Chapter Thirteen: High

Eighteen months can be a long time, even for a Southern California beach. The natural stoop where they sat is no longer how they left it that day. Maybe it just happened with the storm the day before, or maybe who knows when. Who knows how many fucking tidal waves it took to change the contours of the beach.

It only took Jennifer Harding one of those tidal waves, and her name is Judy Hale.

"Can I say something weird?"

"Please"

"Thank you"

"For what?"

"I don't know. Just for coming into my life, I guess, like… some weird little pot fairy. And also just for not saying and doing the same stupid shit that everybody says and does that just makes you feel more alone than you already are, you know? And for not being repulsed by my version of grief."

"Thank you, for the same"

A strange vision comes into Judy's mind as they walk on the sand made hard by the storm that has just gone by. She sees herself there, sitting with Jen that night, thinks back to the torment of guilt and for a moment feels it again, as intense as it was then, when the blonde was speaking to her with an open heart. And she imagines her present self, visible and audible only to her herself, approaching and whispering in her ear "you will both suffer, a lot, you will both hurt each others, in an unspeakable way, but don't give up, because in the end it will be all right". She would never have believed her, she pushed back the tears of emotion with a couple of deep breaths, squeezed Jen's hand in hers and looked at her smiling, still in disbelief.

After a few steps hand in hand, they sit close together. They remain silent for a while, breathing in the salty air and smiling at the sight of two cormorants diving below the surface of the water and seeming to play together a few feet from the deserted shore.

Jen isn't agitated, at the thought of what she's about to say, she just doesn't know how the fuck to say it. Yeah, well, agitated no, but emotional yes, she's no longer so detached from her own feelings that she doesn't notice her heart pumping furiously to the point of rumbling in her fucking ears. She leans forward resting her elbows on her knees, watches Judy's hand in hers for a long moment and then turns to look at her. The light sea breeze tousles her hair, she has a look in her eyes that seems to want to tell her "here we go, it's time, come on, it's just me and you know we're in the same boat", she's so fucking beautiful!

"Are we really on the same page, Judy? Because I, well, fuck, I'm in love with you and… like, fucking in love… okay? Gross, isn't it?", she doesn't have time to process the stupidity of the last few words out of her mouth, because Judy warms her up with her calm, infectious laugh, places a hand on her cheek, her eyes fixed in hers.

"Jen, you know I'm in love with you too, right? So fucking much. Grossly. In love. With you", and as she speaks, she moves her entire torso closer to her, until she rests her forehead on hers and finally her lips, on hers.

And this kiss is different. It tastes of awareness, of the past, present and future, of the calm after the storm. Of a new beginning. It's a long, soft, chaste kiss that leaves them both breathless. They breathe each other's air, both still with their eyes closed, before pulling away to get a better look at each other and exchange a relaxed smile.

Jen draws Judy in, sitting her down in front of her and hugging her tightly from behind, placing her lips on her cheek for a moment and then covering it with her own, tenderly cradling their bodies together.

"Can I say something weird?"

"Please"

"I feel high even though we didn't smoke"

The two giggle together serenely.

"You know, I think it's been a while since my feelings for you changed. But we were so fucked up that they got so fucking buried that I never noticed, really. Did that happen to you too?", the blonde asks, eager to share their introspective experiences.

"Yeah, I guess you're absolutely right. Well, I may have had a few warnings about mine, but then the shit must have been hushed up out of necessity", Judy replies, trying to recall episodes in particular.

"Yeah, and then when everything calmed down, it came out on its own before we even realized it, fucking good thing! Knowing me, I think I would have freaked out in the moment. Or maybe not, who knows. I've experienced it so spontaneously since that night on the front porch. I don't know… I just accepted it and embraced it as the most natural thing that could happen between the two of us. Fucking beautiful and fucking inevitable"

"Yeah, maybe it really was, inevitable when you think about it. I mean... how many things could have torn us apart, ripped us from each other, forever? And yet... as tremendously wrong as they were, they brought us together. They allowed us to see each other, even at our worst. To keep functioning together even at our worst. And we're still here, at our best"

"And we fucking function well, together Jude!", Jen jokes barely flinching from her cheek to look into her eyes. "So, tell me a little about those warnings, will you?", she proposes still needing to confront her.

"Oh, well, let me think... There were times when... I don't know I felt almost on the verge of crossing a line, with you", she tells her trying to give an order to her memories. "That time when we were waiting for the result of the pregnancy test, for example, remember?", she observes the blonde nodding with a sweet smile.

"Right before the alarm on my phone went off", the other confirms her in an understanding voice.

"Fuck! Did you notice that?", Judy is amazed and a little embarrassed.

"I thought it was the emotion of the moment, you know, when you looked at me like that I thought, fuck, she wants to kiss me, what the fuck am I going to do if she kisses me?", she laughs at the memory. "And then I thought, I'll let her do it, I don't want to push her away in a moment like that"

"Thanks… it's nice to think you wouldn't have rejected me", Judy tells her, expressing her emotion at Jen's protective instinct. "I attributed it to the emotion of the moment too, thank goodness that alarm went off and brought me back down to earth, and consciousness to my guilt, you know", she feels Jen's hug growing tighter around her waist at that statement.

"Oh and then there was the night you found out that Daddy Bird was actually a Mommy! You hooked the nest in front of the outhouse door, remember?"

"Of course I remember, Jude. I ran to you that night, I just wanted to share that moment with you, but when I got close, you were inside, I saw you crying and I felt so guilty, for what I'd done to you...", sadness veils her eyes, but it's only a moment, Judy's warm palm on her cheek and her understanding gaze, as always, set things right.

"But I saw you, out there, hooking the nest. One of the things I've always loved about you is your maternal instincts, Jen. Maybe it's because I've always lacked it, all my life, from the people who should have been taking care of me, it's silly?" she asks fearfully.

"That's perfectly understandable, honey. And the same goes for me. How you've always acted towards our boys, that's one of the first things I loved about you", Jen reassures her by shaking her head and tightening her hug. "You know, in hindsight, I might have at least one episode too where, I don't know… under different circumstances", she reasons trying to bring order to what just came to her mind. Judy listens to her quietly, waiting for her to continue.

"The night we spent in the Antelope Valley… I mean… it was all so fucking messed up… I don't know if it's a thought that's coming to me just now or if it really was under different circumstances… however, I feel like I could have crossed the line that time, with you. Because when I asked you if you wanted to be my person, every fucking fiber in my body really meant it, you know? And when we went back in and I pushed you away, I didn't do it because I felt suffocated by you, really. But by my need to feel you close, which was wrestling with my guilt"

"Can I ask you a question, Jen?", Judy asks after a long moment of silence.

"Sure, sweetheart", the blonde looks at her expectantly.

"Are you scared? I mean..."

"That things would go wrong between us, and we might lose each other?", Jen helps her, because she's been thinking about it too, in the days before. She looks at her as she nods, fearful.

"Fuck no! And do you know why? We've made it through the worst of the worst, you and I, and we're still here, closer than ever. I don't think there could be a circumstance that would be able to separate us permanently, transform our relationship, maybe, but split us up, no way. I don't want to be afraid to give in to what's happening to us because it's the best thing that's happened to me, along with the birth of Charlie and Henry. Do you?", she finally asks, more intrigued than fearful of her answer.

"Fuck no!", Judy smiles and kisses her softly, relieved and even a little surprised by her serenity. Who knows, maybe the timing of the blossoming of their feelings was crucial for this incredible woman in front of her, whom she loves with all her being, to give in so easily.

"Judy…", Jen shifts position so she can get a good look at her face and clasps the hands she holds between hers. "You came into my life at perhaps the darkest time, and even under adverse circumstances, you brought only light. You are and will always be my best friend, but I am in love with you, so much that I never thought it was possible, and friendship is no longer enough for me if you feel the same. I want to share my life with you, in every way. I want this family that we so naturally built together. And when I say 'I want', I say it with the expectation that it will be for life, for better, for wor-"

"Jennifer Harding, you're not asking me to marry you, are you?"

-FUCK!-

She didn't fucking see this one coming! Jen scratches an eyebrow, completely caught off guard by the QUESTION. The sight of the brunette looking at her in amusement with a raised eyebrow causes her to let out a giggle somewhere between nervous and tender.

"Now, that I hadn't thought of yet, that is-"

"Jen-"

"I definitely see us in our future-"

"Jen I was teasing", Judy hastens to point out with a giggle, almost sorry for putting her on the spot.

"Oh… I mean-"

"Not that I wouldn't marry you on the spot, just to be clear", the brunette adds sincerely.

"Well, so would I!", another giggle escapes her, but this time it's more euphoric than anything else. "I'm not kidding!", she exclaims incredulously. "I mean, now that I think about it... fuck yeah, I'd marry you right now too in a second!", she kisses her first enthusiastically and then more tenderly.

"I can see myself marrying you someday", she whispers brushing the tip of her nose with his.

"Yeah, me too honey", Judy replies between her lips as she kisses her again.

"We really are that fucked up, huh?", Jen jokes.

"Always been so fucked up!", Judy replies proudly.

"Okay, Hale, enough talk about wedding shit! We still have to shop for groceries for tomorrow and bake at least two fucking cherry pies. Come on!", she spurs her on by getting up energetically. Too vigorously, so much so that a twinge in her ribs instantly dampens her enthusiasm.

"Ow!", she moans leaning against Judy.

"Hey, take it easy, you're getting old, Harding, make sure you don't forget!", the brunette jokes, hugging her.

"Fuck you", Jen smiles at her in looking for a tender kiss. "I love you Jude", she adds, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I love you too Jen", the two turn to look at the horizon bathed in the colors of the sunset for a few moments before walking away hand in hand.