i lie to lift you up

"Traitor!"

If Merlin closed his eyes, he wouldn't be able to see the darkness of the dungeon cell closing in around him.

If he closed his eyes and focused on the darkness inside, he wouldn't be able to see the betrayal, the brokenness, the hurt that had flashed across Arthur's face.

He wouldn't be able to see anything.

In the corner, a small flow of water dripped onto the ground, creating a puddle.

Water.

Water, fire, water, fire. Always against each other, one putting out or evaporating the other.

Wrapping his arms around his knees, Merlin sighed. How long would they keep him down there, in the sem-darkness? How long would they hold off sentencing him?

Would Arthur try? Would Arthur make an attempt to save his life?

Or would he just let Merlin go?

If he were Arthur, Merlin would let himself go.

He was a traitor. Every day, he waltzed through life lying. He didn't know why he had thought he could get away forever when he was a disaster. Sometimes, he could barely keep the time of day straight. It was foolish to think that he wouldn't slip up, make a mistake somewhere and reveal what he really was.

A traitor.

He drummed his fingers on the side of his knee.

He could escape. He could blast the cell apart with magic (and it wanted him to). He could run and never look back.

(A long time ago, he and Freya had dreamed of building a farm together with yellow fields of grain and plenty of animals to keep them busy. That dream was gone.)

Iron scraped into the silence, interrupting the steady beat of the water.

Merlin looked up.

A sliver of light broke into the darkness, and it was followed by a ball of fire.

A torch.

Silently, someone stole down the steps.

Since his eyes had long ago adjusted to the near darkness, Merlin covered his eyes to keep the torch from blinding him.

"Merlin?"

"Gwen," he breathed. "What are you doing here? You could get in trouble!"

Arthur was her husband. He would not take too kindly to her consorting with the enemy.

Gwen withdrew a key from her pocket. "I'm here to get you out. Hold this for me."

She passed the torch through the bars of the cell.

"What are you doing here?" Merlin repeated. "Arthur will be furious."

"Arthur may be my husband, but he doesn't control me," Gwen snapped.

Taken aback, Merlin shut up as Gwen unlocked the cell.

Loudly, the cell door creaked as she swung it open.

Merlin stepped out and paused. "I could have gotten that open by myself, you know."

Gwen had always been brave. She never backed down from everything, always did what was right, always tried to protect her friends (unless otherwise possessed). Now, she looked Merlin straight in the eye. "I know."

"I'm a traitor."

"No. You tried to protect Arthur. I know, Merlin." She rested a hand on his arm. "He might see it now, but Arthur is losing one of his greatest supporters.

Merlin gave her a small smile. "Thanks, Gwen."

Gwen gave him a small hug, leaning her head into his arm. "I know you should get out of here as soon as possible, but...just...just don't stay away too long, okay?"

Even though it was dark, Merlin nodded.

For a minute more, Gwen continued hugging him before she let go.

But Merlin could never convince himself of what Gwen believed.

He lied.

He killed.

He wielded magic.

No matter what she said, he would always be a traitor. Not to himself, Gaius, or Gwen, but to the one he tried to protect the most.