Night dragged into dawn as Zoe sat awake letting her body turn her grief into salt and water. Each time she tried to close her eyes the darkness would conjure up their faces. The recent loss of her father left her feeling hollow, but it was not enough to take away from the twisting knife in her gut which was the uncertain fate of her mother and sister. This was her first night without any of her family and her battle for sleep was relentless. Alex sat at her side with her head lulled forward as she slept. She had been sitting awake with Zoe in their shared bed in an attempt to console the grieving girl.
"I won't sleep until you do." Alex had whispered as they crawled into bed that night, letting Zoe rest her head on her lap. Until the early hours of the morning, Alex had fought sleep trying to keep her promise but her exhausted body won and forced her rest. When there were no more distracting whispers and the soothing strokes in her hair had stopped, Zoe begged that her mind would fall quiet for long enough so that she could do the same. Her eyes stung; tiredness and tears had left them raw.
If only she had listened. If only she had kept quiet and did what Alex and Tobias had asked. If only she had trusted them to do what they had already done a dozen times over, she would still have a father. The muscles in her chin trembled as stared across the darkened room and no matter how hard she tried to hold it in, the oncoming sob racked her body. She was not sure how long she cried for, or at what point the sun lit up the room instead of the moon, but as her crying slowed to sniffles once more, she began to hear the rest of the house slowly come to life for the day. Yet Zoe remained motionless in the bed. The thought of having to deal with people's sympathetic condolences only willed her to remain where she was. The awful hollowness that she felt only grew with every hour that passed and threatened to engulf her entire mind. What was the point of facing the day when her whole family was gone?
Behind her, Alex began to stir. After a few moments, the taller girl's arm came slinking around her waist and for a brief second, the grief subsided as Alex squeezed her close and Zoe melted into her warmth. As Zoe lay there with her heart momentarily distracted from pain, Alex's voice came croakily in her ear.
"I'm going to get myself a drink, do you want anything?"
She shook her head 'no' and felt the grief weigh down her shoulders once more as Alex slipped out of the bed. Yet when Alex returned, she carried two steaming mugs of hot chocolate.
"We don't have any milk left, otherwise I would have made us a proper cuppa." She apologised, holding out a mug for Zoe. "It's that cheap stuff you make with water instead of milk."
"I said that I didn't want anything." She replied, still laying on her pillow and eyes vacant and voice hollow.
"You didn't eat anything last night," Alex noted "hold out one of your hands."
Zoes eyes flickered curiously to her friend who waited for her to follow her command. She stretched out her arm weakly for Alex to inspect as it trembled. "See, you're shaking. The sugar in this will do you good."
Alex offered her the cup once more, prompting Zoe to sit up and take it with a sigh; her head span and vision momentarily blurred. The sickly-sweet smell of the chocolate made her stomach lurch as the heat of the mug warmed her hands and with another encouraging glance from Alex, Zoe took a sip and Alex clambered over her friend back into bed before they sat side by side and drank from their cups in silence. Alex's shoulders hunched and her eyes were puffy, still exhausted from the day before. When both the cups were empty, neither girl made any movement to get out of bed.
Layla's face appeared around the door, Alex reached over and peeled back the covers on the other side of Zoe, and Layla wordlessly accepted the invitation to crawl into the bed with them despite being fully dressed. Now sandwiched between her two friends the constant whir of dark thoughts slowed to a dull hum. The bed wasn't built for the three girls so they squashed together in a tangle of limbs, clinging to each other under the duvet.
Eventually, Alex wriggled free from the bed and opened the curtains. The sun was now much higher in the sky so she cracked open a window and breathed deeply as the cool air flooded the stuffy room. Zoe screwed up her face and turned her back on the offending daylight.
"Shall we go next door and get breakfast?" Layla suggested as Alex pulled on a jumper over her pajamas
"I don't want to see anyone else." Zoe replied, voice monotone. "I just want to stay here."
"We don't have to go next door, we can eat at my table." Alex put forward. "It won't be good for you to stay in bed all day, at least come with us for a change of scenery."
Begrudgingly Zoe shuffled out of bed with an encouraging nudge from Layla, wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and followed Alex downstairs. As they walked through the living room, Zoe kept her eyes firmly on the floor, unable to look at the couch where her fathers life ended the day before without her throat tightening. Alex pulled a bag of oats out of the cupboard and set about making a pot of watery porridge while shuffling her feet on the tiles. As Alex set the bowls in front of her friends, the front door opened and Daniel stepped in, nose and cheeks flushed red from the cold.
"'Morning Dad." Alex mumbled as he entered the dining room. "Want some porridge?"
He stopped in his tracks, eyes fixed on his daughter with a strange look that resembled disapproval plastered across his face. The only acknowledgement he gave her question was a brief shake of his head before turning on his heel and leaving the room.
Instantly Alex's heart sank and chest tightened. He had never looked at her like that before. He had never looked at any of his children like that before. Not once.
"He blames you." she thought "His best friend is dead because of you. Of course he blames you."
"He's just grieving." Layla reassured, as if reading her mind. "We all just need time to process it."
Tears welled in her eyes as she bowed her head and tried to focus on eating the flavourless slop in front of her. For the first time in weeks, Layla didn't make a remark about the quality of the food and finished her bowl with no complaints. Zoe managed half a bowl before pushing it away from her. Next door they could hear lots of clattering and the faint cry of the baby; a stark contrast to the suffocating silence of the somber dining room. Layla piled up their bowls and spoons before clearing her throat.
"I'm gonna pop these next door and see if we're needed for anything today. If not, we can go back to bed."
Alex forced a tight smile and nodded at Layla, who promptly left to cart off the washing up. Zoe sat opposite Alex with her chin in her hands. The pit of guilt in Alex's stomach seemed to double as she saw the state of her friend in the cold light of day. Her skin was blotchy and her eyes were blood-shot from her endless crying. Under her eyes were dark circles and her eyelids were heavy as Zoe mindlessly traced the lines on the wooden table with her finger.
"How much did you sleep last night?" Alex asked quietly. Zoe shrugged and didn't meet her eyes.
"I'm tired but my head just won't let me sleep." She answered eventually. "I've got a headache too, do you have any paracetamol I can have?"
Alex nodded.
"There's a box in my… our room." She corrected herself "I'll get it for you when we go back up."
Layla reappeared and confirmed that they weren't needed for any chores that day, so they made their way back upstairs. Zoe stopped to use the bathroom as the other two went ahead to their room.
"While I was next door Toby asked me to tell you that he wants to speak to you." Layla said as Alex routed around in her sock draw for the paracetamol. "He asked if you could go and find him in a bit."
Her stomach flipped once more and she shook her head. "Maybe later. I don't feel like seeing anyone else either today."
"What actually happened-?" Layla began in a hushed whisper but Alex waved her off as she heard Zoe's footsteps approaching, and promised to explain everything another time.
"It's too quiet." Zoe sniffled with fresh tears on her cheeks as she climbed back into bed. "I wish we could watch tv or a film. Anything with a bit of background noise."
"Yeah." Alex agreed, handing her the tablets and a bottle of water before joining Zoe in bed. "But the electricity is still off, I can't even put a dvd on."
"Books and board games. That's all the entertainment we have now." Layla rolled her eyes, getting into the bed at the footboard so her feet tangled with the two girls at the other end.
"I could read to you." Alex offered sarcastically as Zoe nuzzled into her lap once more.
"Would you?" Zoe asked hopefully.
"Oh… umm... Yeah I can do." Alex faltered, shifting in her seat . "Lay, pass me something off that shelf behind you."
Layla stretched and handed Alex a blue and yellow book with black lettering, titled 'The Well'. Feeling foolish, she began to read out loud. At first she stumbled over her words as her own tongue felt foreign in her mouth but soon relaxed into the steady flow of the story. Alex read, page after page, until her voice grew hoarse and quiet.
"You can stop." Layla whispered, looking up from her magazine. "She's asleep. For now at least."
"I didn't realise how long I'd been reading for." She croaked back as a soft rap came on the bedroom door. Billy opened the door enough to poke his
face around.
"Hi, uh they sent me to come and get you for lunch." He whispered, noticing that Zoe was fast asleep on Alex's lap.
"I'm not really that hungry. And I'd rather not wake her so I'll stay here." Alex returned, then looked to Layla "But if you're hungry you go ahead."
"Nah. I'm still full from breakfast. Tell them we're not hungry, but thanks Billy." Layla replied.
Billy nodded with a smile and retreated out of the room.
For a few moments, Alex watched as Zoe slept on with her face relaxed and free from torment and hoping that her dreams were as peaceful as she looked. Then she turned her attention back to the book, letting the words take her mind somewhere else for a while longer.
"While she's sleeping, will you tell me how it happened?" Layla asked after another hour or so of silence, abruptly snapping Alex out of her fantasy world.
With no escape, Alex put down her book and sighed.
"We would have run out of food." She began quietly. "Me and Toby thought that if we could sneak out to a shop and bring back something then we'd all be fine and we could keep on surviving here. And we got away with it a few times. Then Zoe told her dad what we were doing because she was worried about us and then Vincent followed us to the shop. There were walkers. Too many for me and Toby to handle. Then Vincent showed up and saved us, but we couldn't save him. He got bit. He wanted to end it in the car park but I wouldn't let him. I couldn't. So we got him back here, we pretty much had to carry him but it wasn't enough. He was bitten and whatever that does to you had a hold of him. He couldn't hardly keep his eyes open towards the end." She wiped the tears that were flowing down her cheeks as she finished.
"I didn't know we were running out of food." Layla replied evenly. "So you and Toby were keeping us fed all this time?"
Alex nodded but still couldn't meet Layla's eyes.
"Why didn't you tell anyone else? Someone would've helped you and you wouldn't have had to go sneaking around."
"Because everyone here is under the impression that those pricks from the army are coming back to save us. They're ignoring the fact that there are literal dead people walking around and expect everything to snap back to normal once we reach the seaside." Her tears prickled hot with anger this time before Alex closed her eyes for a moment to compose herself. "I'm sorry it's just… fuck. He's dead, Layla. Vincent is gone and it's my fucking fault."
Finally she caught Layla's gaze, who had tears brimming herself.
"I don't think you're to blame." Layla said slowly as she daintily brushed her tears away. "You didn't ask him to go with you and you weren't to know Zoe would tell him. Without you getting food, the rest of us would've been dead."
"If he didn't follow us, me and Toby would be dead."
"Seems like whatever you chose to do, it would have led to someone dying." She reasoned. Alex couldn't help but let out a bemused scoff at her frankness. It was always something Alex had admired about her friend; Layla's willingness verbalise anything she was thinking, even if it may come across as insensitive. Hearing the blunt and uncensored truth helped to keep things in perspective.
"I never meant to risk anyone's life but my own." Alex added painfully, voice dripping with guilt.
"What about Toby's?" Layla questioned further.
"He knew exactly what we were risking from the get go. He asked me to go with him in the first place so we could look out for each other and then he put his own life on the line going out on his own after I sliced my leg open."
"Do you blame him?"
"No." Alex answered without hesitation. "No, of course not."
"So then why do you blame yourself?" Layla asked earnestly, and when Alex didn't offer an answer she continued. "You and Toby were in the exact same situation but you can't bring yourself to put any blame on him. Yet you sit here letting the guilt eat you up. If you're going to blame yourself for Vincent's death then you better blame Toby just as much. But I know you won't do that, so you need to stop thinking that this is all your fault. It's not. You couldn't have known what was going to happen and Vincent knew how dangerous it was to follow you."
Alex blinked at Layla, speechless in the aftermath of her pep talk. Before she could think of how to respond, Zoe began fidgeting in her lap and slowly opened her eyes. Tracing idle circles on her back, Alex let her readjust to the world for a few minutes before she spoke.
"Is your head feeling any better?"
"Mmh, a little." Zoe murmured, voice hoarse
"Drink this." Said Layla, handing Zoe another bottle of water. "You'll feel worse if you're dehydrated from all the crying."
Sitting up, Zoe began chugging the water until over half the bottle had gone. She wiped her mouth with her sleeve and mumbled something about needing to use the bathroom again before trailing out of bed and across the landing.
"Should we make her get dressed and come outside for a bit?" Asked Layla when they heard the bathroom door lock.
"Nah, just let her feel it today." said Alex, lying down onto her pillow . "Maybe tomorrow."
When Zoe returned, fresh tears welled in her eyes and she crawled under the covers without a word. As Zoes sobs her racked body, the other two girls' hearts broke. Layla clambered towards the top of the bed so they could once again try to hold their broken friend together between them. They stayed like that until the sun began to set and the room faded back into darkness.
Before long, another knock came at the door and this time Nichola pushed it open with her foot and entered the room with a tray. Her bright smile didn't fit in the somber cocoon the friends had made for themselves.
"Hi girls, I brought you some food up." she beamed as they sat up in bed and Alex attempted a grateful smile. "Just bring down anything you don't eat later, okay?"
"Thank you." said Layla, accepting the food onto her lap. Another bowl of vegetable stew with some dried crackers each. Nichola closed the door behind her and as she left Layla grumbled "I'm so fucking sick of soup."
Though they didn't really feel like eating, each of the girls managed to clean their bowls, knowing that this was the food Vincent sacrificed his life to bring back. The portions were getting concerningly smaller at every meal and Alex knew it would be near impossible to sneak out again and harder than before to keep all fourteen of them fed. In her head, Alex began making a list of all the places they could try to get food from. If they were careful, they could go back to the walker infested supermarket. And there was the row of shops down by the train station. Then suddenly Alex's chest felt tight and her breath hitched in her throat as her thoughts spiralled. She wouldn't be allowed to leave again but they needed food to survive. No one else would risk leaving, especially after Vincent. Toby may not be stopped by anyone but she wouldn't let him go alone. A wave of claustrophobia washed over her as she became hyper-aware of the two other bodys squashed too close to her in her small bed and she stumbled to her feet needing to be free from the restraints of the duvet.
Layla quirked a questioning eyebrow and opened her mouth to speak but Alex found her voice first.
"I'm fine, I just need… I'm going to take the bowls back next door. Won't be long." Alex claimed. Gathering everything onto the tray she hurried from the room, ignoring the strange looks from her friends. It was only when her bare foot hit the wet pavement as she stepped out of the house that she realised that she had forgotten her shoes in her haste. Tilting her head towards the sky she breathed deeply, letting the cool air fill her lungs and as she exhaled, the panic subsided.
"Pull yourself together." she thought sharply.
Listening to the voice in her head, she swallowed the rest of her anxiety and stepped over the low garden wall and into the bustling house. The atmosphere had shifted from its usual happy chatter to a more restless murmur as people moved around each other. Luckily she slipped through the group largely unnoticed, aside from a polite smile from Billy, and didn't have to engage in any civil conversation. Upon entering the kitchen, she stopped in her tracks.
Her father stood talking lowly with Peter as they washed dishes.
"It's not the kids fault you daft bastard, he said just as much…" Peter trailed off as Alex clattered the plates, making her presence known. Both men turned and while Daniel diverted his attention back to the dish he was drying, Peter offered a sad smile. "Alright kid, how you doing?"
"Alright I suppose." Alex returned quietly, feeling small. "Just bringing the plates back. I can wash them too if you want."
"No no, just add them to the pile and we'll sort it." He gestured to the mound of dirty plates on the counter and Alex did as she was told.
When Alex was in reach, Peter gripped her shoulder trying to offer a little comfort. He both looked and sounded tired; with his shoulders hunched and slight croak to his usually booming voice. She glanced expectantly to her father who she desperately wanted to hug, but when he made no acknowledgement of his daughters presence beside him, she looked back at Peter with tearful eyes.
"Go on, we've got this." He dismissed, as he shot his friend a glare. "I'll come up in a bit because Layla wants her mattress moved back in with you guys."
Alex nodded as her uncle ruffled her messy hair and sent her on her way. Closing the kitchen door behind her, Peter's voice grew muffled.
"What the fuck was that about, mate?" He bit, voice laced with anger.
Alex walked away wiping her tears, not wanting to hear her fathers explanation. Once again fury bubbled in her chest as she made a beeline for the front door, but this time her anger wasn't directed at herself. Twice her father had actively ignored her. She wanted him to shout at her and banish her to her room for a week for her stupidity. She wanted him to assign her all the shitty chores no one else wanted as punishment for sneaking around and lying. But instead he was acting as though he no longer had a child to discipline.
Wrenching open the front door, she caught a glimpse of torchlight over the far side of the square and a tall figure next to Vincent's grave. Wanting the evening air to cool her off some more, she trudged across the grass with the mud squelching between her toes. As she got closer, the figure turned its light towards her footsteps and she was forced to throw her arm up to shield her eyes.
"Oi! Watch it." She hissed, stopping in her tracks.
"Sorry!" Toby apologised, lowering the beam of light to the floor. His eyes followed the light to her feet and his whole face crumpled in bewilderment. "Why...why aren't you wearing any shoes?"
"Forgot." She returned with a shrug, stepping closer to stand at the foot of the grave with Toby. "What you doing out here?"
Tobias sighed and scratched the back of his head.
"I don't really know to be honest. Thought it would help if I… if I was with him for a bit." He confessed, gesturing towards the headstone. "I can't help but feeling this is my..."
"Don't say it." Alex cut him off with a shake of her head. He fell silent. The darkness concealed his features but the torment he was feeling was clear. "Is this what you wanted to talk about earlier?"
He nodded and shifted on his feet.
"Were you guys close?"
"He was one of my Dad's best friends. I grew up calling him Uncle Vinny, so yeah… we were close."
"I'm sorry." He said guiltily, growing quiet once more.
"I feel like it's my fault too." She admitted after a long pause, glancing towards Toby who let out a long breath and relaxed his shoulders slightly.
"At least we feel the same." He spoke quietly. "It's easier to deal with when you have someone to talk to it about. But I don't blame you, I got you to come on food runs with me, and if I didn't make you come with me, no one would've found out and he wouldn't have followed."
"First of all, you didn't make me do anything." Alex scolded. "And if you're going to blame yourself, you better blame me just as much. We were in the same situation."
"Well, I won't blame myself if you promise to stop blaming yourself too." Toby suggested.
Alex thought for a moment and then extended her pinky finger towards him. He regarded it then let out a small chuckle as he looped her finger with his own.
"This pinky promise is a binding contract." She mused before releasing his finger. "And no take backs."
"Don't worry, I'll try my very hardest to keep my end of the deal."
Alex nudged him lightly in the ribs with her elbow but immediately regretted her playful gesture when her friend winced in pain.
"Oh my god I'm so sorry. I didn't…"
"It's fine." He said through gritted teeth. "I just slept funny. I'm fine, honestly."
His adamant reassurance didn't stop her worry but Alex refrained from pressing the matter further. She racked her brain and replayed the events of yesterday, trying to remember if she saw Toby get hurt.
"You should get inside." He insisted dismissively "Your feet might drop off if you stand in the cold any longer."
"Yeah, I'll go." She nodded at him and began to walk back to her house before remembering what she wanted to speak to him about. "Wait, Toby? We're still going to have to find a way to keep everyone fed, aren't we?"
"Yeah." Toby confirmed, kicking at the grass with his boot. "Yeah we are."
"I'll come find you tomorrow and we can make a list of all the local food places." She suggested and Toby nodded in agreement. "I don't know how we're going to manage it but we need to find a way."
"We'll figure it out." He assured "But let's be smarter this time, yeah? We can try and convince your dad to come with us, or maybe Peter?"
"Yeah, okay." Alex agreed vaguely, although she knew her father was a whole separate problem that she would need to confront on her own. "See you tomorrow then."
"Goodnight." He said with a small wave as she jogged back inside, suddenly aware of how numb her feet were.
She stopped by the bathroom and used a packet of makeup wipes to clean the grime from the soles of her feet and between her toes. Feeling a little better after her conversation with Toby, she found the strength to wash her face and brush the tangles from her hair. Back in the bedroom, Layla was lying on her mattress on the floor while Zoe curled up on the far side of their double bed. Gently Alex climbed in next to her, grateful that she was asleep.
"You took your time." Layla observed as Alex picked up her book from earlier.
"Was speaking to Toby."
"And?"
"And he blames himself too." Alex explained. "But he doesn't blame me, and I don't blame him. So we could have a thousand conversations about whose fault it was and never come to a conclusion. We both just have to live with the fact that our stupidity got Vincent killed."
Then, Zoe's mumbled voice came from under the duvet.
"I don't blame you either."
And tears of relief spilled from Alex's eyes.