Hi Mom... (Parts 1-6 Combined), by Heroslayer
Parts 1-4 originally posted on November 11th, 2011
Parts 5 & 6 originally posted on January 18th, 2012
Shirou scowled at Arf. The dog familiar had broken one of his wooden swords in her last lunge and only Yuuno's quick reaction had prevented him from having his throat ripped out.
He could hear the sound of magical battle in the air as Nanoha and Fate attempted to blow the other girl out of the sky.
It was at the moment that Arf was about to jump at him again when he heard it.
It was a familiar sound that drove fear into the boy's heart. There wasn't many things that could cause Shirou to feel fear. Nanoha's mom banning him from the kitchen was one, the other was a bit more material.
Yuuno yelped as Shirou snatched him off the ground and placed him roughly on his head. The ferret changling had to hold onto the boy's rust colored hair as he ran away from the familiar. He was about to ask the boy what was wrong when he heard the frantic muttering.
"Oh god, she's here, she's here, she's here."
The ferret wondered if this was another odd earth thing or if it was just Shirou.
"Who's here?"
Shirou flinched at the question but shook his head as he ran faster towards Nanoha and Fate.
"No time to explain, we need to grab Nanoha and get-!"
The boy was cut off by the roar of an engine. The engine of a Mercedes SL300 that was growing louder by the second. Yuuno blinked as he realized the car must be getting closer. Odd, he thought his barrier would keep anyone from coming in.
It was then he noticed that Shirou had ducked behind a crate and was now looking around in a panic.
ROAR
The engine made one last loud noise that caught everyone's attention. Arf stopped in her pursuit of the familiar and odd servant boy, and Fate and Nanoha stopped attempting to befriend each other in the sky. The reason the latter stopped was for a different reason though. Arf stopped because of the noise. Fate and Nanoha stopped because a sedan hit the both of them.
They were both several dozens of feet in the sky, by the way.
"Nanoha!"
"Fate!"
Shirou ignored both familiars (Yuuno: Hey!) and sweatdropped at the sight of the car hitting both girls. He pressed his palm firmly into his face.
On one hand, he was happy that he hadn't been hit by the car this time, but he just knew that he was going to end up in an embarrassing situation after this. Maybe he would be on the wrong side of the onsen, or be forced to take a bath with some classmates (of the opposite gender no doubt) but it would be embarrassing none the less.
"Shirou-chan!"
A bone crushing hug enveloped the boy as he was facepalming. He gasped in both pain and surprise, but managed to wheeze out.
"Hi, mom..."
Irisviel von Eizenbern beamed at her adopted son.
"Mom, what are you doing here? Weren't you going to England with dad to save some stupid wizard that needs to grow up?" Shirou attempted to squirm out of the women's grip, but it was a pointless effort.
"No, I made that up after reading Harry Potter. Your father and I have been treasure hunting!"
"You...I...what?" Shirou stared as his adopted mother in confusion. You would think that he would have gotten used to her oddities by now, but no.
"Well, we came back because we heard the plot was starting and I wanted to make sure that I came here in time to give exposition and advice."
"Excuse me?" That had not come from Shirou, but Yuuno from a top his head.
"Well cliche talking animal mascot (Yuuno: Hey!), I am here to be both awesome and a fountain of useful wisdom, while Kiritsugu is to be a role model for Shriou. I have already done the former by running down two flying magical girls with this baby." She patted the hood of her car fondly. "Now its time for the obligatory fanservice advice scene!"
Shirou paled at those words and began to struggled to get out of his mother's grip, but he found himself tied up in some odd silver wires and strung up next to, the still knocked out, Nanoha and Fate.
Irisviel cheered as she threw the three children (making sure to sandwich Shirou in between the two girls, they just look so cute with him) into the trunk. She perched the cute magical mascot (Yuuno: I'm a mage damnit!) on her head before getting into the driver's seat.
"Onward!"
Shirou refused to open his eyes.
He wasn't really sure how he got in this situation...
No, wait, he knew exactly how he got here.
His mother had come back to town (by running over two flying magical girls with her car), and kidnapped all three of them for a trip to the onsen. She had done so by hogtying all three of them with this odd metal wire and thrown them into the trunk of her car. Some how he had ended up in between Fate and Nanoha. After a very dangerous car ride (the trunk kept shaking and Shirou was in between two cute girls), the trunk was opened and his mom hauled them out of the trunk.
The next few minutes were a blur, but he was pretty sure that he had been taken out of his clothing and thrown into the onsen considering the splash and hot water.
So, back to where we started. Shirou knew where he was. His mom had probably forgotten that he was a boy and didn't belong on the girls' side of the onsen and the two bodies next to him (he could feel their warmth) were probably Nanoha and Fate.
"Shirou-chan, wake up!" A swift chop to the head had disturbed Shirou's concentration and he looked up to see Nanoha wrapped in a towel with a worried expression on his face hovering over her. Behind her was a smiling Irisviel, and behind the both of them he could see a blushing Fate.
Blood swiftly rushed to his face and Shirou took the only route out of the situation. He fainted.
"Mou, that's no fun. I was hoping his nose would bleed or something. Then again, he's an eroge character not a harem character." Irisviel placed a finger on her cheek as she pondered the logistics of it. "Or would this count as a harem story?"
"Shirou!" Nanoha rushed over to the boy and quickly checked him for any injuries. Seeing nothing wrong with him, she started shaking him and yelling at him to wake up.
During this commotion, Fate tried to skulk away. She was so embarrassed that a boy had seen her half naked. She needed to get out of here now!
"Ah, ah, ah. No sneaking away!" A wire wrapped around the girl's ankle and tugged hard. She squeaked as her body took to the sky and crashed into the other two.
"Fate-chan!"
"Huh, what's goin- Ack!"
"Don't look!"
Needless to say, Fate's towel slipped during the crash and she brained Shirou with a hastily summoned Bardiche. The boy fell backwards from the hit and flailed his arms. Oddly enough, his right hand managed to snag something.
"Ah! Shirou, don't!"
Shirou groaned and looked at the object in his right hand. It was a towel. There was another towel that was half hanging off his neck. The boy paled as his brain started to do the math. Shirou would have looked up, but the two magical staffs slamming into his head had knocked him unconscious.
"Shirou, you pervert!"
Yuuno sweatdropped from his place on Irisviel's head. "You planned that, didn't you?"
Irisviel just tilted her head. "Now, what are you talking about familiar-san? I just didn't want Fate-chan to leave before I could talk with her."
Yuuno shook his head and looked away from the commotion that was happening as Nanoha and Fate tried to get their towels back, but slipped and fell on top of the half conscious Shirou.
He winced as Shirou was once again introduced to Raising Heart and Bardiche the hard way. "You Earthlings are all nuts."
It was a few days after what Shirou was now referring to the 'Onsen Incident' and he was happy to be back in school. Shirou wasn't really sure what his mother was in town for. The explanation didn't make any sense, talking about red rings, something about a bar (or was it gar, it was hard to remember because of the concussion Nanoha and Fate had given him), and him slowly becoming as awesome as his father.
Shirou just chalked it up to his mother, being well, his mother.
Now, when Irisviel came home that meant several things would happen.
The first is that someone would be hit by her Mercedes SL300. Luckily, it wasn't Shirou this time, but Fate and Nanoha.
Second, would be that Shirou would end up in an odd situation. The 'Onsen Incident' qualified perfectly.
Thirdly, Kiristugu would come back too and give Shirou a lesson in Magecraft. Shirou was fine with that. Sure it was agonizingly painful, but it would help with the race for the Jewel Seeds.
Lastly (there were more, but Shirou didn't want to think about them), was that Ilya would be home. Ilyasviel von Einzbern was Shirou's little sister. The adorable little girl would travel along with their parents while Shirou manned the house.
His mother had handed him Ilya this morning and told him to take her to school with him. When he asked about taking her to her own school, Irisviel laughed and said that he would never set up any flags like that.
Shirou wanted to ask why he was setting up flags and what Ilya had to do with it, but he just nodded and took his little sister with him.
Now he was starting to regret that decision.
"She's so Cute!"
Shirou wondered if Suzuka had some sort of demon heritage or was a Magus herself. The purple haired girl had thrown him to the other side of the roof to get him out of her way.
He got up slowly to see Nanoha, Suzuka and Alisa all cooing over Ilya and arguing over who could hold her.
Nanoha had managed to get ahold of Ilya (Alisa had a flashback when Nanoha glared at her and had to go to her happy place) and was squeezing the adorable white haired girl as tight as she could.
"Shirou, your sister is too cute." Shirou nodded weakly and wondered if Ilya was going to be okay. "I'm going to take her home with me."
Shirou blinked for a moment. "Excuse me?"
Nanoha nodded. "That's right, I'm going to be Ilya-chan's older sister. So she has to come home with me."
Shirou twitched. "No. No way, even if that made any sense at all. The maids would kill me if something had to Ilya."
"Mou, but I want to be Ilya-chan's older sister!" Nanoha whined.
"You could always become her sister in law." Alisa said dryly.
Shirou twitched as Nanoha's eyes met his. He sorely hoped that the odd spark in her eyes didn't mean what he thought it meant.
His hopes were ignored.
Nanoha released Ilya and gripped Shirou's hands. "Shirou, let's get married!"
"I'm not going to marry you so you can be Ilya's older sister!"
"But my father said that our family style has to stay in the family, remember." Nanoha was not going to take no for an answer. She would use all her resources to become Ilya-chan's older sister.
Shirou winced. Takamachi Shiro had mentioned that when he agreed to let Kyouya and Miyuki train him in their sword style. Shirou had hoped that the man was joking.
"But, I... shouldn't you ask Ilya?" Shirou asked weakly.
Nanoha spun around to Ilya and grasped the little's girl's hands. "Ilya-chan, wouldn't you want me to be your older sister?"
Ilyasviel took a moment to stare at the older brown girl before hugging her. "Nanoha-neechan..."
Shirou facepalmed as sparkles surround the two of them as they hugged.
"Heeheehee, just as planned."
"Dear, should you really be setting up our nine year old son with girls?"
Irisviel turned away from her binoculars to glare at her husband. Kiristugu was leaning against the wall of a stairwell and smoking leisurely as his wife spied on their children.
"It's never too soon to start match making. And Shirou is just too cute to let any girl have him. So it falls to me to only let the best girls have him." Irisviel scolded her apathetic husband. He was just as dense as Shirou was. He probably didn't even notice how many women she had to get rid of because of the way they looked at him. He was her property. She had made him get the tattoo to prove it.
"Don't you mean best girl?" Kiristugu raised an eyebrow as he stressed the singular word.
"Nope." Irisviel chirped happily. "That Nanoha girl is definitively in, but that Fate girl is just too cute to not have in our family. And just the other day I met this adorable girl in a wheelchair when I took a walk..."
Kiristugu shook his head and gave his wife a fond look. Life was never dull with her around. He took a moment to Reinforce his eyes and chuckled as Shirou was now running away from Nanoha with Ilya in his arms.
Shirou wasn't really sure where he was. The mind blowing pain may have been a part of that, but he was normally pretty coherent while in pain. Maybe it had to do with his first memory being in the middle of an inferno, or that he daily tortured himself in a ritual that really didn't make sense in terms of progress. Either way, he was pretty unsure of what had caused him to wake up to an unfamiliar ceiling.
He also wondered why he was worried about copyright infringement after thinking that.
"Ow…" He slowly sat up and rubbed his head.
This movement had not gone unnoticed.
Fate Testarosa in the middle of undressing for a shower stared in complete shock and horror as the boy woke up and stared at her blankly.
Now, a few factors had come into making this scene possible
The first was that Fate had kidnapped the boy after the Jewel Seed failed to come out during the sealing. It was either that or another fight with Takamachi Nanoha and she really didn't want to hurt her for reasons she was unsure of. The plan was to extract the Jewel Seed and drop the boy off in a park. Simple and nobody had to get hurt. The only snag was that the Jewel Seed wasn't coming out and all her sealing attempts had simply caused the boy pain.
She had stopped sometime in the night as her Magical Energy was starting to run low (or that was her excuse. She still had enough for a few more attempts, but hearing the boy scream in pain as she tried to seal the Jewel Seed was not a pleasant memory) and had laid the boy down in her bed.
Normally, someone like Shirou would be chained up, or thrown in a guest room or something, but was that the apartment didn't have any other bedrooms. Fate was the only occupant and Arf mostly liked to sleep in her beast form on the couch. So there wasn't really any other place for him. This was the second factor.
The next factor was that they didn't really expect the boy to wake up anytime soon. He had been through a lot. Mental and physical trauma from the Jewel Seed, magical trauma from being blasted by both Fate and Nanoha, and then more magical trauma as Fate tried to extract the Jewel Seed. Shirou for all intents and purposes should have been in a magical coma.
The final factor was that Fate was curious about Shirou. He was the first real boy that she had encountered (she blushed as she recalled the 'Onsen Incident') and she wanted to know more.
That, and well, Little Shirou is cute and Fate is a lonely child. She mentally made the hypothesis that sleeping with boys made nightmares go away and that's why people did it.
So while Shirou slept, Fate watched and cuddled the unconscious boy as she slept.
So the next morning, Fate had woken up early to start her search for the Jewel Seeds and research methods to pull the Jewel Seed out of the boy's body without killing him. Unfortunately for her, Shirou had woken up because of his habits just as she was getting ready for a shower.
Shirou stared at Fate for a moment before his brain processed everything. Blood rushed to his face and his mind went blank for a moment. He would have made an excuse or babbled an apology, but Bardiche once more was violently acquainted with his head.
The final thought that went through Shirou's head was, "Typical."
Well, that was one of them. The other was, "White, how ironic."
"Ugh…" Shirou looked up to see a weird futuristic room with floating monitors and stuff. "An unfamili-"
"Ah, ah, ah. We already made that joke Shirou-chan. No need to be redundant." The cheery comment that scarily made some sense to some part of Shirou made him freeze. He turned his head to the side to see his mother sitting on a chair and smiling brightly at him.
"Wha? Mom?" Shirou unintelligently muttered. "What're you doing here?"
Irisviel shook her head and scarily enough stopped smiling. Shirou's blood froze. That was not a good sign. It was either followed by blood and destruction, or even worse a nonsensical lecture. It was the later.
"Now Shirou, I'm ashamed of you. I understand that you're the Hero of the story and you want to be awesome. But you don't go grabbing reality warping artifacts of power and sealing them inside of yourself. We already had Ilya do that, so endangering yourself because you were jealous is no good." Irisviel glared down at her adopted son, who both curled into his hospital bed in fear before tilting his head in confusion.
"Uh… what?"
Iris blinked. "You didn't stick the Jewel Seed into your body because you were jealous that Ilya had the Holy Grail in hers?"
Shirou shook his head. "Ilya has something in her body?"
"Oops," Iris laughed nervously as she recalled that she had misread the situation. "I guess you didn't know that. You probably weren't supposed to learn that for a few more arcs. I guess I got a little mixed up."
Silence fell onto the medical ward for a moment as both mother and son stared at each other in awkward silence. Iris was the one to break it.
"Shirou-chan." Shirou winced at the hopeful tone in his mother's voice. "Could you please forget what mommy said for the next six or seven years?"
"I… sure." Shirou shook his head. He really wasn't sure of what was going on, but playing along would hopefully make things better.
"So..." Kiritsugu was watching his son get the snot kicked out of him by Chrono but he was honestly wondering where he had gotten those swords. He thought they looked like the ones from the Takamachi dojo, but Shirou wasn't one to steal. Still, he was pretty sure where the boy had gotten it. "New power?"
Irisviel paused in her cheering and nodded at her husband. "As the plot demands."
Kiritsugu nodded and let that go. He knew that Iris knew a lot more than she should. Things that mostly didn't make sense unless seen in hindsight, but he had been married to her for years and had grown accustom to the little quirk. He had started to see the way his wife saw things and could avoid the fall out of the chaos pretty well. It was a skill that he hadn't been able to teach Shirou just yet. Mainly because he was a pretty crappy teacher in retrospect, but mostly because Shirou was too reckless to learn the lesson.
His musings were cut short as Shirou countered a barrage of laser shots with an equal number of swords. The explosion had covered the arena room in smoke and Kiritsugu smirked as he saw his son's actions through Reinforced eyes. He had been a pretty crappy teacher when it came to Magecraft, but there was one lesson he had managed to teach Shirou pretty well.
Chrono scowled as he tried to see through the smoke. He would have simply surged his magic to clear the dust away, but he didn't want to give his position away to the boy that could match his speed in a Flash Move in case he opened himself up to a surprise attack.
The smoke cleared enough for the mage to see a figure through the smoke and he pointed his staff at Shirou. They had gotten a good read on the Shirou's skills, so it was time to stop messing around.
"Blaze Cannon."
The fiery bombardment spell cut through the smoke well and consumed the form rather well. Chrono let the blast wash over his opponent and hurl him into the opposite wall with enough force to knock him out for a good while. It was a little harsh, but he had to make sure that Shirou got the message that he was outmatched. It wouldn't do to have the boy go running into a Mage fight and getting himself killed.
Chrono was pretty sure of his victory, so when Shirou appeared under him in a swirl of smoke and attacked him at ninja speeds he was caught off guard. "Gotcha!"
THWACK!
Not exactly an elegant sound, but a homerun hit from a pair of short swords will do that to you. Shirou knew that the Barrier Jacket would nullify anything he really did, so he didn't have to worry about holding back. So he swung for the fences, several times.
"..." Lindy watched in complete shock as her son was doing a good impression of a pinball as Shirou knocked him around the room. A swing of his swords would launch him back only to be caught by the impossibly quick Shirou hitting him in another direction. "How?"
Everyone turned from the odd sight to see the thing that had been caught in Chrono's spell. A rather crude structure of swords that was shaped like a person was impeded in the wall.
Kiritsugu grinned viciously, "Simple. When faced with an opponent you can't beat head on, cheat."