You Saw this Coming

I know I mentioned in the previous chapter how thinking was nightmarish, but even before Montreal, the thoughts from before were their own brand of sickening. The longer I was in Canada, the more horrible those memories of home were in contrast with what I was going through. On the other hand, back in those days when I Thought things were bad, the thought of those soldiers out doing what I wasn't doing, was terrible in contrast with the image of Savannah and even feeling love. There really were a billion reasons I enlisted, and that overarching theme was still "Escape", but being stuck with an unfortunate mind, losing my father, and feeling that need to stand up in the face of conflict were big reasons. Then I'd see her again, feel love, and immediately hate myself for not having earned her in any way.

I've never been entirely healthy in my head.

May 16- Age 18- 2067

May 16th, 2067 was the graduation ceremony. The entire high school threw a big celebration for all the seniors where they read the names and handed out diplomas. Most of those people were going to go to college or starting jobs elsewhere, since anybody who was going to enlist generally already dropped out. I had my own plan that wasn't dissimilar to the common one.

All my friends were at the after party, and my mom came too. She was so proud, but she still didn't say a word for the entire celebration. Throughout the evening I couldn't find Brandon or Kevin, but Roger was there. It was sorta nice to see Roger since I'd spent most of high school focused on Savannah, and remaining friends with Brandon on the semi-frequent occasion. Seeing that goofy fucker there made me feel oddly strange. Roger just stood by the punch bowl and tried his absolute best to hit on girls, having developed some pseudo confidence since spending so much time with Kevin. That dorky old friend of mine was still the same guy I was friends with in middle school and freshman year, even after everything. Still trying to emulate that egotistical Kevin, even when he wasn't there, and still seeming overall content with the fact the world didn't much notice him. I know I hadn't talked much about my old friends, but there was something endearing or almost magical about that kind of guy who could remain in his way with his own nonsensical priorities despite a world that's changes affected almost everyone else.

Not sure why that was relevant. Maybe it was because that was the last time I saw or noticed a guy who I used to be close with before finally vanishing from the relevance of my life. Sorta sad how that tends to happen sometimes.

So, the celebration lasted almost until midnight, and then Savannah parted from her own family to walk home with my mom and I. When we got to my house, we showed mom inside, and I stood out front with Savannah for a while.

We talked and talked like we normally did, getting lost in each other's words, and other lubby dubby shit you don't care about. I'd known what Savannah's plans were for a long time, but that part of the conversation came again. I had no idea what I planned to do with my life even up to that point, and Savannah knew as much. We never avoided that topic about my end, but she knew I was rather lost. My 2067 almost started with the death of my father, and having to take care of a depressed mom while going to two jobs and keeping up with school was taking a toll on me she saw. I hadn't had the luxury to think about the future that year.

Fresh from the graduation of high school and caring about me so much, I remember her asking in her timid sweet way, "What's next, David?"

No idea. Out of consideration, she always had a way of making me talk with words expressing thoughts that were lost in my own buried subconscious. "Savannah… I am going to join the army."

Uttering my own words about my future path shocked even me, but I was too tired to think about why. Perhaps I was simply calm, in finally stating my destiny I didn't know I wanted. That was it though. That was why I had been so at peace. I didn't even consider the idea of being away from her; after all, she was there in the moment, and I finally spoken the solution to that vague idea in my head, "Escape."

Savannah didn't say anything at first. When I finally considered what I said, I expected her to burst out into tears and probably cry about her brother who was killed in the army two months prior. That never happened; I underestimated her yet again. She just wrapped her arms around me, and we held each other under the street lamps not saying anything for almost eternity.

I couldn't even think about what I said, how she responded, or anything irrelevant to her warm body holding mine in those long moments. Finally, she looked up into my eyes, and whispered, "I love you."

That, I thought about. I didn't know what to say to that at first. What we felt for each other was very strong, beautiful, powerful even. I had no way to ever describe what we shared whenever we were together, but the closest thing I could think of was "love." I said it to myself, "I love this girl." That's what this was, "Love." This wasn't some kind of teen moment, I loved her, I actually knew what love was when I was with her. I suppose I knew it from that first date, but that simple sentence was another one buried in my mind until only she could unlock it.

Looking at those wet eyes, I never knew why she cried all the time, but I think that passion in them was almost always ready to pour out. I finally leaned in, and whispered in her ear, "I love you."

Together we caught my mom before she went to bed, and told her what I was going to do, and her reaction was calm. She cried to herself nodding in simple understanding. Both women in my life had a way of simply understanding me in ways I couldn't comprehend. Mom knew what Dad meant to me and seemed to see much of his character and even sense of duty in me. Although, I again don't believe it was necessarily duty that made me want to serve my country. I'm sure that simple motive was one of those billion.

Later

After graduation, I spent the remainder of that week working. I was going to talk to the recruiters at the end of the week on the 21st. Uninterrupted by school, I was able to work a lot longer and get a little more money before quitting soon. It was in that time that I realized I was actually thinking about the future despite what I was doing. I still had most of the old burdens, but somehow found the thoughts to spare. I thought about enlisting all that time, but the more I thought, the more the reality set in. I was in conflict with myself. I came to the realization that I couldn't be separated from Savannah for more than a day, but the other part of me was being dragged into a new vague eagerness to involve myself in the national conflicts. Still unsure of my thoughts, I surmised that eagerness was the part I got from my dad. I remembered conversations where he told me how country was the most important thing because it affected the individual concerns such as family, religion, possessions, and freedoms. I recalled dad's stories of the service, and thought of his characteristics in the image of the propaganda posters lining the streets. Everything we held dear was only available to us because of our great nation and the amazing people who stand up to protect it. As true as that is, the thoughts like that tended to take over when my mind inevitably rolled around to "But what about Savannah?"

I had a great life with a great mom and incredible love. Maybe my motives were initiated by the wartime fear in the air that moved everyone like a force of nature. But like I said, my reasons were a billion, and largely still unknown to my conscious mind. Despite how great my life was, and despite all the tragedy, I was scared. Those thoughts of Savannah were always buried, so I'd find myself asking, "What am I scared of?" My brain of new goals and recollections of my dad answered that question in ways I'm not sure were real to me despite how real they were in truth. Everyone in the US had a giant weight on their shoulders called, "Communist China." This wasn't even mentioning the fact that we had only recently opened up a front against our neighbor to the north that wasn't going quite as smooth as initially planned. Either way, all the fear had a shadow that was overcome by bold print saying, "Every day I awake, and everything good in my life, was all because of those who perished on the cold Anchorage Line in 2066." I was destined for that, and fear disappeared when I knew of my upcoming role in the world would be realized soon.

The voices, regardless of how true they were in reality or my clouded mind were right. I saw images of soldiers marching down Penn. Ave. and saw the inspiration of people gloriously standing up in a world at war. Then I saw myself, my pathetic victimized self who lost his Dad and lost the soul of his Mom, then there she was, out of the blue. Still not aware of even leaving her, I still knew I didn't deserve her for one second, yet there she was night after night, so understanding and faithful. She always had more faith and confidence, and blind love for me that I never once had in myself, and I couldn't understand why. The pictures of her admiring my worthless being changed to images of those soldiers again, and those moments of self doubt were cast aside once more by seeing myself there; completely clouding the fear of not being with her.

Thinking, thinking, and even more thinking of thoughts about thoughts, regarding thoughts of thoughts, I only really waited until graduation because my dad always stressed how important even the minimum education was. I knew from his last letter that whatever I decided, he'd be proud, but I had to do the simple act of graduating high school for both him and myself. THAT'S WHY I STAYED IN SCHOOL! I realize that now! I bet Savannah held off on that future topic because she wanted me to make my dad proud! That makes sense, she's perfect. With the minimum educational achievement complete, the weight I felt was lifted, and that only led to destiny.

I spent too much time on my post graduation thoughts! Stop thinking so much, David. Haha, just like Kevin used to talk in 3rd person, remember him?

On that Friday after graduation, I finished up work and went home to Savannah who lived with us more than her own family by this point. I loved having her over. Mom mostly slept on the couch and still never spoke, plus my dad's death made her a lot more lacks with the household rules. Also, I was the man of the house, and I had just been freed of my dead end jobs. Also, also, I was going to enlist the very next day, so I had goals, direction, a plan for the future, the whole shebang. Needless to say, Savannah and I came home by 7pm, I kissed mommy goodnight, took my love upstairs, and fucked her pretty little mouth again. (Sorry that was vulgar.)

Savannah deserves better respect than that. She's so sweet. So classy too. She'll forgive me. There's no "Back" key on this thing I'm writing this on. Careful what you say, David. SHHH. I'm fine. Promise. I'm also done referring to myself in 3rd person.

So, that weekend, I went to the Army recruitment office over by the National Guard Depot in downtown. I waited in line for an interview with the recruiter for an entire hour. As I looked around, I saw people from all backgrounds. Most of them looked like me, fresh out of high school, but I didn't recognize any of them. My "Peers" sat there on the benches looking around with their short hair and clueless expressions. I knew what I was getting into from the MTP, so I was all business. I watched each person go into the room one by one until it was finally my turn. I walked into the office of a Sergeant Major Shaun Clark. He took a good look at me and said;

"You look like someone who knows how to handle himself. Look at that posture." (Clearly trying to butter me up)

I replied, "I already know a thing or two about the army, if that's what you're asking, Sergeant Major."

He said with a grin, "Let me guess. Straight out of high school and senior member of the MTP?"

I responded confidently, "Yes, Sergeant Major" and handed him my portfolio.

He looked over it briefly and then said, "Yep, just as I expected; fresh out of high school, and what do you know? You were in the MTP for all three years available..."

He paused for a minute and looked up before saying in a semi-sarcastic way, "Let me ask you one question; why do YOU want to join the Army?"

You already read about all my crazy thoughts that focused on one thing while always clouding another. Everything from my father dying to his sense of duty, to stress, to all that other stuff. You know my brain at that time was a propaganda reel in regard to service at that point, so it was no different in front of the unusually high ranked recruiter. No regard for Savannah who consumed every Other thought outside of these ones.

I told him what every other person who entered his office probably said, "I need to do my part in this war... I also need to provide for my family somehow."

He asked me what I wanted to do in the army, and all I said was "Wherever they need me." So, he put me down for infantry, telling me that there is always a need for more infantry.

He asked what front I preferred to serve in, and I immediately said "Alaska." There were other fronts? All the glory and best posters or news articles were about the Alaskan wilderness. I almost forgot that there was a Canadian Front that recently became a thing. I wasn't in a Marine recruiter, so I didn't have to worry about shipping out to Chinaland.

He marked Alaska down, but told me, "We will keep this open for the time being, so just know that this is not guaranteed. The army will most likely put you wherever they need you, like you said… But you seem flexible."

My mind didn't even consider the possibility of serving in Canada. But I remember thinking about it afterwards and concluding, "The Canadian front is probably heroic too, so what if I end up having to go there." and then considered a recent headline saying the assault on Toronto just started. That headline was just below one about Rangers in the Yukon, but I was sure after the first big victory in Canada, there'd be some good stuff about boys over there.

The next intro question came and that was, "Duration of service?"

I knew the options, after all, I was in the MTP through a lot of wartime America. No thinking, "Duration of War."

"Which War?" you ask? No idea.

In the end, he stamped my file "Approved." I spent 45 minutes signing a bunch of forms, and he concluded by saying, "Be at the DC International airport's bus bay on May 30th."

I went to the recruiter on the 21st, in case you forgot.

The US Army really needed people, and fast. So, they had people shipped out to Basic Training or Standard Wartime Infantry School (SWIS) within a week or so. It was after that when the ceremonial boulder of reality was dropped onto my head again. After that, I found myself asking questions I hadn't even considered in the week leading up to the meeting. I asked him for more time, but he said I could take it, leave it, or stop bye again in three months if I wanted to attend basic in the DC local recruit training facility.

Otherwise, he said he could ship me to another Basic Training facility, but it could be in a different state or coast. My mind raced with the narrow timeline, and I was on the verge of remembering something scary. Thank goodness that calming crazy brain won the moment over. Something seemed comforting about attending the "Local" recruit training facility.

With that thought, all thoughts were satisfactorily eliminated, I agreed, and signed the last form. The 30th was when the next group was headed to "Fort Bannister", an impromptu training facility 50 miles west of DC.

I went home feeling very strange, something was crying in my subconscious mind, but that was my subconscious mind. My present mind was just glad to be on a road to a glorious future. I consoled any white noise with thoughts of service. There was no more MEPS, they found out if you were "qualified" at Basic Training or the SWIS route with a quick medical screening and rigorous drills. Despite the craziness in my head, I still loved Savannah first and foremost, so I immediately called Savannah when I got home.

The next morning, I began my eight days of heaven. I spent all my time with Savannah, almost completely unaware of how soon I'd be leaving her. What's odd is that she didn't seem aware either. Time stopped when we were together, and I lost anything in my mind whenever I saw those eyes. Anyway, I spent a little time with Mom only when she would let me. She loved me dearly, but her emotions were all over the place. Mine were too, but I was too happy, in love, and full of purpose to remember my feelings.

Savannah and I went on long walks through the parks holding hands like we used to. She told me of her acceptance to medical school over in Annapolis Maryland. We talked about the moments we shared together and how much we meant to each other. I relived that first kiss, my latest kiss, and everything up to the first day she actually talked to me with her by my side.

No regard for my very close future, I cherished every second with Savannah. At night, she and I would go to the most expensive restaurants in all of DC, but ordered the cheapest stuff due to my meager savings after Mom and I's rent. Mom came out a few times, but when she did, she didn't eat a whole lot. Savannah spent every minute she could with me and violated her father's curfew more than once. She would get a "talking to" when she did that, but after explaining that I was leaving soon he turned a blind eye. Also, Lawrence Andres turned into a little more lenient person after learning of his son's death. There was something about death that makes people a little less caring of old values.

In that time, I spent some notable evenings with Savannah's family who I'd gotten to know very well in those years. Like I mentioned above, when I brought in Gary's flag, something changed in my love's father, and it wasn't just his leniency. Lawrence started admiring me and treated me like one of his own. He was never hostile before that, but usually made sure my hands were to myself when he'd come home from work. I got praises from the guy quite often, and he frequently commented on my "Gentlemanly" behavior. I really was a fucking gentleman to Savannah outside of what I accidentally put earlier in this chapter. I was so happy to have befriended the father of my love, and I knew that only added to her love of me. Like, even on that last day before I left, Lawrence gave me a long hug and told me, "Be safe David."

The nights with Savannah really were amazing and very romantic. She'd fall asleep in my arms at the house, and if she agreed to break curfew, like she'd done many nights, I'd carry her up to bed. We would wake up in the middle of the night together and make love only to pass out again in each other's arms. I held her tight after that, and kissed her gently, not really thinking about my fast approaching future. All I could think was how innocent my love was as she slept. All thoughts of her, even as the day drew closer.

I remember a few nights, I seriously considered proposing to her. I loved her a lot, and the thought of going to war was almost like a pretty dream. Despite how pretty that dream was, there was one really dark thought that hit me. I thought, "It's now or possibly never" more than once, but a few different thoughts kept me from asking the question: "I couldn't make her a widow if the worst happened" and "I couldn't be a good husband so far away. I can't leave her alone in the world if I die."

Long distance hardly ever works, even in marriages. I briefly considered telling her to move on when I leave for Basic, but even thinking that made me physically and violently ill. I felt like any other woman would have understood if I said that, but Savannah was different. She cried passionate tears when we kissed, and said "I Love You David" over and over again when we made love.

No, I knew her feelings. She carried that message in every motion she made and every word she said. She loved me more than anything in the world, and I loved her even more than that. Then, I myself would tear up knowing that I was going to war...

That was the only time I ever considered the idea of leaving her. But, as I constantly said, she had a way of completely capturing me. Her sleeping body nestled against me in the night was the very picture of innocence, beauty, happiness, and love. None of those were things I'd get to see for a long time.

Finally, my last free day had come, and I was still blissfully unaware of the reality so close. Savannah and I went to the DC Mall, the center of our great nation's power. The day was cool and only a slight breeze was whispering by. This breeze carried us to the Washington Monument.

The day was mostly a blur since I was almost constantly looking at her. Up we went into the top of the tower to overlook all of DC. I do remember the entire Capital looking calm and motionless from up there. As I pressed my forehead against the glass, I looked, but didn't quite see. The image was a foggy, no possible conception of negativity anywhere to be seen in all of America or the world, just feeling my arm around her waist, and thinking about nothing. I sometimes get tired of looking at things that aren't her, and when I did just then, she turned to me and smiled. I looked into her eyes on top of the city and through the face of her unparalleled beauty, I pictured her sleeping against me, and felt a strange and foreign sense of determination. The image that made me tear up the night before, suddenly made me "Ready." I again have no idea why, but the image of her innocence had somehow merged with the foggy picture of my "Proud future."

In that instant, I was ready; ready for my future, and ready… For war.

On the 30th of May, my time had come. I stood in line with 50 other men waiting to board the bus that would take us to "Fort Bannister." I knew what to expect so the only thing I had on me was my wallet. Some of the others were loaded up with bags and I couldn't help but think to myself, "What are they doing!?" Savannah and mom stood on the side watching me wait, and when my line started to move for the first time, she ran over to me.

She threw her arms around me and said through pouring tears, "You come back safe, okay?"

I kissed those lips so passionately and felt myself go on forever until the world stepped between us for the second time. A guy behind me gave a light push for me to move with the line, Savannah stepped back.

Savannah whispered, "Goodbye" but that was it.

Just as I saw those words leave her lips, I stepped through the doors, and one thought made my world begin the spiral downward.

I never said goodbye.

Stepping onto the bus, the doors closed, that ceremonial reality boulder fell once again, innocence left me, and humanity itself began to decay even further.