13

The DOORBELL CHIMES.

Jack stomps in from the kitchen. He grabs the front door handle and whips it open.

A delivery boy in a blue uniform is standing at the door. He's holding the door knocker that's been torn off the door in his hand. The door wreath with blinking lights is dangling around his arm. His other hand is poised over the doorbell, index finger pointed. He's shocked.

Jack barks at the Boy. "What the hell do you want?"

The boy is horrified. "I have a delivery for Jack W. Harkness-Jones. I was supposed to deliver it yesterday but it fell between the seats and I didn't see it. I'm sorry."

He holds up an envelope. Jack's angry expression withers as he sees the envelope. The Delivery Boy hands Jack the envelope. "Merry Christmas."

looking up from the envelope Jack replies softly "Merry Christmas ..."

He closes the door and stares at the envelope. "I can't believe it."

"What is it?" Art asks "A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?"

"It's from my company."

Ianto gasps with glee "Your bonus!"

"My bonus!" Jack grabs Ianto and hugs and kisses him. He brings Alice and Scout into his embrace.

"Open it, Jackie." Nora demands with excitement.

Owen nods as he moves closer to see as well "Jack? I hope it's a fortune."

Jack is Smiling, gushing emotion.

Uncle Lewis shakes his head "I never saw such a sight, jeezuzzz?"

Jack is gushing "I thought ... I never knew … I was afraid ..."

Art barks "You gonna bawl all over it or are you going to open it?"

"I was going to wait until tomorrow to tell you all this but what the heck. With this bonus check ..." Jack holds up the envelope "... I am putting in a swimming pool!"

There's a moment of stunned silence followed by a gleeful outburst

"That's it, the big one" Jack shakes the envelope with glee.

"Open it, Cariad."

Jack smiles as he says with delight "I'm sorry if I've been a little short with everyone. I've been waiting for this check. To make sure the pool goes in as soon as the ground thaws, I had to lay out the money in advance. Until this little miracle arrived, I didn't have the money to cover the check."

"Tear the sucker open, Dad!" Alice yells.

He tears open the envelope slowly and deliberately, teasing himself and the others. He brings the envelope to his lips and blows, inflating it. With great flair, he reaches two fingers into the envelope and snares its contents. He withdraws a green slip of paper. He waves it in the air. "If there's enough left over, I'll fly you all in to help us dedicate it!"

Owen says flatly "Jack? I can't swim."

"I know." Jack winks. He turns the slip of paper over and looks at it. His face freezes. He stares at the check. He lets out ·a strange, high-pitched giggle. Then he turns deadly serious. The family stares at Jack, unable to understand his sudden change of spirit.

"Jack?" Ianto asks gently "What's wrong? Cariad?"

Jack doesn't answer. He just stares at the piece of paper.

"Cariad?" Ianto repeats "Is it bigger than you expected?"

Jack shakes his head, no.

"Smaller?" Ianto's voice shrinks as well.

Jack shakes his head again.

"Well, what is it?" Ianto asks with growing alarm.

"A one-year membership in the Jelly-Of-The-Month Club" Jack says with wide eyes.

"Oh, God, Jack." Ianto raises a hand to his mouth like he might be sick. The family is knocked into silence by the news.

Owen innocently says "That's a gift that keeps on giving the whole year."

"That it is, Owen. That it is, indeed." Jack seems to be in shock, blinking slowly as he stares at the piece of paper with awe.

Ianto tries to calm Jack down, fearing another explosion. "Jack? I'm sorry."

The family backs away as Jack's temper rises. "If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head punch in the face I ever got. Goddamnit! Listen, if any of you are looking for last minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Lawrence Brigadoon, my boss. Right here . Tonight"

Owen looks at Jack as an idea seeps into his thoughts.

Jack continues to snarl "I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with the other rich people and I want him brought right here."

Jack's eyes are wide with anger. "With a big ribbon on his head. I want to look him in the eye and tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flusing, low-life, snake-lickin', dirt-eatin', in-bred, overstuffed, ignorant, pus-oozing, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, heartless, hopeless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! (pause) Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"

Jack storms out of the room into the kitchen, leaving the family silent.

Owen grins.

Ianto clears his throat. "How about some eggnog?"

A chainsaw kicks in Jack comes out of the garage with the chainsaw roaring. Ianto and all the kids hurry out the front door. Alice whimpers "He's got that look doesn't he?"

Scout agrees "We should have gone to Hawaii."

Ianto shouts "Turn that thing off and get in the house!"

Jack ignores him and heads for the corner of the house.

"I'll talk to him, Tad." Scout offers. Scout steps off the porch and approaches Jack. "Dad?"

Jack turns to Scout. He has an angry look in his eyes and a chainsaw in his hands. Scout steps back. "Good talk, Dad."

Jack turns from Scout and marches across his lawn to a blue spruce on the corner of his property. He lays the chainsaw into the trunk and yells at the top of his voice. "Tim-bar!"

.

.

Todd and Margo are sitting in the living room having cocktails, listening to New Age Christmas. Margo turns to Todd and asks "Aren't you just the tiniest bit sorry we didn't get a Christmas tree? Even if they are dirty and messy and corny and clichéd?"

"Where are we going to get a tree at this hour on Christmas Eve?"

Behind them, the end of Jack's blue spruce CRASHES through their window.

.

.

.

Jack is washing his hands. Ianto is scowling at him. Jack looks at him with wide eyes "What?"

"Was that really necessary?"

Jack plays dumb. The heat of the moment has cooled and he feels slightly foolish for his outburst. "What? "

"Making a scene like that?"

"We needed a tree." Jack dries his hands with a flourish.

"May I remind you ..."

Jack finishes his thought "That this was my idea. No. I am well aware of it."

"Could you keep that in mind next time you go berserk?"

"I didn't go berserk. I simply solved a problem. We needed a coffin ... tree. There are no tree lots open on Christmas Eve. Your uncle burned down my tree so I simply replaced it as best I could" Jack defends himself with his hands waving about.

"You're okay?"

"Tiger, I'm fine." Jack picks up his chainsaw off the bathroom vanity and exits. Jack comes down the stairs. He grabs the newelpost and the ornamental piece atop it comes loose in his hand. He looks at it angrily, puts it back, STARTS UP the CHAINSAW and levels the newelpost in one, clean swipe. He yells loudly, to Ianto "Fixed the newelpost!"

.

.

The burned tree is on the curb next to the chair. The RV backs out of the driveway.

The new tree is up and has been hastily decorated with ornaments salvaged from the burned tree. A single strand of lights, melted, elongated bulbs, and charred tinsel. The family has reassembled in the living room. Jack walks in and places presents under the tree. Estelle perks up. "What's that sound?"

All eyes turn to Estelle. "Do you hear it? A funny squeaking sound?"

Uncle Lewis growls "You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerine plant ..."

"Shh! I hear it, too." Jack cants his head.

We hear a FAINT but distinctive, HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL.

Snots is locked in the laundry where he's thoroughly chewed up a full load of wash. He stops chewing. He looks at the door. His ears perk up.

The squealing grows louder. Everyone leans forward to listen closer. Jack leans down to the tree and has a listen. "I don't hear it anymore."

Thick, fresh branches with charred ornaments and a single strand of lights. Jack's hand separates the branches as he peers into the tree. A sudden look of shock. A squirrel leaps into camera. All hell breaks loose as a wild crazed, SHRIEKING SQUIRREL bursts into the room.

"Holy infant!" Jack splutters.

"Squirrel!" Scout screams.

People are running every which way, bumping into each other. Nora faints dead away in the middle of the room. Lewis' cigar ashes spray as he rams Jack Sr. Janet and Rocky are screaming at· the top of their voices. The women are screaming. Art decks Jenny on his way out. Ianto stands gaping. The squirrel goes up the drapes and leaps onto the couch.

Estelle is oblivious to the mayhem. Befitting her age, she's sitting with her legs relatively far apart. A beat and the squirrel runs up one of her legs under her skirt. A puzzled look on her face. She grimaces and gives a yank on her undies. "Oh, my! I hope somebody got me a girdle. This one's pinching and binding something terrible."

The family's in horror as they watch Estelle. Estelle is still unaware of what's up her skirt. We can see the squirrel scrambling around her lap. Lewis looks up from Estelle to Jack. "You can write that son of a bitch off. Nothin' goes up there and lives to tell about it."

Jack and Lewis look back at Estelle.

A beat and they scream as the squirrel flies out again.