Chapter 15
Pansy took a few minutes to process the information Draco had just told her. She'd never really loved her mother in the sense that most people would. As a child she'd wanted nothing more then to be the star in her mother's eye. Pansy had always failed or come up short with her mother. When her brother died Pansy's father had mourned, but then he moved on. She hadn't been close with him before and his death didn't bring them any closer. In fact Pansy was pretty sure that's when her father started to be influenced by the Dark Lord. When he returned her father followed. Pansy's mother on the other hand- if she couldn't give an heir to the Parkinson name then it was Pansy's fault. There were charms that could change her to a man. Pansy hadn't really talked about that part with anyone and she'd only thought her mother was half invested in the idea.
She knew that she'd have to sort through her mother's things, or what was left of them. Then she'd have to settle the estate with the ministries. Lucky her father had sold most of the property he'd bought in Germany and Italy. Pansy tried not to think about telling everyone. People would expect her to be sad. Pansy wanted to be sad, she wanted to cry, to feel something. Pansy wanted to love her mother enough that she could mourn her as Daphne would mourn her mother.
"Now?" Pansy asked. She wasn't really hungry anymore. She looked at the stove and frowned.
"We can go tomorrow," Draco told her. He went to touch her before pulling his hand back. Pansy felt stupid for thinking Draco and Granger had finally sorted everything out and that was why he had been acting cagy.
"No, we should start now. God knows what surprises await me when I go over the estate." Pansy said.
"Right, of course." Draco agreed. He knew her mother had been lousy, but she'd never really talked to anyone about it. Not eve Daphne.
"I have plans tomorrow," Pansy told him suddenly. She wanted that to justify why she had to go now.
"I'll go with you," Draco replied.
The basement of St. Mugo's was dirt, the only light came from several floating candles that had pools of wax under them. Pansy tried not to focus on the fact that the floor was dirt. The Healer in Charge was an older man with long finger nails, pale skin and eyes with white robes. Draco hovered extra close, but Pansy was sure the Ministry of Magic hadn't progressed enough to hire a healer vampire.
"I'll give you a minute?" the Healer asked. Pansy shook her head and waited. The healer flicked his wand and the room became brighter. Bodies covered in a white sheet were floating in large bubbles. It explained why there was no smell throughout the rooms.
"Well?" the healer asked. He uncovered her mother. She looked older then Pansy ever remembered her being and much smaller too. Her mother's hair was still in curlers, it looked like she slept. She looked older and some of the make-up hadn't fully been washed away.
"Will you explain the cause of death?" Pansy asked. She wouldn't be surprised if they didn't, but Pansy hadn't remembered her mother being in too poor health. The again after she had left Parkinson House her mother's life got hard. She could have gotten sick though she wondered why no solicitor had reached out to her if that was the case.
"We already have. She had a rupture in her brain." The healer told them. Draco gave her hand a gentle squeeze as she stared at her dead mother.
"Right, I can confirm that this is Astrid Parkinson," Pansy said. She felt Draco pulling her away so she dung in her heels. She just needed to stop moving for one moment. She needed to face the fact that her mother would never be a burden again.
"Pansy," Draco said, he sounded far away, "Let's get some tea yeah?"
Pansy didn't mind the side-along apparition, she watched as Draco cleaned her flat. She let him put her into bed and didn't care that he would be pottering about and judging whatever she owned. Pansy wanted to feel something more then relief about not having to deal with her mother's upcoming trails or money issues or whatever else her mother would or could do. She felt glad that if she wanted to she could sell the fucking house without feeling guilty.
When Pansy got up she heard voices. They were loud but it meant she visitors and didn't know who they were. If it was Daphne she'd try to say she needed to work some over time and ditch them. She didn't want to deal with Daphne's bullshit right now. She grabbed her robe and slowly, carefully, walked toward her living room.
"She didn't have it set up right," she heard Harry's voice said.
"Why would Pansy even want one?" Draco asked. Pansy knew he was being polite because Draco didn't care for muggle things. He thought most of what they had invented was silly. After all they could just flick their wands, Pansy remembered her mother remarking one time during tea.
Pansy saw Lavender standing to the side while Potter stood in front of her T-bee and Draco sat, book in hand, and looked on. Lavender saw her first and gave her a smile that last seconds. Harry saw her second and gave her a look, while Draco stared at her before going back to his book. She didn't want them to treat her like glass.
"I forgot about working on the Manor," Pansy told the room. She hadn't but figured it was easier to lie about that they explain her relationship with her mother.
"I didn't know about your mum until…" Lavender began. She was wearing an older pair of shoes and her robe was a pale pink. Lavender had pulled her hair into a bun that almost made it seem like her scars were being pulled into her hair. Pansy liked the look. Pansy shrugged and made her way to the kitchen.
"It's fine, I guess we're going to have a bit of a late start," Pansy projected form the kitchen.
"We don't have to go," Lavender said. Her voice became louder as she got closer. Potter, in a muggle t-shirt and jeans, followed behind. Draco was behind both of them, he seemed to watch her at all times.
"I want to go." Pansy said. Because she wanted everything to be fine. It felt weird to truly on her own for the first time.
"Okay," Harry said. Lavender stared at him for a second, like she couldn't figure out why he was still here, before turning to Draco. Draco shrugged before he smiled. Pansy knew he wouldn't join them; his robes were expensive and his shoes dragon hide.
"Okay," Pansy said. She waited for more objections, but none came.
"I have a meeting with your mother's solicitor and a couple of other things to do. I'll be back around half past seven," Draco told her. Pansy nodded because she didn't know what else to do.
"I should get dressed," Pansy said.
Draco used the floo to get them to Parkinson Manor. Pansy looked over the gardens, it was the first place her mother had hit her. She hadn't arrived on time for tea, it was the first time she met Daphne and little Astoria. No one, not the other mothers, had said a thing. Everything had continued as if her mother hadn't slapped her mouth. Pansy had cried for what seemed like hours. But she tried never to be late again.
"Pansy?" Lavender asked. She looked wary, Draco and Harry were talking further away and Pansy hadn't noticed.
"Oh, right. The house has lots of rubbish that needs to be sorted. After that I plan to redecorate. Maybe we could use it for work? I dunno," Pansy said. Lavender looked at her before nodding.
It was hard to focus on what she was doing. Pansy would find some silly thing and it'd bring her back to her childhood. As she got older and her parents stopped caring the Greengrass family took her under their wing. Pansy remember how Mrs. Greengrass had helped them buy their first-year stuff. She remembered befriending Malfoy because most of the other boys were scary. Hogwarts had been hard, she had to be perfect and then after the war coming home. Even if most of the wizarding world had hated her it was nothing compared to her mother.
"Pansy?" Harry asked. He was standing in front of her looking worried. Pansy had never known how to deal with other people worrying about her. It always felt nice but never real, if Daphne was to go by.
Pansy shoved her face into Harry's chest and started crying. She hadn't cried like this in a long time. Not since her brother had died. Harry was stiff but then his arms came around her, it felt nice. He was talking to someone, probably Lavender, and the rumbles of his chest felt nice. She couldn't think of anything else but that this was nice, Harry was nice, crying was nice. They ended up in her old room, laying on her old bed. It seemed to be, beside her brother's old room, the only place not touched by the grime and dirt of the house.
"I'm sorry," Pansy said. She didn't know what time it was, it was still dark out, but she knew Harry was holding her. He was warm and firm.
"It's okay," Harry told her. His hand rubbed her back and his shift them, she was curled into him, Harry's arm crossing her chest.
"I don't know what to feel," Pansy told him.
"Sometimes, I feel numb. I mean I know that the Weasley family is still there for me, my friends are there and everything. But then it…I was so angry when Sirius died. And then Lupin and Tonks, and everyone who ever tried to mentor me. It doesn't feel as crushing as it did then but…sometimes I don't feel anything." Harry told her.
"When I was younger I use to pretend that I was a house elf. I would go down to the kitchens and eat there and I'd make them tell me bed time stories. And I made them tell me that they loved me. They'd have tea parties with me and one day my parents started to care about me. But it was a lie," Pansy said.
"Some people lie to protect the person they love." Harry said. He tugged her closer and Pansy felt safe.
"Sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever love me, even enough to lie to me," Pansy whispered. They were friends, newly friends, but Pansy was sure she could be emotional vulnerable with Harry.
"Is it better to have been loved and lose it or to never have been loved at all? Does what you want, love and all, even matter when everyone else thinks they know what you want. I don't even know if the person I'm with loves me or the idea of me. Everybody wants something." Harry told her. She wanted to tell him that she loved him but Pansy wasn't in love with Harry. She felt guilty that she was glad he sounded almost as lonely as she did.
"What are we going to do?" Pansy asked. She knew she sounded bitter, but she didn't care.
"I don't know." Harry replied. He sounded equally as bitter.
Hope everyone had a great New Year! I'm at home quarantining so hopefully I'll be able to finish this, lol if wishes were dreams. Stay safe!