My eyesight blurred, but not because tears were welling up. Everything became fuzzy; then I saw nothing at all. My consciousness was floating through an empty space filled with a thick static. Throughout the inky space, my heartbeats pounded loudly, echoing in my ears, alongside fading was chaos in my head; I did not know where I was. How did I get here? Sadly, I didn't understand. My memory was blurred. The last thing I remembered was the thought of Remus when I was in Hogwarts. Then the whiteness. Blank. I know I forgot something. It is a roadblock of sorts, or perhaps a screen that reaches from the ground to the sky because I have a sense of it. So, I am aware that I forgot something, that there is something close yet hidden, yet I cannot at that moment fathom what it could be.
I was in a forest. I was in the forest I go usually jogging; I usually go here for the serenity that flows as cool river waters. There is something about the sparkle upon the trees, a melody without a rhythm, music without sound. Now I couldn't remember how I came here. Had I gone for a run? Was I asleep? I looked around. I was wearing my red robe for trip. My wand was in place. I had no scars, no bruises on myself. Nothing hurt, except for a slight headache. Was it morning or evening? Odd. I was still confused. I have to go home and rest.
I had not yet closed the front door of the house on Grimmauld Place behind me when I heard Sirius's anxious shout from the second floor.
"ASH! Is that you?" He had rushed through the stairwell door. When he saw me, his face relaxed for a moment, but suddenly he took on a serious expression. "Where have you been, young lady?! Disappearing for two days! Do you have any idea how worried Remus and I were? And you suddenly appear here straight through the front door with the most normal expression on your face?" His eyes glistened with emotion, pulling his eyes brows down, wilting like flowers in the autumn. His lips trembling as if he were to let out a sight - but he didn't.
"Two days? " I managed to whisper. The truth fell on me like a falling rock. At first, I didn't fully understand what had just Sirius tell me. It's hard to focus on the surroundings, my head was splitting and the only thing I want to do was vomit. I leaned against the wall to keep from falling, but my hands couldn't stand it and I felt myself slide down. Just as I thought I was going to fall to the floor, strong hands grabbed me from behind and lift me up.
Everything blended together, I smelled the well-known favorite aroma of chocolate and books. Remus tilted my head back, telling me to open my eyes and heard him curse. I heard a door opened as he lifted me to his side with my arm around his neck. It felt like I was walking in deep sand the way my feet sunk down into the carpet. It was probably my room. Remus bent down to scoop me up into his arms. My head dropped into the crook of his neck and I felt myself go limp in his arms. A myriad of thoughts ran through my mind that I couldn't control. I could feel Remus's arms holding me and remembered him kissing me, voice yelling and it sounded like my grandmother, someone crying… and a flashing green light.
I couldn't tell what was real anymore as I felt being laid down on something soft and the buttons being unbuttoned on my robe. My arms were weak and heavy as I tried to push the hands away.
"No… I don't want to," I muttered.
"Shhh, it's alright, Ash, I'm not going to hurt you," a soothing voice said.
Instantaneously, it morphed into a harsh unknown laugh, "Do it… You can kill…"
A dark blurred figure was in front of me.
"I don't want to do it…" I cried as strong arms held me to him.
"It's Remus, love. Remus. Shhhh…. You're here. It's a nightmare."
My shoulder and head screamed in pain. I struggled in someone's hold crying, "I don't want to die. Don't let me die… please."
The green light. The harsh laugh.
I shot up and took a deep breath as I was about to drown. A strong arm pulled me back down.
"You're alright. Breathe. You're safe. Just breathe. Sirius and I are here. Nobody is going to hurt you"
The fog cleared and I saw that I was in my room. It was just a horrible nightmare. I was in bed and safe. I turned my head and saw Remus sitting next to me. His face was worried and his eyes were anxious. Sirius stood directly against my bed with no less anxious expression.
I took a deep breath. My head was aching horribly as I tried to remember the missing two days. Remus stroked slightly my cheek and tucked some of my hair behind my ear.
"How are you? "He asked me in a gentle voice
"Better physically… I don't remember anything, Remus. I don't remember where I've been the last two days ... I was at Dumbledore, then it's a fog. When I try to remember something, my head hurts. What's happening to me? "
"Don't think about it now. The important thing is that you are alive and well. You are safe. I was terribly worried about you. I thought ... " He paused for a moment and swallowed, "... I accused myself of reacting too sharply in the last conversation and running away. I shouldn't have forced you to tell me anything. "
"No, don't blame yourself. You were right. I behaved terribly. You have to forgive me ... Both of you." - I felt tears welling up in my eyes, looking at the weary faces of my uncle and Remus.
"Shh, you're exhausted. You need to sleep. "
"I know it's silly ... But can you both stay with me? I don't trust myself anymore. "
"All right," Sirius said softly, then a small smile appeared on his face. "I've always wanted to sleep on this couch here," he nodded, pointing to the narrow one in front of my bed.
"I don't think there's a place for both of us on it " Remus joked as he lay on the bed next to me. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me on the head, leaving his chin on it.
It didn't take long, and before I knew it, I was fast asleep. This time, I didn't dream of anything. I felt myself waking only to find that in sleep, I had curled into Remus on my own. My head was resting on his shoulder, and my leg entwined with his. I felt his arm around my waist and hand that rested gently on my hip. I got up slightly and saw Sirius snoring softly on the couch. He slept on his back, his mouth slightly open and his hand dangling from one of the side. I felt guilty for making them stay with me. But at least I could rest. With their presence, they both gave me peace and security. I didn't know what was happening to me. The more I tried to remember, the more the pain in my head intensified. I shook it for a moment, hoping to banish the bad thoughts.
Carefully, trying not to wake them, I sat on the edge of the bed. My head was still spinning a little but it's bearable. Looking to the bathroom, I slowly shuffled my way across the room, swaying a bit but grateful I didn't faint or fall. I pressed my hand against the doorframe to steady myself. I wanted a shower only to let the hot water soothe my worries.
I saw my reflection in the mirror over the vanity and couldn't stop staring. Visually, I looked the same, but it was as if everything had changed. And I don't know what exactly.
I let my clothes fall to the floor and stepped into the marble and glass shower. I appraised the soap and shampoo. At the turn of the handle, the hot water and steam filled the bath. The water felt so good.
Tears mixed with the hot water streaming down my face and finally, I cried. What's happening to me? I rested my head against the marble and sank to the floor as the water poured over me. I didn't know how long I sobbed sitting there, but I knew I had to get up. I needed to pull myself together and figure out what to do now. Do I pretend that nothing happened? To forget that I forgot what happened in the last 2 days? It sounded crazy. Maybe I should have taken it step by step. I didn't have to worry Remus and Sirius anymore. A tiny thought popped into my mind - I was beginning to look like my own boss. My heart started beating fast. No. I need to gather my thoughts. One step at a time.
I put on clean clothes and went back to my room. Remus had woken up, got up from the bed, looking out the window. When he heard me, he turned to me with a worried expression.
"Do you feel better? "
"Yes. I'm sorry for the troubles I caused you."
"Don't worry," Sirius said, his eyes still closed but apparently awake. Then he stood up. "I don't want to bring the topic again if you don't want to, but will you tell us what happened? "
"Really I do not know. I try to remember and I can't. " I sighed. "I was at Dumbledore's, then nothing. I woke up in the woods where I was going to run. I don't remember how I got there. "
"Maybe there's a way to understand at least something you did during that time," Remus began, approaching. His gaze had cleared. "Give me your wand. Have you used it since you woke up in the woods?"
"No," I told him, beginning to understand what he meant. I handed it to him. He grabbed her gently and aimed his own at her.
"Prior Incantato!" He said softly. I heard Sirius shouted, horrified, as a soft green light and a ghostly misty figure appeared and disappeared erupted from the point where the two wands met, but it was a mere shadow of the real spell done by my wand. It looked as though it were made of thick gray smoke: the ghost of a spell. "Deletrius" – said Remus again then looked at me in shock.
Maybe my face was a reflection of his. It couldn't be. The Killing curse.