Second Choice

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: From a fan prompt (Castle goes to the Hamptons alone, while there he and Alexis meet divorced Jordan Shaw and her daughter. A few dinners together lead to a hookup. What happens next? COMPLETELY AU, Some Scenes and events used to enhance the story,

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.

Also, we take MANY liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events from other Canon episodes to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.

Chapter 13

New York FBI Office

Two Weeks Later

/_/

Jordan arrived at her office, feeling almost lost, for the first time in as long as she could remember Rick was not with her, in fact, he wasn't even in New York. He had worked with Agent Avery between her cases, and now the leads had led them to Hampton Virginia.

As much as they hated to be apart, he went with the team to interrogate a potential suspect in a case where a bomber who was planting devices across New York and Washington DC, Federal Buildings. To date, they had been lucky, only minor injuries had been incurred but they knew it would only be a matter of time before their luck ran out.

He had called her last night and sounded about as happy as she felt, but he wasn't as good an actor, or he didn't try as hard to mask his disappointment from being away from her. They had spent the last two weeks in serious talks about not only Kate but Tom and what it would take for her to trust him enough to even be in the same room with him. She couldn't count the times she broke down in tears, always falling into Rick's arms to comfort her, he could always calm her down without painting Tom to be some sadistic monster.

"He's a guy, like a lot of guys Jordan, he probably felt like he was getting old and was going to lose you to some hot young agent, so he acted out first. I don't condone it, nor do I even know if that was his motive, but some guys act like that, we have a very frail ego-system if you haven't noticed." He laughed, and she hugged him. He had given her space, in fact, the last time they made love, she stopped saying having sex a long time ago, their sessions were deeper, was the day he had told her about Kate and the swings.

They had talked in depth about what it would take for Tom to re-enter her life, at a minimum even as a co-parent to their daughter, and only if Mandy approved. Jordan hadn't been the only one hurt, Mandy was uprooted and moved from her lifetime home away from friends, her school, and interests, all because her Dad couldn't keep it in his pants. Mandy was hurt, and angry, and it would take her approval to even allow Tom the basics of knowing about their life.

She had turned the question on Rick, asking him, the same.

"Rick, my situation is a little different than yours. I'm sure that if Kate were Alexis's mother, things would be much different, but with the situation the way it is, what does she need to do to earn another chance? You're the one that brought up paroles, has she served enough of her sentence to be at least given a parle hearing?" She asked as he stared out the window,

"I don't know Jordan, I really don't. I guess I have to decide, do I want to pursue something with her enough to get over the hurt she's caused, BUT I'm not going to put myself back into that same situation, things must change first." He said, hurt in his voice.

She knew that he loved Kate, or at least had deep feelings that could grow to love if he had something to work with. She couldn't figure out why Beckett had acted the way she had, other than the fear of losing someone that she had mentioned in their conversation in bed. IF she were suffering from that, she could and should get professional help, before she went through the rest of her life and ended up a lonely old lady, all alone.

She glanced at the time, Rick would be in meetings all day, so this was her opportunity, she only hoped it worked out as she hoped. She could be costing herself a friendship like none other she had ever had before if it blew up on her.

She pulled her cell phone out, reviewed some old contacts until she found Kate Beckett's cell number. She steadied her nerves, then took some cleansing breaths and dialed the number. It didn't take long until she heard,

"Beckett"

"Kate this is Jordan Shaw, before you hang up on me, we need to talk about Rick. Is there someplace we could meet, at least semi-private away from your office or mine? Jordan asked,

"Jordan? Jordan Shaw? What do we need to discuss about Rick, you won, he's yours, I mean"

"Kate, do you want to meet or not, I don't have all day, and I'm not about to discuss anything over an insecure phone line with you." Jordan shot back

Kate was stung momentarily, no one usually talked to her in that tone or acted so demanding, she finally got out, "There's a small sandwich shop, one block north of Remy's, it's quiet and not a cop hangout yet, so that would work for me, how about you?" Kate asked weakly

"11:30 AM works for me? Are you good with that? "Jordan asked, without giving a clue as to what she wished to discuss.

"That works," Kate said softly,

"See you then, CLICK" came the sound on the other end.

Kate now began to wonder, she played back Jordan's conversation in her head, what exactly had she said?" She replayed the entire conversation over and over in her mind and couldn't come up with a clue. She was edgy all morning, so much the guys put up the warning signs to keep people away, it was a Beckett Morning.

Finally, at 11:10 she called out to the guys,

"I have an errand to run, I'm taking a little early lunch, see you when I get back" as she grabbed her jacket and out the door, she went.

She thought she would be the first one to the meeting but when she opened the door, she saw Jordan waving her back to a booth in the rear of the shop. She glanced around and there was no one near the booth, almost as if it had been a closed section, and had opened only for their conversation.

She made her way back preparing herself, well anticipating anything bad, like Jordan and Rick were married, or at least engaged. She had tried to prepare herself for any bad news, but deep inside she knew she would be crushed if anything like that had occurred.

"Thanks for coming Kate, I thought it was time we had this chat, and since Rick is out of town on business for a few days, I thought I would try to get it in now. Let me remind you, everything we say today remains between us, Rick is never to hear one word of this conversation, is that clear?"

"It's clear Jordan if we stay with the routine, we both have been in there's no chance of me just running into him anyway, it's been almost 10 months since I saw him last. It's kind of hard to spill any confidential information if you don't talk to someone" Kate said sadly,

"Why haven't you seen him for so long Kate, have you invited him for coffee, eh, excuse me tea now that you've changed your preference. Have you called him? Texted? Mailed him a note or a birthday card, which is coming up in two weeks, just in case you've forgotten." Jordan blasted her,

"I haven't forgotten anything about Rick, Jordan, but why do you ask? Because he's with you, he's happy, much happier than I've ever seen him so why should I try to say something to mess that up?" Kate countered in her defense.

"How much do you know about Rick and my relationship, and how much are you just assuming?" Jordan asked,

"What do you mean Jordan, it's obvious he's crazy about you, it was coming out even in the Dunn case, Agent Shaw this, and Agent Shaw that. It made me"

"Jealous?" Jordan asked in a firm tone. "Remember Kate I was a happily, well I thought I was at that time, married woman then, and although Rick is charming, there wasn't anything between either of us except that we TALKED, not at each other, but to each other.

"Since he and I have been seeing each other now that I'm divorced, well, we have discussed your actions even as far back as then. Why were you jealous Kate? YOU didn't want him, so why did you want to keep him on the shelf waiting.?" Jordan wasn't holding back,

"I did want him Jordan, I just was afraid, I mean" Kate mumbled,

"OK, I'll buy the first part, I told you that he cared for you, and I was trying to figure out what he had done to warrant your behavior towards him, I couldn't. For the second part of your statement, I call Bull Shit. You're a cop, you've been shot at, hit at least once, faced men who were bigger and stronger than you with knives yet you want everyone to believe you were afraid of Rick? I don't buy it, neither does Rick.

"We talked a lot after your appearance at the swings a few weeks ago" Kate's face flushed red, "Well he's definitely still hurt, so what do you plan on doing about it, if anything?" Jordan pushed,

"What about you and Rick, I mean"

"What about Rick and I, if you mean are, we sleeping together, not since you came back into his life a few weeks ago, I won't be your substitute, nor will Rick embarrass me by trying to make me one. He's pushing me to at least listen to what my ex-husband has to say, for Mandy's sake if nothing else.

"That's the last personal information you're getting, just so you know. I don't think he's ever asked you about your lineup card of who's been in the bedroom with you, so no, it's none of your business. Do you want to get Rick to forgive you? Do you want something meaningful for the first time in your life, well at least since your mother's death?" Jordan pushed,

Tears came to Kate's eyes, that's when Jordan knew she was right with her observation she had mentioned to Rick. "Kate, you're going to have to give Rick a hell of a lot more than I'm sorry, I was a bitch, yeah, he told me about your conversation.

"You might get pissed but from what I've heard, it sounds like you feel you don't deserve to be happy. A person who refuses to apologize usually has a sense, real or imagined, of a great deal of fear. A reluctance to apologize or admit wrongdoing is the paralyzing thought of losing someone or something because of it." Jordan had just finished speaking when Kate couldn't hold her tears back,

After a few minutes, she composed herself, and said, "OK Jordan, now that you figured out what the diagnosis is, what the hell is the treatment? Do you think I want to live like this? Do you think I enjoy seeing Rick walk away with you, knowing that it could be, should be me in his arms if I wasn't so fucked up?" She got out,

"Look, Kate, you have to know by now that yes I do have feelings for Rick, is it, Love? In a sense, it is, but not anywhere near a love for him as I had for Tom. He understands, in fact, he's the one that pointed out the difference, leaving our physical relationship out of this, I can say he satisfies me totally.

"What's missing is that intangible, the secret sauce if you will, the item that turns two people from a couple to soul mates. I had it, and I think you know who your soul mate is, but are you brave enough, do you want Rick enough to live in a world where you put him first, above EVERYTHING else Kate, not just when it's convenient.

"If you think about it and you say yes, contact your doctor, tell him you think you have been profiled, not diagnosed, with the narcissistic apologetic syndrome. You're still seeing Doctor Burke are you not?" Jordan asked,

"I haven't seen him in over a year, but he told me to call him anytime I needed him, I guess this is one of those times. What do I tell Rick, and how do I get him to talk to me, Jordan? You said yourself that he wasn't just going to give me blanket forgiveness, I needed to show him something solid before he'll even talk to me. What do I have to do?" Kate pleaded,

"Kate, you know as well as I do what you have to do, now you have to decide is it worth it? That's a decision you'll have to make, only you. Believe me when I say this, no matter what your decision is, if you hurt Rick, so help me there are spots I know where your body will never be found.

"Now go make up your mind, and be sure you're 100% sure it's what you want. There are no do-overs, if you reject him, I'll make sure you never have another opportunity to hurt him again. If you decide he's the reason you are living, why you think it's worth getting out of the bed in the morning, then I'll try to help, as much as I can." Jordan said softly,

"You'd do that for me Jordan?" Kate asked softly

"For you Kate? Am I doing this for you? Hell, No, I'm doing it for Rick. He'll never know how close I was until he saved me, saved Mandy so no Kate, everything I do I'll do for Rick and his happiness." Jordan said looking out the window in a faraway glaze that frightened Kate, was she talking about, no, push that out of your mind.

"I understand, no matter the reason Jordan thank you, and I promise you, I will think this through, and talk to Doctor Burke. As you said, I only have one chance, and I can't blow it, so thank you." As she stood to get back to work. On her way back she dialed a familiar number,

"Yes, this is Kate Beckett, I need to talk to Doctor Burke as soon as possible, no I'm not in danger, it's just very important. Great, I'll see him tomorrow at 7:00 AM, thank you" as she walked to the precinct allowing herself one shred of hope, maybe, just maybe.

XxX

Jordan walked home wondering if she had done the right thing. She knew that as long as Kate Beckett was in the picture there would never be anything, not even physical, between them. She knew how empty she had been, that emptiness which had been filled by Rick who fulfilled wanting aches her body had endured for years, now was she willing to allow the only man who came close to that at one time back into her life? He never fulfilled her physically the way Rick did, but he filled an emotional need she didn't even know she had until he was gone.

She knew that she had to tell Rick of her conversation and prepare to take the wrath. This was the first time she had ever stuck her nose into his business, frankly, she was still questioning herself what the hell was she doing. She was trading all the joys of matrimony while maintaining her right to negotiate the field as a single woman. The only agreement they had was, if one found someone, they would tell the other BEFORE anything happened.

Her thoughts then turned to Mandy, who had grown to love Rick as well, he had provided the emotional support, and never missed a performance, or chance to be in the audience for any of her activities. He flew home some days just to make it to one of her events. Alexis shared he had done it for her as well for as long as she could remember.

She even told of the time he flew from London to New York for a three-hour concert she was participating in, not even as a lead role, took her and her Grams to dinner then flew back to London. Why she asked?

"Well, someday when you get older, you'll remember that when old Dad said he would do anything in this world for you, he meant it." He kissed her on top of her head and headed out, exhausted back to the European book tour. She knew then, that nothing in this world would stop her Dad from getting to her, no matter when and what she needed.

She had reached the loft, still pondering how she was going to breach the topic with Rick, she knew even as much as he cared about her, there were still areas that were very sensitive to him. He wasn't due to arrive until later tonight, perhaps she would have a better strategy worked out by then.

She hoped that she hadn't cost the friendship that had saved her life, her depression had gotten to a point where living wasn't a priority. Even though she managed to hide it well from Mandy and others, Rick spotted it and got her to his doctor. As she said, it saved her life, and nothing ever went on her official record at work, Rick knew a guy, or in this case a lady, Doctor Harris.

She was surprised to see a light on in his office, the door was always closed when he wasn't home. As she got closer, she could hear his fingers clicking on the keyboard, far too fast to be anything but a book. She stood in the doorway observing him for at least ten minutes, he never looked up.

His fingers kept flying at a speed that made Jordan wonder was he even typing words or just characters. She had witnessed his work before, but never this close up. He finally murmured,

"Just a few more minutes Jordy, I don't want to lose these thoughts," as his fingers continued to glide across the keyboard.

She marveled at how fast he could transpose a blank sheet of paper into an integral part of a story that would keep thousands clued to the book, waiting for the next development. She was truly in awe of his creative genius. He finally hit save and looked up, and made a beeline to her.

"I'm sorry, I missed you" as he hugged her and kissed her cheek. They had been very careful with the affection since their talks began,

She held him just a tad longer and tighter than usual, prompting his usual, "OK Jordy, tell me what's wrong, how can I help?"

"Oh Rick, I missed you so very much too. This situation is, hell, I don't know what to do, follow my heart, or my body." She said as she kissed his cheek.

"If I follow my body's desires, I'd drag you into the bedroom and ravage you, but now, I'm confused," She said softly,

"It's not confusion Jordan, you and I both know you still love Tom, and that feeling is what is blocking you from as you say ravishing me, it isn't confusion, it's guilt. YOU are acting like you're still married, and I understand, I truly do.

"Marriages begin with two people committing their hearts, the piece of paper that formalizes it is just that, a piece of paper, with the pomp and circumstance surrounding the wedding process. A divorce decree may end a couple legally, but it takes a hell of a lot more to do so emotionally." He said as she fell into his arms crying once again,

"Rick, I have to confess to something I did, and please, just hold me like this until I finish. If you get angry, I'll understand, but please hear me out. I saw Kate today, it was my idea, I know you miss her, and well she and I had a talk to set the record straight.

"I didn't tell her our business, but I did tell her that you never asked to see her list of lovers and not to ask you. She is going to work on somethings, things between us girls, and then well, I hope you don't hate me for doing this." He held her tight for a few moments, no words uttered, until finally, he said,

"I'll forgive you if you forgive me, I called Tom" as he felt her body got tense in his arms."

TBC

A/N This deals ever so gently with a deep subject, Depression. PLEASE if you know someone who is suffering it's not the same thing as being sad, and they can't just get over it, not without help. 25 million Americans suffer from depression each year. Over 50 percent of all people who die by suicide suffer from major depression. If one includes alcoholics who are depressed, this figure rises to over 75 percent. If you see something, PLEASE say something, you may save a life. Thanks, Tim