she ever considered someone keeping themselves safe like you had to a liar."
Shelby nods. "I know I don't have much of a chance...but even if there's a little one, I would hate myself if I don't take it."
Fatin's eyes widen. "Are you going to…"
Shelby's eyes match hers in diameter and she shakes her head frantically. "No way. Not yet. I just meant...I don't want her to keep misreading things that might be happening between us. I want her to know that she can consider me...that I'm right here. And I'm not scared anymore." She sighs and looks at Fatin sincerely. "I mean, I'm absolutely terrified. But not…"
Fatin nods. "I get it."
"I'm glad you do."
"You might want to try being a little less obvious about it though." Fatin smirks. " God led you to her…"
Shelby blushes. "I know! It slipped out."
"Soon, you'll be saying ' you're the prettiest person I l know...but you're a lot more than that. '" Fatin tells her sarcastically.
Shelby sighs. "She is! She's so pretty and…" She screws her eyes shut. "You were teasing me again."
"Only a little." She smiles at her warmly.
Leah walks over to them. "I'm heading over to Martha's. Rachel and Toni are boxing as usual and Nora and Martha are hanging out. Want to come?"
Fatin frowns. "I would love to, but I promised my mom a family dinner and I wanted to spend time with my brother."
Leah nods and glances at Shelby. "You coming?"
Shelby's eyes light up. "Yes."
Leah smiles and hugs Fatin before the group of them take off. She watches them go as Dot appears at her side.
"Never a boring day at the GSA."
Fatin rolls her eyes. "Did you practice that rhyme first or does your dorkiness come naturally?"
Dot punches her and Fatin laughs out loud.
"Come on. I'll take you home. I want to visit with your dad a bit before I need to be home."
"Great! He's been asking about you."
They walk out of the room together, and Fatin is at ease. She teased Shelby earlier, about how cheesy she was being. But she was right. Fatin feels it, too. The invisible string that connects them all together. The fate or destiny or whatever it is. The divine intervention that brought these people into her life when she needed them the most.
XXXXXX
Rachel and Leah stand in shock as Toni angrily paces around the barn.
"I don't know what's happening." Leah whispers to Rachel.
"Neither do I." Rachel glances at her. "You're the best friend. Do something."
Leah beams with pride momentarily before she sighs in resignation and slumps her shoulders. "This might be beyond my pay grade. Should we get Martha?"
Toni stops pacing and punches the punching bag hard with an ungloved hand before wincing and shaking it out.
"Don't hurt yourself." Leah says as she approaches her and looks at her injured hand.
It was red and may likely bruise.
"I just...this is the worst development ever!" Toni yells in frustration. "Why does she have to be gay?"
Leah's eyes widen as does Rachel's and they glance at each other.
"You're mad about Shelby being gay? You have a crush on her. How is that a bad thing?" Leah says.
It surprises Rachel that Leah knows, but then she let's it wash away. She's glad she isn't the only one who does, because that shit is hard to keep a secret.
"It's bad because it gives me false hope." She stares at Leah sincerely with sad, scared eyes. "I don't need hope, I have no room left for it."
Leah frowns and fidgets. "But...what if it isn't a bad thing?"
"How can it not be?" Toni stares at her incredulously. "I'm already hopeless. Did you see me today? I was attached to her like a koala bear. I need to get my shit together and not be a fucking creeper."
Leah smiles lopsidedly. "I thought it was cute. You fit together so perfectly.
"Ahhh!" Toni steps away and puts her hands over her ears. "Nope. You do not get to encourage this." She glares at Leah. "As my best friend you are supposed to be the voice of reason. You are supposed to talk me down from the ledge. Don't make me revoke your best friend card."
Leah looks at Rachel helplessly with wide eyes.
"Look, let's talk this through rationally." She says.
"Rachel's right." Leah nods.
Toni takes a few deep, steadying breaths before nodding. "Okay, right."
"Our friend, Shelby, who's dad is a homophobic asshole, was brave enough to come out as a lesbian today to a room full of people. I think that should be the big takeaway here, right?" Leah says kindly, but firmly. "Whatever other emotions you have going on--which are valid and I do want to hear them when you're ready to discuss it honestly--don't let them overshadow how scared she must be right now. How much she probably needs her friend, who is also a lesbian...to help her navigate these scary waters. Someone who could maybe give her a queer curriculum to educate herself so she can learn to be comfortable in her own skin. Someone who can give her the strength to get through this uncertain time."
Toni calms down immediately and sits on the ground. "You're right. I'm an asshole."
Leah's eyes widen. "Nowhere during that entire speech did I call you an asshole! I was pointing out how great of a friend you are and how, maybe you want to be more, but...don't underestimate the power of friendship. I know I don't."
Toni nods again and runs her fingers across her swelling knuckles. "I think I need ice."
"Okay...but...do you want to talk about why you were really so upset?" Rachel wonders quietly.
"Because I'm scared. I don't know if I'm more terrified of the possibility that she will never like me back or that she could." Toni admits softly.
"And why would her liking you terrify you?"
"Because love doesn't last. Because people get sick of me or I scare them away. Because...what if I get everything I could ever want and it doesn't work out in the end?"
"What if it does?" Leah asks.
Toni swallows thickly and then lets Leah hug her. They stay like that for a few minutes before they decide to bypass boxing today and head inside instead. Leah pulls Rachel aside and let's Toni walk in front of them.
"I cannot tell you how happy I am that someone else knows. This secret has been eating me alive!" Leah whisper yells.
"Me too." Rachel agrees. "Shelby coming out to the club is huge. I know she was scared about it and I'm so proud of her. I've been trying to figure out if Shelby feels the same way so that I can protect Toni if I need to."
"You don't need to." Leah says.
Rachel stares at her. "You...how do you know?"
"Shelby isn't subtle. Like, the astronauts watching from the International Space Station can probably see it." Leah tells her.
Rachel frowns. "I've been watching for a week...she isn't that obvious."
Leah rolls her eyes and laughs. "You don't know what you're looking for. It's there. We don't have to protect Toni from Shelby, we have to protect her from herself. So she doesn't screw this up."
Rachel nods, she can get on board with that. They get inside shortly after Toni and see her rifling through the freezer for some ice. Shelby walks into the room soon after, with Martha and Leah flanking her.
"What's going on, what happened?" Martha asks, looking between the three girls.
"Toni hurt her hand." Leah said.
Shelby's eyes widen and she rushes to her and gingerly holds Toni's hand in hers. "It's bruised and swollen. You're lucky I summer interned as a Candy Striper. I know exactly what to do."
She grabs the ice, a glass of water and some ibuprofen and gets to work nursing Toni. Toni pretends to protest, but lets Shelby have her way with her.
Rachel is startled by Leah elbowing her in the side. "See? It's obvious."
And Rachel has to agree. She sees it now. "Ok. I'm in. How do we keep Toni from self-sabotage?"
"I have a plan...but it involves Fatin. And could blow up in our faces." Leah says seriously.
Rachel grins. "I'm in."
She watches as Shelby grabs Toni by the shoulders and directs her from the kitchen to the living room as if she suddenly can't keep her hands off the girl. And Rachel realizes that the suddenness of it probably has a lot to do with the weight off her own shoulders. Being out. Being in a safe environment that allows her to be herself. Being accepted and loved by the people she cares most about, sans her father. Rachel always had a soft spot for Shelby, ever since she befriended Nora. But this moment, the strength and vulnerability she revealed today endears Rachel to her further.
Shelby and Toni sit squeezed together, no space at all between them as Shelby continues to fuss over her. "I don't understand how this happened? Isn't that what the gloves are for? To protect from injury?"
"I...wasn't wearing gloves." Toni admits.
"What?" Shelby admonishes and then immediately softens. "I know you know how stupid that was, I'm not going to make you feel worse about it."
"Gee, thanks." Toni rolls her eyes and Shelby grins.
"So...are we going to start watching Atypical...or did our plans change?" Nora asks randomly.
"We're still watching." Toni tells her. "Shelby, consider this the beginning of your queer education. I'll text you the same curriculum I set up for Leah and I do assign homework."
"Fair warning, it's graded." Leah whispers with faux terror and Shelby laughs.
Rachel can't help laughing along with them. She sits by Nora, who has her head in Martha's lap as the girl runs her fingers through her hair. Martha presses play on episode one as they all settle in together.
Rachel keeps stealing glances at Shelby and Toni. She isn't into romance at all, but she can't help rooting for them. And she knows she isn't the only one, when Leah keeps catching her eye and winking. Rachel watches her sister as she watches the TV screen and settles her eyes on the contented smile on Martha's face. Leah was right, never underestimate the power of friendship. The value of being seen and having your people to share your life with. She isn't missing out on anything by being aromantic, she's not broken or incomplete. Her life is filled to capacity. And she is truly content for the first time.
She thought that diving gave her life purpose. That it made her matter. That it was her passion. But she was wrong. She thinks about supporting Nora at Quiz Bowl or attending Toni's basketball games. She thinks about boxing with her. And Volleyball at Fatin's. She realizes that she has more fun cheering for them than she ever did competing for herself. Diving had been her way to feel seen and noticed by her parents.
But boxing has been a great way to channel her anger, more so than any competition she has ever participated in. The GSA has given her a sense of belonging and value. And getting to relearn Nora, and reconnect with her friends has given her a purpose. Beyond trophies or medals or recognition. Her purpose has become being a great friend--a worthy and accepting and inspirational friend. Like how Leah talked Toni down today. Or how they GSA has gathered people who felt otherwise alone, and made them feel special and seen and understood. How Shelby is taking care of Toni. How Mrs. Blackburn takes care of them all. That's what she wants for her life. She wants to be the person they turn to. The rock. Not the landmine. Not the bomb waiting to explode. She wants to be grounded and strong. She wants to be their person.
When she and Nora head home that night, she makes up her mind to confront her parents. To tell them how she feels. She asks Nora to stay with her. And Nora does so wordlessly, holding her hand as she addresses them at the kitchen table.
"I've been cut from the team." She tells them.
"What?! Honey...no." Her mom is visibly upset.
"Why? What happened?" Her dad wonders.
"It's been coming for a year. Coach warned me last season, and I tried my best to improve but couldn't do what was required for us to win. If I stay on, I risk dragging the whole team down."
"I can't imagine how you must be feeling…" Her mom says.
"No, you can't. You can't possibly, because we never talk about it." Rachel admits. "She cut me last week."
"And you're just telling us now?" Her dad wonders with hurt lacing his tone. "Why?"
"Because I wanted to prolong it as long as I could...I didn't want you to stop loving me just yet." She says matter-of-factly, even though it was anything but.
"Sweetheart...what are you talking about? We love you. This doesn't change that." Her mom says and Rachel feels Nora's hand tighten in hers.
"I know. I do. Now. But that's how I felt my entire life. Like the only time you ever noticed me was when I was winning competitions."
They look destroyed. Her mom starts crying.
"We...we made you feel that way?" Her dad asks quietly.
She nods. "I felt invisible...until I started diving. And a part of me worried that if I lost it...I'd go back to feeling invisible. But I'm not. I know I matter to people. I have friends who…"
"And you have me." Nora interrupts her quietly. "You always have me."
Rachel smiles at her. "I know I do."
"You have us. You will always have us. We love you. So much." Her mom says through her crying. "I don't...I can't...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I forgive you. I don't blame you. I...a lot of that was on me. In my own mind. And it took me a long time to see it. How blind I've been to everything around me. How selfish. How wrong I've been. But you did only focus on diving. You never asked about anything in my life beyond that...and that is on you. I'm more than what I can or can't do."
They both nod frantically. "Yes, of course."
"And since I'm being honest, I'm also aromantic. That means I never want to date anyone or be in a relationship. So don't start putting those expectations on me either."
They nod again.
She sighs and then nods. "Okay, good. I'm glad I got that all out." She shakes her head. "I feel so much lighter."
Her mom reaches across the table and holds her free hand. "We love you. As you are. I'm sorry that that got lost somehow. But you…" She glances at Nora and then back at Rachel. "You girls are our world. You always have been."
Rachel attempts to hold back the tears, but fails to do so. Nora holds her, hugging her against her chest as she cries.
"I've never been prouder of you." Nora tells her. "Not even when you won State Sophomore year."
And Rachel relaxes into her sister's arms and lets her comfort her. She believes them. And she's so glad that maybe things will change now. Now that the pressure to be perfect enough to earn their love is gone. Now that she can just be.
They talk, as a family, about their day. About the coming week. And about their friends. Because really, that is what's most important to Rachel and that's what she wants to share with her parents.