Time had passed since John and Anna had finally found their way back to each other, and it had sort of broken a dam and let months of longing flow free. They had spent every free moment during the following weeks in the bedroom, making up for lost time with an assiduity bordering on desperation. For about two months, Anna had felt renewed, and John had not been the only one in the servants' hall to notice the new spring in her steps, although no one had commented. However, with the end of the year coming close, and thus the trial too, she had gradually felt dragged down again. Nightmares had come back again in full force, much more frequent than they had been a few weeks before, and she woke up in the mornings already exhausted. She had never been a morning person, but at that time a few days before Christmas, she often felt like she would never manage to get out of bed. Wave of anxiety fell over her at any time during the day, and left her all nauseous and feeling breathless. John had of course noticed the setback, as had Mrs Hughes and Lady Mary.
John was silently getting ready that morning in the cottage, trying to let her sleep as long as possible, when she started thrashing in the bed, moaning and begging for mercy to an invisible devil. John looked worriedly at her, tried to approach her slowly, and put his hand on her arm, calling gently to her:
- Anna… Anna darling, it is a nightmare.
She turned blindly on herself, her fists clenched, her brow sweating, trying to push him away, pleading:
- No, no, please let me go…
He called louder:
- Anna, it is me, John, you are safe!
She suddenly startled awake and two panicked eyes looked at him, making him think of a rabbit caught into a car's flash-lights.
- Anna, he repeated. It is alright, you're having a nightmare. It is not real.
(Not any more anyway, he thought bitterly). She took a few seconds to wake up completely, and brought her hand to her mouth, before getting up and swiftly fleeing to the bathroom. John followed her but she slammed the door into his face, and he heard the sound of her throwing up. When things seemed to have quieted up somewhat, he softly knocked on the door and asked:
- Anna? May I come in?
A non-committed grunt answered him. He entered and found her sitting on the floor, her back and her head resting on the wall, eyes closed, tears on her cheeks. He slowly bent down next to her, and brushed the tears away.
- Do you want to stay home today? I can tell Mrs Hughes and Lady Mary that you're ill…
She shook her head silently.
- You seem quite under the weather lately. Maybe you should go and see Dr Clarkson, you know, just for safety. Maybe he can give you something to soothe your nerves.
She sighed deeply.
- I'm so tired John… I was feeling so good a few weeks ago. This bloody trial is dragging me backwards. I want it over and done with!
- I know darling, I know. But think, a month from now, it will be over. We'll be able to put all this behind us for good.
- But what if he's not convicted? What if he goes free? What if he comes back?
John couldn't say he had not thought about that, and he found it very hard to not want to go after Green himself if the court was foolish enough to let him go. But he had made a promise to Anna, that he would not hurt him, and he intended to keep it, whatever it cost him.
- I know it can happen, but we have to trust the Court to see the truth.
Anna chuckled bitterly:
- Yeah, like they did for you?
He sighed:
- Yes, well I agree I am not a very good example. But you have two very talented attorneys, and some solid proofs. So let's try and be confident. Can you do that for me? he said, lifting her chin up.
The tears shining in her eyes made his heart sink. She smiled sadly.
- I'll try. I promise.
- So, are you sure you don't want to rest, at least this morning?
- No, no, I'll be fine.
John frowned, but he knew she was strong-headed and he would not win that battle.
- Alright, but please, go see Dr Clarkson. He knows what you're going through. He'll help.
- Fine, I will, if it soothes you.
- Thank you darling, he said, leaving a kiss on her forehead before gripping to the edge of the sink to help himself get up.
He then held his hand out to help her get up.
- We should go then, if you won't stay at home this morning.
- Yes. It's alright, I'm feeling better already.
x x x x
Anna had a hard time putting one foot in front of the other all morning. The nauseous feeling stuck by her, and Lady Mary worried when she had to repeat her instructions several time, which was very unusual with Anna, who always got the trick of everything right away.
- Anna? Are you alright? Only you seem very distracted this morning?
- I'm so sorry my lady, apologized Anna. I just had a bad night, and I'm quite tired.
Lady Mary looked at her with a sympathetic gaze.
- I guess it is unavoidable that you'd be disturbed by the trial getting close… Why don't you go see Dr Clarkson?
Anna sighed. It seemed everyone wanted her to go see the doctor. Mrs Hughes had suggested the same thing just after breakfast earlier this morning. She resolved to go, knowing that they would not leave her in peace until she had gone.
- I will my Lady.
- Good. Maybe you can spare a little time this afternoon.
- I'll see how it goes. But I have work to do on that dress you want to wear on Thursday. Maybe tomorrow.
- Alright. But please, go.
- Yes, my Lady.
- Thank you Anna. That'll be all.
- Very good my lady.
When she was out of the room, Anna closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. Sometimes all their added solicitude was a bit heavy. She knew they all cared for her, but right now she wished they would just let her be. What good would Dr Clarkson do? He could not rewrite the past, nor make time move faster… As she was walking down the hallway to go back to the servants' Hall, she suddenly felt very hot and weak. It was only the middle of the morning, but she felt so hungry she thought she could have eaten anything that she could find. It was very unusual to her to have such food cravings. But then she thought that she had eaten very little at breakfast, feeling still nauseous. When she arrived downstairs, she turned to the kitchens instead of entering the Servants' Hall. She found Daisy working on lunch, while Mrs Patmore wasn't there. She shot a weak smile to the young kitchen aide.
- Hi Anna. Oh Lord you're all pale, what's up with you?
- I'm not feeling very well. I did not eat enough this morning. Would you have a little something to spare?
- Of course, yes, there, take a cookie! And sit down for heaven's sake, before you collapse!
After a few cookies and a cup of tea, Anna gradually felt better. It was so strange, she thought. She had already struggled with anxiety, but she had never felt like she was going to pass out like that. She was just getting up when John showed his head into the kitchen:
- Oh there you are Anna. I wondered. Are you all right?
- Just fine, she lied. I was only having a little chat with Daisy, that's all.
Daisy looked at her as she was leaving the kitchen and sent her a discreet wink. Anna didn't feel like telling John about her little weakness. He was already fussing enough as it was. He would make her go home, and she didn't want to.
x x x x
The following night was somewhat better, without nightmare, but she still woke up exhausted and nauseous. Fulfilling her husband's and her mistress's request, she was found in Dr Clarkson's waiting room at the end of the morning. After a short wait, he let her into his office.
- Hello Mrs Bates. How may I be of help? he asked with a warm smile.
- Well Doctor, I've been feeling a little out of sorts for a few weeks. I'm sure it's only related to some anxiety upon the upcoming trial you know… But my husband and Lady Mary have urged me to come see you, make sure everything is alright otherwise.
- Alright, can you describe for me the symptoms you've been encountering?
- Erm, there's been a surge in the nightmares. I had a lot of them, you know, right after… But it had got better in time, until the last weeks when they've come back strong. I feel I never get enough sleep. I fall down in the evenings, and in the mornings I am so tired I feel I will never be able to get up. I very often feel nauseous, I have vomited a few times… And then yesterday I had a sort of food craving… I suddenly felt very weak, I was sweating and dizzy, and I felt like eating absolutely anything I could lay my hand on…
A slight smile appeared on Dr Clarkson's face and he gestured towards his examination room:
- Alright, let's see, Mrs Bates. If you'd settle in the exam room, I'll be right there.
A moment later, Anna had dressed up again, and they were back at his desk.
- So, Mrs Bates, pardon my curiosity, but I assume you have resumed some… marital activities with your husband?
Anna looked surprised at the question.
- Er, yes we have, for a few months now.
- And do you remember when your last cycle came?
Anna thought for a while.
- At the end of October I think. And now you ask, it was unusually light.
- Alright. Well, I think there is really nothing to worry about, Mrs Bates, quite the contrary really, he smiled to her.
Anna looked at him, wondering if she was understanding what he meant right. She had not allowed herself to hope in the last months, having so much on her mind.
- Mrs Bates, my opinion is that you are simply pregnant. Around two and a half months I would say. Which would date the start of the pregnancy at the beginning of October. Your last cycle was probably a fake one.
Anna's heart swelled twice its usual size and she thought it was going to burst out of her chest right away. Tears welled up in her eyes. She suddenly wished John had come with her, but he had been held up with Lord Grantham. She dabbed her eyes with her handkerchief and smiled back to Dr Clarkson:
- Thank you Doctor.
Before letting her go, he gave her some advice on how to handle the nausea and the hypoglycaemia that was causing the food cravings. She shook his hand warmly when he showed her out.
- Well, Mrs Bates, we'll meet at the trial I guess. The last step until you can truly focus on the future and enjoy the good news with your husband.
- Yes. Thank you again, so much Dr Clarkson.
As Anna walked back to the Abbey, she felt like everything was unreal. To be granted that happiness in such a troubled time felt almost out of place. She wanted to tell John right away, but then she remembered. This had already happened once, a few months after the trip to Scotland following his release from prison. She had been meaning to tell him, but then as soon as the joy had come, it had been all over. And she had kept the pain to herself, not wanting to burden him more. He was still struggling with the prison aftermath at that time. Suddenly tears came to her eyes. If it ever happened again this time, she thought she would not bear to handle that pain on top of everything else… As she walked, she suddenly turned her path, and made her way to the church. She needed to seek reassurance in prayer, to steady herself before going back. Kneeling in the first bench in front of the altar, she sent the most fervent prayer to God, so that He would not take away their hope this time. She made a deal to herself to keep it quiet for a few more days, and to tell John on Christmas day if nothing had gone wrong until then.
x x x x
Anna made it a little better in the next days, thanks to Dr Clarkson's advice. She noticed that she was less nauseous when she drank a sugared tea before getting out of bed, and John was only too happy to be able to do something to make her feel better. She reassured Mrs Hughes and Lady Mary that Dr Clarkson had not found anything to worry about, and that it was all normal stress. Days came and went, and Christmas finally arrived. They enjoyed the usual celebrations in the servants' Hall, and the presents' giveaway by the family in front of the Great Hall's giant Christmas tree. Anna felt light-hearted despite the fateful day getting closer. As midnight approached, Anna and John bade their goodbyes to the rest of the staff and started their return walk to the cottage, under a snowfall. When John finally closed the door behind the two of them, Anna felt a great calm settle over her. It was time she shared her secret. While John lit the fire, she boiled the kettle and made them some tea. Closely snuggled on the settee under a plaid, they exchanged their private gifts. John had bought Anna a new pair of leather gloves, as her previous ones had a hole in them, and Anna had got John a new novel. After thanking each other with a kiss, they turned back to their warming tea, until Anna put her cup back on the table.
- Shall we head upstairs? she asked.
- If you wish, darling, answered John.
As she changed, she discreetly took a look at her belly in the mirror. Nothing showed yet, but she still smiled, passing a hand under her navel. When they were both settled under the covers, Anna looked up to John with a mischievous smile.
- John?
- Yes love? he answered, yawning.
- I have another little gift for you.
- Really?
He arched his eyebrows in expectation. She took his hand, and gently brought it to rest on her belly.
- Yes. It is safely stored right there, and should be delivered around the beginning of next July.
John fell silent for a moment, while processing the information. A bright smile dawned on his tired face, as he stuttered:
- What… Are you saying… Are you?
She laughed.
- Yes, I am pregnant.
- Oh my God Anna! This is wonderful! I'm so happy, he exclaimed, taking her into a tight embrace.
A fierce kiss on her lips was his next move, and the utter joy in his eyes was enough to make her heart burst. She only hoped his happiness, their happiness would not be dashed away in a few day's time.
- Oh Lord, is that why you were so down in the mouth these last weeks?
- Seems so. Nothing to worry about according to Dr Clarkson. He gave me some advice as to how to handle the symptoms, and I must say it's working quite well. I feel better.
- Thus the sweet tea in bed, he deduced.
- Exactly. Dr Clarkson explained to me that the pregnant body doesn't fare well when the blood sugar level is low, that's why I feel nauseous or weak. So if I manage to keep my blood sugar steady, I'll feel better. And he's right, it's working.
- Oh my darling, he repeated hugging her tight, I am so so happy. Finally some good after all this dark months.
- Happy Christmas John.
- Yes, it is a very happy Christmas indeed, he beamed.
She smiled to him, keeping her doubts and fears unspoken. It would do no good to burden him with them. For once he was being more optimistic than her, and she didn't feel the right to rob him of that.