Unraveled

by evitascarlett

An Apologize AU in which the roles are reversed, Johanna lived and Jim was the one who was gone: Their world had unraveled thirteen years ago and they had never really been the same, struggling to move on, to have some sort of peace when nothing felt right without him…and now it was about to unravel once more. See Author's note for more details. Castle Ficathon 2020.

15. Chapter 15

A/N: Thanks for your reviews; sorry for the delay.

Chapter 15

Elizabeth Beckett fussed with the hem of her lavender dress as she sat on her sofa waiting for her company. Andrew had wanted to be there but she had shooed him and Gabby out the door, telling them to come back later. She would see her son alone…well, not technically alone, Johanna would be there and she was sure that was the only reason why Andrew had agreed to leave, knowing that his sister-in-law would be on duty if things became too much. Andrew and Johanna were good to her, she couldn't deny that…and for the most part they treated her as they always had, her stroke hadn't changed things beyond recognition with them as it had with her other children; but there were times when they looked at her as if she was fragile and this was one of those times. It wasn't necessary; if she had survived thinking her son was dead, she could survive knowing he was alive…after all; having him alive was all she had wanted for all these years.

It was a terrible thing for a woman to go through life knowing she had outlived her child; it was a heavy weight to carry…a grief so deep that it was indescribable. Last night she had gone to sleep with the knowledge that her third born was alive and well…and this morning she had woke up feeling that absence of that weight on her chest. She knew Katie had doubts, that Johanna was locked in a haze of anguish, unsure of what to do with the multitude of feelings that had been unleashed within her…and she understood that; she'd feel the same way if she was in her place but as Jimmy's mother, all she felt was profound relief and a yearning to see him.

She breathed deeply, her eyes closing as the soft background noise of the television sparring her from complete silence as she waited. Johanna had sounded tired on the phone; she probably hadn't slept much, not that she could blame her but she was glad that she hadn't gone to work. Work was the last place Johanna needed to be right now. Elizabeth sighed softly; sometimes it was hard for her to believe that she and Johanna had gotten to this point where she thought of her more as a daughter than a daughter-in-law. God knew they had had their battles in the early days…they hadn't been the president of each others fan club that's for sure…but time and a grandchild had smoothed things over; despite the occasional battle that sprung up once in awhile. When she had met Johanna all those years ago before she and Jimmy had been serious, she had doubted Johanna's feelings for her son. Time had erased those doubts but if it hadn't, they would've been obliterated in January of 1999 when her daughter-in-law had burst through her door late in the night, shaking and sobbing, telling her that Jimmy had been murdered. She'd never forget Andrew telling her how he'd always be haunted by the way Johanna had screamed and crumbled at the morgue. Elizabeth's stomach churned; she'd never forget watching her struggle and spiral in those first years without Jimmy. There were times when she wasn't sure Johanna was going to make it without him…times when she wasn't sure that she herself would make it in a world that was now void of her husband and one of her cherished sons. They had both struggled…both had been on the verge on giving up in a world that seemed so cold without the men they loved…but somehow they had survived.

Elizabeth opened her eyes; these years without with Robert and Jimmy and been a long hard battle. Robert wasn't coming back; she had been with him when he died so she knew there was no subterfuge in his passing. But Jimmy had returned to them and she wanted nothing more than to see him…but she was also worried. What if he wasn't the same person she knew him to be? What if he was so entirely different that he seemed like a stranger instead of her son? What would she do then? Her jaw tightened at the thought; she just wouldn't let that happen.

The sound of a car door outside made her flinch and she forced herself to stay on the sofa; after all, it might be one of the neighbors and she never was a woman who had liked to appear over eager. She preferred to be seen as a woman who didn't hurry, who didn't leap at the first sound of possible company. But her heart leapt anyway as her ears strained, hearing the sound of footsteps hurrying up the porch. Her door unlocked and opened; closing after a moment.

"Liz," Johanna called out.

"In the living room," she called back.

A few moments later her daughter-in-law crossed the threshold of the living room looking weary as she dropped her purse on the stand by the chair. She studied her for a long moment; noting that she wore her makeup a little heavier than usual, trying to disguise the strain and anguish but it was a poor mask; one that couldn't deceive her…and most likely wouldn't deceive Jimmy either.

"How are you?" Elizabeth asked; breaking the silence that stretched between them.

"I'm fine," Johanna replied, her gaze flicking to the older woman. "You look nice…do you want me to put your hair up for you?"

"Do you think I should?" she asked.

"It's up to you…I just know you usually like to have it up when you're expecting company or going out."

"Do we have time?"

"It won't take me long," Johanna promised; "I'll go grab your brush and some bobby pins."

"Alright," Elizabeth said with a nod, knowing that her daughter-in-law was just looking for a distraction and that doing her hair for a few minutes was better than nothing. She wouldn't let on that she knew of course…after all, she did like to have her hair put up…and Jimmy would probably be expecting to see her with her hair put up as it usually always had been in the day time. She couldn't fault Johanna for feeling restless…she felt a little restless herself…or perhaps it was better labeled as impatience. She always had hated to wait for anything.

The sound of Johanna's footsteps on the stairs pulled her from her thoughts and she blew out a soft breath as her daughter-in-law came back into the room, moving in her direction with hairbrush in hand.

"Just turn toward the TV, Liz," Johanna instructed; "This won't take long."

Elizabeth turned herself toward the television, putting her back to the younger woman. "Are you sure you're okay?" she asked.

"I'm fine," Johanna said as she ran the brush through Elizabeth's faded hair.

"You leaned a little heavy on the eye makeup," Elizabeth commented; "You don't usually do that…and just so you know; it's not hiding anything; just magnifying it."

"I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing," Johanna replied; a hint of edge in her voice. "I didn't have time to wash it off and start over."

"Mhmm."

"I don't have any reason to lie," she stated as she twisted Elizabeth's hair into the elegant knot that was her signature look.

"Maybe not but you should wash it off…you don't want Jimmy seeing you looking like that, do you?"

"He saw me give birth…if he was going to be traumatized, that would've been the moment; I think he can cope with a little extra makeup on my face."

"I don't like it," her mother-in-law stated as she re-situated herself on the sofa. "You look like you're going for a cross between lawyer and street walker."

"I do not!"

"Yes, you do; go wash it off and put it on right. Your husband is coming, you should look nice for him…you should've worn a dress."

"He saw me in a skirt yesterday when I got called to the precinct to hear his little bombshell," Johanna remarked, bitterness coloring her tone. "He saw me in leggings and a tank top last night…I think he can stand the sight of me in jeans and a blouse."

"You saw him last night?" her mother-in-law asked.

"Yes; but don't tell Katie," she murmured as she laid the brush aside and moved across the room to the chair.

"You don't want her to know?"

"No, I don't. She's angry and she doesn't want me to be too trusting of him…but I had to talk to him…so I went to his hotel late last night."

"Oh?" Elizabeth said; a certain lilt in her voice.

"Nothing happened," she stated quickly. "I just wanted to ask him some more questions…and make sure he was still around since he didn't answer when I called from here."

"How did it go?"

Johanna shrugged. "We seem to end up bickering very easily."

"Well that's not all that surprising…you two have had your share of fights; it's probably just a natural reaction to things right now…it'll be different once things settle a little."

"I don't know about that; he wants to push things…just wants to snap his fingers and have everything it was thirteen years ago…well it's not that easy and it doesn't work that way."

"No, it doesn't," Elizabeth agreed; "But I'm sure you understand his desperation to make things better. I'm sure he just wants to be home with the people he loves."

"Yes, I know," she said slowly; "But some of us need a little time to work through things. Do you think a part of me doesn't want to do it the way he wants? Part of me would love nothing more than to be okay with it and run into his arms like nothing happened…but I just haven't gotten there yet, Liz. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize to me," her mother-in-law remarked. "I understand you being cautious."

"Do you?" she asked.

"I do," Elizabeth replied. "You might think so but I do…it's different for me than you, Johanna. I know that…and I'm not saying I'm not hurt by it all, I am…it's just different."

"I know," she said with a nod.

A knock at the door made them both flinch. "Is it him?" Elizabeth asked.

Johanna glanced at her watch. "I imagine it is…it's noon; that's when I told him to be here."

"Well go answer the door!" her mother-in-law replied with a hint of exasperation, waving a hand at her as a second knock sounded.

Johanna got to her feet and left the room, moving into the entry way; her heart fluttering as she did so. She paused, taking a breath as her hand curled around the doorknob and then she forced herself to open the door. Her gaze collided with Jim's, making her throat tighten with emotion.

"I starting to think that you had changed your minds," Jim said quietly as they studied each other through the screendoor.

"No, no one has changed their minds," she murmured, pushing open the screendoor.

Jim stepped inside, the nostalgia of his childhood home washing over him for a moment before his gaze returned to his wife, sweeping over as he noted that she had changed clothes and was now dressed in jeans and an emerald green top…her makeup done…although a little heavier than usual which was odd for her but it didn't diminish her beauty. "You look pretty," he told her softly.

Johanna scoffed. "Hardly."

"You're always beautiful," Jim told her, quickly leaning in and brushing a kiss against her cheek before she could stiffen and pull away.

Her tongue felt tied as he remained close to her, his hand curling around her hip as her eyes closed; remembering their embrace that morning and how it had branded her…making her long for another one but she couldn't just give in so easily…it was too soon; she was too raw…he was too desperate for it to be a quick reconciliation without working through anything…without giving her time to reconcile what had happened. He shifted closer, his hand sliding around her back, applying gentle pressure to bring her towards him but the motion brought her back down to earth and she pulled away from his grasp. "Your mother is waiting for you," she said softly.

"Are you sure she's okay?" he asked; that worry had nagged at him the whole drive.

"She's fine."

"Johanna," Elizabeth called from the living room. "Is it him or not!?"

She managed a small smile as she glanced at her husband. "See, perfectly fine."

He gave her a smile of his own, stretching his fingers out to catch hold of hers but she gently pulled them away, making him sigh. "Jo."

"Johanna!"

"It's him," she called back; "We're coming."

"Jo," Jim said softly once more.

She turned away from him. "Come on; don't keep her waiting," she said as she moved in the direction of the living room.

Jim followed behind her, his nerves on edge; wishing for the comfort that his wife had always given him in difficult moments but he seemed to be on his own. He crossed the threshold of the living room, watching as Johanna handed his mother her cane so she could rise from the sofa. His mother moved slowly, signs of age and the strokes he had been told about and it made his heart ache. She held herself regally though once she straightened up, just as she always had before and when she turned toward him, he could see that she had aged as the pictures on Johanna's Facebook had indicated but she was still beautiful. "Mom," he said gently as her gaze met his.

"Jimmy," Elizabeth said; her voice cracking as she studied him intently.

The crack in her voice and the tears filling her blue-grey eyes tore him apart inside. "I'm sorry," he told her, anguish coloring his tone. "I'm so sorry, Mom. I never wanted to hurt you."

A sob slipped from Elizabeth's lips as she held her arm out to him. He moved forward, wrapping her in an embrace as Johanna took the cane from her hand. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I'm so sorry."

Elizabeth hugged her son tightly as she cried; allowing thirteen years of grief to break free. When she finally got her emotions back under some control, she pulled back a little to study his face; her trembling fingers caressing his cheek. "I never thought I'd see this face again," she stated; her voice rough with emotion. "I thank God that I was wrong…and that you're here with us."

"I'm sorry," he repeated; "I didn't want this to happen."

"I know," she said, carefully stepping back so she could sit down on the sofa once more. "I wouldn't think you would."

Jim gently held on to her arm, guiding her back to her seat as Johanna handed her the tissues she had grabbed for her. "Johanna explained it to me yesterday," Elizabeth stated as she wiped her face. "But I want to hear it from you."

"Why?" he asked; "I'd rather us talk about better things."

"I want to hear it from you, Jimmy," she said firmly while Johanna moved back across the room to the chair, staying silent.

Jim sighed a little, his gaze flicking to his wife who shrugged but stayed silent, offering him no assistance. His mother's gaze was boring into him so he reluctantly told the tale of Pulgotti's case and how everything had spiraled out of his control which had landed him with a new identity in Virginia.

"What do you do in Virginia?" Elizabeth asked.

"I worked in law but not in the courtroom…research and case building."

His mother nodded. "And what did you tell people about yourself?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I'm sure somewhere over the course of the years that someone asked you about your family…if you were married, had children…siblings, parents. What did you tell them?" Elizabeth asked.

He swallowed hard, knowing Johanna wouldn't like the answer. "I told them I was divorced," he admitted.

Johanna's gaze jerked toward him; the words landing against her heart with the impact of a punch. Oh she knew he had to make up a story for the people he had been around but it hurt just the same.

"I didn't like saying it, Jo," he remarked; regret coloring his tone and stealing across his features. "I didn't like it…but I didn't want to lie and say there hadn't been you."

"What about Katie?" Johanna asked, her tone soft.

"I told them I had a daughter…but that we were estranged because of the divorce…which was all my fault. I want you to know that even though I had to lie, I took the blame for the story of our false divorce. I told them I had a mother and siblings…but that I had alienated them and they were on my wife's side," he confessed. "I didn't like lying about these things…but I didn't have a choice."

"I understand," Elizabeth remarked. "I'm sure Johanna does too."

Johanna understood but it didn't exactly make her feel better…but she figured it would be a long time before she felt better.

Jim glanced at his wife; he wasn't sure she understood but if that was the case, so far she wasn't saying so.

"Did you tell those people the truth when you decided to come home, Jimmy?" Elizabeth asked.

"No…I haven't done that yet."

"What did you tell them?" his mother asked.

"I told them I was coming home…that I wanted to get back in my daughter's life…see my mother and my siblings…that I was going to win back my wife," Jim said, his gaze meeting Johanna's. "None of that was a lie…I fully intend on doing all of it."

Johanna glanced away after a long moment. "What did they think of that?" she allowed herself to ask.

"They don't think it's going to work…but I'll prove them wrong," he said confidently.

"Tell me about Virginia," Elizabeth stated; drawing his attention back to her.

"I'd rather hear about you and the family," Jim told her as he reached for her hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "I want to hear all about you and everyone else. It's been so long since I've heard your voice that I just want to hear you talk."

Elizabeth gave him a smile. "Alright, Jimmy; the rest can wait. Do you want something to drink?"

"Coffee would be good," he replied.

"I'll get it," Johanna said, getting to her feet. "You two go ahead and catch up; I'll take care of the coffee."

He wanted to follow her; his gaze staying on her as she crossed the room but he knew he couldn't abandon his mother in the living room when he had asked her to catch him up on the family.

"She'll be back, Jimmy," Elizabeth murmured. "She just needs a few minutes alone."

Jim nodded. "Tell me all about you, Mom," he said; ignoring the sting in his heart. At least his mother seemed to be accepting of him…he'd just have to figure out how to get his wife to come around…and distance wasn't going to accomplish that goal.

---

"I guess you'll be needing a place to stay," Elizabeth remarked later on that afternoon after filling Jim in on some of the family happenings over the past decade. "I don't imagine that your wife is ready to take you home yet."

Jim's gaze flicked to Johanna. "No; she doesn't seem to want me there," he admitted.

Johanna's eyes closed in frustration. "It's not the way you make it sound. I told you, I need time."

"I feel like we've spent enough time apart, Johanna," he remarked.

She was tired and her feelings were raw, keeping her from censoring her words. "Yeah; well, I've felt that way every day for the last thirteen years but that doesn't mean I have to just snap my fingers and get over it while holding the door open just because you're ready to waltz through the door."

Jim's brow rose. "I didn't say you had to pretend nothing happened."

"That's nice of you considering it's impossible to pretend nothing happened."

"I just want to be home with you, Jo."

Tears pricked her eyes. "I need time…I keep telling you that and you're not listening."

"I listen," he retorted. "I listened last night, I listened this morning. I answered all of your trivia questions that you demanded answers to so you could be satisfied that it's me."

"And you think that means I should just give you what you want?"

His jaw tightened. "I came back here to be with you…to be with my family…but it feels like you want to keep me out. You've barely said a word the whole time I've been here."

"I need time," she said, her voice taunt with tension.

"How much time?" Jim asked before he could stop himself.

"I don't know, Jim," Johanna snapped. "I didn't have that answer for you last night and I don't have it today. Maybe I should call and ask your F.B.I. Agent how long I should wait…you know, like how you waited months after an arrest was made before you finally showed up yesterday."

The remark stung him. "That's a low blow," he stated; his tone low and even.

"Is it?" she asked; her emotions surging forward. "I think it was low of you to call my house and breathe in my ear all these years whenever the mood struck you instead of telling me the truth."

"I couldn't tell you the truth!" he yelled.

"You couldn't tell me but you had no qualms about calling the house…so you must've felt the phone was safe enough."

His gaze turned hard. "I couldn't tell you because I couldn't take the chance that you'd tell everyone that you felt had a right to know. I couldn't do it your way, Johanna…I know you'll realize that once you get past some of your anger."

"Yeah; and maybe once you get past your need to relieve your guilt, you'll understand why I can't just let you move back in today," she retorted. "I'm just not ready."

Jim sighed deeply. "I am…we could make it work. I could stay in the guest room if you don't want me in our room."

Her patience was wearing thin; her emotions threatening to overwhelm her. "I've wanted you there every single day and night of the past thirteen years…but you weren't there…I was there…alone…still telling you everything about my day because I though you could hear me…that you were still with me in some way…but you weren't…and don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're alive and well and sitting in this room with me…but I feel like a fool. I feel like I hardly know you. I feel angry…hurt…betrayed. I feel so many things and I can't sort them out if you're under my roof, pushing me for things I'm not ready to give. You might be ready but I'm not…and I'm sorry…I know it hurts you…I hurt too…but this is how it is right now."

He was about to open his mouth to speak when his mother laid her hand on his wrist. "Enough, Jimmy; she's not ready…and harping about it isn't going to get her there any faster. Now as I was going to say before the two of you went off on a tangent…you're free to stay here with me…as long as Johanna is okay with it. Would you be okay with it, Johanna?"

She scrubbed her hands over her face before glancing to her mother-in-law. "This is your house, Liz; he's your son…you have every right to have him here if you want him to stay with you."

"I know that," Elizabeth stated; "But I don't want you to be uncomfortable…you're here a good bit…and I don't want that to change…would it change?"

Johanna shook her head. "No; I'll still be here, Liz. I promise."

"I can just stay at the hotel," Jim said; feeling like an outsider in regard to his mother's worry about Johanna's feelings.

"You don't need to stay in a hotel," Elizabeth chastened. "You can stay here…I want you to stay here…you should be with the family. I just…I needed to know Johanna's okay with it…she helps me."

His fingers curled around her aged hand. "It's alright, Mom; I understand…I don't want to upset your routines with Johanna."

"It's fine with me," Johanna remarked. "I'm usually only here in the evenings for a few hours…it'll be fine."

"Are you sure?" Jim asked.

"Yes; and besides; this is her house…it's where you grew up; you have every right to be here."

Elizabeth nodded. "It's settled; you'll stay here with me…it'll be nice to have you here, Jimmy. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Mom…I thought about you all the time."

The woman nodded. "I thought of you every day…you and your father. I know I can't have him back…but at least you've been returned to us."

He gave her a small smile. "I'm just glad someone wants me…so far I've stuck out twice…I was anticipating you being number three."

"That's because you think you know it all and you don't know nearly as much as I do," Elizabeth stated. "As for striking out…it's not that they don't want you…they've just been through a lot and don't know what to do with themselves. If it was as bad as you think it is, do you think Johanna would be in this room right now?"

"She's here for you," Jim replied.

"Oh she may be here for me…but I know her…she's here for you too. She might not let herself believe that's the case but I know it is."

"I'll have to take your word for it," he muttered. "Katie's not here."

"No; but that's nothing new," his mother replied. "She's a brat…Johanna and I discuss her lack of visits often. Besides, it's probably better for her to be a little distant right now…she always needs a long cooling off period. You don't want her waving her gun around."

"No, I don't really want that," Jim said with a nod; "But I guess I couldn't blame her if she wanted to shoot me."

"I've got a gun," Johanna stated without meaning to say the words out loud.

Jim glanced at his wife and then gave his attention back to his mother. "She keeps mentioning that she has a gun."

Elizabeth nodded. "She does have one; I've seen it. It's usually in her purse…unless Gabby's with her; then she usually has it locked up at home."

"Gabby?" Jim asked.

"Andrew's daughter," his mother stated; " I forgot to tell you about Gabby. She'll be thirteen soon…Andrew's raising her on his own…well…not entirely; Johanna and I have done a healthy portion of the raising…Johanna more than me though. She's the closest thing Gabby has to a mother."

"Where is her mother?" Jim asked; a flicker of jealousy forming in his veins at the thought of his wife co-parenting with his brother.

"Tori wasn't interested in being a mother," Elizabeth replied. "She didn't want anything to do with it. When she and Gabby were released from the hospital; she stuck around for a week and then walked out on them. She filed for divorce and gave Andrew full custody. She comes around once every few years to see the girl; calls her once in a blue moon…but that's as far as it goes."

"I never did like Tori," he muttered.

"No one did," Elizabeth declared; "I tried to warn him. I told him she was nothing but trouble and heartache but he wouldn't listen."

"Well, in Andrew's defense, you've said that about every woman your sons have brought home," Jim quipped. "You said it about Johanna…and you two got used to each other…you seem to be good friends now."

"She's more my daughter than your sister," Elizabeth declared. "Madelyn wanted to put me in a home but Johanna and Andrew wouldn't let her."

"I'm glad to hear that…although I doubt any nursing home could hold you," Jim remarked; trying to keep his tone light despite how dark he felt inside…realizing how much he had missed…how life had gone on without him.

"We've got a lot of catching up to do, Jimmy," Elizabeth remarked. "It's good that you'll be staying here…you are going to stay with me, aren't you?"

Jim nodded; he couldn't deny her need to give him a home…and besides, it felt good to be welcome by someone. "Yeah, Mom; I'll stay here with you. I'm paid up at the hotel for tonight though, so I'll check out tomorrow morning and come over here to stay. Is that okay?"

"That's fine…that will give me and Johanna time to get your room ready. I know we cleaned the other bedrooms not too long ago but it probably needs dusted…and we should put fresh sheets on the bed."

"Which room do you want him in, Liz?" Johanna asked. "I can make you lunch and then I'll go up and clean up for you while you visit with Jim."

"We'll put him in the main guest room; that way he'll have a TV if he wants to watch it late at night and he'll have his own bathroom."

Johanna nodded. "Alright; I'll take care of it. What do you want me to make you for lunch?"

Elizabeth looked to her son. "What would you like for lunch, Jimmy?"

He shrugged. "Whatever Johanna wants to make…you are going to eat with us, aren't you, Jo?"

She shook her head. "I'm not hungry. I'll make lunch and then go upstairs and clean."

"You don't have to do any special cleaning for me," Jim declared; "I'm sure the room is fine."

"I'll clean it anyway. Liz, you bought that pack of roast beef at the store a few days ago. I could make you sandwiches with it."

"That sounds good," her mother-in-law agreed. "Is it okay with you, Jimmy?"

"It's fine," he replied; although he wished he could have a hot home cooked meal by his wife…but he figured he probably shouldn't say so.

Johanna surged to her feet. "Alright, I'll go get lunch taken care of and then I'll get on the cleaning."

"There's no rush," Elizabeth told her.

Maybe not, Johanna thought to herself as she headed for the kitchen, but she needed the excuse to get away for a little while. For some reason spending the day there with the two of them was harder than she had anticipated…maybe it was Jim's need to push or Elizabeth's easy acceptance; but either way, she found herself needing breaks from it and she hoped her mother-in-law understood.

---

Johanna couldn't stand the air of awkward tension that filled Elizabeth's living room late that afternoon. It had been easier when she was kept busy with making lunch and then cleaning the guest room upstairs that Elizabeth had chosen for Jim…but once those tasks had been behind her, she had no choice but to return to the living room where her husband and mother-in-law had returned after eating. Elizabeth had kept conversation moving; not allowing silence to fall for more than a moment or two…which was somewhat odd for. Her mother-in-law wasn't a woman who needed constant chatter but today she seemed to…trying to mask her own nervousness…her own feeling of awkwardness. She couldn't help but think that Elizabeth was trying so very hard not to show any anger or feelings of betrayal…but once in awhile she caught a small glimpse of it in her eyes when she'd be studying her son. The old woman didn't want to feel those things…she just wanted to be glad to have her son returned to her but Johanna knew it was there, lurking beneath the surface and she couldn't help but wonder how long it would be before it erupted. It wouldn't be any time soon of course…but the moment would come, she was sure of it.

She sighed softly, looking around the room. Andrew and Gabby had arrived nearly two hours before and she had hoped it would help ease the tension but it hadn't…it had only added to it. Andrew had put Jim through rigorous questioning of his own, everything from requiring him to recite family birthdates down to making him tell him the story of how they got kicked out of the Boy Scouts as kids. Jim had passed the test and his brother warily accepted him...but a hint of suspicion still lingered in Andrew's eyes as he listened and watched intently to everything Jim said and did. Jim didn't seem to notice…or if he did, he didn't seem to care…he kept looking to her; his gaze searching and begging every time their eyes met.

Johanna brushed back a lock of her hair and glanced down at the carpet; she had tried giving her attention to Gabby but that hadn't helped things either. Gabby wasn't in a chatty mood; she was busy observing everything going on around her in between texts to friends. Elizabeth really didn't have any need of her that day…and she wanted to leave. Johanna knew all she had to do was get up and go but it didn't feel that simple. She didn't want to upset Elizabeth…and she didn't really want to hurt Jim's feelings…but she just couldn't stand it anymore. She needed space…she needed to be away from all of it.

"I'll order some dinner," Andrew stated; breaking through her thoughts. "What does everyone want?"

"Chinese," Gabby stated.

"No," Elizabeth declared; "I don't like that stinking food in my house and Johanna doesn't like it either and you all know it."

"I'm fine with pizza," Jim remarked.

"No," his mother said with a shake of her head. "We need something better than that for your first night home. Andrew, order fried chicken and all the sides everyone likes. We need to have Jimmy's favorite to welcome him home."

"Alright," Andrew replied before glancing to Johanna. "Jo, is there anything specific you want?"

She shook her head. "I don't want anything. I need to go."

"Go where?" Jim asked.

"I have things to do," she replied.

"Do them later," her husband stated. "You should stay and eat dinner…you didn't eat lunch."

"I'll make my own dinner later," Johanna said as she grabbed her purse. "I have things to do."

"At least stay for dinner," Elizabeth told her.

"Not tonight, Liz. It's Andrew's night and you have Jim here too…you should have some time with your sons. Call if you need me."

Elizabeth gave her a worried look. "You are going to come back, aren't you?"

She smiled. "Of course I am."

"Jo," Jim said; drawing her attention. "Just stay for dinner…is what you have to do something that can't wait?"

"It can wait but I'm going to go do it anyway. It's just…time for me to go," she said as she rose from her seat.

"Johanna," he sighed.

"She wants to go," Andrew stated; "I think she's had enough for one day. I'll walk you out, Jo."

Jim's jaw tightened. "I'll walk her out he said he rose from his spot on the sofa; his defenses rising.

"I always walk her out when we're here at the same time," Andrew replied. "I'll do it."

"She's my wife," Jim remarked. "I'll walk her to her car."

"I'm capable of walking to my car alone," Johanna replied. "I'm a big girl; I find my way to the car on my own at least twice a day."

"I'll walk you anyway," Andrew said. "I always do."

"If anyone's going to walk her out, it'll be me," Jim said firmly.

"I'm going to walk myself out," Johanna replied as she headed for the door.

"I'll go with you," Andrew stated, hurrying to follow.

Jim was about to follow as well but his mother grabbed his wrist. "Let her be, Jimmy," she said softly. "She's struggling."

"She's my wife; I should be the one walking her to her car."

Elizabeth glanced at him. "You're going to have to be patient…she's not ready."

Jim moved to the window and looked out; frowning as he watched his brother follow Johanna to the red car parked in front of the house. He loved his brother and was glad to see him…but apparently he needed a reminder about boundary lines.

"Jo," Andrew said, reaching out and grasping her elbow before she could unlock her car.

"What?" she asked.

"Are you okay?"

She gave him a wobbly smile. "As much as I can be. What about you?"

He shrugged. "I don't know…I mean I'm glad he's here...but…it feels weird, you know?"

"Oh yeah; I know…I feel like I've been living in the Twilight Zone since yesterday."

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked; his hand brushing her arm.

"Eventually," she murmured. "I don't want you to think I'm running out on you and Liz but I…I just have to go."

"I get it," he assured. "Go; take some time for yourself…try to relax…make sure you get something to eat. Everything will get figured out."

Johanna nodded and offered him a small smile. "I'll see you later."

He pulled her into a quick hug and kissed her cheek. "Hang in there, angel face; it'll be alright. If you need to be away from here for a few days, let me know and I'll come over with Mom on your days for awhile."

"No; I won't do that to Liz," she replied. "I'll be back tomorrow."

"Okay; but if you need anything; call me," Andrew told her.

"I will," Johanna promised before getting into her car. She needed to get away and yet she didn't really want to go home…so she slipped her phone from her purse and made a call to Jeff. She may as well go break the news to him.

At the front window where Jim stood staring out at the red car out front, his frown deepened; his brother definitely needed reminded about boundaries…because walking another man's wife to her car was one thing; hugging and kissing her on the cheek was another. Tonight wasn't the time for that discussion though; he didn't want to upset their mother…but they'd have to have that chat soon.

---

Jeff Campbell had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach and it had been there for the past thirty minutes ever since Johanna had called and asked if they could meet. Something was wrong, he could tell from the quiet tone of her voice when he had answered the phone. He had been wracking his brain ever since, trying to figure out what it could possibly be so that he could try to prepare…figure out what to do to help her because letting her down wasn't an option. He'd let her and Jim both down back in 99 when he hadn't seen the danger coming at his best friend. He hadn't seen it; he hadn't been able to do anything to stop it. He couldn't fail her again…after all, he had stood in that cemetery all those years ago and promised Jim that he'd look after Johanna and do everything in his power to make sure she was safe and cared for.

Jeff paced in front of the law firm, his eye searching the street for the familiar red car that she drove but so far it wasn't in sight. He raked a hand threw his hair; this whole day hadn't felt right…work had been a nightmare and then there was that call from Johanna. Something was off in the universe, he just didn't know what it was…but it worried him.

Finally a flash of red from down the street caught his eye and the knot in his stomach tightened as he watched her car approach, slipping into a parking space that had just been vacated. She made no move to get out of the car so he headed toward the driver's side as s he lowered the window. "What's going on, Sassy?" he asked quietly; noting the tight grip she had on the steering wheel.

"Not here," Johanna replied. "I need to talk to you but not here…we need to go somewhere else…I just haven't figured out where."

"What kind of place do you want?"

"I guess somewhere quiet and where we're not likely to run into anyone we know."

"How about the park?" he asked. "We can take a little walk on one of the paths; that should afford both quiet and privacy for whatever is on your mind."

Johanna nodded. "That sounds good…get in, I'll drive."

"Are you sure?" Jeff asked. "Maybe I should drive…you look a little upset."

She breathed deeply. "I am…but I drove this far just fine; I think I'll be able to go the rest of the way…but if you don't like my driving, you can follow in your car."

Jeff shook his head. "No, your driving is fine. I'm coming with you."

She managed a small weary smile that only made the knot in his stomach turn into a brick as he rounded the car and opened the passenger side door. Johanna grabbed her purse off the seat so that he could slide into it and once he was settled, she pulled back out into traffic.

Jeff was silent for a few minutes before he couldn't stand the tension anymore. "Did someone die, Jo?" he asked seriously.

She shook her head. "No."

"Is someone hurt?"

A soft scoff crossed her lips. "Oh yeah; but not in the way you mean."

"Did I do something wrong somewhere?" he asked.

"No, it's not you…it's just something I have to tell you although I'm not all that sure how…but I will."

"I don't mind saying that you've got me worried, Sassy."

"I feel somewhat worried myself," she admitted.

"Is Katie alright?"

"Yes; in the way that you mean…and I'm just going to go ahead and tell you that what I'm going to tell you when I find the words, she already knows."

"This doesn't sound good at all," he murmured.

"I guess it's all in how you look at it and at the moment I'm looking at both sides of it and finding myself unsure of how to look at anything right now."

"Did you get fired?"

Johanna scoffed. "No; but I didn't go to work today. I called in sick."

"But you're not sick?" he asked just to be sure that it wasn't one of those kind of discussions about losing yet another friend.

"No, I'm not sick. I promise it's nothing like that and I know I'm making this worse by not just blurting it out but…I just…I'm trying to find the right way."

Jeff nodded. "Okay, Jo; maybe when we're walking you'll be able to clear your head a little and sort it out…whatever it is, it'll be alright…I'll do whatever I can to help you with whatever it is."

She gave a small nod but she wasn't sure there was much that Jeff could do about her current predicament. They stayed quiet for the rest of the drive and even once they were on a path of the park that wasn't being used by others. "Jo," Jeff began to say.

"We'll get to it," she interrupted; "First I want you to do something for me."

"What?" he asked.

"The thing I have to tell you…I don't want Sharon to know yet. She's knows I'm not really sick and I want to avoid some of her nosy questions…so…I want you to take a picture and post it like you have been the last few times we've gone places…that way she'll think I had plans with you or something and she'll stay on that course instead of digging for the real reason. I want you to take the picture before I tell you what I have to say."

"Okay," Jeff said, his stomach still tight with tension as he fished his phone from his pocket. "Let's sit down on the bench for this one," he stated as he tugged her toward the wooden bench.

They sat down together and he draped an arm around her as they conjured up smiles for the photo he clicked. He opened his Facebook app and uploaded the image captioning it with the words 'Some days you just need a friend to make you feel better' and then he posted it, tagging her name in the post. "It's posted, Sassy."

"Good; that will take care of Sharon," she remarked as she raked a hand through her hair.

Jeff sighed deeply. "Johanna…how about you start with giving me a general idea of what this thing is about, maybe that will help you."

She looked down, her fingers toying with her wedding rings. "It's about Jim," she said softly.

"Jim? What about Jim? They're not letting that bastard go on some technicality, are they? Because I swear to God if they are, I'll shoot the son of a bitch myself to make sure you and Katie are safe from him."

Johanna shook her head. "No; he's done way too much to ever get out…too many bodies, too much fraud."

"They're not trying to smear his memory are they? Bracken's not trying to get out, is he?"

"No; it's nothing like that…it's…God, it's just…you're not going to believe me when I tell you but I swear that it's the truth…and Katie knows, so please don't think I'm crazy because she was there, she knows…"

"Knows what?" he asked; a feeling of panic sweeping over him. "Johanna, just tell me."

"Jim's alive," she blurted out with a sob. "He's alive."

Jeff stared at her incredulously for a moment before turning more fully toward her and grasping her arms gently. "Honey, are you sure you're okay? Because I know you've been thinking about Jim even more than usual lately and you probably saw someone who reminded you of him and it's got your mind off and running. Take off your sunglasses and look at me, okay."

Johanna pulled off her sunglasses. "I'm not losing my mind; I'm not making this up. He's alive…I got called down to the precinct yesterday afternoon by Katie's Captain… he was there, Jeff, I looked right at him…Katie was there too. This isn't me having some kind of psychotic break…it's the truth…he's at his mother's right now."

He blew out a breath; it seemed so unbelievable. "Okay, you got called to the precinct…and this man was there…are you really sure it's him…I mean are you one hundred percent positive?"

She nodded. "I questioned him…he told me things only he and I would know and last night I went to his hotel room and questioned him some more…it's him, Jeff. I was there this afternoon when he went to see Elizabeth and she had no doubts that it was her son. Katie has doubts because she's livid but it's him…it's him…and I don't feel the way I should right now and I hate it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

Jeff breathed deeply as he wrapped an arm around her and tucked her into his side. "Let's just start from the beginning okay, take a few breaths and tell me everything that happened at the precinct."

Johanna took a few steadying breaths and then set about telling Jeff the story she had been told at the precinct including the meeting with the agent who had been in charge of Jim's case. She continued on, telling him about her late night visit to Jim's hotel room and their awkward breakfast that morning…of seeing him again at Elizabeth's and how she felt like her whole world was off its axis. "I should be happy," she cried. "I should be with him…and yet I'm so…angry and hurt…and I feel like I don't even know him and I don't know what to do."

"That seems like a natural reaction to have," her friend assured as he gave her shoulder a soft squeeze; "What is it that you think you have to do right now, because I'm getting the feeling that there's something you think you're supposed to do right now and you can't…and that's what has you in knots."

She pulled away from him so that she could get to her feet and pace in front of the bench. "He wants to come home."

"If he's here in New York than he is home," Jeff replied.

"No; home…with me…in my house," Johanna stated. "He wants to come home and I…I just…I can't let him do that right now; I'm not ready…I feel like Katie's right…that we don't know who he is anymore. What if he's not the same? I'm not the same so he can't be the same either…and if I let him come home and it's not the same…" she said, trailing off as her voice cracked.

Jeff blew out a breath as he raked a hand through his hair. "Jo," he said gently; "You're not as different as you think…overall, you're still the same woman you've always been. You've had some bad times…you're a little more guarded…a little quieter, but you're still you…and I'm sure that Jim is still the same man we've always known at the core. I'm not going to judge what he did; I wish there could've been another way but I understand that he wanted to keep you and Katie safe…that he wanted to be able to come back to you; so I can't blame him for that and I know you're not asking me to…because I know despite your hurt and your anger, you don't blame him either. With that said, you shouldn't just rush into letting him come home today…it's too soon for you; you need time to adjust…you and Jim need time to get to know each other again so that he can prove to you that he is the man you know and love…so don't feel like you're wrong for not letting him come through the door today, okay?"

"But I know it hurt him," she cried; "And I don't like to think I hurt him…even though he's hurt me…but I just can't…I'm not ready."

"Of course you're not," Jeff replied; "It's barely been twenty-four hours. I'm sure that he does just want to come home and be with you…and I know that he's a man who gets impatient in a hurry when it comes to what he wants, especially when that thing is you…but he'll wait for you to be ready…you two have always waited for each other when needed. I know Jim…he always wants to fix things and he likes to do it in a hurry but he's going to have to be patient this time…both of you will be. Just start out slow…maybe meet him for lunch for awhile so it's in neutral territory until you feel more comfortable."

"I'm going to be seeing him more often than that…Elizabeth told him he could stay with her…he's going to be moving in there tomorrow," Johanna replied as she wiped away the tears on her cheeks.

"How do you feel about that seeing as how you take care of Elizabeth a good bit."

She shrugged. "It's her home…he's her son; she has every right to let him move in with her."

"Yeah; but…does that mean she won't want you there to help her?"

Johanna shook her head. "No; she still wants me there and I'll go because she needs me."

"But you're not going to feel all that comfortable, are you?"

"Probably not...but I'll get over it."

"How's Katie taking all of this?"

"She's livid; she doesn't want anything to do with him…and I can't even try to make her reconsider that stance right now because she's angry…and I don't want her to be angry with me. She doesn't even want me around him…which is why I didn't tell her that I went to see him last night. I had to lie to her this morning…"

Jeff's brow furrowed. "Why?"

"Because she went to the house this morning and I wasn't there…I ended up staying at the hotel," she confessed and then seeing Jeff's brow raise, she hurried to clear up any misconceptions. "Nothing happened!" she hissed. "He went to get us drinks and I fell asleep waiting for him."

Jeff raised a hand in surrender. "Hey, I wasn't going to judge you if something had happened; he's your husband…you're allowed to sleep with him…in fact I'm pretty sure the marriage Gods encourage it."

"Yeah, well, I didn't…and I don't want Katie thinking I did…she thinks I talked to him on the phone and I want to keep it that way."

"For how long?"

"Until she's a little less angry and done investigating him, because she is looking into him and his story despite there being an FBI Agent who told us the story."

"I'm not surprised," Jeff replied; "She wants to be sure…and if you want…I'll call Leo and have him dig around for your peace of mind."

For a moment she was torn between wanting to allow him to call Leo and feeling like she had no right to investigate him when Katie was already on that job. It would smack of distrust but she wasn't all that sure she could trust him again just yet. Part of her wanted to let him call Leo…but the part of her that loved her husband unconditionally didn't want to go down that road…not unless he gave her reason to do so. "No," she said with a shake of her head; "I don't feel it's necessary…not unless he'd give me reason."

Jeff nodded. "Okay; but if you change your mind…let me know, I'll make the call for you…you know Leo would turn over every stone possible."

"I know…I should've had him do that thirteen years ago. Why didn't I do that? Why didn't I ask him to look into things…to see if he could find something back then? Hell, he might've found him within months."

"Don't go thinking like that, Jo. It's probably better that you didn't ask Leo to take a run at it…it would've put all of you in danger."

"That could be true…and I wouldn't have wanted anything to happen to Leo…and I wouldn't have wanted to put Jim in more danger," she murmured as she leaned forward, her elbows resting on her thighs as she put her head in her hands.

Jeff rubbed her back soothingly. "It's going to be alright, Sassy," he said quietly.

"I don't know about that," she cried. "I feel like every time I start to get my life together, something comes along and upends it all. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy he's alive…it's just so hard to wrap my head around all of this."

"It's okay…you don't have to be reconciled about it in a matter of hours. How's Elizabeth doing?"

"She's happy…she's doing better with this than I am."

"It's different for mothers," her friend remarked. "You've been through hell, Jo; and knowing what you know now, you're feeling another slice of it and it's going to take time for you to be ready to accept him the way you want…because I know you…I know you've wanted him back for the past thirteen years and that once the pain and anger eases, you're going to want that second chance…and I want you to have it…but take the time you need. It's going to be okay."

"I hope so," she sniffed.

He continued to rub her back soothingly. "Have you ate today?"

"A few bites of breakfast that my husband insisted on buying me."

"No lunch?"

Johanna shook her head. "No, I made lunch for Elizabeth but I didn't want anything."

"What about dinner?"

Another shake of her head. "Andrew was ordering dinner and I took the opportunity to leave…I just couldn't be there any longer."

Jeff nodded. "Then let's go get you some dinner; you need to eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"Do it anyway," he replied; "Let's go to McDonald's; I'll get a cheeseburger and I know you like nuggets. You have to try…you don't want Katie to have reason to worry about you, do you?"

"No," she said as she wiped her tears; "She's got enough to worry about."

"Then come on," Jeff replied as he took her hand; "Let's go get you fed; we'll take our time and maybe it'll help you relax before you go home."

"I'll try," she said as she allowed him to tug her up from the bench; but she wasn't sure she'd be successful.

---

Jim was restless that evening after he finished making sure all of his belongings were packed and accounted for; he had a glass of whiskey at hand…his laptop open on the small table in hopes of finding distraction but it was hard to focus on even the small task of finding something to read or look at. It wasn't much of a surprise, he couldn't even lose himself in a TV show or the ballgame he had on in the background. His brain was full of its own noise; disappointments choking him like a vice as he reached for his glass and took a long sip. Even the burn of alcohol didn't help and he was desperate for something to help. He sighed deeply; none of this had gone as planned.

That last night in Virginia; he had imagined that by this time he'd be unpacked and settling in in his home…with his wife…that things might be a little awkward at first but they'd be together…that they would've shared a few meals together by now…that maybe he might have been making progress at earning her forgiveness and getting back on track. Instead he was here…still in this hotel room…bags packed so that he could move into his mother's house. Jim scoffed bitterly; yeah; that hadn't been in the plan at all. He was glad that his mother had been forgiving and accepting of him…grateful for her offer of allowing him to stay with her…but he wanted to be staying with his wife.

Jim blew out a breath; all of his hopes had been dashed; Katie didn't want anything to do with him. Johanna wasn't sure what to think or do but she was adamant that he wasn't crossing the threshold of their home anytime soon. Talking seemed to lead to fighting…it shouldn't have been a surprise; they had always been that way when they were at odds…they could tear into each other like no one else could…but it was the last thing he wanted. He'd much rather be making love to his wife than trading barbs with her. Another sigh crossed his lips; that was something else he had been looking forward to…reaching across the bed, drawing her close…tasting her kiss, drinking in the feel of her warm skin against his hands as he caressed every inch of her…falling back into the magic they always created every time they made love. His eyes closed, his hand tightening around his glass…she'd probably never allow him the privilege of making love to her again…and it was probably best if he quit thinking about it for the time being.

He took another long sip of his whiskey and forced his attention to his laptop; opening up his browser and looking through his bookmarks as he continued to think over the day. His brother had accepted him somewhat warily…his niece favoring him with curious looks. It was hard to think of having a niece who's life he hadn't gotten to be a part of from the beginning…but from the looks and sound of things, Johanna was well versed in Gabby's life; asking about soccer camp and other typical girl things. He frowned a little; it shouldn't bother him that his wife knew all about the girl; she was her aunt and she had always made it her business to make sure she knew the important things about each niece and nephew they had…but it had only shown him how far out of things he was. Johanna knew more about his mother and her health than he did…she knew his brother's schedule…knew the things that mattered to his niece. She had gone on as a fully functioning member of his family while he had been hidden away; losing years and contact…feeling like a stranger in his childhood home…being treated like a stranger by his wife…being shunned completely by his daughter.

He felt like he was stuck in some strange episode of the Twilight Zone…as if he was trapped between worlds; desperate to get back to the one he belonged in but finding his path blocked with no way of knowing how to clear away the obstacles. Jim sighed and clicked the bookmark for Johanna's Facebook page; wanting to see if she had added anything that might hint at what she was thinking. The page loaded and he noticed that her profile picture was no longer an old photo of the two of them; instead it had been replaced with a picture of her and Katie that he had seen before. A pang skittered across his heart; changing the picture felt like another way of lashing out at him although she didn't know that he was aware of her page.

He moved down the page, his eye catching on a new post that Jeff had tagged her in and he frowned as he looked at the new picture of his wife and his best friend sitting on a bench in a park. So that was where Johanna had hurried off to when she couldn't stand being in his presence any longer at his mother's. She had gone to meet Jeff. Anger and jealousy flared in his gut as he read the caption on the photo "Some days you just need a friend to make you feel better". Jim swallowed another sip of whiskey, feeling the fire in his veins; she'd let Jeff put his arm around her but wouldn't even let him hold her hand…he was her husband; he had more right to touch her than Jeff did. Maybe these little photo ops weren't as innocent as he tried to make himself believe…and if that was the case; he and Jeff wouldn't be restarting their friendship…instead he'd be telling him to stay the hell away from his wife because she wasn't available to be his next conquest…and if he didn't heed his warning, well, then his friend would have to meet his fist. He wouldn't like doing it but there was a line you didn't cross…and Jeff appeared to be dangerously close to that line. Apparently he'd have to have a chat with him and Andrew both on the topic of his wife.

Jim clicked the comments, wanting to see if there were any flirty comments between the two of them but he found instead a thread of comments between Sharon and Johanna. "You called in sick to work but went for a walk in the park? I knew you were faking." Johanna's reply came next and he read it eagerly. "I wasn't lying; I didn't feel well…but that doesn't mean I can't leave my house in the late afternoon to get some air in hopes of feeling better."

"And you needed Jeff with you while you did that?" Sharon had written back. "Makes it seem like you ditched work for a date."

"I didn't know that talking to someone automatically constituted a date," Johanna had retorted; "Besides, you're not my mother or my boss so don't worry about what I do and who I do it with. If I don't feel up to going to work, that's my business; why don't you mind your own for a change?"

"I'm not the one posting pictures of an outing on a day when I called in sick," Sharon remarked.

"No; but you are stupid enough to believe that I actually bought all the fake illnesses you've had over the years…especially when most of them conveniently land on Fridays," Johanna replied. "I've been on to your little games for years but I kept my mouth shut because you were my friend and you're a good secretary…when you actually settle down at the desk and do the job, that is," Johanna replied.

"What do you mean I was your friend; I thought I still was."

"Let's face it, Sharon; you stopped really being my friend a long time ago…you act like you're my mother or my babysitter, like I need someone to keep tabs on me and tell me what to do; well I don't. I'm very capable of taking care of myself."

"Someone does have to look after you," Sharon shot back; "If people treat you differently than they did before it's because of how you've acted since Jim died. You couldn't get over it and let it go and you still can't. Do you really think he'd like the person you've become over the past thirteen years?"

Jim's stomach knotted; he didn't like the accusation in Sharon's words because he took it to mean that she thought that Johanna had taken his loss too hard and that she should've moved on with her life in a matter of days. He recalled Johanna's annoyance that morning when Sharon had called her and even though he didn't know all the details; he felt like he could understand now why she seemed to be at odds with her friend. He moved to the next comment, needing to see Johanna's response to the words her friend had tossed at her.

"I'm sorry I didn't grieve in ways that you approved of," Johanna retorted; "I know you think I should seek your council and follow your word like the gospel in all aspects of life but you have no experience at losing a spouse so I really don't care what you think about how I handled it. As for Jim, I don't want to talk about him with you…and maybe he wouldn't like me now…but that would be his own damn fault for leaving me, now wouldn't it? When you walk in my shoes then you can judge me; until then, shut up."

His heart squeezed, the pain in her words washing over him…along with the knowledge that his leaving had changed her in some ways…and that she didn't hesitate to lay the blame at his doorstep where it belonged; but both women were wrong in one respect; no matter how she had changed, he still liked her…still loved her…still wanted her more than anything in this world.

"Maybe if you got some therapy and worked on your issues; people wouldn't have to judge you or make sure you're stable enough to function," Sharon shot back. "Go drown in a bottle of wine and dwell on your sob story that you cling to like a security blanket."

"Instead of harassing me, why don't you go ask Phil about his new twenty-two year old legal assistant that he's been taking to brunch several times a week for the past few months; that sounds like something that might need your attention more than how I live my life. As for me, I'm counting down to my retirement…because I'm going to be a much happier person once all of you are out of my business."

"Phil's not interested in that girl!" Sharon replied; "And as for your retirement, I'm still going to be your friend whether you're working or not."

"Maybe you will be, maybe you won't," Johanna remarked; "I'll be in the office at my usual time in the morning; I'd advise you to keep your mouth shut when you get there because I'm in no mood for your bullshit. Don't bother replying because I'm done with this."

Jim took another drink; if Sharon knew what was good for her, she'd keep her mouth shut at work tomorrow, he thought to himself as he moved to the next thread of comments; finding it was from Mark. "If you're going to call in sick to work, you probably shouldn't post pictures of your outing…or if you do, at least be smart enough to block your boss from seeing it."

"If you were as smart as you seem to think you are," Johanna replied; "You'd note that Jeff posted the picture and tagged me in it which is why it appears on my page; I didn't post it myself. I don't need your permission to leave my house just because I called in sick…did it ever occur to you that maybe I had gone out to the pharmacy or to the doctor…that maybe I took a walk hoping the fresh air would make me feel better? Do you think I believe you stay chained to a bed when you call in sick? It's none of your business how I treat my illness or how I spend my time off when I don't feel well. You may be my boss but you're not my father and you're not my husband so mind your own business."

"I'm starting to look forward to your retirement," Mark responded.

Jim's jaw tightened; what the hell was Johanna dealing with at work from these people? He didn't like how she was being treated by them…and while he saw Mark's point about the picture being on Facebook on a day she had called off work; she wasn't the one who had posted it and Jeff had probably done it without thought…but Johanna was right, calling in sick didn't mean she had to be bed ridden and absent from a social media page. Who the hell did they think they were to treat her the way they were? Anger flickered in his veins; he was going to have to have a talk with Mark about how he treated his wife. If they had a problem with Johanna's behavior, they should probably look at their role in it, Jim thought to himself; he was sure they had a hand in it since they seemed to police everything she did…and what was this mention of retirement? Johanna hadn't mentioned it…neither had his mother. Was she retiring soon?

"I look forward to my retirement every day," Johanna had replied to Mark. "I'm going to be much happier come September."

He hoped that was true; that she would be happier…and that he would be apart of that happiness and hopefully living at home with her by then…but September, when she apparently planned to retire, was still months away and he had a long road ahead of him…and success wasn't guaranteed. He looked at a few more comments but found no more arguing…Jeff hadn't came to her defense and he wasn't sure if he should be happy or angry about that. He still didn't like all of these pictures of the two of them together though. With that thought in mind, he picked up his phone, feeling a need to reach out to his wife since she had unwittingly given him her number when she had called him the night before. He didn't think she'd welcome a phone call so he tapped out a text instead. "Are you awake, Jo?"

Jim finished his drink and got up and poured another one while waiting for his phone to chime with a reply. Five minutes passed and he started to lose hope that she'd answer but finally a chime sounded and he flinched before grabbing the phone from the table.

"Considering it's only nine-thirty, yes, I'm awake. Is something wrong?" Johanna had written.

Everything was wrong, Jim thought to himself as he posed his next question. "Are you alone?" he asked; praying that she was…that she wasn't with his best friend.

"Yes; why?"

He panicked for a moment but quickly thought up an answer that wouldn't sound like he had been subtly asking if she had a man in the house. "I didn't want to get you in trouble with Katie in case she was there…or one of your friends because I'm sure you're not ready to explain things."

"Katie's with her boyfriend," Johanna replied. "I'm at home. I'm alone as usual. Did you need something?"

"Just you," he typed back, hitting send before he could talk himself out of it.

Silence wrapped around him as he held on to the phone, feeling his heart drop as each minute passed without a response. He counted off five minutes, anger and frustration filling him as he gave up hope of her responding. He sat his phone down on the table with a thud a second before it chimed, making his heart leap and his fingers fumbled with the task of picking the phone up again.

"I know you're mad at me for not letting you come home with me…but it's just not that easy, Jim."

He sighed deeply. "I'm not mad…and I know it's not that easy; I wish it could be but I know it's not…but knowing how things have to be doesn't mean I stop wanting you."

Two minutes passed before her next message appeared on his phone. "That's a feeling I know all too well…because I've wanted you for the past thirteen years and couldn't have you."

"I'm sorry, Johanna; you have to know I'd never leave you just for the hell of it. You know I love you; I've never stopped…I just hope you didn't stop loving me…because the only thing that got me through these years was hanging on to your love…to the hope of getting back home to you and Katie."

"Of course I didn't stop loving you…there are people who think I should have; that I should've just moved on and left you in the past; but I couldn't do that. I couldn't tell my heart to stop loving you when it's been doing it for so long that it's hard to remember a time when it didn't love you…and I didn't want it to stop."

"But what about now? Now that you know the truth?" he couldn't help but ask.

"If I couldn't stop loving you over the past thirteen years, then do you think I could turn off that feeling in the past twenty-four hours? I'm hurt and I'm angry…I'm unsure about a lot of things…but it doesn't mean I've stopped loving you."

"Can we get through this, Jo?" he asked in desperation; afraid to feel hopeful despite the confirmation of her feelings.

"Things are too raw right now to be thinking too far ahead," she answered. "I told you I need time…you have to give me time to get my head wrapped around this…to get used to the idea of you being alive. It's hard to believe after all this time, Jim; you have to give me time to get used to things…to work through things."

"Can't we do that together?"

"I'm not sure I know what you mean?"

"It means I want to see you…you're not going to get used to me again if you don't see me."

"I'll be seeing you at your mother's; you are still going to be staying with her, aren't you?"

"Yes…but I was hoping for something more."

"It's all that I can give right now, Jim. You have to give me time."

Jim blew out a breath; he hated to keep wasting time and yet he knew that if he said so it would make her angry. "I'll give you time…but I'm not giving up on you."

"I didn't ask you to give up."

"That's good because I'm not. You're still my girl, Johanna…you're always going to be mine."

"I never said I wouldn't be."

Jim hesitated for a moment but then composed the message that crossed his mind. "Tell all of your admirers that they have to find someone else; you're still taken and I'm not giving up my claim."

"I don't have any admirers."

"I'm sure that's not true…you've always had admirers, they just knew better than to get too close…but that might not be the case now…so you might want to tell them."

"There's no one to tell."

Jim wasn't so sure about that but he didn't think it was best to press the issue. "Are you going to work tomorrow?"

"Yes; I don't have much choice; why?"

"I just thought maybe we could have lunch…maybe you could get Katie to come too."

"Not tomorrow."

"Why not?"

"Because I have to try to stay focused at work and I won't be able to do that if I'm thinking about lunch meetings and trying to trick Katie into showing up and her rage when she gets there…because I would have to trick her and then she'd be pissed off at me and I just really don't feel up to all of that right now."

He forced himself not to allow his frustration to get the best of him although it threatened to swallow him whole. "Alright, sweetheart; some other time…I hope it's sometime soon though…I don't know how to reach Katie so if you talk to her, tell her I love her and that I'd like to see her."

"I'll tell her…but she's not going to give in easily…she's investigating you as we speak so if you have anything else I need to know; you should probably go ahead and confess because if she finds something, I'm going to be the first call she makes as she tracks you down to shoot you."

"That's a comforting thought," Jim typed back; "Every man dreams of the day his daughter comes to shoot him down."

"I'm just giving you the courtesy of knowing that she's investigating you…and I'm giving you the opportunity to tell me anything else that you may be hiding…because I'd rather hear it from you; not in an irate phone call from my daughter that will include the words 'I told you not to trust him'. So tell me now, Jim; is she going to find anything? Because she won't rest until she's checked everything she can check; from your driving record down to where you buy your lunch…so tell me now."

His wife was never one to sugar coat serious matters…truth was all she ever asked for and he tried not to chafe at the subtle accusation in her words as he ached at the knowledge that his daughter distrusted him so much that she was investigating him. He supposed he couldn't blame them…and at least Johanna was giving him the courtesy of knowing that he was being investigated…and the opportunity to confess any other misdeeds but he had nothing to offer. "There's nothing to find, Jo; I swear on my father's grave that there's nothing."

"I didn't mean to sound like I was accusing you of anything."

"I know, sweetheart; I understand. I guess if you're going to work tomorrow I better let you go so you can get ready for bed…unless you want me to come tuck you in, which I'm willing to do."

"I think I can tuck myself in but thanks anyway," Johanna replied.

"You want to come tuck me in, because I wouldn't mind if you wanted to do that."

"You're a big boy, you can tuck yourself in."

"It's not as much fun though."

"Goodnight, Jim."

He favored his phone with a sad smile as he typed back a reply. "Sweet dreams, sweetheart. I love you."

Jim laid the phone down after pressing send, knowing she wouldn't answer with any sentiments of her own. His heart still ached with longing but the contact with her helped settle his mind. He had a long road ahead but there was hope…at least he felt certain that there was at the moment since she had held a conversation with him that was void of any arguments.

---

Johanna stared at the screen of her phone; her eyes reading Jim's last message for the third time in a row. "Sweet dreams, sweetheart; I love you." Her heart thudded against her ribs, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip as she debated about whether to reply or not. She had already told him that she still loved him…so it wouldn't be a crime to type the words…would it? Or would it be an incentive for him to keep pushing before she was ready? She didn't know what to do and that feeling made her frustrated. She allowed the phone to slip from her fingers, landing with a soft thud on the mattress beside her. Why did this have to be so complicated?

She rolled onto her side, her fingers reaching out and catching hold of Jim's pillow, pulling it close to her with a deep sigh. If he only knew how much she wanted him to be in that spot beside her…because the ache she had carried all of these years was increased now that she had seen him again…now that she knew that he was still in this world with her. The longing was almost unbearable but she couldn't give just yet; she had meant it when she told him she needed time. She didn't want to rush into this and end up hurt again…because what if something happened…what if it wasn't the same between them? She didn't want to be hurt again; she'd had enough hurt to last a lifetime.

Johanna sighed deeply…everything hurt right now…and she hated the thought of having to go back to work in the morning. She'd have to put on a charade there for the day because she wasn't ready to tell them about this newest development or hear their unsolicited advice. She wished she could just quit and be done with the whole thing but she had to finish up her caseload…needed to start cleaning out her office. If she started now and did it slowly; she'd only have a few things to carry out on her last day and then she wouldn't have to go back. It was just too bad she had to go back in the morning…she didn't know how she was going to be able to concentrate; it wasn't going to be easy.

Her phone, startling her and making her heart leap as the image of Jim flicked through her mind but as she grabbed the phone, she saw her daughter's face on the screen, feeling a tinge of disappointment and then silently chastened herself for it as she answered the call. "Hello, Katie."

"Hey," her daughter replied quietly. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she sighed; "I'm okay. Are you?"

"I guess so," Kate replied. "So far the Agent checks out…at least as much as we can tell from my contacts and a contact Castle has."

"Rick has F.B.I. contacts?" Johanna asked.

"He's got a guy everywhere."

"Does he have one that can hack Sharon's Facebook page because I'd like to wipe her off the internet," Johanna remarked.

"I don't know but I can look into it," Kate stated; "I saw your little Facebook feud with her online tonight. What's with the picture of you and Jeff?"

"I asked him to post it so Sharon wouldn't ask too many questions about why I called in sick today. They'll think I called off because of a man…which is technically true but they don't have the right man."

"Do you really want to set up that mind set, Mom? They'll make you miserable."

"I'm already miserable; and it's the only thing I can think of to do for now because I'm not ready to tell them. You should prepare yourself for phone calls when I do tell them; they'll think I've lost my mind and want you to have me committed."

"I'll be sure to clear that up for you when those calls come in," Kate remarked. "Did you tell Jeff?"

"Yes; that's why I went to see him. I think he has a right to know his best friend is back in town."

"Yeah; well if your husband would decide to get a Facebook page, you might want to get rid of the pictures of you and Jeff before accepting any friends request from him…he might not like it."

"There's nothing wrong with those pictures; friends are allowed to take pictures together and I'd make sure your father knew the reason for them."

Kate breathed deeply. "I don't think you have to worry about it for now; I haven't found any Facebook page for his real name or his fake government issued name."

"Is that good or bad?"

"I don't know yet," her daughter replied. "I was kind of hoping for a Facebook page to see who he was friends with…see any pictures he had posted and things like that. Of course we have to take into account that if he had a page he might have deleted it before leaving Virginia to make sure we couldn't see any ties to his life there."

"Why would he do that?" Johanna asked.

"It might be something we wouldn't like…I mean would you want to be looking around on Facebook, stumble across his name and see a picture of him with some woman?"

Jealousy flickered in her veins. "The way you say that makes me wonder if you didn't find a page and a picture somewhere."

"I haven't," Kate said firmly; "It was a hypothetical statement. Ryan ran his credit history; it begins in 1999…"

"So the story checks out," Johanna remarked.

"Just because the credit history matches the dates doesn't mean the story is complete and checked out; as a lawyer you should know that."

"Katie," Johanna said, gentle warning coloring her voice; "Don't take that tone with me."

"What tone?"

"That tone you get where you're subtly accusing me of being stupid."

"I'm not accusing you of being stupid…I just said you should know."

"I do know."

"Okay," Kate said slowly; "Then you know I still have some investigating to do to make sure everything is on the up and up."

"Katie," she said gently; "You don't want to find something, do you?"

A pause filled the line before her daughter finally spoke. "I'm not sure how to take that."

"It's just that you've checked out the agent and found out he's who he claimed he was…and the credit history backs up your father's story…so some people would think that was proof enough…but you're still digging…and I'm trying to figure out if you're really trying to clear his name or if you're hoping to find something to use against him because you're hurt and angry."

"I'm doing it for us," Kate said sharply; "I'm doing it for you so you don't end up getting your heart broken again if he has some other skeletons in his rented closet. I don't want to find something as you imply…I just know I'm the one who has to do the digging and make sure everything is taken care of because it sure as hell won't be you. You're going to take him at face value and let him come crawling home so you can try to revive your fairy tale…well it's not that easy, Mom; and I'm not going to let you get hurt again if I can help it…so I'm going to search everything I can search to make sure he's not lying…to make sure he's safe for you to be around."

"Katie; I haven't let him come home. I told you earlier when I texted you that he's going to be staying with your grandmother. He does want to see you though…he asked me to tell you that he loves you."

"I don't want his messages and I don't care to see him right now," her daughter shot back.

"I know…and I didn't ask you to do this digging…you don't have to do it on my account. If I want him investigated I'll have Leo do it so that it isn't on your shoulders."

"I'd rather do it myself, no disrespect to Leo intended and I know you didn't ask me but I'm doing it anyway. I'll let you know if I find anything."

"And if you don't?"

"Then what you do with him is your choice," Kate said tartly.

"I meant in regard to you. If you find everything is as it should be…will you at least see him?'

"I can't make you any promises about that right now…are you sure he isn't there?"

"He's not here. He's at his hotel…and tomorrow he'll be moving to your grandmother's while I'm at work. You're free to come over and search the house though if it'll make you feel better."

"No; I believe you," Kate sighed. "I'm glad Grandma did okay with seeing him."

"Yeah…she's doing better than I am," Johanna replied; "Which only makes me feel worse."

"You don't need to feel bad about anything; you didn't do it. Are you sure you're ready to go back to work?"

"No; but I don't have much choice. I have meetings tomorrow…but I might flee the building once they're over. I can do my paper work at home and that's what I prefer. So don't be surprised if you get a call or message saying I left early…I'll do my best to let you know myself before they get to you…but if I can get out early, I am."

"I don't blame you," her daughter replied. "If they call I'll just tell them I already know and that they need to let you alone."

"That's not going to happen until I retire…if I had known this thing with your father was going to happen I would've quit last week and told Mark to finish my case load."

"It's probably better that you didn't…work will give you a little bit of distraction for now."

"You underestimate my mind and it's ability to not be distracted from whatever chaos is swirling in my brain," Johanna stated.

"Well at least you'll be able to say you tried," Kate told her. "I'll be glad to go back to work. I like being distracted by work for awhile."

"I know…but I also know that you're not always as distracted as you pretend to be."

"Can't get anything past you."

"No, you can't…you should quit trying," Johanna replied. "Where are you staying tonight?"

"With Castle…don't hesitate to call if you need me."

"I won't, sweetheart…and that goes both ways…if you just need to talk, call me, I don't care what time."

"I know," Kate murmured; "I'll keep it in mind."

"Good."

Her daughter breathed deeply. "I'll let you go so you can get to bed…stay home tonight; try to get some sleep."

"I promise," Johanna assured. "I love you."

"I love you too; goodnight."

"Goodnight," she said before ending the call and opening up the thread of texts that her husband had begun that night. She stared at his last message for a few more moments and then allowed herself to send a heart emoji in response…hoping it would say the words for her that she couldn't allow herself to say just yet.

Johanna laid the phone on the nightstand and focused her gaze on the TV; another long night was stretching out in front of her…and a long day was waiting for her at the end of it. Was it ever going to get better?