Chapter 29

I run through the castle hearing screams from everyone in my family. I keep running, killing Howe's men as I come across them. I keep running and I reach a door. I open it and all I see is my family dead… all but Fergus. I turn around and there he is, "You said you would protect them. You said that you would make sure that no harm comes to them." He lunges at me with his sword, aiming from my heart. I'm not fast enough.

I wake up covered in sweat, "A nightmare." My breath quivers as I try to calm my heart down in my chest. I push my short hair that is stuck to my forehead, and rub my face, that is when I start to pull on a bandage on my chin. I leave my bed roll and see that Nienna is on watch. I get my armor on and grab my sword to sit out with her.

Nienna was sitting by the fire outside of the tent, she turned to look at me. "If you keep pulling on the bandage it won't heal right."

I sigh, "I didn't mean to. I rubbed my face and forgot it was there." I sit down next to her.

She reached into a pouch on her belt, pulling out a clean roll of bandages. "Here, replace it. I can take out the stitches in a few days, but you need it covered for now." She also passed me a waterskin and a clean rag. "Might also want to clean off as best you can."

I took the bandage that I currently had on and wiped my face. Afterwards, I recovered the stitches. "Thank you."

"No problem." She turned back towards the fire. "The nightmares will get easier to deal with, they won't stop but... They won't be as bad."

I shrug, "Nothing I can do but deal with them… the worst part is that I worry that my brother will blame me for what happened. Especially since he lost his wife and son."

"He won't. If he's anything like you, he won't blame you but blame the man who ordered them dead." She started to twist the band on her finger.

I just stare at the fire, "A part of me knows that to be true, but oftentimes I find myself worrying about the fact that I might be wrong."

"Guilt and regret like to do that to a person. I know Shianni doesn't blame me for what happened, but… that feeling will never leave." She sighed, letting go of the ring on her finger. "You just learn to live with it I suppose."

"You are forced to deal with it… the alternative is to let it consume you." I thought for a minute. "Well I think I will deal with it until I relieve Howe's body of his head."

"You won't be relieving his body of much. His head must be entirely empty if he thought what he did would actually work."

I chuckle, "It would have worked… If you and Duncan hadn't been there. I would have not been able to leave. I guess Duncan was right when he said that the Maker made his intentions clear."

"Who cares what the Maker intends? Didn't he abandon the world anyway? Haven't all gods abandoned us at this point? What they intend or want, it doesn't matter anymore."

"You may be right… but when something like this happens, most turn to faith. That maybe I was meant to walk this path to make me stronger or something? I don't really know…"

"I don't. Faith is a belief is stories created by people long dead and passed on by anyone who chooses to believe those stories. Our lives are just the circumstances we meet and how we chose to face them."

I shrug, "Maybe it is, there is no way for anyone to know until we die."

"If I meet some kind of god when I die, I have a vast number of questions and words for them. Mainly being, why the hell didn't you actually help anyone?"

"Maybe the help they provide cannot always be good? What would we learn if we did not face adversity and challenges in our lives? In a world without problems, no one can fail, when no one can fail, how do we learn."

"The entire world is set for everyone to fail, of different things. No god did that, people did. My birth as an elf gave me a different set of challenges to face. That was determined by who my parents were, two people made that choice."

"When you say it like that it sounds like you blame your parents for what has happened to you."

"I don't. My parents loved me, I don't remember my father or who he was, but Cyrion took me in all the same and raised me when he married my mother. They did everything they could for me, but they couldn't change the way shems treat us or perceive us."

"So what exactly does shem mean? I have heard it used to describe humans in general, but I also know it to be a derogatory word against humans."

"Shem, is a shortened version of Shemlen, which is the word from humans in the elven language. But shem is used mainly as a term against humans as an insult."

"So would you consider me to be a shem?"

"Oh, no not at all. I use the word shem in a broader sense. Anyone in my opinion can be a shem. Even other elves. I use it as a label against anyone who doesn't accept someone based on things out of their control like their race. You aren't a shem, but most humans are."

I nod, "I have never been called a shem but I have heard the term used, so I was curious…" I sit there not sure what else to say.

She laughed quietly. "You actually respect people, so you are likely never to be called a shem by anyone. Though there are some elves who write off all humans as shems."

"I can't really blame them though. Humans, historically, have been rude and discriminatory to elves."

"They have, but then again all those people are dead now. My mother always told me to wait to pass judgement on those I didn't know. A human actually saved her life once, I don't know who it was but… if it wasn't for them I would have lost my mother even earlier then I did."

"I am sorry to hear that she passed. What happened, if you don't mind me asking?"

"She was late getting home, the lady she worked for needed her to stay past curfew before she could leave. A group of shems killed her, and they got away with it. When her body was brought to us… it was… I knew she was dead. I was five."

"That's not right… race doesn't matter, murder is murder."

"Well… she was out past curfew, so it was blamed on her. She was called a suspicious person and the men who killed her claimed they were defending themselves. The guards didn't care as they had a scapegoat."

"Why was there even a curfew?"

"It is in place as a way to keep us safe. The alienage in Denerim is locked by a gate at night and is separated from the rest of the city. It's more for us then the other people that live there. As an elf you are only safe when there is something keeping the humans out."

"But is that really a way to live?"

"No. It isn't. We have no way to protect ourselves, we have no choice of where we live, where we can go, what kind of work we are allowed to do, all of our choices are made for us. Even who we marry is handled by matchmakers, our parents, and the elders in the alienage."

I just nod, not really knowing what that is like but understanding that having no control can make you feel helpless. I don't know what else to say. "If you want, I will keep watch for the rest of the night. You can go get some sleep."

She stood up, grabbing her pack and slinging it over her shoulder. "Thanks. If anything happens just scream, I'll wake up." She headed into the tent, tossing a small wave at me before heading into it.

I give a small wave to her, as I keep watch on our surroundings. The task at hand being the only thing keeping me from being consumed by my thoughts. As the sun rose, we continued on our march to Ostagar.