It was a week before the doctors finally signed Charlie off to going back to work at CalSci, but Don had made it another week before he allowed Charlie back at the FBI. Making sure his headaches were gone and he was back to normal.
Things started to return to the way they were. Charlie consulting back for them, like he used to. Like nothing happened.
Don couldn't stop thinking about what Charlie said, but had wanted to wait until he was better. Besides, he had needed time to gather his thoughts about how to confront Charlie.
He picked a night he knew his father was on a date to go to the house to see Charlie. Their caseload was low, and they just wrapped up another case so it was perfect.
Using his key, Don entered the house with a deep breath, preparing himself for what he was going to say.
"Hey Charlie? Chuck? You here."
"Why do you continue to call me Chuck?"
Don peered around the door, smiling as he watched Charlie laying on the sofa in the living to his left, setting a book down on his chest and trying to glare at Don.
Shutting the door Don shrugged; "It's fun." Then he walked over to Charlie; "What are you doing?"
"Oh just reading." Charlie murmured picking the book up and closing it as he sat up, setting it down on the table.
"Advanced Mathematics." Don read the cover as he walked over and frowned; "Hey why are you reading this? Don't you already know everything in it." He picked it up curiously and flipped open the cover seeing Charlie's name written inside.
"Yeah I read it in high school." Charlie replied yawning and stretching.
"And you're reading it again because...?"
Pausing Charlie eyed the book in Don's hand with a strange expression on his face; "I don't know. Just felt like it."
Don studied him for a moment, having a feeling it had something to do with his dreams.
"You know I'm surprised to see you're not working." Don hedged, eyeing him sideways.
"Yeah I was just taking a break."
"You? A break?" Don feigned shock.
Glaring, Charlie shook his head; "I can take a break, most of the time I just chose not to. But I guess if the last few weeks have taught me anything is that sleep and food are important."
"You didn't know that beforehand?"
Charlie stood up quickly and nodded at Don; "So you hungry? I guess dad's running late."
"Dad's got a date Charlie." Don reminded him following him towards the kitchen.
Stopping in the dining room, Charlie looked at Don confused before realisation hit; "Oh right yeah. The caterer. That seems pretty serious now." He grinned amused heading into the kitchen.
"Yeah he seems happy. It's nice."
"As long as he's happy." Charlie murmured, opening the fridge and perusing what they had. "Hey! Check it out. Want leftovers?" Charlie pulled out a tub and looked smugly at Don.
Don just eyed the tub and scrunched his face up; "Charlie. That's dad's leftover pasta. It's been there for 5 days."
"Oh." Charlie looked at it for a moment; "So no?"
"I'll tell you what. Pizza?" Don offered.
"You buying?" Charlie countered raising an eyebrow as he pulled out a couple of beers and handed one to Don.
"Your house."
"Oh so I have to provide the food." Charlie scoffed; "Is that why you come here almost every night. To sponge of your dear little brother."
Charlie meant it as a joke, but Don stilled for a moment.
Chuckling undeterred, Charlie just pulled out his phone dialling the pizza place; "Pepperoni right?" He asked as it rung, Don nodded blankly. Quickly sipping his beer to hide his fazed expression. Yeah they really needed to have this talk.
0o0o0o0o0oNumb3rs0o0o00oo0
"Don? Hey Don you ok?"
Don blinked from staring at the TV of the football game, not really watching it, to Charlie sitting beside him watching him.
They had talked about some random things whilst they ate the pizza, and then moved to watch the game. Don must have drifted for a moment.
"Hmm?"
"You seem a little distracted. You didn't even cheer when they scored. You alright?"
"Yeah sure." Don said on automatic. His reflex response, and then kicked himself for it; "You know what, actually no."
"Oh ok. Want to talk about it?"
Turning to him, Don sat up; "Yeah I do."
Surprised because Don never wanted to talk, Charlie quickly moved to turn off the TV sensing it was important; "Ok Don. What is it?"
Don paused looking down at the beer in his hands as he picked at the label; "Charlie are you happy? Working with me I mean."
Blinking, Charlie frowned and Don lifted his head to him.
Smiling Charlie shrugged; "Of course."
"Are you though?"
"What? What are you talking about? Where's this coming from Don?"
"What do you remember from when you were sick?"
"Erm I dunno. Bits and pieces I guess. I was pretty out of it. Why? Did something happen?"
"You...said some things."
"Ok." Charlie prompted, wondering where this was going. Judging by Don's face, it was pretty serious.
"When you were in the hospital you asked me if I liked working with you."
Charlie's eyes widened and he tilted his head curiously; "And what did you say?"
"That I did, that you were a great help."
"Ok great."
Don narrowed his eyes at Charlie making him shift self consciously; "You're not upset by that."
"By what?" Charlie sighed leaning forward; "Don you're not making sense."
"When I said that to you in hospital you seemed upset. And you asked me if I ever thought about where we would be if we hadn't started working together."
That got a reaction as Charlie's face changed and he looked away quickly; "Oh."
"Charlie. Why would you ask me that?"
"I dunno. You know I wasn't exactly in my right mind then." He chuckled nervously as he stood up gathering up the empty pizza boxes and shrugged; "It probably doesn't mean anything."
"Probably?"
"It doesn't Don." Charlie made a quick exit and Don knew that he had hit a nerve.
Following him into the kitchen, Don knew he had to push harder; "Charlie I know you think I hate you."
Charlie instantly stilled as he was putting the pizza boxes in the trash. He straightened up slowly turning to face Don with a horrified expression.
"What? Don that's crazy. Of course I don't think that."
"Really?" Don said dubiously; "You're sure? Because you know now would be the time to tell me."
"Look Don I don't know what you're talking about, and I really should be getting back to work." Charlie tried to leave again, heading towards his room.
But as he made his way through the kitchen, Don rushed after him.
"Charlie I know this is about mom."
Charlie stopped again closing his eyes and when he turned he looked sad; "Mom?"
Softening, Don held out a hand; "Come on Charlie sit down. I think we need to have a talk."
Relieved when Charlie sat down, Don headed to the kitchen to grab more beers. As he handed one to Charlie, Don sat at the head of the table facing him; "I'm not leaving until we talk Charlie. And I'm not going to let this go."
"Talk about what?"
"You pick Charlie." Don waved his hand; "We both know there is a lot of unresolved issues here, things that we silently agreed not to talk about. But I think we need to."
"Like mom?"
Don nodded.
"What did I say?" Charlie murmured twisting the bottle in his hand.
"You were having a nightmare. I was watching you, I tried to wake you but it took a while. You just kept calling my name saying that I left you. Then you kept apologising and saying I hated you." Don hesitated before adding softly; "Because you weren't there when mom died."
Instead of being shocked Charlie just nodded, clearly that wasn't just a delusional thing, but something Charlie had been thinking for a while.
"Charlie. Come on what's going on?"
"Well let's be honest Don, things haven't exactly been easy
between us."
"I know buddy. I hate that."
"Do you really?"
Don paused tilting his head; "Does this have something to do with you thinking I only come to about work? Because you know I hang out here a lot, have dinner with you, we talk about lots of stuff."
"Yeah that's true." Charlie paused looking into space for a moment; "But I mean mostly it's about work isn't it? I mean you stop by to talk about a case, and we end up talking about other things."
"Do you think I'm taking advantage of you Charlie?"
"No no it's not that." Charlie sighed running a hand over his face. He really didn't want to dredge all this up but he saw he had no choice; "It's just...Well it's all my fault."
"What is?"
"Everything." Charlie shrugged gesturing between them; "Why we were never close as kids, why we drifted apart, why you only come to me for cases."
"Charlie..." Don started, shaking his head not understanding; "What are you talking about?"
"This." Charlie gestured at his head with a sad expression; "Because I'm a genius. Maybe if I had been normal, maybe we would be closer."
"Normal? Charlie just because you're smart doesn't mean you're not normal."
"Yeah well it doesn't always feel like that." Charlie murmured dryly opening his beer and downing a load.
"You're going to have to spell this out for me buddy."
"I took away your childhood Don, took away mom."
"No Charlie!"
"When we were kids, we were close at first. Until mom and dad realised I was gifted. Then I had all these special tutors and got extra attention. And you got less. Then when I started the same school as you, we drifted further apart."
Don opened his mouth but Charlie held up a hand; "No Don it's ok. I know it wasn't easy being at the same school as your younger brother. But worse, mom and dad made you look out for me. You had to take care of me, and yourself. That wasn't fair Don. You had to grow up fast, and that's probably why you're like this."
"I didn't mind taking care of you Charlie, and what do you mean? Like what?" Don said defensively.
"Yes you did Don." Charlie scoffed; "Come on. You made it pretty clear back then how much you wanted to be as far away from me as possible. All I wanted was to hang out with you, but you wanted nothing to do with me. To hang out with your friends."
Shrugging Charlie looked down; "I mean I get it. You were a teenager, you wanted to do normal teenager things. Hang out with your friends, not your little brother. But Don high school sucked for me. Like really sucked. It was bad enough my own brother didn't want to be anywhere near me, but the whole school hated the fact that I was the youngest person there and smarter than them. It was torture Don, kids made my life hell, I had no friends and all I wanted was to be normal so my brother would hang out with me."
Don was left speechless; "You never said anything." He truly had no idea Charlie had it so bad. He always thought it was the contrary, that Charlie had it easy, being so smart and able to figure stuff out so quick. Now he felt even worse, he should have paid more attention.
"What was I going to say Don? Mom and dad already had you looking out for me, if they found out they'd make stand up for me and I didn't want that. I'd already ruined enough of your childhood. Besides, I didn't need you protecting me all the time, I still don't. And I don't want you sacrificing your needs for me. It's already clear how it's impacted you, you never let any one else take care of you, you never talk about your feelings and I just.. I know it's my fault."
"Charlie no it wasn't your fault. Look I know I wasn't the best brother back then." Don leant forward on the table; "The truth was yes, I was jealous of you, the attention you got from mom and dad, the fact that my little brother was so much smarter than me. It really sucked having to live in your little brother's shadow, being reminded every day that I was an idiot."
"You're not an idiot Don! Far from it." Charlie shouted earning a surprised look from Don. Then he smiled dryly at him knowing he was humouring him.
"Sure Chuck."
"No I'm serious Don. Being smart isn't about knowing the most things, or being able to solve maths quicker. You know so much more about the real world than I do, and you're an FBI agent!" Charlie said in exclamation like it was an amazing feat; "That requires real smarts and skills, tracking down bad guys, trying to outsmart them. Strategy, making connections. There's no way I could do what you do, I could never think that way, I don't get people, and I'm no where near as brave as you. I never could be."
Don was amazed, hearing such praise from Charlie. For some reason it meant a whole lot to him.
"Thanks Charlie." Don paused as he looked down at the table realising they had got off topic; "Anyway, I'm sorry Charlie. It was all my fault not yours. I never treated you right. I was envious of you and angry at you for being smarter than me, so I pushed you away. And well it just felt easier and easier to keep pushing you away. I am really really sorry. I'm the one responsible for us drifting apart. I chose a college far far away and never responded to your calls. It was my fault."
"But mom. I abandoned her, and you and dad." Charlie whispered looking fearfully at his bottle, too scared to face his brother; "You all needed me. And I just...I failed all of you. Because I got so wrapped up in some stupid math problem that I couldn't even solve. I wasn't even there when she died." Charlie's voice broke; "That haunts me every day. That I could never say goodbye. That I wasn't there for you and dad through it." He looked up at Don tears in his eyes.
And Don felt some kind of closure about all this. It was really starting to make sense now. He just wish Charlie didn't have to deal with all this alone, he shouldn't have had to face this burden. Poor Charlie.
Don sighed pushing his bottle away and leaning forward on the table to grasp Charlie's arm; "Look yes I was pissed at you for a long time, really pissed about what you did when mom was sick. I didn't get how you wouldn't see her and could see maths as more important. And the way she let it go, saying she understood just made it worse. But I'm not mad anymore." Don smiled at Charlie softly; "I think I get it now. I always thought it was just maths, I mean to me that's all it is. But I understand now it's so much more to you. Like you say math is in everything. So I get that it helped you understand the world, there was so much you couldn't control but maths was something you could control. And you and mom, you were so close. I was jealous of that relationship. Because she got you, and when she got sick it hit you the hardest because she was everything to you. And to face losing her, it was just too much for you. You knew you couldn't make her better, you couldn't control her illness, so you became obsessed with something you could control. Maths. It was how you cope. Just like how you fell back into it when you were worried about me getting shot. I get it Charlie. Seeing you sick, how much of a struggle it was for you. You didn't want to admit you were sick because you couldn't focus, couldn't think. You like to be in control, to find solutions, and when you can't, it's hard for you. It's ok Charlie. I get you know." Don gave him a sloppy grin; "And honestly, I am so glad I do. That I got to know you again. Or I guess I should say got to know you properly."
Don paused as he looked up for a moment a thought hitting him; "Do you remember when you were five? You used to have a lot of nightmares about monsters?"
Charlie's face morphed into bemusement and hesitation; "Yeah you used to check my room for me every night." He grinned; "I remember because at the time I just used to think how brave you were, and kind for not just humouring me like mom and dad. You made me feel safe."
"Yeah well I stopped as I got older because I was tired of doing it, but one night I found you in the bathtub. Hiding. There was a storm, and I know how much you hated those."
"I don't remember that." Charlie furrowed his brow.
"Well I went to pee and just found you sitting in the bathtub, in the dark, with a flashlight. You were terrified. I offered to get mom and dad but you said no, that you weren't a baby. So I offered to check your room for you, and you refused. Wanting to protect me." Don grinned remembering; "So I got you a book to read, and I got in the bathtub with you. You read that book all night before finally falling asleep on me. That's how mom and dad found us the next morning. After that, for some reason you never had another nightmare."
Don shook his head before adding; "But that's when it really hit me, that I hated seeing you scared or hurt, and I would do anything for you Charlie. You're my little brother, and you're everything to me. I love you buddy, and I don't ever want us to drift apart again. I am truly sorry for what's happened to us in the past, it still leaves a pit in my stomach to think about how mean I was to you, and how much I ignored you. I love working with you Charlie, I don't just come see you for your help with cases. In truth, yes I use the cases as an pretence to see you, but that's just because I guess I'm afraid to just come and admit I like hanging out with you."
"I...I had no idea." Charlie didn't know what else to say. His brain just shut down, overloaded with all this information.
"Yeah well.." Don sighed heavily, this was really difficult for him to admit. He didn't like talking about himself; "You're right about me. I've worked really hard to try and measure up to you Charlie. I knew I never could compete with your accomplishments but I tried. Becoming an FBI agent I supposed was the complete opposite of your work and maybe the closest I could get. It's silly really now I think about it, there's me trying to measure up to you, and you've been helping on my cases just to get me to like you. Because you thought I hated you."
"Well maybe not hated but..." Charlie trailed off shrugging feeling silly now.
"It's not easy for me to talk about my feelings Charlie." Don admitted reluctantly; "In this line of work, you see a lot of horrible, terrifying things. And you have to find a way to cope with it or it will eat you up inside. For me, I lock it all away and don't think about it. Maybe not the best way, but it works for me. I love working with you at the FBI, but I don't ever want you to be like that Charlie. To have to deal with what I do. I know you're not a kid anymore, and you don't need protecting, but as your brother I'll always protect you. It's just my job. So you're just going to have to accept that."
"I'll accept it if you accept that I'm going to protect you too." Charlie tried confidently; "It still terrifies me thinking of you getting shot at every day."
"Well not every day. But fine." Don corrected before refocusing; "But the point is, I need you to know how important you are to me. You and dad. You're the most important people in my life, and that's why I come here so much. It's nice to be able to have someone to come home too sometimes, especially after a rough day. And well my apartment just isn't the same. You're my brother Charlie, I love you and I truly admire and respect you, everything that you've done. All you've accomplished and achieved, I know you've worked hard for everything. And that's the truth."
Charlie just stared at Don for a moment, making Don gulp self consciously. There he'd laid it all out on the table. It was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, but he felt so much better for it. Like a weight had been lifted, and there were no more secrets between them.
He just hoped Charlie could move on from this.
Then Charlie smiled from ear to ear; "I love you too Don. Thank you for saying all that. It means a lot."
"Yeah well it should have been said a long time ago. There's been too much tension and bad blood between us in the past, in the future I want us to be better. So no more secrets, no more competitions or trying to get the other to like them. How about now we just try being brothers again?"
Charlie nodded; "I'd really like that."
Don stood up and sensing where this was going, Charlie stood up too. And Don hugged Charlie. Probably for the first time in over twenty years.
Charlie smiled, hugging him back. Feeling like a huge weight was lifted. He finally had the old Don back. His brother.
Sitting back down, smiling, Charlie lifted up his beer to Don silently.
Smiling back, Don clinked his beer to Charlie's feeling like the future now looked a whole lot brighter. As long as Don and Charlie had each other, they could face anything.