Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin.
Chapter Thirty
It wasn't until after dinner that night that Arwen finally came for Merlin.
"I know you have many questions for me," she said. "Do you wish to speak alone, or would you like to bring your friends?"
Merlin felt a slight pang of guilt as he answered, "Alone, please." Arthur and Lancelot had both been nothing but supportive, and it felt wrong not to trust them to hear what the druid had to say. But no matter how supportive they may be, this was Merlin's life. And depending on what Arwen said, Merlin knew he might want some time to think it through before picking it apart with either of them.
Arthur looked at him questioningly as they slipped away, but Merlin just gave him a quick smile and then looked away before the king had a chance to ask where they were going. To his surprise, Arwen didn't lead him to a tent, but to the edge of the camp, removed from the people but still in sight of them.
"Tell me, Emrys," she said, her voice soft. "What do you wish to know?"
Merlin blinked at the broad question. In all the years of chasing after Arthur and trying to fulfill this destiny, he'd never been asked something so simple and so big. Could he really just ask anything?
He wanted to ask about the prophecy. He wanted to ask about magic. He wanted to ask about Albion. But somehow, he knew those questions would answer themselves in time.
"What am I?" he asked instead. That was, after all, why he was here. "You told Arthur that I was a creature of magic, that I was magic instead of merely having it. Kilgharrah says I'm human, but there was also something written about me – about Emrys – in a Deilen temple, and he said that was true, but I don't even know if I should believe it, because I don't know what prophecies are false and which ones are true. And there was this book that said I was a monster, and some say magically inherently corrupts those who have it…" he trailed off, realizing he was rambling. "I just want to understand what I am."
Arwen watched him thoughtfully. "What do you want to be, Emrys?" Then she paused. "Do you prefer Emrys or Merlin?"
He laughed. "You're the first person to ever bother asking. I prefer Merlin."
"Why?"
He considered that for a moment. "That's just…more who I am. I'm Emrys too, but that's…that's a heavy name to carry for everyday use. It's like Emrys is more what I do in service to destiny, or part of it at least, but Merlin is more who I am, if that makes sense. It's who I've always been."
"All right. So let me ask you this – what is Merlin?"
Merlin groaned, and Arwen raised an eyebrow. "You and the dragon," he complained. "I had kind of hoped you would be more forthcoming than he is."
Fortunately, Arwen laughed instead of looking offended. "I will answer any question you ask of me," she promised with an impish grin. "I'm just going to make you answer mine first."
Merlin sighed and thought. "Merlin is…just a person, I guess. Gaius's ward and assistant. Friend to…well, lots of people I suppose, like Gwen and the knights. A dragonlord. And a sorcerer, obviously."
"Anything else?"
His lips curled in a small smile, the answer obvious once it occurred to him. "A servant of the king."
"That's not Emrys?" she clarified. "That's Merlin?"
It might have been Emrys, once upon a time. Back when Kilgharrah first spoke to him of destiny, before he'd even heard the name Emrys. But that had been many years ago. It had been a long time since Merlin had served Arthur merely out of some perceived duty to destiny.
"Yes," he said firmly. "That's Merlin."
"All right. And what do you think Emrys is?"
Merlin's mouth tightened. "I don't know. That's why I'm here."
"Do you think you're a creature of magic?"
Merlin sighed, feeling an inexplicable pang of annoyance at Kilgharrah for all the times he'd been cryptic, even though the dragon wasn't even there. Probably because he was trying not to be annoyed at Arwen since she was the only one who might be able to answer his questions.
"Maybe," he answered. "I don't really know what it means to be a creature of magic."
"It means you are born of magic," she said simply. "Not simply that magic was used to bring about your birth, like the king, but that you were at least in part born out of magic. You have a human mother and father, Merlin, and the dragon told you the truth – you are human yourself. Fully, entirely human. But just as Arthur is human, he is also a king and also a warrior, and he is brave and truehearted. In the same way, you have more than just humanity in you as well."
Merlin frowned. "What does that mean?"
"You are the son of the earth and the sea and the sky. You are born of the magic of air and fire and water and earth. Magic is the very fabric of the world, Merlin. You were born of that magic. And you are that magic, the physical incarnation of the magic that has always existed, born into human form."
He leaned forward, resting his forehead on his knees. "You lost me," he groaned, his voice muffled. "What does that mean?"
Arwen chuckled. "What can you do with your magic?"
Merlin looked up again and shrugged. "I have no idea. I mean, I know some things, obviously. But I have no idea where the limits are."
"I'll tell you a secret then. The magic of the world is limitless, and you are magic. With time and practice and faith, I believe you'll find there's very little you can't do. But you must do it in accordance with your humanity; you must never be a creature of magic instead of human. I'm not sure you could be, any more than any other person could decide not to be human. But if you listen to certain lies, you might be persuaded to believe that your power is all that you are. I promise you, it is not."
Merlin looked across the clearing to where Arthur and Lancelot sat, once again surrounded by children. A group of girls seemed to be working together to grow and weave a garland of flowers into Arthur's hair, and Lancelot was laughing at him while Arthur looked entirely bemused.
"Every person is born into this world with power," Arwen said quietly, following his gaze. "Some hold great power and some hold only small amounts of power; some rule a kingdom, some coax the best out of other people, and some coax a flower from the ground. You, Merlin – and Emrys – carry the power of the magic of the world. But it is your choice what you do with it. You mentioned a book that said you were a monster; I admit, there's no doubt you could be, if that's the path you chose. You have the magic to make yourself into a literal monster, horns and fangs and all, or you could choose to reject your humanity and become a metaphorical monster, consumed with power. It is up to you. We all must choose what we will do with the power given us."
Merlin watched Arthur with the children and smiled. One day, this king would unite Albion. One day, he would return magic to the world. And even now, he was sowing those seeds of peace and reconciliation. Not forcing his reign with blood and a sword, but earning the love of people by truly seeing them and getting to know them. This was Arthur's power; to rule justly and mercifully and wisely. And, beyond that, to love his people more than himself.
"He's a good king," Merlin said, "and one day he'll be a great king. I've believed that for a long time. And not just because some prophecy said it."
"Yes," Arwen agreed. "He will be. I told you, I can feel the resonance between the prophecies and the world around me. I saw it in his character, when he protected a druid woman and child on the road, and when he protected a young boy who used magic. I see it in the way he has listened and learned, even since we last met. He is destined to be a great king because he has the character and integrity that makes a great king. The prophecy exists because of who Emrys and the Once and Future King are, and because of the paths they will choose to walk; you do not walk those paths because the prophecy exists."
"But what about things beyond my control? What if…" Merlin swallowed. "What if my magic corrupts me over time?"
She looked at him curiously. "Why would your magic corrupt you?"
Merlin felt embarrassed saying it, but he couldn't walk away from this conversation like he had the one with Kilgharrah, with this question still lingering in the back of his mind.
"Some believe that magic always corrupts. And I have so much of it…even if it only sometimes corrupts, wouldn't it be likely to corrupt me?"
"You are not a being who happens to have magic flowing through you, Merlin. You are magic. Whatever corruption magic is capable of bringing, it is already inherent in you. Do you believe you are evil?"
He shook his head. "No. I have moments when…when I feel evil inside of me. But I don't think I am evil."
"That's not your magic," she said softly. "That's your humanity. We all have the capacity for evil, and we all must fight against it. And it is true that power can make the battle more difficult. Power, not magic, has the potential to corrupt, if you forget who you are. If you forget your purpose. But power is a tool you wield, just as much as it is a force that acts upon you. You must decide how to wield it."
"So I choose my own path?"
She smiled at him. "We all do."
Merlin nodded, still watching the knights. The girls were making something for Lancelot now – from this angle, Merlin couldn't quite tell if it was another garland or something else – and Arthur had turned his attention to two boys who appeared to be telling him a story. They were calling sparks from the fire to make shapes to act out the tale, and Merlin smiled as he recognized one of his own favorite tricks. Then, as he watched, Bryn approached Arthur. The two men exchanged a couple of sentences, and then Bryn hesitantly sat beside him, leaving as much space between them as the log would allow. Even from a distance, Merlin could see the awkwardness and uneasiness as they spoke. But the important thing, he thought with pride, was that they were speaking at all.
"I choose to be a servant of the Once and Future King," he said. "I am magic, and I choose to use that power to help Arthur be the best king he can be, for the good of the people of Albion."
"Then that is what you are, Merlin, and that is what Emrys is. And as one of those people," she added lightly, "I thank you for that choice."
AN: I've mentally referred to this the "What have I done?" chapter while writing, because this was the point where I realized I'd spent an entire story laying the groundwork about Merlin understanding exactly what he is, and now I had to somehow figure out and explain the answer to that question. I was not pleased with myself at that discovery, and much of the rewriting effort I put into this story went into this chapter. Hopefully the result was adequate.
I did spend about two minutes trying to work in the immortality thing before I got fed up with it. Out of all the things I don't like about the ending of the show – and there are a lot – that's near the top of the list. I know it was foreshadowed, but for Merlin, who is driven by his love for people and his sense of purpose, to have to exist for centuries without those people and without a purpose…I can imagine nothing more cruel to do to that character. So no immortality here. Because this is fanfic, and I can do that. :P