I drove down the forest-lined road to La Push, weighing my options.
If the wolves were attacking hikers, I had to confront Jacob about it. If they weren't, I still had to come to grips with the fact that my best friend was morphing into a giant fricking wolf . So, all told it was going to be an interesting conversation either way.
I could have called him, like he suggested, but it felt cowardly. He deserved a face to face conversation, plus, a part of me was aching to see him. His secret visit to my room last night, while going a long way to repairing my heart after our fight the day before, was still not enough. I missed him desperately, and hated being apart from him.
I also had to warn him. I couldn't live with myself if Jacob got hurt running through the woods with people shooting at him.
I pulled up to the Blacks' house, heart beginning to thud in my chest. The house was dark, no lights on in the windows. I glanced at the clock. Okay, so admittedly 6:00 am was still pretty early. I wavered back and forth, debating on waking them up. Finally, my impatience won out, and I trotted up to the door, taking a deep, steadying breath.
I knocked tentatively, chickening out from knocking any louder. I almost turned around and ran back to my truck when I heard Billy faintly call, "Come in." A light flickered on, and I took a deep, steadying breath, and opened the door.
Billy was leaning around the open doorway by the kitchen, a bathrobe around his shoulders, not in his chair yet. When he saw who it was, his eyes widened in surprise, but his face remained stoic.
"Well, good morning, Bella. You're up very early," his voice was calm, if a little on the edge of censure. I felt bad for intruding on them so early, but it was too urgent to wait to warn Jacob.
"Hey, Billy. Jacob told me to come down and talk to him when I… I'm sorry it's so early. Where is he?" I apologized, my voice soft.
"I'm not sure," he said evasively, and I stifled an eye roll, taking another deep breath. Men.
"Well, Charlie left early this morning because they're organizing some big armed search parties to go hunt and shoot some giant wolves, and I'd really like to talk to Jacob about that if you don't mind," I said, trying to enforce my tone with some steel. I couldn't afford to lose my chance to warn Jacob.
Something in my face must have gotten to him, because he sighed and nodded.
"He might still be sleeping," he nodded towards Jacob's room. "He's out late a lot these days. Kid needs his rest… you probably shouldn't wake him."
"Well it's my turn now," I muttered, stalking down the hallway anyways. I'd apologize later. This couldn't wait. Billy sighed as he watched me go.
Jacob's tiny room was behind the only door in the yard-long hallway. I knocked gently, opening the door tentatively as I peered in.
"Jake?"
Jacob, still wearing the same cut-off shorts he'd been wearing when he visited me a few hours ago, was stretched diagonally across the full sized bed that took up the vast majority of his room except a few inches on either side. Even on a slant the bed was nowhere near long enough, and his feet dangled off the edges in what I could only describe as an adorable manner. He was fast asleep, snoring lightly with his mouth hanging open. He hadn't even twitched at my entrance.
His face was so peaceful in his deep slumber, all the angry, bitter lines smoothed out, and he looked so much more like my Jacob that I felt a pang in my heart. There were dark circles under his eyes that I hadn't noticed before; he looked very young now, and weary. Pity struck me to my core.
I backed out slowly, closing the door silently so as not to disturb him.
Billy looked at me curiously as I tip-toed back to the living room, curling up on the couch.
"I'm gonna let him sleep for a little more," I said quietly. Ironically, if I'd had a tail it would be tucked between my legs at the moment.
Billy stared at me for a moment, and I wondered at how much he knew about his son. If I had to guess, it was everything and some.
I lasted about five minutes before I started to get restless. Billy was rustling around the kitchen and I finally gave up.
"Hey, Billy?" I said quietly, and he looked up at me expectantly.
"I'm gonna wait down by the beach, okay? When he wakes up, tell him where I am, okay?"
"Sure, sure," Billy agreed.
I wondered if he really would, but I was too fidgety to wait in the house any longer. I thanked him, and drove down to First Beach, parking in the empty dirt lot.
It was still dark, the gloomy day making the morning slow to brighten. When I cut the headlights it was a little hard to see. I had to let my eyes adjust before I could find the path that led through the tall hedge of weeds. It was much colder down here with the wind whipping off the black water. It reminded me of my dream. I shivered, shoving my hands deep into the pockets of my winter jacket. At least there wasn't any rain.
I paced down the beach towards the north seawall. I couldn't see St. James or the other islands, just the vague shape of the water's edge. I picked my way carefully across the rocks, watching out for driftwood that might trip me up.
I found what I was looking for before I realized I was even searching for it. A long bone-white driftwood tree stranded deep on the rocks. The roots twisted up at the seaward end like a hundred brittle tentacles. I couldn't be sure that it was the same tree where Jacob and I had had our conversation so long ago, but it seemed to be around the same place. I sat down where I'd sat before, and stared broodingly out across the invisible sea.
Seeing Jacob like that- so innocent and vulnerable in sleep, had stolen all of my worry and dissolved the last remaining bits of anger I was harboring. I couldn't turn a blind eye to what was happening if Jacob and his friends were responsible for the missing hikers, but I couldn't condemn Jacob for it either.
Love didn't work that way, I decided. Once you cared about a person, it was impossible to be logical about them anymore. Jacob was my best friend, whether he killed people or not. Giant killer wolf or not.
When I pictured him sleeping so peacefully, I was seized by an overpowering tenderness. I wanted to protect him, to wrap him up in my arms and keep him from any harm. I couldn't handle it if Jacob got hurt.
I mulled over the memory of his peaceful face, watching the sky slowly turn to a lighter grey.
"Hey, Bella."
Jacob's voice came from the darkness and made me jump. It was soft, almost shy, but I'd been expecting to hear at least some sort of approach over the noisy rocks. I could see his silhouette against the coming sunrise. He looked like a tall, powerful man.
"Hey Jake," I replied with a soft smile.
He stood several paces away, shifting his weight from foot to foot anxiously.
"Billy told me you came by… guess it didn't take you very long, huh? I knew you would figure it out," he sounded worried and proud all at once.
"Yeah, I remember the right story now," I sighed, chewing my lip. How to broach the subject?
It was quiet for a long moment. Though it was still too dark to see well, I could tell he was searching my face. There must have been enough light for him to read my expression, because when he spoke again his voice was suddenly choked.
"You could have just called," he said harshly, and I frowned.
"I know." I couldn't get at what he was thinking.
Jacob started pacing. If I listened very hard, I could just hear the gentle brush of his feet on the rocks behind the sound of the waves. The rocks had clattered like castanets for me.
"Well? Why did you come?" he demanded, not halting his agitated stride.
"I thought a conversation like this would be better face-to-face," I said.
He snorted. "Oh, yeah. Much better."
"Jacob, I came to warn you…"
"About the rangers and the hunters? Yeah, don't worry, we already know about that, thanks," he said quickly.
"Don't worry about it?" I said in disbelief, shooting to my feet. "Jake! You could get hurt! They've got guns, they're setting traps. It's not safe for you out there!"
"We can take care of ourselves," he scoffed, still pacing. "They're not going to catch anything. They're only making it more difficult… they'll start disappearing soon enough, too."
"Jake!" I cried in anguish, my stomach dropping at his words. "How can you say that? How can you feel that way? You know these people. Charlie is out there!" my voice cracked, and I swallowed down the lump in my throat. Were my worst fears coming true? Was Jake a monster now?
He stopped abruptly, refusing to look at me. "What more can we do?" he retorted.
"Jacob, why are there so many people disappearing?" my voice shook. I was terrified of his answer. He looked at me, furious.
"How is that fair? How can you sit there and be scared of me, when you dated a fucking leech for a year!"
"I'm not scared of you, Jacob! It's what you do not what you are!"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he roared, his entire frame quivering.
Be very careful, Bella, the velvet voice warned. Don't push him too far.
Oh, fuck off already! I snapped back mentally.
"Is it really necessary to kill people, Jacob? Isn't there some other way? I mean, if vampires can find a way to survive without murdering people surely we can figure out something for you!"
He straightened up like I had doused him with cold water.
"What? Murdering people?"
I stopped short, confused as well. "Wasn't that what we were talking about? All the missing hikers?"
"No, I thought you were talking about how you were disgusted that I was a wolf."
"No, Jake, don't be ridiculous. That's fine," I waved his concern off casually, and I knew as I said the words it was how I truly felt. "I'm concerned about how Charlie keeps finding blood and missing people and wolf tracks right at the scene!"
"Wait, is that it?" he said, an inexplicable smile breaking across his face. "You're just scared 'cause you think I'm murdering people? That's the only reason?"
I looked at him like he'd grown a third eye. "Um… is that not reason enough?"
He threw back his head and began to laugh.
"Jacob! This is so not funny!"
He kept laughing, bending over with his hands on his knees.
"Jake!" I stomped my foot.
"Sure, sure," he said, still chortling.
He took one long stride towards me and caught me up in a vice-like bear hug.
"You really, honestly don't care that I morph into a giant dog?" he laughed, swinging me around side to side so that my legs dangled in the air.
"Ah- no, Jake… air!" I squeaked again like I had the night before. He set me down on the ground but kept his arms wrapped around me so there was barely a centimeter of space between us.
"I'm not a killer, Bella! Those disappearances weren't us!"
I felt relief wash through me, and I breathed a heavy sigh of relief.
"Really?"
"Really," he promised, hugging again, and this time I returned the gesture, squeezing my arms as tightly around him as I could. My Jacob .
He stroked my hair gently, rocking us side to side. For a moment, everything felt right in the world.
"Sorry I called you a hypocrite," he grinned into my hair. I snorted softly.
"Sorry I accused you of murder."
He laughed heartily.
Then something occurred to me that chilled my blood.
"But… if it's not you guys causing the disappearances… then what is?"
His face was immediately serious. "We're trying to do our job, Bella. We're trying to protect them, but somehow we're always just a little too late."
"Protect them from what? Is there really a killer bear out there?"
"Bella, honey, we only protect people from one thing. It's the only reason we exist- because they do."
I felt the blood drain out of my face, and chills ran from my scalp down to my legs.
"No…" I gasped, my eyes wide with horror as the implication of what was happening fully hit me. Jacob nodded sagely.
"I would have thought you of all people would put the pieces together and know what's going on."
"Laurent…" I whispered. "He's still here."
Jacob frowned. "Laurent?"
I tried to calm the panicked shrieking in my head enough to answer. "I guess, you were there, you saw him in the meadow that day. You guys kept him from killing me," I shuddered.
"Oh, that black-haired leech?" he gave me a cocky, triumphant grin. "Didn't realize it had a name."
"It's not funny, Jacob," I smacked his bicep lightly. "What were you guys thinking? He could have killed you," I fretted, feeling anxiety pool in my chest.
Another belly laugh interrupted me, and I scowled up at him. He rubbed my back with his hands, trying to sooth me.
"Bella, one lonely vampire isn't a match for a pack as big as ours. It was so easy, it was hardly even fun!"
"Easy…?" I stared at him in confusion.
"Killing that disgusting bloodsucker that was trying to kill you," he flexed his muscles with a grin, then backtracked. "I don't count that towards the murdering thing, though, since leeches don't count as people."
" Dead… " I stuttered, barely comprehending the word. Jacob looked dubious suddenly.
"You're not, like, upset that we killed him, are you? I mean if you were friends with him… well, he was about to kill you, that was fairly clear." He frowned, thinking.
"Yes, obviously I knew he was going to kill me, he told me so," I waved my hand dismissively. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew how messed up a sentence like that was, but I packed it up neatly and put it away for later examination. "I'm just… no, I'm not upset." I backed away a step and sat heavily down on the driftwood log, stunned.
Jacob moved so he was sitting next to me, seeming worried.
"Are you sure you weren't friends?" he asked, then scrunched his nose up in disgust as if the thought was vile to him.
"Friends?" I barked out a laugh. "No… no, we weren't friends. Trust me. I just… I'm so relieved." I laughed again, sounding a little hysterical. "I've been waiting for him to come kill me for weeks, I've been so afraid every night…" I couldn't keep it in anymore, the stressed laughter bubbled up in my throat and escaped. I buried my face in my hands, unable to stop my nervous giggling.
"Oh, well. Now you don't have to worry!" Jacob said cheerfully, sounding more than a little concerned for my mental health.
"I'm confused, though, Jacob…" I finally gathered my composure. "They're so fast, and strong, they're indestructible… how did you kill him?"
Jacob wrapped an arm around me, pulling me against his warmth. "It's what we're made for, Bells. We're really strong and really fast, too. I wish you would have told me you were afraid, I could have made you feel better."
"It's not like I didn't try to call," I muttered sourly, and glanced up in time to see his regretful grimace.
"Sorry," he sighed. I leaned my head onto his shoulder in forgiveness.
"But wait," I said as something else occurred to me. "Last night in my room, you said it wasn't safe for you to be there, I thought it was because you know there was a vampire after me?"
He frowned for a second, then ducked his head as if in shame. "No, that's not what I meant."
"Then why did you say it wasn't safe?" I was confused. There was so much that had been miscommunicated between us recently. It was very unlike us, we were usually on the same wavelength about everything.
He looked at me with guilt-ridden eyes. "I meant it wasn't safe for you ."
He glanced away, brooding for a moment. Then finally, he continued.
"I wasn't supposed to talk to you for a couple reasons. The first, because this is a tribe secret, and second, because werewolves can be a bit… unpredictable, when they get upset. If I lose control around you I could hurt you."
That sounded awfully familiar. I sighed, wondering at the circumstances of my life that kept landing me in this precarious position. Apparently my number wasn't up in Phoenix growing up after all.
"So when you were mad before…?"
Jacob nodded, ashamed. "I shouldn't have let myself get that close to losing control. I told myself that I wouldn't get mad no matter what you said to me but," he shot me a wry smile. "You sure know how to cut a man deep using just your words. Your mind should be labeled as a weapon of mass destruction." I let myself enjoy a moment of self-satisfaction, then motioned for him to continue. "I was just really scared that I was going to lose you over this, that you wouldn't be able to deal with who I am."
"So what happens if you let yourself get too mad?" I asked tentatively.
"I'd turn into a wolf," he said, his voice grim.
"So… no full moon?" I tried to make my voice light and teasing.
He rolled his eyes, cheering up again. "Hollywood's take on werewolves are a bit like calling Pamela Anderson's boobs the real deal," he shook his head, then sobered up again. "For real, though, Bella. You don't have to be stressed out. We're going to take care of this, and we're going to keep a special eye on Charlie and the others. We won't let anything happen to them."
The freight train that was this information blindsided me, although it shouldn't have. I was so distracted by the idea that Jacob and his friends could kill a vampire, that I'd forgotten one important detail.
The attacks were still happening.
Which meant…
"Oh, god…" I gasped, my face paling. "If Laurent died weeks ago…"
"Yeah, there were two of them," he growled. "We thought his mate would want to square up once he died, like in the stories. They're supposed to get really mad if you kill their mate, but she just keeps coming back and running away again. If we could figure out what she's after it would be easier to take her down, but she doesn't make any sense. It feels like she's dancing around the edges, testing our defenses, looking for a way in but to where? What does she want?" he huffed in frustration, shaking his head. "Sam thinks she's trying to separate us so she has a better shot of slipping by."
His voice faded until it sounded like it was muffled by water, or cotton in my ears. My stomach roiled with nausea and I felt a cold sweat break out over my forehead.
I spun away abruptly and dry heaved over the back of the driftwood bench, my breath coming in desperate gasps.
Victoria was here. She had already been trying to kill me- and in the meantime, she was killing innocent people in the woods.
"Bella? Bella! What's wrong?" Jacob's hands caught me, keeping me from slumping down in a boneless heap.
"Victoria," I gasped, beginning to shiver uncontrollably as stress crashed through me in waves.
I felt Jacob pull me up from my slump, holding me carefully against him. I lay my limp head on his shoulder as he brushed my hair gently from my clammy face.
"Who is Victoria?" Jacob asked "Bella, can you hear me?"
"James' mate," I moaned into his shoulder, feeling a sob build up into my throat. This nightmare would never end. "She wasn't Laurent's mate… just partnered for convenience…"
"What? Are you okay? Do you need a doctor?" Jacob asked, his tone frantic with worry.
"I'm not sick, I'm… scared," I said weakly. 'Scared' didn't quite seem to sum of the sheer horror I felt, but it was all I could muster.
Jacob rubbed my back soothingly. "Scared of this female leech- Victoria? Is she the red-haired one?"
I trembled again, and whimpered. "Yes."
"How do you know she wasn't his mate?"
My eyes closed as another flashback hit me. My screams echoing against the vaulted ceilings, shattered glass glittering around me, blood… so much blood…
The fire in my hand.
"Laurent told me that James was her mate."
He took my chin gently in his hand, turning my face so he could look into my eyes. "Did he say anything else, Bella? Did he tell you what she's after?"
A tear leaked down my cheek, and I nodded. "She's coming after me."
His eyes shot wide in surprise, then narrowed into slits. "Why?" he demanded, his voice steely. I think a part of him suspected why, but I told him the story anyways.
"Edward killed James," I whispered, remembering the horrible keening noise as he was ripped to pieces. "She did get pissed off but she felt it was more fair to kill me instead of him. A mate for a mate," I said sarcastically. Some 'mate' he was, leaving me to fend for myself. "She didn't know, or I guess still doesn't know that he… it's not like that between us anymore." I grimaced. Would it even matter anymore?
Jacob was frowning, thinking very hard. "Is that why the Cullens left?"
"No… they left because I'm a human. Nothing special," I bit out acerbically.
"You're more special than you know, Bella," he said, and his tone brooked no comment. His face turned curious again. "When did all of this happen?"
I thought back trying to remember. Then it struck me, suddenly.
"Almost a year ago."
I watched Jacob do the mental math, and his eyes went from suspicious, to shocked, to livid.
"Your accident in Phoenix…?" he sputtered, and I winced, nodding.
"That filthy fucking bloodsucker! I'll have his head!" Jacob roared, jumping up. He was shaking so violently he was almost vibrating, and I realized my mistake.
"Jacob! Jacob! It's fine! I'm fine , I promise," I insisted, trying to stand up but my legs still felt a little weak. I watched him shake, trying to take deep, calming breaths. After a minute, the shaking started to lessen, until it was just a fine trembling.
"You were in the hospital for a week," he growled, his voice dripping with venomous hatred. He still wouldn't turn around to face me. I bit my lip, flexing my hand with the scar on my palm.
"I was okay…"
"You. Could. Have. Died." Jacob bit out, shaking his head as if he couldn't bear the very thought of it in his mind. I bit my lip, not wanting to lie to him. I'd almost been worse than dead. I could have become undead.
"Jacob please… I promise I'm okay, now," I pleaded with him, missing his warmth next to me. After five more deep breaths, he finally controlled the trembling, and turned back to me. His eyes were full of fury, and I could hardly blame him.
"Well, this is important. This is exactly what we need to know," he nodded decidedly. "We've got to tell the others right away."
Jacob took a step forward and offered me his hand. I took it gladly, and he pulled me to my feet. He kept two hands on my waist until he was sure I wasn't going to fall.
"I'm okay," I said unconvincingly. He smiled slightly, and traded his hold on my waist for one of my hands, intertwining his fingers with mine. He pulled me back towards the truck, and I listened for his heavy footsteps on the stones, but couldn't hear anything over the gentle crash of the waves and the playful wind. Was I forever doomed to be the loud and clumsy one while everyone got supernatural agility and grace?
Maybe this was the universe's way of laughing at me.
"Where are we going?" I asked, more than a little worried about meeting the others in the pack. The intensity of their hostility towards me yesterday was still etched into my mind.
"I'm not sure yet," he admitted. "I'll call a meeting. Um... wait here for a minute, okay?" He leaned me against the side of my truck and released my hand.
"Where are you going?" I asked, bewildered.
"I'll be right back," he promised, and before I could say anything he sprinted off into the trees and disappeared.
"I... uh… okay?" I called after him. "I'll just… hang out here, then... I guess," I muttered to myself.
I tapped my foot while I waited, shooting a few apprehensive glances towards the woods. I felt naked, exposed without Jacob. Victoria was after me, and the only thing standing between her and my vulnerable, soft throat was a pack of boys that could morph into behemoth killer wolves.
So, at least I had that going for me.
"Seriously, what the fuck even is my life?" I muttered, climbing into my truck and mashed the lock down. It barely made me feel half a percent better, but it was something.
I jumped violently when a sharp tap on the truck's window interrupted my zoning out, but it was just Jacob back from… whatever it was he was doing. I reached over and unlocked the passenger door, ignoring the tremble in my fingers.
"You're not really frightened, are you?" he asked. Guess my jumpiness wasn't subtle.
"A little," I admitted.
"Don't be, honey. We'll take care of you, and Charlie, too," he promised, lacing his fingers with mine. The sincerity of his voice managed to lodge a sliver of hope in my chest, and I gave him a small smile. If they managed to dispatch Laurent, maybe they could handle the wild, red-haired vampire, too.
"Thank you. Where did you go just now?" I asked curiously, eager to change the subject.
"Oh," he laughed a little self-consciously. "Don't be weirded out or anything, but when we're in our… 'other' form, we can kinda… hear each other," he said slowly, carefully watching my expression.
My mouth opened slightly in confusion as I gazed out the window shield. He could tell I was still confused.
"Not, like, physically. Hear sounds, I mean. I mean that we can kind of… mentally talk to each other? Hear each other's thoughts? God, it sound so crazy when I say it out loud," he laughed nervously. "It's really helpful when we're hunting, but there's no hiding. Every thought you have is just right there, out in the open. Mostly it's just a big pain in the butt," he frowned.
It finally clicked in my brain. "Oh! So last night, when you said you were gonna go tell them…"
"Yeah! You're quick," he grinned at me, and I shrugged, pleased with myself.
"I'm good once I have context clues." He laughed along with me.
"You're also really good with weird," he mused. "I thought all of this would really bother you, and you'd run screaming."
"Hah, well, funnily enough you're not the first person I've known who has that ability, so I've had time to get used to that."
"Really?" He frowned. "Wait, are you talking about one of your bloodsuckers?"
"They have names, you know," I scolded him, rolling my eyes.
"Cullens, whatever. Tom-ay-to tom-ah-to."
I rolled my eyes again, smirking at his cheekiness. "But yes. Just Edward, though." Saying his name was hurting less and less lately, I realized.
Jacob looked very unpleasantly surprised. "Wait, really? I thought those were just stories. I've heard legends about leeches with special abilities, but I thought that was just a myth."
"Is anything a myth anymore?" I sighed.
He huffed. "I guess not. Alright, Sam said to meet him and the others at the place we usually ride our bikes."
I started up the truck, the familiar roar of the engine grounding me, making me feel like I could cling to some sense of normalcy again. I pulled out of the parking lot and started up the familiar road.
"So, were you just talking to Sam back there?"
"Yeah," he sounded embarrassed. "I kept it short and tried not to think about you. I was afraid he would tell me I couldn't bring you."
"That wouldn't have stopped me," I said haughtily. I couldn't quite shake my perception of Sam as a dark, manipulative person.
"Well it would have stopped me," he said morosely. "Remember last night? When I couldn't finish my sentences or tell you the whole story?"
"Yeah, I thought you were having like an aneurism or something."
"Oh, ha-ha. Thanks, Bells. Makes me feel real good." He snorted, rolling his eyes. "Sam told me I couldn't tell you anything about us. It was quite literally a gag order. He's the head of the pack, you know? So when he gives us direct orders, we physically can't ignore him. It really sucks." He glared out of the window at the blur of trees rolling by.
I frowned. So Jacob couldn't disobey Sam? At all?
"That really sucks," I muttered, thinking of all the ways that could go horribly wrong. If Sam asked Jake to jump, he'd jump. If Sam asked him to abandon me forever...
I would never see Jacob again, I thought with a thrill of terror. A fresh wave of anxiety crashed through me at the thought. I couldn't allow that to happen.
"You're telling me," Jacob sighed, narrowing his eyes angrily. "I'm not great at being told what to do, truth be told. It's very much a wolf thing… There's still so much I'm learning. I can't even imagine what it was like for Sam, turning first, all alone. It's bad enough with a whole pack there to support you and answer your questions," Jacob frowned.
"God… he was alone?" I whispered, and I felt my first twinge of sympathy for Sam. I could certainly relate to feeling lost and alone.
"Yeah," Jacob sighed. "When I changed it was the most horrible… the most terrifying thing I'd ever been through. Worse than anything I could have ever imagined, but… suddenly I wasn't alone. There were voices in my head- and I recognized them, and they explained everything going on with me and really helped me calm down. They kept me from losing my mind, I think. But Sam…" he shuddered. "He didn't have anyone ."
I was seized by a wave of compassion for Sam, and I felt some of the hard, angry walls I had built against him start to crumble.
"Will they be angry that I'm with you?" I bit my lip, my heart flipping uncomfortably in my chest.
He made a face. "Probably."
"Maybe I shouldn't…" I started, but Jacob waved my words away.
"No, it's okay," he assured me. "You know so much that can help us. It's not like you're some ignorant human. You're like, I dunno, a spy or something. You've been behind enemy lines!" his voice was sounding more excited, but the way he phrased it put a pit in my stomach. Regardless if they had abandoned me, I didn't love feeling like I was betraying the Cullens.
But, I did want to stop Victoria. The Cullens were no longer here. They had shed themselves of the mantle of protector, and if I didn't want to be a nameless pile of bones lost in the woods somewhere, I needed to move on and help the Quileute pack as much as I could.
The thought of Jacob confronting her, however, made my stomach turn with nausea. I didn't want him within a hundred miles of her.
"Like the stuff about the mind-reading blood-sucker," Jacob was continuing, oblivious of my ruminations. "That's the kind of stuff we need to know to have an edge, you know? God, that really sucks that those stories are true. Do you think this Victoria leech has any special talents?"
I frowned, thinking hard. "No… Edward would have mentioned something to us if he'd known. Some of them are normal," I laughed at the face he made. "Okay, okay. Normal for vampire standards."
"It's still gross," he shuddered. "I can't believe you ever let them near you." I winced at his words as they dredged up some sad, painful memories. He squeezed my hand. "Sorry, I know you don't really like to talk about them."
"How do you know me so well, Jacob?" I mused, smiling at him. "Sometimes it's like you're the one that can read my mind."
"Nah, I just pay attention," he winked at me.
We had gotten to the little dirt road we usually rode our bikes on, and I found myself missing it keenly.
"This good?" I asked.
"Sure, sure," Jacob responded, and I cut the engine.
There was a moment of silence that stretched out between us.
"Are you still unhappy?" Jacob asked softly. I chewed the inside of my lip, really giving it some thought.
"I think…" I spoke slowly, choosing my words carefully. "I think that I still get sad sometimes, yeah. But it's not… it's not bad. Not really, anymore."
"Do you ever think that you might be better off?"
The question shocked me, and I took another long moment of thinking to respond. I delved deep into my feelings, turning them over and examining them from different angles.
"It kind of feels like… with everything going on now, that I'm not really better off either way, you know? If they were here, she still would have come hunting me and they could have gotten hurt, and I don't think…" I gulped, my heart flipping at the thought. "I don't think you and I would have gotten so close, and I think that would have really sucked, even if I wasn't aware of what I was missing."
"But with them gone?"
I glanced over at him, feeling the tension between us pulling tight like a wire. One wrong move and it could snap.
"I am happy," I said softly, and the admission blew through me like a hurricane. I never thought those words would ever pass my lips. Happy without the Cullens. It hadn't seemed possible.
Jacob's smile was like the sun breaking out of the clouds.
The tension abruptly broke and Jacob's head swiveled forward, and he swallowed thickly.
"They're here. Let's go."
I took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to manage the sudden emotional onslaught swirling through me. "Are you sure? Maybe I shouldn't be here…"
"They'll deal with it," he grinned at me, hopping out of the truck. "Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?"
"Oh, ha-ha very funny," I said, jumping out, too. I walked quickly around the front of my truck, grabbing his hand as soon as I was next to him. I could feel myself starting to tremble from the anxiety of meeting his pack, but this time on a little more equal footing.
Jacob squeezed my hand. "Let's do this."