"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."
― Ernest Hemingway

Now

Emily took a seat opposite of the FBI-psychologist, she had to pull the hem of her black slacks up slightly even though she was wearing a belt. She had lost a lot of weight after her abduction and she was struggling to gain it back.

''I'm Eliza Mason'' the woman opposite of Emily said, it was a sixty something woman awfully close to her retirement. ''You can call me Eliza, or Dr. Mason. Whichever you prefer'' the psychologist explained as she opened her file.

''I've received your file from your supervisor: Agent Hotchner. But I'd like to take today to grant you the opportunity to tell me your experiences and your take on what happened. We can use these 10 weeks to try and work through it and ease you back into the workplace'' Eliza explained, ''We'll see each other twice a week, in four weeks I need to make an assessment to see if you're fit to return to the field. If I decide you're unfit, your mandatory leave and mandatory therapy will be extended indefinitely'' Eliza added.

''What? That's ridiculous'' Emily exclaimed frustrated, afraid she wouldn't be able to fool Eliza into thinking she was fine. ''Why do you say that?'' Eliza asked gently, her eyebrow arched as she held her pen up, eager to take note of what Emily was going to say.

''It's just ridiculous that I don't have a say in when I can return'' Emily pointed out, ''That's for everyone's safety. We can't send an unfit agent back into the field'' Eliza sharply replied. ''Are you implying I'm unfit?'' Emily snapped back.

''Not at all Agent- can I call you Emily?'' Eliza asked, Emily merely shrugged. ''Okay Emily, I'm not implying your unfit. You've been through something horrible and we need to make sure It would be wise to send you back. Some agents need more time to become themselves again'' Eliza explained.

''I won't'' Emily dryly shrugged, ''what makes you so sure?'' Eliza asked as she smiled lightly, having heard that statement from almost every agent that has ever come through her office. ''I compartmentalize. I deal in my own way. I don't deal by talking'' Emily shrugged.

''Then how do you deal?'' Eliza inquired, ''putting things in a box in your head without looking back at it is not dealing with it. One day that box will burst open and it would be very hard to pick everything back up that's exploded out of the box''.

''Good thing my box isn't going to explode, it's taped shut'' Emily said, ''tape breaks'' Eliza pointed out. ''Jesus are you going to take everything I say so damned literally'' Emily sighed frustrated, ''You don't like therapy much huh?'' Eliza pointed out, as she wrote something down on the piece of paper in front of her.

''Very observant of you'' Emily dryly replied, ''what don't you like about therapy?'' Eliza asked curiously. ''Your tedious questions for instance'' Emily shrugged, ''the digging up things that have been buried a long time ago, or maybe the way everything should make you feel something even though sometimes you don't feel something but in therapy it's mandatory to feel something''.

''Not feeling something is something as well'' Eliza pointed out, ''what the fuck does that even mean'' Emily snapped, annoyance getting the better of her. Eliza looked surprised ''it means that when something big in your life doesn't spark any feeling, it could mean something''.

''That doesn't make any sense'' Emily sighed, she was getting a headache sp she massaged her fingers over the yellow-ish bruise on her forehead. ''It takes a while for it to make sense'' Eliza nodded as she wrote something else down.

''Would you want to tell me about what happened?'' Eliza asked. Emily's instinct was to respond with no, but she knew in order to get back to work she would have to co-operate.

''I- sure'' she eventually shrugged.

''I was abducted by an old unsub'' Emily said as she tried her best to distance herself from the words she was saying so that they wouldn't be able to hurt her, ''I was kept in a cellar for almost two weeks. It was a very cold cellar'' Emily said as goosebumps crawled up her skin.

''Very cold'' she repeated again, ''the unsub sometimes brought me a sandwich, or some water. He wanted me alive because he got off on seeing me weaken'' Emily continued, it was getting harder to distance herself.

''He hit me sometimes, but bruises fade'' Emily said as she chuckled uncomfortably, ''It's been a little over a week now since they found me'' Emily continued, '' and I'm doing as well as could be expected''.

''As well as could be expected you say?'' Eliza asked, ''what does that mean for you?''. Emily shrugged her shoulders again ''I guess I'm eating, I'm having some nightmares, but I do sleep. My bruises are healing''.

''You sound awfully uncertain about these things. You guess you're eating, or you know you're eating? And you're sleeping? How much? How often are these nightmares?'' Eliza asked as she fired back her questions.

''Fine. I know I'm eating. JJ comes by to bring me food every few days'' Emily said, but she stopped in her tracks when she mentioned JJ. Would she still be bringing her food? She had no idea what she and JJ were at this point.

''JJ? That's Agent Jareau, correct?'' Eliza asked for clarification, ''Yep, that's her'' Emily agreed. ''And you two are close?'' Eliza inquired, her eyebrow arched. ''You could say that yes'' Emily said, in lack of better wording.

''You're friends?'' Eliza asked, ''Yes'' Emily said because even though they were working through their stuff Emily needed them to be friends ''She's my best friend''.

Emily left the office 15 minutes later, she hurried to the elevator and to her car because as much as she loved her team she didn't want to see them just yet. She started the engine of her car once she reached it and drove to her apartment.

She got out and made her way into her house, she dropped her car keys on the table next to the front door before locking all the locks on her front door behind her. She pulled the gun out of its holster and lay it on the coffee table in the living room.

JJ's half empty coffee cup was still on the kitchen counter, light pink lipstick covered the edge of the cup where she had drunk from it. Emily picked the cup up and sighed slightly, she missed JJ already. She quickly brushed the cup clean with some hot water and soap before taking a seat on the couch next to Sergio.

''it's just you and me now buddy'' Emily whispered as she brushed her fingers through the thick black fur of her cat, ''we're alone again''.