Chapter Fifteen: Love is Strange.

Once you get it,
You never want to quit.
After you've had it,
You're in an awful fix.

When Lorkin had been but a roguish youth (or at least more of a roguish youth than he was now, he hadn't exactly grown out of his boyhood yet), he had believed that he would be able to get whatever he wanted, as long as he worked hard enough for it. Making friends is simply a case of making yourself good company. Surely getting good grades is down to sheer will and determination. And, of course, girls are easily caught with charm and confidence. There was not anything, he had thought, you could not get if you put your mind to the task firmly enough.

But then, he had met Beriya.

Oh, Beriya, were her sweet voice and beautiful eyes. She had come along and removed him of such foolish notions, with a solitary syllable, spoken in that sweet, voice- "no". It had been a hard lesson, but a necessary one, and it had humbled Lorkin- which perhaps had been to his benefit, all things considered. As it turned out, being good company, determined, charming and confident is not enough to get you everything you want in life. Sometimes the roll of the dice will not be in your favour, and there's nothing you can do to prevent the outcome.

His mother had said something along those lines, though perhaps in a gentler tone, as he had hidden under the bed sheets in her rooms and refused to come out after Beriya had taken his young, unblemished heart and given it its first romantic bruising. You will survive, she had said softly to the tiny amount of his head that she was able to see, rubbing his back softly. We've survived worse, you and I. He had survived, of course, but he had not been the same after. None of us ever are, after we have learnt just how cruel and unfeeling life can be- for no apparent reason.

Since that time, Lorkin had been avoiding romance like it was a contagious illness. Do not mistake me, he had had his fun, like many young men his age- but long nights and illicit affairs do not in any way have to mean love- in fact, sometimes they require its complete absence in order to be at all satisfactory.

Love.

That word, the implications it now brought- it all seemed too big, too powerful, and too easy to lose. The greatest stories of true, genuine love Lorkin knew of were all over now, because they always seemed to become stories of survival. Surviving heartbreak, surviving loss. Love should not be something one had to survive… surely?It should be something to bathe in, to celebrate, to find glory and strength in. No, it was all too much to be thrust upon him.

It also felt like a huge responsibility. Could he ever have a love so great he would be willing to die for it? And when that love is gone, is it ever really gone? Does it every truly die? Love, he realised, is very strange. Its definition meant that beauty and cruelty were all wrapped up together in a symbiotic mess- to destroy one part was to destroy the whole.

He realised this all again now, almost like he hadn't thought about it hundreds of times before, as he quietly sat and watched Tyvara from afar. Those eyes, that smile, the way she walked, it was all like a book he had read before, and he did not like the ending. He just wanted someone to ask. But then he remembered that even if he was not being held against his will (which he very, very much was), there was no one in his life to ask. He loved Rothen dearly, but couldn't imagine having such a conversation with him. His friends were less interested in love and the bit that came before. He had no siblings. And the one person that every other only son would go to was…gone.

Why are you gone? Why?!

That left his mother. Lorkin had often wondered desperately what his mother's feelings were on so many aspects of love, her story would have made her opinions more informative than most, but had never been nearly brave enough to ask. He had sometimes watched her doing some everyday task- perhaps reading a book, writing a note, or speaking to another magician, and suddenly, out of the blue, felt a mad urge to ask her- do she still love him? Do you think about the fact that he had died, at least in part, for you? Do you wonder whether it was right to move on, and be happy with someone else? And if it is, does what happened with my father still mean anything?

Lorkin had had reason enough to want to ask such questions, as there had been three occasions in his life before he had graduated when a man had entered his mother's life. And each time, a disquiet had stolen over him like an unrelenting winter chill. He had never known the extent to which they had… courted, shall we say, and quite frankly he did not want to know. It did not really matter, to be perfectly honest. It was not the physical contact that perturbed him, even if the thought did make him cringe. It was not even a feeling of not being the most important thing to her- Lorkin had always known exactly where he stood with his mother. No, it was more the idea that… could you ever love again, when you had loved that deeply? Had been loved that deeply? And even if you could… should you?

And where does that leave me?

It should be said at this point that Sonea had always been careful- Lorkin had wisdom enough to know that- or at least now he did, looking back. She had never let any man cross paths with him, and she always put him first. She was a mother, first and foremost, that was obvious for anyone to see. If there were rumours, she was upfront and honest with him, knowing that he valued truth and frankness. He had always known, if he had asked her to, she would put an end to the relationship the very same day. Her loyalties were as immovable as iron.

But even when there weren't rumours going around the university dining hall, and there were no signs of a man slipping in and out of their rooms in the small hours, Lorkin always knew when something was going on, no matter how small that 'something' was, because Sonea would…oh, she was just different when she was being courted. She would smile more widely, laugh more loudly. The world around her seemed brighter and fuller, despite the darkness of her robes. And in the silence of his heart, Lorkin felt an odd sense of betrayal, both on behalf of himself and his father, as strange as that sounds.

He always had the decency to feel guilty about such feelings- he knew it was far from his place to have an opinion about what his mother chose to do with her own heart, but as well as that feeling of betrayal, Lorkin always felt a slight shiver of concern. He worried about what would happen if it didn't work out, and she was left broken as she once had been. He worried about what the rest of the Guild would say and do if they decided to make such a liaison official. He worried his mother would put the past behind her, forgetting any love she bore for the man who had slipped away. That he would become an interesting memory, and nothing more than that.

And if she can move on from him, he had lain awake in his room in the Novices' Quarters thinking, maybe she will move on from me. She puts me first now, but will that always be the case? What if she has more children? She is young enough- what would happen to me then?

The last time they had all been round this particular cycle… that last time had been different. Lorkin had been that bit older and that bit more aware. There had been more slamming doors and answering back than before. There had been more awkward silences, worried looks on his mother's face, and conversations with Rothen that Lorkin knew he wasn't supposed to know about, but of course he did. Sixteen year old boys know everything.

It wasn't long after the first hushed whispers had gone around that the rumour changed quite suddenly.

She's shown him the door- honestly, yet another one!

How many notches are on that particular bedpost now?

Apparently he 'just couldn't compare'. To be fair, there's a lot to live up to.

She should consider herself lucky to get anyone interested in her- she's damaged goods- that's what my mama says.

After that last time, his mother had never, to his knowledge, even entered another relationship. As far as he was aware, she hadn't even considered another one. Once Lorkin was studying in the university, she had the perfect excuse to step up the amount of work she was doing in the city, focus on being the best healer she could possibly be, and enjoy the freedom that being the parent of an adult brings. But it could have also been an opportunity to find a match- though as far as Lorkin could tell, she really didn't appear to be interested anymore. Perhaps the rumours, though terrible, were true- maybe no one else did compare.

No matter that he didn't know the full details, Lorkin always wondered whether it was his fault she was alone. Sometimes he wondered if she resented him for that, or if she was content. He just wanted her to be happy because oh, Lorkin loved his mother. He loved her so much. She had been everything to him, truly everything. But he knew it wasn't on him to dictate the terms of her happiness.

As I said before, it is true that Lorkin had never asked Sonea directly about romance. However, one time when he was ten and in a particular precocious mood, he had got close.

"Mama," he had said as she was putting him to bed, after reading him a story about a magician that had searched over the lands to find his one true love, "Do you think there is one person for everybody?"

She had looked almost amused. "Aren't you a little young to be worrying about such things?" But, good mother as she was, she had considered the question. She pursed her lips, then looked at him carefully. "The tricky thing is if I say yes, then that means I will have to believe I have had my one- and that seems like very sad sort of belief to have. Besides, if distance and timing had been different, perhaps I would never have…" she trailed off and frowned.

He had leaned forward, intrigued. "Never what?"

Sonea had seemed lost in her thoughts for a while, then shook her head, smiling softly. "Never mind."

"What, Mama?" He was really, really intrigued now.

"Never mind! Don't be so nosey. Time for bed." She had poked him playfully in the ribs and made him giggle, and the conversation had been lost.

Back in the present, Lorkin blinked as he realised that the group was starting to move on. Whistles were going up, and torches were being lit. He hauled himself to his feet and started to trudge alongside them. Really, to be thinking of romance at such a time was quite ridiculous. But then, up ahead, he saw Tyvara walking with some of the leaders of the group, her stride hitting its usual sensual gait, and the whole cycle of his thoughts started again.

Love is really, really strange.

Good people, I haven't forgotten you! Life has simply been busy- I have recently changed jobs and such, which has taken up a lot of my time. This isn't my best chapter, but I wanted to give you something. I hope you're all staying safe! See you back here soon, I promise xox